WAS or what (2)

[roist]

The last thread is almost full so it is time for a new one. Thanks to MrBond I will be starting this thread with a different focus.

First thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2562235#Post2562235

I have thought hard about what I have been doing, what specific actions I have taken to improve me and my situation. I am sure that I am not remembering every thing I have done in the last six months, but I was surprised I haven't done more. Maybe a lot of my work has been to keep my head above water and not actually going somewhere. That being said you need the head above water

I listened to a lot of podcasts, u tube videos and read tons of websites about saving M etc. I even put podcasts on mp3 to listen to while working.

Here are some of my actions:
# GRUMPY. I was grumpy. Before I reacted a lot to many things by grumpy remarks or growling answers. More defensive than aggressive. A part from one or two slips, I now react positively and lightheartedly to the same situations. Sometimes I only manage to not react negatively but even that is an improvement.
# kids. I am less tolerant and maybe firmer with the boys. Unfortunstelybeing stressed I often interacted with them grufly or loadly. Anyone with kids has done that but looking back I did it constantly.since no matter how bad I am I try to only tract with love and understanding.and if I do raise my tone it is due to their behaviour and not my mood. I am now much more patient than before and more than my W.
# before I wasn't overly enthusiastic about doing anything. Now I want to do more and more.
# I didn't live the moment. I always was lost elsewhere in my thoughts.I still struggle with that due to M situation, but I actively try to live in the moment now. I am improving and this has greatly helped me when with my sobs.
# My GAL activities include sport (weights, fitness, running, cycling) and have entered an adventure race in two weeks time as a team of two with a friend.I have also rekindled friendships and widened slightly my social circle. There us room for improvement but I am going towards people more than ever. I hope to join a club (swimming/triathlon) later in the year. I also have been active with many projects around the house/garden.
# before I felt like an observer in my own life, and not a participant. My W mentioned something like that too a few months ago. I had the impression my W was pushing Mr out of doing stuff too or rather she wanted to handle it on her own. But I accept this is my problem and for me to solve. I am making good progress but have more to do.
# communication. This was always not a great skill of mine. I was often lacking when my W wanted to talk. It was not lack of interest. I was just bad at it and during depression even worse. After I snapped out of depression I was willing and able to communicate about anything. Reality hit in then. What my W needed before she didn't want from me now. Being an important issue I had put it as one of my goalsas per DR, but slackened off on it due to rules/advice here.
#Before I had gone cold due to feeling rejected. After my awakening I reinitiated touching. Eg when on couch I would have hand on her lap etc. For better or words I stopped this as it is pursuing. I am having doubts about that but will follow advice here. But it felt like I was let do it as opposed to any initiation by W.

I am hard on myself and have low self esteem. I realise this and am trying to improve it. But that does let me see my failings and my part in this story.

I'm sure there is more I could add, but hopefully that is enough for Mrb or anyone else to assess what I am doing. By even writing this helped me see that I am not doing everything I can. I think it is time to restart trying stuff to see what works.

[roist]

I didn't mention my action of doing nothing about inappropriate friend. I was never a control freak but I realise I do want to control that. I know I could get him to avoid anything happening. But I don't know if that will help with W.

I can explain this better if someone wants to offer advice. I would kike to hear opinions on taking action or not. As of yet no A, but is inappropriate, at times.

Also an action I am not proud of is snooping.
If there is something I prefer to know, but this is not how I want to carry on indefinitely

[2cents]

Big list of things you have done! Are all of them for your sake? Unfortunately, even if you were the perfect person, your spouse might not appreciate it, or acknowledge it, yet. Keep doing the things you want for yourself, because you want to, and feel glad you made the effort.

As far as the inappropriate relationship, it's probably one of your hurdles. You'll get mixed messages about what to do about it. From personal experience, I think it will have to end for her to truly notice you. The quandary is what role can you take to seeing the end of this other relationship. I think probably not a lot. Other than continuing to offer her a better alternative in yourself.

[roist]

Thanks for dropping by 2c.

Some of the stuff on the list may have been inspired by my m, but it is all for me in that it will stand to me regardless.

As of yet the relationship is "just" inappropriate. I outlined that in more details through last thread. There is a good chance that even if I do nothing it will not go anywhere. But I would prefer it to go away. It is nit right he discusses personal stuff esp mine with her.

My gut says he will do nothing. My W I am not sure what is going on in her head. . In two days there will be an end of year school event and we will all be there. I can use that occasion to do something. This guy is paranoid that everyone talks about him and the last thing he wants is more of that. I believe I could use that to be sure he backs away. If not at least the situation becomes clearer.

I have s few options
1) do nothing. If I was a betting man I would say that even if I did nothing there is a good chance (75%+) that will not developed into Each/PA. But doing something now could help make sure. In two weeks the school is out, so there is less contact for the summer........normally. plus I am nit finished improving me do waiting gives me more time, to be a brighter lighthouse.

2) contact him either directly or indirectly with a subtle or not do subtle message. I believe this would be effective. This is just my reading of the situation based on snooping observations and what I know about him.

3) give W message either directly or indirectly subtly or not. I have mixed feelings on this. Firstly for me my w is the issue and not this guy and a confrontation is probably not likely to improve things between us. Secondly maybe on a deep level that would gain her respect, which down the road could help.

Let the voting begin!

[roist]

I have taken out DR again to see what other tips I can pick up. I find that depending where we are mentally or in our situation, different parts of her advice speaks to us.

Thanks again mrBond for your intervention allowing me to refocus. I look forward to your guidance and advice going forward.

