WAS or what (2)

[roist]

Do you mean to bring condoms !!!!!!!!?

Regardless I intend to have fun.

[roist]

When I get back I may start a new thread WAW or WAH.

I have had this holiday as a landmark all year. Just get to then and we'll see. Well I made it and unfortunately instead of waiting until we got back my thoughts turned negative early and I am spending way too much time in neg thinking.

I had done a long post but lost it. I really need some vets help. I am not at the point where I don't want my M anymore. I am close to giving up.

I want so much for us to work. I want so much for this situation to end. I have no plan B so maybe there is not much I can do straight away..

I think she is unhappy in general and not specifically or rather not exclusively with me. That I suppose is better than exclusively with me. But he is unhappy being with me. That I can see. Why does she not drop the bomb, idk, but I assume it is for kids sake.

If I steal a kiss or a touch, there is no repulsive reaction, but apart from good morning and goodnight kisses there is nothing initiated by her. We have not ML in over two years now. That is getting harder to live with.

I think she feels trapped and has no good options. Again mind reading.

I think I want her to drop the bomb and then we stop pretending. I do not want it to come from me. I have a few options, that I am considering.

1. Reinitiate physical contact as if we are happy couple. She will either go along with it and I break this two year drought or she will be unwilling to, in which case that will be the straw that breaks the camels back.
2. A more direct version of 1. I tell her that I do not want a sexless/loveless M. It is not an option going forward so either we find a way to reintigrate it if we are to survive.
3. Tell her, that I can see she is unhappy and that although it is not what I want she should leave me if she wants out.
4. Talk to her and ask is there a way to work together on making this better
5. Do nothing......nothing direct.
6. Tell W I am fed up being alone and explain this etc.

I know most of these are anti-DR, but I feel I have lost some self-respect in just accepting things.

Is my best bet to saving my M to sit it out (OK whilst working on me etc) or do I have to change this dynamic first. I admit that I hope shaking the appkecart could save things, but I mostly don't likebeing in this apple cart.

HELP ME.

[Cadet]

1. Reinitiate physical contact as if we are happy couple. She will either go along with it and I break this two year drought or she will be unwilling to, in which case that will be the straw that breaks the camels back.
2. A more direct version of 1. I tell her that I do not want a sexless/loveless M. It is not an option going forward so either we find a way to reintigrate it if we are to survive.
3. Tell her, that I can see she is unhappy and that although it is not what I want she should leave me if she wants out.
4. Talk to her and ask is there a way to work together on making this better
5. Do nothing......nothing direct.
6. Tell W I am fed up being alone and explain this etc.

I think you need to work through what the consequences of each of these will be, how will you react either way and then what will you do?

[roist]

I have thought each through and idk how they will play out.

I have no intention of moving so maybe the worst that can happen is an in house separation. That would be worse than her leaving for me mentally.

I don't want to pressure her to stay. I don't even need her to decide now. U guess I want her to know I don't want to continue this way.

Thanks Cadet.

All other advice or comments are welcome . I have an action plan to work on me etc and other controllables. But I fear that if I don't think this through now I may end up letting it all out in a bad unretrappable way.

[Cadet]

I have thought each through and idk how they will play out.

I was not saying you know what she would do.
However taking the first item - she either will or wont.
So how will you react to:
Will - my guess ecstatic.
Won't - you say the straw that will break the camels back.
SO what will you do with a broken camel back?

Go through the rest the same way.

[Zephyr]

Hey Roiste, I wished to hear that your trip was going better than this.

Wanted to just say that your spot is not an easy one. it is not going to resolve itself overnight...no matter what direction you go. We support you, no matter what you decide. we will be here for you, as long as you need!!!

I was going to post something very similar to what C has written (although he was much more concise than I would have written ) MWD just this week posted on Facebook something very specific to this topic, it read:

"So many people who divorce don't fully consider ALL the fallout of their decisions. Although it's impossible to have a crystal ball, careful thought about how life will play out after divorce should be mandatory. Too many people just get caught up in the moment and fail to recognize all the new and unintended problems that will occur as a result of divorce." - MWD

I hate that you are hurting. I hate that you have started losing self-respect. I honestly believe that saving your self-respect has nothing to do with your wife. It is about being who you want to be, allowing yourself to be treated respectfully and acting according to what your core values and principals are. If you chose to stay or chose to go, it must because of what you want to do and what you feel is best for you and your children, not because of what your wife wants or doesn't want.

