The Bird, the Cage, and the open door.

[Mighty]

Hey Cali. Ok, just real quick... For most girls... The intimacy part is waaaay more than pure physicality. The hottest part is... The guy... The connection. I can say, Cali, I've never seen you, but you got it going on. No disrespect toward your wife, but... You're good, Cali.

And for a girl who wants to hurt a guy... That's an EASY target. I get the association with Ssm and the comments... But, she feels safe with you. There is nothing better than that. That's got. Not a romp in the sheets that is momentary. Seriously, Cali.... It's gonna be something you will have to work through, for sure. I appreciate your honesty.

Just keep going; you got this. And truthfully, from a girls perspective, you've got nothing to worry about there. You will get there. Be strong, be confident, be honest, make the connection... She will feel it. And so will you.

FYI.... I get the hesitation w std thing... The parting gift. Aw, yeah.... Had check up yesterday. Boooo.... Part of my hesitation round 2.

You're good, Cali. I see lots of happiness in your future.

[Georgiabelle]

^^^^

I love Mighty's post. I agree with her. I don't know what you look like Cali, however, I can tell you are funny, devoted, and a great dad. That alone makes you super swoooooon worthy.

I can tell your w is trying and she has some work to do. Keep being you and stay the course. You are totally gonna stick your landing:)

[Sotto]

I've got a 'virtual crush' on you too Cali and I'm so pleased your W is waking up to what a lucky woman she is...

Take care :-)

[CaliGuy]

Aw Golly gee-shucks .... thank you everyone.

Been thinking about this mess .. its funny .. prior to BD I was actually kind of cocky, amazing what a BD can do to a person. It will just take a little time, I feel like Austin Powers going after Dr Evil for his bottle of Mojo back.

Went over to W's again last night, she made me dinner, ate, we did our homework .. between my frustration of her consistently missing the point, and her dance with Mrs Cramps ... well .. not a great night .. did end ok as we did some pillow talk. This morning .. again ... disaster.

There is a battle .. boundary pushing on a few things it seems. She tried to push buttons but I was not giving that up, seen that dark cold eyed MLC person this morning, so rather than engage, I walked the dog and left. W blew up my phone pushing the issue ... I juts replied with the fact I refuse to go back to a loveless/sexless marriage as I stated to her this morning. I had to bite my tongue a few times and not bring up the A ... as it was right there and would have been so easy, I am happy that I have arrived at a place where I can refrain from doing such things. She continued to blow up my phone a bit, I validated and then just got to a point I told her "Let me know what you would like to do, we can either try to work this out, or divorce. She quickly changed her tone after that.

I understand there will be up and down days .. today is a down ... So we will see what tomorrow brings.

[Sotto]

Ah Cali, sorry to hear that. it is always going to be the case - rocky road. It's a bit like Lord of the Rings. You made it through the haunted marshes, now on to the mountain caves...

I think it a good plan to keep the balance in your life just now. Still have your own things going on and 'date' your W for a little while. Nine nights out of thirteen is a lot of intimacy and that may be a little faster than one or both of you can handle perhaps?

I'm sure things will improve again as your W very much seems willing to invest in your R now. But it's not going to be without lumps and bumps for sure. I know you'll do just fine whatever the ultimate outcome.

Take care x

[HeavyD]

Good luck Caliguy!

I am sorry that the road is still a little bumpy but you can do this.

You are such an inspiration!

Heavy

[HeavyD]

Good luck Caliguy!

I am sorry that the road is still a little bumpy but you can do this.

You are such an inspiration!

Heavy

[CaliGuy]

Thank you Toots and Heavy.

Phone has been pretty dark today given the tiff, I basically have been slow here at work ... since we have tomorrow off today is like friday and well ... everyone is basically checked out looking forward to the weekend. W did stop by early this morning to grab some paperwork she needed me to print out for her (New job stuff) I walked it out to her and told her I had to get back inside, she did not look well and seemed upset wanting to talk but I could'nt ... I think it was actually good I didn't I was still kind of grumpy about it this morning.

