Loving your posts, it sounds great. I envy the way you guys open up and talk. It's something H and I have always struggled with. I can't tell you how many times I would tell a BFF something about how I felt, and they would say, have you told H this? The answer was always no. Did you and W always communicate like this? Or are these new skills?
Keep up the good work. Your faith, calmness and honesty are a true inspiration for me.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Loving your posts, it sounds great. I envy the way you guys open up and talk. It's something H and I have always struggled with. I can't tell you how many times I would tell a BFF something about how I felt, and they would say, have you told H this? The answer was always no. Did you and W always communicate like this? Or are these new skills?
Keep up the good work. Your faith, calmness and honesty are a true inspiration for me.
Funny you mention that. We had always been able to chit chat ... often during long drives there is no radio and we just talk. However ... the touchy subjects ... no. Not without walls/defenses. This has been the change, I am not certain what changed there, maybe its me listening better .. maybe its her trying harder .. what ever it is we have been able to talk openly about some things as of late.
And Thank you both Mighty and mleigh... for the kind words
Ok .. journaling ... and this one is not going to be easy for me, I am going to open up to a very touchy subject.
Last night, went over to W's, we ate dinner and watched a movie. She fell asleep, its the typical trend, she will pass out around 8:30 go to bed and maybe wake up at 1-2 watch shows on the iPad... then back to sleep for an hour or two. I bounce inbetween thinking its adorable she feels safe and comfortable with me, to frustrated that she is not excited I am there. So I put S to bed, walk the dog .. then grab her to get her to come to bed.
She asks if I am ok, rather than lie and say fine (Old Cali) I let her know I am frustrated we have not done our 'homework' from Retrouvaille, she quickly snaps awake and offers to do it right there and now, I told her I did not want to as we both now are tired, but somehow we need to make it more of a priority ... in my mind .. if we do not do the work things are not going to improve. She got a bit defensive but I told her WE again .. that we both needed to make it more of a priority. So after this she was awake, I think worried I was upset .. we did some pillow talk, cuddled and started the heavy petting session some. Things were going fine and all the sudden like a freight train I thought about OM, and all the comparisons. I could not shake it so I ended it.
During her A, when she would hit Monster, she would tell me some pretty cruel things. Sure I had the spew jacket but those certain things stuck and I am really struggling with them. Maybe getting them out here ... in some way releases a few. So OM owned a gym, evidently he was Mr Fun, fit and in shape, according to W in Monster mode was very good in bed and informed me I was horrible, also let me know he was very endowed. So I found myself in bed with my wife everything was getting heated and wham ... all these emotions, feelings, doubts, insecurities. It hit me, I have zero confidence in bed with her .. none. Knowing the best sex she has ever had in her life was with OM is a tough pill to swallow.
So I shut down. W asked what was wrong, what she did .... I told her I was having an issue with it. We talked some .. openly. She told me I need to make it more fun. I realized .. yeah I do need to do that .. but also let her know its pretty difficult with OM right there. She assured me she was not comparing, was not thinking about that .... yeah .. that's on my end .. I get that but its there and something I needed to deal with. I also shared how this setback worried me as this area we always had struggled and its important to me, she stunned me with her reply saying ... we already had a sexless marriage and we both seen where that got us implying she did not want to go back to that either. Leading into a talk about how we need to be more open in talking about sex.
She asked me about the std, I told her it really was not on my mind at the moment ... but it was a factor in all this. I shared that if we save the M I can just accept its part of the baggage in a way (she did not think I can .. thinks emotions will come up very big later) ... my fear is if we work at this and she decides not to commit then not only do I get to deal with the D, I also get the 'parting gift' .... this did not go over well ... but its how I feel.
She then shared something ... I thought about MLC a bit here .. she said she did not feel comfortable with certain things with me during sex and she did not know why. I asked if she felt comfortable doing them with OM ... not thinking .. well of course she did otherwise she would not have said "in front of you" So again a little defensive but I realized its the MLC authority figure .. like she is doing something naughty in front of her Dad ... her issue to address I suppose.
So now I need to figure out how to regain some confidence, especially in the bedroom knowing its a turn off to be that way. No idea where to start ... might have to hit up serious therapy for this one. I am in between medical insurances at the moment ... I need to relax and take the pressure off .. but this one will be a big hurdle.
