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u-turn #2582761 06/28/15 10:37 AM
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Oh U, definitely come and ride here in NZ! It would be well worth it and you would inspire me to get some time on the saddle and get myself out there again. It is winter here and I hate riding in the cold. I have in the past overcome this hate, and trained in the frost and fog, maybe just maybe you can inspire me to harden up and get myself out there again. Fair is fair though too Mr U, that if you cycle here, that sometime in the future I can have a trip to you in Chicago, a part of the world I have always wanted to visit. Spring/summer time of course, your winters seem a tad more severe than here in NZ.

As for how I really am, I think I'm ok, I say think because it has been such a strange two months. I will however formulate an update sometime soon and put it on my thread. You will have to stay tuned I guess.

In the meantime U, chin up and know that you are not alone as move through this next phase with your W and children. Miles and distance mean nothing in this virtual world. I will stop by for a coffee and chat soon!

XxxxJB

u-turn #2582837 06/28/15 06:21 PM
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Originally Posted By: u-turn
Thanks for checking in Bob - you are a great friend to so many on these boards- you are so generous with your kind words and prayers to everyone.
Thank you - Peace to you.
Hi U,

You're very welcome! smile I appreciate the kind words and your post in my thread. We are all here to help each other. What a "family!"

Peace to you as well. You will be ok!

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
RAI #2582860 06/28/15 07:25 PM
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U

Fins I can chat about lots.

Time for WW to have her own account and for the two of you to pay bills jointly.

This is how:
WW has her account
U has his account
WW and U pay set sum to joint account
Joint Bills get paid from joint account

Joint Bills are always agreed in advance, power, food, house and contents insurance, family costs etc....

Each pays own car...


I understand about the business Fins, mine is so dire it isn't true. All because I am not functioning well.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2583061 06/29/15 03:58 PM
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yes V - I believe this is how it should work for now, but I don't see how I can force this either. Yes - fair is fair, but this would take an actual conversation and agreement.

The business - yes - my drowning and depression caused a lack of function since BD. I can only blame myself for this because it is how I handled my sitch - it paralyzed me in many ways. I have made a major recovery here.

I am resorting to writing an apology/explanation letter to the owner of each bridge I burned along the way. It is embarrassing, but I don't know what else I can do to re-build.

---

On another front, it seems that a conversation that I had with my brother turned into a rumor mill. W has heard from someone that we are getting a divorce. This is not exactly how I wanted this to play out, and I'm not exactly sure how it happened. I haven't told anyone that we are getting a divorce, because I do not really know that - I only told brother that we were having troubles when he was wondering why she wasn't at his party with me. (In no way did I indicate that there was an affair.)

But anyway, I have to address this in some way with W. I know I probably shouldn't have talked to my brother, but I do not really want to hide or make up excuses or lie either.

I would guess that W feels outed and that it is nobody's business - maybe she is right. I didn't intend for this to happen, but I also feel that my own family deserves to know why I have been the way I have been for the last year and a half.

This may fall under the scorched earth category - or it may go away - or it may just prod things along and make W realize that this is really happening.


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
RAI #2583064 06/29/15 04:02 PM
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RAI - Thanks for writing that. I feel that there are many similarities in our situation and we can lean on each other.

Here's hoping for a good week.
Thanks again!!


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
u-turn #2583096 06/29/15 05:20 PM
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Probably blew this one:

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

Although any discussion of anything with anyone would upset W. I was not looking for help from anyone, just a short explanation of my life - and I poorly thought that it would stay between us. I guess it just puts a crimp in her idea of hiding forever.

Sorry I said it? not really - sorry it spread? probably. sorry it got back to W? not really at this point.


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
u-turn #2583103 06/29/15 05:33 PM
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Originally Posted By: u-turn
But anyway, I have to address this in some way with W. I know I probably shouldn't have talked to my brother, but I do not really want to hide or make up excuses or lie either.

I would guess that W feels outed and that it is nobody's business - maybe she is right. I didn't intend for this to happen, but I also feel that my own family deserves to know why I have been the way I have been for the last year and a half.
u,

Stop. Remember that your WW is responsible for all of this. I have been pretty meticulous about not sharing my private matters. Nevertheless, people talk and continue to talk. People are talking about my troubles literally 700 miles away. They most certainly did not hear it from me. People talk. You don't need to tell the whole world, of course, but it is not the end of the world that you told your brother.

I also don't think you need to address this with your W. SHE HAD THE A. You do not need to apologize or make excuses why someone knows. You did not need her consent or permission to tell someone, just like she did not ask your consent to go outside the M. Regarding being outed, you also don't know what W feels. The best response, in this case, is no response. Move on.

RAI


Me 48 XW 45
lots o' kids
D April 2017
RAI #2583372 06/30/15 11:15 AM
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Hey lovely U. I have to say I agree fully with RAI on this one, and he put it far more politely and respectfully than what was going in my head when read your last few posts. your wife has called the shots for far too long. Seeking support in times of hardship requires no explanation!

Last edited by JellyB; 06/30/15 11:23 AM.
JellyB #2583427 06/30/15 02:25 PM
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Thanks RAI & Jelly. I do agree with this and did just ignore the text barrage.

but on to another today and to me this contradicts yesterday's with W.

an old friend of ours who we haven't seen in probably 5 years is in a nearby city and is having trouble. W seems to be drawn to these wounded souls and wants to save people (and to me that is how she started with OM). She was packing up and going to either bring friend to our house, or stay in the city with him at his hotel. Red flags went off in my head and I questioned this (not saying no, but questioning to find out more info).

I have not talked to him in years, but it seems that W does and has been recently often.

By questioning this, she is accusing me of not standing up for friends, hoping I will never need a friend, saying that her family has always showed me love (I responded to this one in agreement). She says now she knows who I am.

I did say to her that when she hides and acts secretively, I don't know what to trust. I know nothing about this so I questioned it.

she is tired of my word games as she put it - i corrected her when she said that I accused her of making it up. I told her that I questioned it.

angry blargidy blar after that. (marriage/relationship, accuse/question) OOPS learned too much about words here I guess.

I am not purposely trying to push buttons with her, I am just trying to be as clear as possible what I mean so there is no misunderstanding. I don't think she sees it that way.

I think this contradicts yesterdays nonsense because now she sees this other wounded soul that needs an ear or help, but I was berated yesterday for talking to my family - nice. guess she tends to care for others more than her own family.


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
u-turn #2583561 06/30/15 06:51 PM
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and this ^^^ bothers me because clearly I am not detached enough to not care - and my distrust is so deep that I don't know how I would shake it.

distrust of W and her potentially glomming on to another broken soul to repair who strokes her ego. This seems to be a problem that I'VE had. Even if OM1 were a thing of the past, how would I ever get past it and not suspect that every male lost soul that she wants to fix is not the next predator?

From many of the text messages that I am still trying to un-see from a year ago, this was the case (two broken souls that found each other and leaned on each other - blech)

I just don't want any more predators or even potential predators around my family.

She would deny all of this and think I was just jealous and crazy - and we cannot talk about it.


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
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