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First, stop any hovering. Second, I like the "I hardly ever do that anymore." OK, define hardly ever please, and while you're at it, how about anymore when it has not been long since you have.

Don't try to determine what her behavior means. You don't know, and she may not know. This is part of why we try to detach. We just don't know, so we need to create some space that keeps us from being too reactive. The S needs to feel like they are no longer triggering you to respond, even subtly to their actions. Only then do they start to wonder what is going on. Only then do they not feel stifled or controlled.

She does not want a husband who makes demands on her right now. The online flirting/EAs are free of those obligations. See what is so attractive to her right now? Now, if you are doing anything that feels like you expect obligation from her, what do you think her reaction will be? Sure, she has sworn vows and has an obligation, but we are trying to produce real world results rather than make ourselves feel good that we stood for moral/ethical standards. Let her go and have her space. Don't go into her physical spaces. Don't let her feel the thrill of doing something illicit. Just try to detach and set boundaries.

So, what else does that mean. You mention that you are still having sex. Do you really want this? OK, yes you do, but now think about it in the context of her carrying on EAs or sexting and flirting online. Now do you? Don't you deserve better? Again, don't be I demand that you are faithful to me if you want to have sex with me or anything that smacks of "spousal" obligation (see above on why that will turn her off right now), but draw boundaries and then stick to them. If you really don't mind, knock yourself out. But if this bothers you when you aren't all hot and bothered by her, then consider saying no politely but firmly. Women are not used to being turned down. Men are supposed to be this hot bundle of uncontrolled sexual urges, and women are often shocked when the man actually turns down sex. It will get her attention, I assure you.

Other things to do. Get out and GAL. Don't sit around the house interacting with her. She wants space. Give it by looking for things you want to do with your time outside of your R. Hobbies, friends you have let fall by the wayside as we often do when we get M, exercise, trying things we've always wanted to but have put off. These will get you out of hovering and doing things that make her feel stifled, give you something else to occupy your mind, make you more interesting and attractive, and change the pursuer-distancer dynamic that is going on.

Don't go to bars or anything (other than to truly get together with friends), but get out of the d*mned house and away from her regularly.

You'll have a lot of other things to focus on (changes you want to make based on self-reflection, goals for yourself and the R, etc.), but from reading your posts, you really, really need to give her the space and not get entangled in her I want you - you are stifling me confusion.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
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Alright, Last. You've been here three weeks. What are you doing differently about You? What 180s have you identified that you are actually doing CONSISTENTLY?


At BD - Me: 33 Her: 33; M: 10 T: 15; D: 6 and 3

BD: 3/25/15
S: 4/20/15
D: 11/9/15
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Consistent 180's:
working out
always look my best
Saying what I want (asserting myself)
Starting today- more activities outside the house with guy friends.

Work on me:
Reading "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" helping with the fear associated with what she may or may not be doing at any given moment.
Working through the DR activities (up to taking stock, too soon to tell)
Working on NMMNG activities and reclaiming masculinity/personal power- I am one and this is her primary complaint. Wants a man in her life.

I am struggling to understand what is best based on where I am in my stitch. I have a wife that says I love you. She came in my room this morning just to cuddle. She is keeping me at arms length and I don't like it there. However, pushing for more is wrong. I feel like if I refuse her I am pushing her away. So what to do? That is my dilemma....


Me: 39
W: 38
T-18yrs M-13yrs
2 Girls: 10 & 3
EA BD 5/24/15
Separate Bedrooms 6/12/15
PA BD 7/3/15
Separate Residence 8/8/15
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Hi Last, I read on these boards about hugging your W as though she is your Grandma - does that help at all to bear in mind??

T :-)


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Hi Last,

Good start on the 180s and the work you are doing (going to do) on yourself. Keep in mind there are probably so more 180s, it will take a little time to think of them.

I liked Toots' idea about hugging your W as if she were your grandmother. What do you think about that?

Peace, my friend.

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
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Interestingly I am no longer confused about how to handle WW's desire for closeness. This is because just as quick as she turned on the "I want a husband", she has flipped and wants little to do with me now.

How it is today isn't how it will be next week, or even tomorrow.

It seems as though she feels it is appropriate to reach for me when she wants a husband, and then toss me aside when she wants her space. I have to finish detaching. (I have come a LONG WAY).

Do you agree that until she is ready to have a husband ALL of the time, I should not be willing to take her scraps and offer her one some of the time?


Me: 39
W: 38
T-18yrs M-13yrs
2 Girls: 10 & 3
EA BD 5/24/15
Separate Bedrooms 6/12/15
PA BD 7/3/15
Separate Residence 8/8/15
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Yes.

But you won't know it through her words. Watch her actions to see if she becomes ready to recommit.


At BD - Me: 33 Her: 33; M: 10 T: 15; D: 6 and 3

BD: 3/25/15
S: 4/20/15
D: 11/9/15
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I am confused today. I am doing much better at detaching. Only now she accuses me of being cold/curt and so she is withdrawing completely. Making plans to be out of the house every evening when I get home and staying in her bedroom when we are in the house together. Have I swung the pendulum too far in the other direction?

How much of this could simply be that by withdrawing to her room she gets more time to focus on EAs online?

Signed up for phone coaching. Starts today at 1pm. Hopefully they can provide some clarity.


Me: 39
W: 38
T-18yrs M-13yrs
2 Girls: 10 & 3
EA BD 5/24/15
Separate Bedrooms 6/12/15
PA BD 7/3/15
Separate Residence 8/8/15
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,647
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When you say "I am doing much better at detaching", what EXACTLY does that mean?

In my opinion, you shouldn't be acting cold or curt - you should be exhibiting PMA. Detaching is about not letting her moods, actions, feelings, etc affect how you act. it isn't about excluding her or ignoring her.

If you stop pursuing her, it's not unreasonable to think she is going to react by further distancing herself in hopes that you will resume pursuit. I wouldn't pay too much attention.

Hope your coach gives you some great insight and a solid plan!


At BD - Me: 33 Her: 33; M: 10 T: 15; D: 6 and 3

BD: 3/25/15
S: 4/20/15
D: 11/9/15
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 95
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Originally Posted By: Matt777
When you say "I am doing much better at detaching", what EXACTLY does that mean?

In my opinion, you shouldn't be acting cold or curt - you should be exhibiting PMA. Detaching is about not letting her moods, actions, feelings, etc affect how you act. it isn't about excluding her or ignoring her.

If you stop pursuing her, it's not unreasonable to think she is going to react by further distancing herself in hopes that you will resume pursuit. I wouldn't pay too much attention.

Hope your coach gives you some great insight and a solid plan!


Matt you are right on point. My coach zeroed in on the fact that this is supposed to be loving detachment. Not a lack of interaction. I was trying to stay away as much as possible and give her space. He encouraged curiosity about her life but not interrogation. I get it. That's what I'd rather be doing anyway. She's my best friend. It really hurts not to have her there to interact with lately. I am changing course immediately.

He also suggested that her plans may on some level be testing me to see if I am really going to refrain from pursuing her and snooping.


Me: 39
W: 38
T-18yrs M-13yrs
2 Girls: 10 & 3
EA BD 5/24/15
Separate Bedrooms 6/12/15
PA BD 7/3/15
Separate Residence 8/8/15
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