"officially in piecing" I am not moving from this area in the forum ... lol .. call me superstitious ... but yeah .. this morning I though .. ok .. THIS will be work but I do feel we are going about it the right way .... no elephants in the room as we are addressing everything.
Hi CaliGuy, How does one know that they are in piecing? I think my H and I are but not sure. It looks like you and your W are. Any criteria so I would also apply in my sitch? Thanks.
Me: 36 H: 37 T:11 M:9 S9 D3 M - 11/2005 H not in love with me anymore- 2/2015 D mentioned - 2/2015 H wants to save M - 6/2015
Just reading your post. Yes, that would be hard and I honor your truthfulness in the situation. My suggestion is to just give it time, try to be more in the moment and let nature takes it's course.
As we both know, marriages are not just about sex, yes, it's a big part but emotion is a really big part too. I view this as a positive as you were both able to talk about it.
Have you ever bought MWD's SSM book? I know, I know...effing more books! The SSM book may address some of the issues you've raised in the post about intimacy and sex.
I'm so pleased to read about how things are going. I think of your sitch to give me a little hope in my presently hopeless-seeming sitch. I know you have truly been through the wringer and your sitch has been longer than mine.
WRT the intimacy. It's clearly a big area for you guys and it's great that you've agreed neither of you wants a sexless M. I've also read that sexual intimacy can take a little while to return and maybe it's good to just take your time there and let intimacy generally rebuild. Talk about it some more, share your feelings about what has happened, the flashbacks you feel and so on....
If you guys carry on as you are, I bet there will be a point where you just feel ready to ML. I think the honesty is so important and I think you're doing so well facing these important things together.
I'm rooting for you guys!! T xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi Luke. So, lots of stuff happening, yea? So glad the retreat weekend went well. As I said, you are right there so you needed to decide what was best regarding whether to go or not.
Happy it gave you tools for comunicating. That really was my hope for you.
So, just a couple things I want to put out there, if I may. I don't like labels. Never have. Dont like the lbs one because I wasn't left behind. . I know they have their place as points of reference though. But I dont think I would think in terms of piecing. That just sets you up to fail, in my opinion. I think you should continue on your path and see where it leads you. You are building some great roads with your wife. The hope is that these roads lead to a a strong foundation and a new relationship if that's what you want.
I think that your renewed faith and all your inner work allowed you to really hear what you needed to during that weekend. Had you not had all of that, it would have been a different outcome.
Keep going, Luke. Keep learning and growing. Try to remember that her crisis was a deep one. She needs to figure out what brought her to it.
She asks if I am ok, rather than lie and say fine (Old Cali) I let her know I am frustrated we have not done our 'homework' from Retrouvaille, she quickly snaps awake and offers to do it right there and now...
Ok, I'm gonna be honest here Cali. I'm all about being true to ourselves and speaking our mind with our spouse, especially once we've made it to the point you're at now. But do you see how the timing in this may have been an issue... telling her when she's asleep?
Patience my friend. You will get there!
No problem, I know you'll do better next time. BTW, Michele talks about timing when bringing up these BIG issues in SSM!
Quote:
During her A, when she would hit Monster, she would tell me some pretty cruel things. Sure I had the spew jacket but those certain things stuck and I am really struggling with them. Maybe getting them out here ... in some way releases a few. So OM owned a gym, evidently he was Mr Fun, fit and in shape, according to W in Monster mode was very good in bed and informed me I was horrible, also let me know he was very endowed.
Yet she wants back with you, and is making the effort to earn your trust and meet your needs.
The brain is the largest sex organ, (don't ask me how I know this ) and will trump technique or "endowment" every time. Seriously Cali, look at the man you have become... I'm pretty sure the finest women (like the one's here) would much rather share a bed with you, than cheater gym man any day of their life.
You KNOW you are the catch here, right? Carry On.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
. I know they have their place as points of reference though. But I dont think I would think in terms of piecing. That just sets you up to fail, in my opinion. I think you should continue on your path and see where it leads you. You are building some great roads with your wife. The hope is that these roads lead to a a strong foundation and a new relationship if that's what you want.
) and will trump technique or "endowment" every time. Seriously Cali, look at the man you have become... I'm pretty sure the finest women (like the one's here) would much rather share a bed with you, than