I spent the day reading, just enjoying the 'lax' day and not thinking about W ... who is detached .. who's a good boy? So W calls, wants to talk about this morning. So we discuss it, she was bothered by my "let me know what you want to do .. we can work this out or divorce line" as she feels she has been working on it ... to which I agreed to a point, I also expressed to her that I know nothing is going to be fixed overnight and I would remain patient. However .. (yes you knew there would be a however) I told her the past few days I have felt there was a push back, I felt that I and the marriage have not been a priority and it felt as if things were drifting back to that old M, the very one I have said numerous times I would not go back to. I pointed out that she said "I am this way and you are that way" basically letting me know things would not change, I even flipped it .. she needs me to be open and listen, be there emotionally, told her I am happy to work and fill those needs but it would not be one sided as it has been .. made some examples and expressed if we continued we would wind right back to where the marriage was open for another A as if one or both spouses needs are not being met they will look elsewhere for the fix. She reminded me that she promised she would never do that again and I told her I believed her, but told her its not about the A at this point .. its how we wound up where we did .. we have to fix that. She then shared that the A did not fill her need, and I told her I agreed it didn't and compared it to putting a band-aid on a cancer patient .... she they might feel better for a day or two but that did not treat the true illness, the A was the band aide and we need to focus on the cancer.

I was very calm and expressed I realize she has been trying, she has alot going on. We talked about the vacation (she brought it up) I have been planning .. (I have been planning this with or without her going.... still am going to take S, if she goes she goes, if not it will still be fun .... wonder where I learned this approach>?) She still wants to go, said she was very excited about it.
Then we talked about her job search. She has worked corporate her whole life, lately she expressed she wanted to get out of that world, into something low key .. I STFU and listen, either way her life and her choice. The past week this seems to have 180'd as the corp world has been contacting her here and there. She seems interested in two in particular .. both well out of the area, talking 1 hour commutes. She asked me point blank if I would be upset if she decided to take one of these jobs, I told her its her choice, whatever she decided to do I would support. We talked about it and she pressed me, I did share my concerns ... she would be gone all week, no time for S, me, or our family. She also would not have time for herself .... talking she would leave at 7 and probably not home till 7-8 ... leaves me with S which I am ok with, but I worry about her moods when she gets home. The little hurt boy worries about all that commute time and possible opportunities to talk with OMs but *shrug* she does that she knows Cali2.0 is adios. Bottom line .. not wasting energy on the what ifs ... she takes what she takes, works where she will and time will tell if I am ok with the arrangements and I will cross that bridge then, not now when it has not been built yet.

So talk went ok, she is trying and making a good solid effort ... even though she does seem to test my deal-breakers. I do think the talk gave her a 'eureka' moment when she realized my LL is not purely about sex and never has been. Going to order a couple books .. SSM being one of them.

[AJM]

I understand there will be up and down days .. today is a down ... So we will see what tomorrow brings

Do you? I mean, on one level you do. On another I'm not as sure. But this line above reminds me about perspective. i.e. the bigger picture. The overall and not the today or tomorrow.

Something to think about. As if you didn't have enough, right?

Something I see in your posts, neither good nor bad really. You seem more sure of yourself and what you want. And what you're willing to do to get them. I take that back - that's a good thing when applied appropriately. But it is also likely something she has never had to deal with for a very long time, no? I suspect there are some "old" world things that have to be overcome. Those things take time and patience to "stick" if you know what I mean. For example, you clearly state what you're willing to do and follow that up with action. Be careful with what you say as you'll have to follow that up by the way. But those things are important to you and therefore important to the relationship. Don't get drunk with the power of the new you, but rather judiciously express your needs, wants, desires etc.

I say that because it would be easy to overdo it and become a tyrant of sorts. If you stick to what is important to you, Cali 2.0, I think you'll find that things will work better for all concerned. I also think she'll challenge those things. She did in the past and it's not likely she will change that overnight. She will make changes as will you though. That's how it works.

Glad you were honest with her even with things you likely knew she didn't want to hear. That's kind of new for you two, right?

Given time, she'll adjust to the consistency of your expressions of needs and wants, just as you'll do for her.

Be patient and see the bigger picture vs. the day to day, amigo.

Peace,
AJ

[mleigh4]

I have some questions for you. Imagine that! Did reutroville touch on MLC or only deal with typical marriage problems? Just asking because MLC goes way deeper than the typical "communication" issues in marriage. And, is the homework every night?

You have been separated for 2 years. During that time, did you guys spend much time together other than the back and forth with son?

The reason I am asking is because it seems you have gone from doing your own thing, your GAL "me time" to spending every night with W, usually at her request. Could there be a little emotional overload going on? I want you both so so much to end up happily ever after. Believe me, I am a hopeless romantic, H didn't ruin that for me!

I just worry that changes in your routine are happening a little fast. It's important you still have your own life and ease into these changes. You really enjoyed your rides on the bike, spending time with buddies, even alone time with S. Are you still doing that?