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asitis Offline OP
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Thanks Toots.

It isn't a big deal. Also, a number of the times I've seen the car is when I've been out somewhere (it is summer & I'm a college teacher, so I'm not at work), so if she is even unconsciously hoping I'm where she expects me to be, she's seeing signs that I'm not sitting in the apartment on the shelf where she thinks she left me. I know that even though I'm fairly detached & don't think I have expectations, I notice such things and react despite myself.

On the strolling out, I'd have to wander all the way over to where the pool is (not the direction to where I park my car), have my key card, and come into the pool area and initiate contact. If I'm working out & the kids notice me, or she does, and wants to initiate contact great. Given the pursuit dynamic of the past and her statement about wanting to run away, I'm respecting her request and not initiating contact. If she is hoping I'll stop in, I'll leave her hoping. If she isn't, I'll respect her wish for space. If she is even unconsciously pursuing, I'm doing something right & will let the dynamic continue.

Because of the kids, I have lots of opportunities to touch base when we exchange.

One thing I did decide, is that I should be able to bring the kids to the pool when I have them. I have other activities with them that are our special father-son things, but they do like the pool. Unlike her, I will at least give her a heads up when we exchange. I always look ahead at the weather & she knows this (yes I used to watch the Weather Channel too when we had cable). "Tuesday the weather looks nice, and I was thinking that I'd take the kids to the pool at the apartment. I just wanted to give you a heads up so it doesn't surprise you."

I'm not asking permission, but the apartment was intended to be a haven for the off-duty parent, even if she isn't keeping to that intention, I'm not comfortable doing otherwise.

Got to get the apartment straightened up & get over to the house to take over as dad. Always a bit stressful, but I miss the boys.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
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asitis Offline OP
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And just got a text from W that my older S(6) arrive right now. The change in that R has really been noticeable. Before the vacation and my W having friends over while she has them, he was go away dad and we want mom. Now, it is I don't want to be w/ mom, I want you to come back.

I know he adores his mom & is not good about competing w/ others for her attention, and that this is part of it. That hurts me to see. But it also is really nice to have him want me and voice that to both my W & me.

I guess I need to get going and report in to my little demanding boss man.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,387
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Hey Asitis,

Just wanted to drop you a note. I've read a lot of your writing on other people's threads and know how much you give when you do write. At one point I wondered if you were a vet or a therapist in your real life as your advice seemed to be spot on DB or MFT based.

I'm sorry you're in your sitch, but it really does seem like you've got a good grasp on all of this and are living in a way that's congruent with DB'ing. Fingers crossed this will all work out for you my friend.

Have a great Sunday with your boys.

PP


M 39 W 36
T5 M3
BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day
Served 9/15
D finalized 6/17
Joined: Mar 2015
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NDY Offline
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The kids. That's the hardest. Stick with the wee man. He needs his dad. Peace my friend.


Me:43 Her:42
M:14
S:9
EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts)
PA started 2014/05/30
BD:2014/11/05
I left 2015/10/01
I returned 2015/05/02
She left 2015/06/10
OM still on the go.
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Originally Posted By: PigPen
I'm sorry you're in your sitch, but it really does seem like you've got a good grasp on all of this and are living in a way that's congruent with DB'ing. Fingers crossed this will all work out for you my friend.
Hi Asitis,

You may not feel you have a good grasp on things, but I want to echo PP's last post. I agree with the quote above and have been wondering if you are a therapist. Your advice does seem to be so good. Of course, no need to inform us, that's personal.

Hang in there!

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Joined: May 2015
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asitis Offline OP
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Hi PP,

Thanks for the thoughts.

I'm a college teacher, but am also back in school to transition to a new career in mental health counseling. I've done a lot of background reading over the years, partly to deal with my personal issues, partly because some of it overlaps with my current academic career, and part because it just fascinated me the more I read (particularly the new understandings in neurophysiology that are confirming the findings of certain approaches, esp. attachment theory, Winnicott's work on the self, and insights that come from Buddhist understandings of psychology). So, given the potential for divorce & as the teaching wasn't enough to pay or be secure with some of the budget cutting that has been going on, I made a career change decision.

