The book of Lou - Chapter 3

[LouR]

Thanks NLW, Gwen and Bright, its so good to have the support and advice, it keeps me grounded.

Gwen - thanks for your kind words, it made me smile that you think me as acting gracefully ha ha, I can't see anything graceful about my actions really, I seem to blunder from one thing to another but as time goes on I find the amusing side to it all rather than seeing everything as a complete disaster and life out to get me.

My arm is painful after the jab, I was told it would be a couple of days being sore as it sits under the skin - my malaysian friend told me to rub hot cooked rice on it - something about the starch and warmth moving the blood flow under the skin, apparently it works for bruises also. Will try it this morning and let you know if it works !

Been another busy week at work. I asked our HR person when I can apply for other depts and he told me if I decide where I want to go then he can keep me in mind - although he did say that my supervisor and the store manager would have to approve it and as I am doing a good job they may not want to let me go just yet ...typical really, if I don't do a good job then I wont be considered for a move, but if I do a good job they wont want to let me go -hmmmm.

Its all quiet on the h front - I asked him for space to process the latest and he has given it. I go around in circles about what it is I want to do and what I can honestly handle. I think the main issue is FEAR. Fear of me getting hurt again, of me falling for him and him not feeling the same about me, fear that a future with him will take some of "me" away, fear that I will change. Is he really the best partner for me - is there/could there be better out there ......

I have already had to check myself a few times - I have thoughts about what I want to do next year and I find myself thinking "how would that fit in if we were to get back together", like where I move to next, if I want to study where would it be, would me travelling for a few months be an issue. He has already said that he really can't move because he has only just started a new job and it would not look good for his c.v if he leaves so soon and he also knows I intend to move in November anyway so its not like I am giving anything up for him as it was planned before he contacted me- he asked me to think carefully about it as it's a big ask - but I cant see how we can build anything if we don't even live on the same island!

He said he does not want to dangle a carrot and make promises he cant keep; at least he is being honest in the fact he has no idea how he feels about me - whether its in a friend capacity or wanting it to be more. All he does know is he thinks about me a lot more and feels differently - he had feelings for her when he last saw me so he felt nothing for me, no physical attraction at all, he remembers that and is worried that still stands for him.

To be honest this is worse that not having him in my life at all. At least I knew where I stood and as hard and painful that was, it was just about grieving for my lost marriage, processing what happened and building a new life for myself. Now I have this scramble of emotions, doubts, fears, questions and a terrible case of "what if's".

He said I can ask him anything and he will try to answer as best he can. I dont have any questions - until I know if this is just friendship or more I dont need to know anything, I feel if we are to have chance then I have to draw a line under the past year or it will move forward with us into the future. Can I get past what he did to us, has done in the past year and the things he has said - idk.

[LouR]

Another busy week at work, I am shattered. Next week my new schedule starts, more work in the same amount of time - these schedules have clearly been made up by someone who has never done my job!!

My supervisor told me I am the best cleaner she has had - yep, that is because I am the only one who has been able to consistently complete my tasks - and generally pick up the slack from the other cleaner as if I didn't then my shift looks bad.

So tomorrow is my first day off - no motel work, it will be ....strange ... I am looking forward to it, although must make sure I go and do something and not just veg out which is what I feel like doing.

On the h front - very confusing and almost given up really. Its a game I am not sure I want to play anymore and I don't understand the rules and am fairly sure at this point that I am going to lose. I text him last Friday - yep, I know what you are now yelling at your screen "noooooooo" but the reason I did t was to see how I felt doing it - was I comfortable doing it - and to see how he reacted to it. It was just a "Hi, how's your week been" text, he replied and I told him about my injury and injection. He replied that he hoped I was ok. We talked about Jnr s and he then said he was having the "talk" with ow that weekend and he expected it to be ok as they were both on the same page. I told him to be strong and follow through.

Then this week - nothing. Until today. H text - Morning (inset sunshine symbol here), how's your week been? - I replied and asked him how the "talk" went:

h "Did not go as planned, seems it is just me that has given up entirely. Still a working progress"

m: So what does that mean? Are you trying to mend things"

h "we are not supposed to be talking about this ...no not mending things, just did not follow your advise and remain strong so have to do it all over again"

m " sorry I asked but you know my boundary and when it comes to you I don't want to play games"

h" I know"

I then changed the subject, we talked about sx2, his parents who have emailed me a few times over the past couple of weeks and his weekend plans.

I work with mainly males and over the past few weeks they have asked my story and all have said they are shocked and what an idiot h is he he. I have mentioned the recent contact and they are all of the opinion that it is not normal male behaviour to leave someone and then want to be so friendly with them a year later - Then I have my female friends saying - RUN - that he is using me as things have not turned out as he hoped they would -

I don't want to be his "friend" - heck I am not sure I even want to be his w anymore. But these mixed messages are driving me crazy - loopy - la la. Life was so much better knowing where I stood - which was nowhere in his life.

anyway, onwards and forwards. 2 days off to look forward to :o)

Love n hugs to all you DB'ers out there xx

[BrightFuture]

I have mentioned the recent contact and they are all of the opinion that it is not normal male behaviour to leave someone and then want to be so friendly with them a year later

Maybe not in MLC world. They don’t know…

Then I have my female friends saying - RUN - that he is using me as things have not turned out as he hoped they would -

Well, what is he using you for? As a shoulder to cry on? I know so well these kinds of “advices”.