[roist]

I am likely to break this down to several posts. Bare with me if it is long.

The week before our holiday I spent five days practically 24/7 with w and it was good. Relatively good. Easy conversation, jokes, smiles, eye contact and no negativity.

This changed a few days before leaving where W became distant and withdrawn. This continued throughout the trip. She was never cold but not interactive with me. Basically felt like she was on holidays with her kids and I was there with mine.

Long story short, if I was to feel so alone I honestly would have preferred to be alone with the boys. This really affected me and I don't know if I want to go through that again.
I
Before everyone hits me with the detach, detach detach speach, I know. But I haven't been fired as H. We still share a bed and live as a family. I think it [censored] if after all this effort that it is me that ends that. But that being said this situation cannot continue indefinitely.

I want her so much, in every way and I want us to have a happy life together and keep family together. On the other hand, I don't want the actual situation to continue. This is a big conflict for me. At times I would prefer to be separated than support the lack of affection etc.

I feel I am near the point where I need to prepare plan B.

Got to go. I'll finish this later,

[roist]

When we got back things warmed up a bit. Not a lot but noticeably warmer.

There was talk of projects around the house etc and nit just in the immediate. Before I took these as great signs but now it vexs me that she thinks things can go on for much longer like this.

Last night I mentioned my friends wedding back home. No negativity and looks like she willing is going. Later in the week I want to book so we will see how that pans out. I definetely want to go with her but not if she is like she was recently.

If she shows no signs of reluctance , hesitance or other indication she doesn't want to go, I will book it and then have another date in the future to aim for. I will not pressure her or insist she comes.

W will be starting a new job this week. Went to sign contract today. She wore her rings. She didn't on our trip, but she never liked wearing them when hot and humid due to fingers swelling. As we were going to see my fily that was dissapointing but not a big deal.

[roist]

A post about the uncomfortable or inappropriate friend.

I have read every text, E-mail and Facebook exchange between the for the last 10 months. Yipes I've been at this 10 months. Anyway in all that there is nothing to categorically show there is anything more than close friends. But it is not right that they confide in each other ESP about us. He is supportive of her, empathetic and validating. That's my job!

I still doubt there is anything going on between them, BUT my reading between the lines is that my W likes spending time with him. He is by far her closest friend. Does she have a crush or does she just need a friend. Idk. This us not my focus or not my principal focus. It is part of the uncontrollable aspects. However coupled with how we are in our R, this cannot be dismissed.

Even if W was interested, I feel he does not want R with her. Even if both dud, I could not see it lasting. But if something does happen it will be he choice. If she chooses that, I stick with my boundary of there being no us.

I cannot stay in a R were I spy to be sure nothing is happening. I hope to get to a place soon where I can stop this. I'll outline this as part if my plan for me going forward. I will outline my main areas of focus in the next few weeks/months. I needed to get the negative shite out first. Rant over.

While waiting for my next post about my actions/goals, I welcome any feedback .

[roist]

Chatted with IC today. She believes I have made great progress and have the cards in my deck to be happy. She says I can have no regrets if it does not work out and she see's me as being a good catch for someone else.

I don't like how she speaks as if it is done, but she made some interesting points. She believes that if we split, I will move on quickly and not look back. She thinks that maybe W knows that and that is why she has not dropped the bomb (literally said W not sure wants to lose me). This is mindteading but she has a lot of experience. Also said that she is certain Will regret losing me, though possibly too late.

She urged me to talk to W. Strongly urged. Says I should ask to understand how she can behave as if doesn't want to be withmeandpkan future stuff etc together.

She empathised that what I am going through must be hell. She says it can tgo on indefinitely as it is unhealthy. Gave me advice on not putting everything on me.

I said I felt recently like how I did when I was depressed, except I am looking for a solution instead of being suicidaire. She said this shows that it is not from me. I am over my depression and am working on me/us. I cannot fix her part.

I think that if I had not beenadament at the beginning that needed her to support my efforts to save M, she would have said that I havedobe all I can. Mind reading again but....

Anyway I'll be back with my action plan/goals