Met W for lunch today ... rare .. very rare thing.
I arrive on time ... as I always do ... she was a bit late, I had already ordered and was waiting patiently. She arrives and looked a wreck, I guess its a good thing that when she is stressed its on her face like war paint, easy to spot. She was on the phone with her L (work related stuff ... not M stuff) and said she would call him back later .. I think stressed that she was late for our lunch and knowing I am Mr Prompt .. I told her to go ahead and take her callit was fine, she walked back out and took the call as I ate. She came back 10 or so minutes later and filled me in on what was going on as I sucked down my STFU smoothie. Pretty much listened to her Hummingbird ADD though process for about 30 minutes, then she asked me how my day was going, I joked that it was a bit better than hers with a laugh and started telling her about something that happened ... but she had checked out ... obviously in thought about her stuff. I cut my story off, and asked her if she needed to go which she said yeah ... so I got up and we left. I was a little miffed, but shrugged it off, walked her out and gave her some print offs she asked fo rand she gave me the good ol on armed buddy hug ..... then mentioned that it was more of a 'friend hug' and I told her yeah it was ... took her paper work and put it on my car and we hugged more like a W and H should. She apologized, told me she was stressed and I told her I knew she was, and if she just wanted to talk I was there ... left it at that ... I pursued a bit but I am not going to beat myself up about it ... I think she needs me to be the rock, while she gets through this rough part of her life .. then maybe once the dust settles and she is working our M will become a bit more of a priority.
Tomorrow Post session for Retrouvaille ... early till mid day. Sunday I give my Faith story at church in front of the entire parish ... other than that I do hope to relax and enjoy life a bit, sneak in a ride somewhere which is always good therapy for me.
I think on the one hand you are acknowledging your W's efforts and appreciating she has work to do. But OTOH, you are already speculating that she may not be able to offer what you want.
I completely agree with you about not living in a sexless M. But I don't think you know yet what things would look like with your W going forwards. She hasn't become W mark 2 yet. She's W 1.25 but moving forward.
You've said that you'll use retrouvaille to learn more about yourself and hopefully this will benefit future R's. I thought that was a good perspective to have. However, you're also expressing some frustration about W not fully engaging in the POST stuff. There was always a risk that she may not be ready for the rigour of that. But I think she is trying.
l actually think she is doing pretty well, and I am rooting for her. To me, it would be a shame to have come this far and turn away from the M. I think you may need to look at your own 'stinkin thinkin' and patience here perhaps..
Also, why is there any need to think about this future decision that needs to be made. There's no need to rush that - particularly when your W is a 1.25 just now. Maybe just loose the ties a little and move forward as you have already been doing.
I think you are doing so well, and I learn a lot from your posts. Take Care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thank you for your words ... and in some respects I vent here as there is no other place for me to do so ... yes I agree no decision to be made nor have I even thought about it .... Lord knows I have a dislike for Mr Patience ... always been one of my struggles.
I do not know what W2.0 will be like, and yes I am trying to remain centered and allow this to unfold, this time last year to now ... total 180 in my sitch and I realize that ... heck I even struggle with guilt that here I am kind of frustrated while reading everyone else who would love to be where I am .... all about that perspective isn't it?
I did talk with W last night about the Post stuff, I am not upset with her... but I am a bit disappointed that after 2 days it feels like we went right back into the day to day grind, in her defense she is focused on all the fall out of losing her job, having her financials cut, getting insurance, updating resumes ... toss in what is left of the MLC fog and she can not decide if she should start her own business ....I do not agree with this .. but her choice not mine ... and I would never tell her to not chase a dream .. I just do not think its the right time with us in 2 households and she has no income as of yet. That with the health issues that continue to linger and I fear will get worse with this increased stress .. I am concerned for her and her well being so its hard to expect she has anything else for the M. And even whats left in the tank .. I am torn is that enough>? No .. I deserve better ... but that's the selfish part of me talking ... along with the past me who never felt I was in the top 5 priority category and I still don't feel that ... maybe once I do I will relax and be all in ... till now I still feel very much a LBH and watching from afar making sure not to add pressure, allowing her to get through this and be the lighthouse and rock while continuing my own journey.
Cali... I think you ARE a rock. You are human, too, so be easy on yourself. You are doing an amazing job through a tough time.
On a side note, I informed my kids at work earlier this week that my name is officially Ms. Mighty and no longer Mrs. XH.
The kids are familiar with my maiden name, as I knew most of their parents when we were kids, and it's a small town, so they know my family there.
One kid announced, "It's Ms. Mighty, 2.0!"
I smiled and thought of you.
