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#2582539 06/27/15 03:01 AM
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Last edited by Cadet; 06/27/15 12:18 PM. Reason: Link

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Anger Anger Anger

All my fault that she had the affair. She "tried to talk to me" about her feelings about another person after she had kissed and made out with them and planned her escape". She said she left becuase I am abusive and controlling. She said she won't talk about it anymore. I said wow - still no empathy for any of this. She said "no". She said she would do it again.

She is glad she left - doesn't regret anything and this has nothing to do with our children being affected in any way.
We will carry on being a family but just redefined. If I object to that she states I am being controlling becuase this is what she wants. She is angry when we talk and angry when we don't talk.

She now admits that her affair was partially responsible for her decision to leave. That was interesting. She gets so much from this person, love, emotinal connction, respect. I honestly had no clue she was unhappy with me and her life.

That is it - officially over it in my book. I had no idea she had the capacity to be this person. Again I control her and resents me showing any emotion about the situation.

Onto other news - gymnastics at 10am and swimming later on in the day. I have to continue to move forward and live my life. Goodbye to the past. The future will be one of my choosing, it will difficult but at least I can do it with integrity.


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Heavy, so sorry to read all this. Listen, I don't think these 'talks' are any use at all. They don't move you forward, you go round in circles and they are just upsetting. Why have them? I think it may be a useful boundary for you to go 'children only' at this stage.

I think recently you've had a lot of engagement with your W - none of it helpful, so why continue to do so? She will say all of this stuff right now. She's still in the 'lurved up' stage of her A.....I say don't put yourself through this torture...

Whether you are done is your choice, but we all know the stats on A's my friend...

Detach and take care xxx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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I'm really sorry for this latest turn. You decide when it is over, obviously, but there are a couple things you noticed that you are not respecting.

These are in your last post in the previous thread mostly. She admits to goading you. You notice the dark circles under her eyes. Something going on in her A? Something going on in her feeling the pain of the loss of your M? Who knows. The anger/spewing is definitely a sign of someone hurting and not very happy, even though it [censored] that she is venting it at you. Read it for what it is. Someone in a very dark place who is handling it very poorly. Doesn't mean you change your view that this isn't a person you want to build a new M with, but after the dust settles a bit on this past encounter it may give you some different perspectives.

You seem like you are in a healthy place, even if it is also a very painful one. Much progress in your personal journey. Glad you are noticing it.

It may be the best thing to totally let go. Totally detach. Let the D go ahead. There is nothing that says you can't keep the door open for remarriage some day if things change, but if she is still doing the you are controlling accusations, etc., then let her control the process and don't even suggest slowing it down or another course. Just validate her concerns and let her run with it. She is still sending you (smoke - or flame?) signals that she is afraid that you will still try to control her and that this is unacceptable to her. You've worked hard to change that. Take this final painful step and drop the rope entirely. See where she take it. You may yet be surprised.

Tell her you've been thinking about what she said, and you can see why she feels that it is better to not delay and that you will support her moving ahead and try to make the best of the situation for everyone. She wants to be heard. Show her you did & you gave it your full consideration rather than just listened and let it pass through you (your validation doesn't indicate you agree with her reasoning, although you are having thoughts that you agree that this may be the best for you). Show her that you support and respect her choices and her controlling her destiny. That is a big 180 in her book. She may notice it, or the fog may obscure it. Likely she will notice it after it is over and regret it. Again, people do remarry. Some Rs just need that full break & a lot of dust settling before both parties grow into the people that healthy and ready to reconsider. Costly & painful & sad.

This isn't really LRT, as she is already driving things toward this so you can't shock her into reality, but it has some of those qualities and does demonstrate ultimately that you can be non-controlling.

I really wish you weren't in this painful sitch, but you are really doing great on your end (maybe cold comfort).


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
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Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
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Heavy,

I feel you, emotions running crazy, thinking about everything and it pulling you in all different directions. Its a tough situation were in. All we can do is keep doing what we can to make it through, and mostly leave them to themselves. No guarantees of anything but were doing the best we can with what we have, that's all that matters. I remember having that same feeling of anger and just being done, just wanting out of the chaos. It comes and goes with the other feelings, part of the process. Take care of yourself today.


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Heavy, all I can say is that if I were in your shoes, I'm not sure I'd have lasted this long. Of course, I just might be in your shoes nine months from now, so I can't say for sure. Every situation is different, and maybe you do just have to say goodbye, maybe that is what's best for you at this point.

That being said, I don't think your W's A will last. It sounds like a pretty complicated affair in itself. I like what asitis says here: "Some Rs just need that full break & a lot of dust settling before both parties grow into the people that healthy and ready to reconsider. Costly & painful & sad." I have a feeling that's the only hope I have for R here, too... which means I've yet got a long road to travel, just like you have.

It's always darkest before the dawn. Hang in there, Heavy.


Me: 46 Her: 41
M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18
3/26 W and I meet OW
BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring
W goes to stay with OW 6/26
NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16
I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
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HeavyD

WW would have to say all that wouldn't she?

Blame you for all the things WW is responsible for!

Sounds reasonable from WW perspective.

All word salad.

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 06/28/15 12:09 AM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
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Moving forward with D. It's in L hands now.

Kids and I are taking a vacation with my family. We will be gone for two weeks. W agreed. She sends email asking if she could see the kids because 2 weeks is a long time. I also have the kids on the schedule for this week. So that makes 3 weeks total. She said it would be very hard for her.

I thought long and hard about it, and why I would say yes or no. I finally replied yes, let me know what date (s) work for you.

In my mind anyway, this is another step towards accceptance and just letting go and saying goodbye to arguments. For my own sanity I have to reframe her in my mind as co-parent. Not my W, just someone I co-parent with. Hurting her by not letting her see the kids for 3 weeks is not good for her or the kids.

Acceptance.





Last edited by HeavyD; 06/29/15 04:52 PM.

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Heavy,

Hurting her by not letting her see the kids for 3 weeks is not good for her or the kids.

Beside this...it is not your value at all. Integrity is important to you. Being the better person sometimes require some personal sacrifices. Not easy at all!

I am so glad that you guys are going away on a long vacation. It will do your PMA wonders and a much needed distraction from your sitch.

Chin up, sweetie.

Wonka #2583084 06/29/15 05:00 PM
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Wonka

I think you misunderstood me - I don't want to hurt her but not letting her see the kids.

I emailed her and asked what dates she would like to see them before we head off.

So I agreed to her request to see them and spend time with them before we left.

Just now heard back from her and she wants to spend time with them on Wednesday. I said sure, that would be fine.

I am sorry I did not make myself more clear.


Last edited by HeavyD; 06/29/15 05:06 PM.

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