It does sound pretty bizarre (read MLC) for him to discuss his R with ow with you. He is one messed up man. And, obviously, he is not cocked yet. At the same time, from reading about MLC stages and affairs, it looks pretty “normal”. I mean the process of breaking up with OW. It is going to take some time. And if you push and press, and even ask questions, it is going to take a lot longer. I would stay detached and pretend that I just don’t care. Keep him at a distance. I think you gave him an idea that you are open for communication, but also set the boundaries. It is now up to him to deal with whatever he needs to deal to maintain the friendship with you, and maybe hope for something more. You can always say "no more".

Enjoy your days off!

[Lifes Twists]

If there is one thing I have learned is nothing is too crazy in the world of MLC. Most people who are not nor have ever deal with it try and see it through a rational perspective. Their advice is based on the rational perspective. What we know is there is nothing rational about it nor will there be till the person comes through it and gets to a place where they start to see their own actions in a rational way. The best advice is to not read anything into it, keep some space, and keep working on yourself.

[job]

Lou,
Until people have to experience MLC or deal w/a MLCer, they do not and will not understand that it's an emotional crisis. There is absolutely nothing normal and/or rational about someone in crisis.

Life Twists has stated it very well, "the advice is based on the rational perspective". MLCers aren't rational. All any of us can do is give them plenty of space and time to figure things out and at the end of the day, YOU are the one that will determine what YOU want, i.e., be friends and/or reconcile.

[LouR]

Thank you Bright, LT and job

I do sometimes question if this is a mlc as my h has gone from no contact to being open about everything, pretty much no subject is off the table if I wish - yet he only wants friendship from me ...but then he flirts and is cheeky .... see confusing right - its like being teenagers again - perhaps I should ask my BF to ask his BF, oh wait, I am his BF ahhhhhhh Funny Day :o)

Joking aside I am ok, just trying not to get sucked in, which is easier said than done some days. I still remain on my own path, making plans for future trips and this weekend I really need to think about what I am going to do for work as I really dont want to remain in my job.

[LouR]

Ok an eventful morning so thought I would share with you my mini update -

ow has discovered (snooping at h phone and putting 2&2 together and coming up with 6) that h has an ow - who turns out to be ...me! Hilarious.

He told me this morning and said that they have her kids there this weekend so she is brewing and he is waiting for her to blow - I would so love to have a front seat to this one : will he
a) man up and tell the truth
b) tell some doozer lie to cover up the contact or
c) do something completely different

Answers on a postcard please :o)

It's quite amusing that she sees me as a threat - I have remained completely out of their lives/r so she must have some serious trust issues. I also find it a little bit naughty, I mean, me being the ow , ha ha ha ha, if only it were true.

He said he will ring me tomorrow - that's if he survives, sleep with one eye open I say ...chuckling away to myself .....

[BrightFuture]

Hahaha… Lou, you made my day… No, it is night right now… No kidding, he has a contact with the Mother of HIS kids (thus, you cannot be completely out of their lives… ever)…I know there is more to this, but just cannot resist to stab at the stupidity and ignorance of the OW. And not just this one, any OW in general…

Lou, I would love to have that front seat next to you, LOL. I would have some fireworks ready, when she blows … Just to compliment the show…

[LouR]

Thanks Bright - you are most welcome for the show, you supply the fireworks and I will supply the popcorn.

The texts she saw had nothing to do with our sx2, they did not imply anything improper going on either, unless you count cheeky banter ;o) ....... which I suppose does look suspicious; your partner and his ex exchanging friendly texts lol.

She said she expects him to tell her every time we have contact and as soon as it happens and what the contact was about - paranoid or what !! Actually, she is right to be, but not my problem, that's what you get for hooking up with a m guy just out of a very long relationship. Duh.

I feel free tonight, its so calming to know that h is going through a crazy scene and emotional madness whilst I am curled up on my couch watching tv without a care - my only worry is which flavour chocolate to have :o)

[LouR]

End of another week and thought I would give you an update

H told ow the text was me asking for his help with s18 - which technically was not a lie, only that happened a few days before her discovery!

She said she accepted that we have to have contact about our c but she is not happy we talk about anything else and it's not normal ex behaviour for me to be friendly towards him and him with me .....ha ha ha, hilarious, she knows her man so little.

By Wednesday I was over the game, done, finished. So when he text me and said that she sees me as a threat I replied

"she has a point; if you look back over recent texts between us they are cheeky bordering on flirty, this is not normal ex's communication. I don't feel that us being friends is going to work any longer, as any future relationships you have will always see me as a threat"

h replied - "there is only one future relationship I am interested in and us being friends is kinda important in that one x"

I replied "nice answer. Get out of your current one first huh"

Yesterday (friday) I got another text from h

H - Work going great, I am working on some exciting new projects. Home is ok - I had the talk last night, all cool, calm and collected at the moment, she is moving out when she returns from visiting her brother next week x"

I replied, just saying that I am pleased work is going well and happy for him that she has accepted his decision this time.

So now the ball is firmly back in his court. I need to make sure we don't go too quickly for both me and his sake - its easy to get caught up in the "romance" of it all and not see the bigger picture. Baby steps and lots of time. Thankfully we live in different places so we have to take things slowly, start with being friends again, getting to know each other to see if we even like the new versions of us - obviously there is a connection there but we need to establish if it is just a case of history and familiarity or is it true love and desire to be together.

2 days off starting tomorrow - I am going out with a g/friend on Monday, she is going to take me to all the good op-shops. I just love em' - one persons trash is another persons treasure.

Have a great weekend everyone -