[Zephyr]

I am glad you are looking hard st your situation with wife. It is kind of important for us to understand where we stand and where our wives are at. But the more we focus on that, the less attention we are placing on us. I'm not talking about sticking your head in the sand either.

We just cannot lose sight though that this is really not just about wife...it is about YOU. We are setting ourselves on the path to saving ourselves First then we can work on marriage.

It is clear there is something going on with your and my wives...may not be an affair yet, who know. Intel is good for later. But you need to keep working in your side of this.

Let's just say that you do discover there us a relationship going on. If she were yo end that today are you the best Roiste you can be or will she see the she the same man that she has been trying to get away from? This is why you are lucky. She is still here and you have time to really make yourself a better man.

You can be a lighthouse (and I am so glad that you are) the growth needs to be in place for that to matter... Else our wives will just find a dimmer light somewhere else. The improvement needs to be underway.

I have seen the switch Is turning on for you so I don't want to beat the dead horse...so Have you been working on your goals for self improvement, have you been looking for 180's to change the dynamic at home, have you been getting out?

[roist]

Z, I am different, I am better but I am not the best I can be yet.

I am working on me, my goals and how to be happy. So I am working on my side of the equation. My half.

I feel intervening in her side of things may help. At best he is a biased friend, at worst a distraction or infatuation. As many have said before maybe there will never be any progress in our R as long as he is there. I am nit under the illusion that intervening will be a switch and all will be rosy afterwards. Just may improve the chances.

Others say need to be on W's timetable. I understand that too.

But idk. That is why I spealt it out here. Thanks for input.

[Zephyr]

You have to do what you think is best. It is clear you have been thinking this through. I was hoping that is the case and I am glad for you that you have been.

I hope you will have a great weekend!!!

[roist]

I've started digging myself a hole it seems. What is the best DB way out of it?

It is long and complicated background story that I don't have time to outlibe . Here is a quick summary:

We were at end of school party Saturday. W and inappropriate friend are part of the parents association that organised and run the event. Interactions with W were limited but OK, ñever cold. But she was busy a lot if the time. I got busy mingling, chatting as well as keeping an eye on our boys.

I chatted to a guy that had issues with same inapp. friend and his W. I did nit bring up the topic and I never mentioned my W. This guy that I don't know that well started telling me his marital life story. Basically his W cheated twice and now the guy is angry. His issue with inapp. Was multiple texts and his mistrust of W from previous infidelity.

I am not going to become that guy. He is eaten by anger and mistrust. He is staying with W for kids but for me that is not a M. My reading of the situation is that the texting was again "just" inappropriate. Is it intentionally inappropriate or just his character idk.

When it got late and boys needed to go, I brought them . W stayed until end and afterwards to clean with the others.

Now starts the bit where I started digging and really wasn't sure what best course of action was. Depending on when the guests stop partying these evenings can be late. But when it got really late, and still no sign of W I really didn't know what to do. Having not been fired as H, I thought doing nothing was wrong. I debated with myself between what I wanted to do and just waiting. I suppose the DB way is I should have slept but I couldn't.

In the end I had enough debating with myself. I acted. When text and phone did not answer I really didn't know what to do. I decided to go back to where the event was. If she had been in an accident or was mugged (as she looks after associations money) I would not forgive myself.

I arrived there and they were sitting chatting. Apart from the hour and the fact they were alone it did not appear suspicious. They could have been in a car or event the function hall, but no they were in the open with car lights lighting the area.

Again I was unsure how to react. What is in keeping with DBing. I went over to them. Calmly. Before I said anything he said the others had just left. I said calmly to w that when no reply to text/phone I was worried. I said I was glad she was OK. Phone was in her car so possible she didn't hear it. much else was said. I said I didn't want to leave boys alone any longer so I left. She said she didn't realise the hour, and was coming now. I left and she arrived a few minutes later.

When she came to bed neither of us seemed sleepy. So we chatted. Almost as if normal. I had no anger, jealousy, coldness or other negative attitude. I was not sure what is the DB protocol in such circumstances. I enjoyed talking with her but I watched what I said. Her chattiness may well just have been fishing. We chatted for almost two hours! Last thing I wanted to be was angry, aggressive or cold so being chatty beat riding and turning while waiting to sleep. Did mean we only got v little sleep and were both wrecked Sunday.

Edited by request

Sunday I played as normal with kids, was in good mood with W. W was again talky so we talked. About all the goings on and scandals and everything else. I thought it was too bizarre if I didn't mention it do I asked what they were talking about last night. She shared a lot of his personal problems with exW and kids.

She fished a bit about my long chat with the other h. I let her fish but in the end I decided to share the part about her friend. I stated it matter of factly and offered no commentary as to what I thought about it. Again I worked on the logic as before.

So in short we have chatted a lot since. In all of those I have never been emotional, needy, enquisitive, cold or upset. In reality I was relatively Zen, though really unsure as to best DB approach.

Edited as per request


My aim now is to let the dust settle and observe.

Edit per request

If W mentions nothing, I will do the same and spend the summer working mostly on me.


I am not going to dwell on this. Whatever happens happens. If anyone had advice before I go home great.

Last info. W texted him Sunday saying all OK at home and to thank him for the conversation.

I hope this is coherent as I am wrecked tired.

[roist]

Maybe the typos are too difficult to decipher. Here are some of them:

much else was said" should read "not much"

" beat riding and turning while waiting to sleep." Should be beats tosing and turning....

" bizarre if I didn't mention it do Iasked" should read "so I asked....

be inclined to say Ihave not decided what u think, should read "...what I think"


Kay manage should read may manage.


In my edited version that timed out I also outlined we only live a few minutes away from the venue so I didn't leave the kids long and they were asleep.