Also, a lot of my students face challenges and I've found one of the most satisfying parts of my job is helping those in trouble when they turn to me. I don't do therapy in that role, but the number of students who I help get their feet under them and get the help they need, and who open up to me (often I'm the first adult or even person they have done this with) is not small. A number will say something like "I wish you were my therapist." I tell them that I don't have to maintain some of the boundaries a therapist does, so I can relate to them a bit more personally (share things about myself, etc.). Still it is nice to hear that they feel heard and helped, and eventually after one particularly student who was trying to dump an addiction and really struggling came to me and we got him squared away, I sort of just thought to myself... maybe I should listen to them (not be their therapist but that I have a lot of the qualities of one & I enjoy helping in that way).


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,119
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asitis Offline OP
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Thanks Bob & NDY.

Bob, I know I understand a lot of it, and I'm fairly good at looking at other's sitch and seeing something helpful. It is a whole other kettle of fish when you have to deal with your own sitch. This is why therapists have therapists. It is sort of like the saying "He who is his own lawyer has a fool for a client."

So, don't assume that I'm not struggling and needing perspectives and insights from those not enmeshed in the situation, or that I don't go through the emotional roller coaster. Sometimes you can even know intellectually exactly what is going on and are sure you have a firm understanding of what is going on in that moment, and yet you still can't make the low feelings or the temptations to chase down the cheeseless tunnel subside. Anyway, I need the help just as much as the next. It is one of those humbling realizations that helps you really empathize with the struggles of others and allows you to be helpful. I know some people in the profession I'm going into that don't have this realization, and they are usually causing all sorts of problems for their children and not very useful to their patients.

So, thanks to you all.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
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Originally Posted By: asitis
Thanks Bob & NDY.

Bob, I know I understand a lot of it, and I'm fairly good at looking at other's sitch and seeing something helpful. It is a whole other kettle of fish when you have to deal with your own sitch. This is why therapists have therapists. It is sort of like the saying "He who is his own lawyer has a fool for a client."
Asitis,

You're welcome. I know exactly what you mean, that is why we are all here. Many times, someone on this forum gives me advice that seems SO obvious, and I wonder, "Why didn't I think of that?" We both know why. It's because you are in the middle of the sitch, emotions can take over and we need a clear perpective from others.

Your advice to others seems rock-solid. We are here for you, Asitis. grin

Your friend,

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,902
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Just caught up on your sitch, asitis. I appreciate the comments/support you left me, you seem very knowledgeable. I heard many of the same comments as you did in the beginning about not being happy and ILYBNILWY.

Originally Posted By: asitis
And just got a text from W that my older S(6) arrive right now. The change in that R has really been noticeable. Before the vacation and my W having friends over while she has them, he was go away dad and we want mom. Now, it is I don't want to be w/ mom, I want you to come back.

I know he adores his mom & is not good about competing w/ others for her attention, and that this is part of it. That hurts me to see. But it also is really nice to have him want me and voice that to both my W & me.


I've also had this happen in my sitch. Before BD my kids revolved around W and my D4 would even make comments that she wanted me to go into the big water (basically, die). She always liked being around W more than me, and now we both are hearing a reverse in this situation at times. D4 likes to be around me more, doesn't like mommy at times, etc. It does hurt that even a child can recognize there is an issue with W, but also comforting to know you are doing such an amazing job with them that its having an effect.

Stay strong, keep moving forward with your life.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
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asitis Offline OP
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So, younger S was under the weather & fell asleep. Was hoping to take them out for some afternoon fun.

W was her usual distant and uninteresting self of late. It is always a bit of a shock that the woman who I shared so many interests and values has become so uninteresting of late. We had such great talks even during the last Summer and Fall when things were really tense. I know it is partly her disconnecting from me and our M, but her world has become sort of shallow. Ah well, no help for it until she deals with herself (or doesn't).

Couldn't get out shopping w/ the younger one sleeping, so I don't have much in the house for dinner. Since I couldn't take them out for some fun this afternoon, we're going out for pizza (and a good beer for me).

Also, realized that my routine has been off since getting back from vacation last week. My meditation and exercise routine hasn't gotten back on track, and I haven't had enough adult contact as usual. Partly, everyone I usually interact with seems out of town, but partly that I just post vacation let-down and disruption.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
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