gan 7 - Ants Marching

[Bob723]

Normally I would just bury it and move on. Instead I took the advice of my DB coach and emailed him how I felt. I tried to be tactful and acknowledge his positive intent and that I didn't feel he did anything wrong, while still voicing how it impacted me and where I was.

The result? We had a great conversation today and he agreed being direct is a good way to go.

Normally I don't copy/paste exact emails, but I think my Dad is safe so here it is. I'm feeling good. Hooray us for being direct!

Hi Gan,

Great words of wisdom from Zues. I admire your sense of adventure, but if you are not feeling confortable, direct is the only way to go!

I wish you well.

Bob

[Vanilla]

When you are ready Gan would appreciate an update.

I see you on the board a little sometimes but I do concern myself with our intrepid explorer.

Plus you do some cool stuff.......

V

[gan]

Thanks, Bob and V.

V - I love that you called me an adventurer/explorer. I like to think of myself that way, and I think it's a side of me that H never really appreciated/got to see.

I've been around the boards...mostly checking in on friends...but finding it hard to find time to post, especially as I've been meaning to respond in more depth to Zues' post above. Alas, now is not the time to get into that either.

Suffice to say things are good. No word from H. Had a really nice dinner with Other (Older) Meetup Guy during the week though...and he has a crazee LBS story (which I'll not go into here).

Hope everyone is doing well!

[Sotto]

Hi Gan, thanks for stopping by my thread and good to hear that you are doing so well. Nice that you had dinner with older meet up guy OMUG??

I meant to say that earlier discussions on your thread about responding to potential advances from guys resonated with me. I also find it hard to deal with whether I'm making assumptions. If he asks me out, but I don't have a romantic interest, should I say that. But would that be assuming he does etc??

I'm going to try and be more honest and authentic in this area going forward. No news from H then? Have you now passed the point where either of you could potentially file Gan? Do you plan just to carry on as you are for now....which doesn't sound like a bad plan as I think you are doing well...??

Take care xx

[jim0987]

Hi Gan,

just dropping by to say hello and see how the technical gear hunt is going for your hikes?

[Zues126]

especially as I've been meaning to respond in more depth to Zues' post above. Alas, now is not the time to get into that either.

Suffice to say things are good.

Ha, you've had me on pins and needles trying to figure out what horrible character flaw I've revealed. Mostly kidding, you've always used nerf 2x4s

I'm almost done with me book and the one you recommended is next. Keep up the good fight and talk when you can.

[gan]

Thanks everyone for your posts. Tonight I booked a date with DB to catch up with your threads and reply here. The lights are dimmed, the vino is flowing and the mood is set with the Best of 90s French Touch (?) thanks to Apple Music. I don’t know what that means necessarily, but I’m liking it so far.

Toots Honest and authentic is the way to go I think…but I acknowledge I find it a bit challenging at times and need to apply a beginner’s mindset. I also need to be ok being a bit vulnerable. As for H, we could file as of about 1.5 months ago, though I’ve heard nada from him since May. For now I intend to continue as is but if I do find myself in an R then I am sure to question why I am still M (on paper).

Jim The technical gear is serving me very well I did the 50km hike a couple of weekends ago with no dramas. This weekend I (only) did 30km as I came down with a cold during the week. Looks like I found me a team so I am officially training for Oxfam Trailwalker and loving it.

Zues Oh, sorry you’ve been thinking I was going to give you 2 x 4! That’s not it at all. Really I wanted to say how much I admire you for the message you wrote to your dad. One of my big learnings through all this is how hard I find it to bring a voice to my feelings. It does’t mean that I don’t have feelings, but I tend to process them internally. I suspect others might find me a little hard to get to know - not because I am un-friendly, just that it takes me a bit to open up. So your intro paragraph in the letter to your dad really resonated with me. I've also come to realise that I need to time to process…so while I may make do in the moment (sometimes not very well), my insights often come later. I like your letter because you gave a voice to those insights and decided to share them with your dad after the original discussion. That was both brave and constructive. So I guess I really just wanted to say thanks for sharing an example of how to manage this “headflow” (as in workflow…but what is going on in my head!) Brace yourself for the Schnarch book - there’s some pretty graphic stuff in there. I look forward to hearing what you think.

Mozza I found myself in a situation yesterday that left me wondering if Mozza would think I was “put[ting] [my]self and others in complicated situations”. Basically it involved OMUG (older Meetup Guy) inviting me for dinner after the hike yesterday and me saying no…even after i was the one who kind of raised the idea. I ended up sending him an email today, apologising and calling myself out on the fact that I put him in a bit of an odd position. I also said I’m just not sure what to make of our interactions - given that we’re both (technically) still married and there is a big age difference between us. I confess I do enjoy the interactions…but I don’t want him to get caught up in my confusion. Trying to be open about where i am at...

… … … …

So, life goes on and I really just feel like I am letting things wash over me at the moment. Actually, I often have a visual of me standing under a waterfall and just letting the water flow over (cheeeesy, huh?) I’m enjoying navigating new territory and seeing what comes of it. Sometimes that new territory is just a different part of me that I'd not explored previously.

[Cadet]

I also said I’m just not sure what to make of our interactions - given that we’re both (technically) still married and there is a big age difference between us.

My take is that you should enjoy it for what it is worth, however before you get too serious you should change your marital status.
You see how affairs start just with this interaction,
and do you want to be an affair partner?
Do you believe everything that this man says?

[gan]

Hey, Cadet. Trust me, there is really no reason for me to be changing my marital status based on the current state of things. The situation is hard to explain. If we were two gals getting together over dinner and having the same conversation, there'd be nothing to it. But because he's a man - and an older one at that - it just feels a bit more muddled. My confusion about the interaction is just as much about whether we can be friends across that divide, as it is about being in an R. Trying to come to it from a place of no judgement.

As for your questions. Yes, I do believe what this man says. It's complicated and I'm not going to go into it here but the circumstances lead me to believe there is next to no chance for R between him and his wife. He's looking to move on, not have an affair.

[gan]

Just back from weekday GAL drinks with a mutual friend of H and me. She's a lot of fun, and has a fresh perspective on relationships that I find very thought provoking.

Apparently H caught up with her H a couple of months ago. At that time H revealed he "had a lot of fun on Tinder but it wasn't really working out" (her words) and that there was "someone after that but it didn't sound very serious" (her words again). Apparently he asked after me. Sounded like they also had a conversation about his reason for leaving..."because the sparks just weren't there like they were in the beginning".

I feel strangely...whatever.

Oh...and OMUG got back to me and says it's cool, no need to over think. He's right about that.