Mighty thank you for those kind words ... lol @ the "2.0" that made me smile and warmed my heart .... I will expect my royalty check to be in the mail soon
You've hung in there this long and been through the ringer. I can't imagine that you would be gain closure by walking away before you've made the effort. And, it's not like you are going to jump into a new R where you get those needs met. Maybe the physical, but you know that will be shallow wo/ the emotional connection that comes with it. A healthy, sustainable R won't come wo that closure. Maybe you figure you can hurry that up by cutting and running, but do you really think you will be satisfied until you know that now that you and your W are making at least some attempt, that you've finished what you've started?
The intimacy and her having you jump through hoops to get your needs met is obviously a big deal for you. The first won't come quick, as you know your trust is going to take a long time to rebuild. The second is one of the things you will have to put right out on the table and insist that you can't live like that, that she will need to work on what drives her to do this via IC & MC. If she won't that at least will tell you her staying power on the road to reconciliation.
She obviously turned on the engine in the A. What was different in the R than in your's? Any clues that allow you to see a change in your pattern that sets off a change in hers?
Finally, you've had a long slog & getting to where you are now, you are looking forward and seeing the reality that another long slog lies ahead. What a let down. And all those uncertainties (can she change, can I regain my desire and love for her in a way that would allow this to be something other than a loveless/sexless M, will she have another A???). I'm not there, but that has got to be a really hard place to be in. Then every little thing she does that reminds you of how far she and the R has to go. There'd be something wrong if you weren't having big doubts and feeling sh*tty.
Good luck.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
I am concerned for her and her well being so its hard to expect she has anything else for the M. And even whats left in the tank .. I am torn is that enough>? No .. I deserve better ... but that's the selfish part of me talking ... along with the past me who never felt I was in the top 5 priority category and I still don't feel that ... maybe once I do I will relax and be all in ... till now I still feel very much a LBH and watching from afar making sure not to add pressure, allowing her to get through this and be the lighthouse and rock while continuing my own journey.
Cali, you and I both share the primary LL of PT... and have both gone a long time without. I understand firsthand how you would feel frustrated!
Does she understand just how important this is to you? That it's even a deal breaker for you?
Originally Posted By: Cali
...its hard to expect she has anything else for the M
You don't know what she has left for the M.
But you do know you have a wife who wants both you and the marriage!
OMG, why would you STFU and risk losing your one and only (ever) long term relationship? With the person you said you loved in a way that you could never love another.
If you make your "needs" known, and/or start making some moves, you'll find out quickly what she has left for the M. Start small and build slowly. You may be pleasantly surprised.
I can also tell you from firsthand experience that when your wife does step up, even in small ways, it will REALLY fuel your tank.
Don't fall into the trap of waiting until everything is perfect before beginning to have your needs met. Work with her, Cali. Allow her to work with you in her own way. I'm betting she won't let you down!
Yes, our wives are not done baking yet, but I'm of the belief that our 2.0 wives will only continue to get BETTER. They are not running or burning bridges. For some reason they are IN this crazy marriage thing with us. Go figure!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
You've hung in there this long and been through the ringer. I can't imagine that you would be gain closure by walking away before you've made the effort. And, it's not like you are going to jump into a new R where you get those needs met. Maybe the physical, but you know that will be shallow wo/ the emotional connection that comes with it. A healthy, sustainable R won't come wo that closure. Maybe you figure you can hurry that up by cutting and running, but do you really think you will be satisfied until you know that now that you and your W are making at least some attempt, that you've finished what you've started?
I may have been misunderstood here ... there are times where I question how long I can go, possibly vent about wanting off the ride .. but yeah I am well aware how far I have come, how much I have invested. At the beggining and end of each day I know I have done all I can, and I keep in mind tomorrow is another day.
Originally Posted By: asitis
The intimacy and her having you jump through hoops to get your needs met is obviously a big deal for you. The first won't come quick, as you know your trust is going to take a long time to rebuild. The second is one of the things you will have to put right out on the table and insist that you can't live like that, that she will need to work on what drives her to do this via IC & MC. If she won't that at least will tell you her staying power on the road to reconciliation.
It is, its a part of the old M. Also its something Cali 1.0 would accept, because he was a Mr Nice Guy, Cali 2.0 is not that same man, nor is he afraid to voice what he NEEDS ... not WANTS out of a relationship. Something W1.25 is quickly learning ... and to her benefit accepting and responding to.
Originally Posted By: asitis
She obviously turned on the engine in the A. What was different in the R than in your's? Any clues that allow you to see a change in your pattern that sets off a change in hers?
This topic was actually talked about this weekend, and at length this morning. Her Medical issue was in fact an issue, and one that lead to zero sex, which for me was simliar to culling off the oxygen line that fed emotional intimacy and closeness ... a few years and this took its toll, her healh started to slowly get better with the diet change ( My belief was in 2009 the lay off, plus her getting off western medical and the drugs launched her into MLC) So health wise she was gradually getting better but our sex life and intimacy suffered and did not heal as she did. Difference in the A than our R ... new-fresh start and all those brain induced chemicals that come with it to be honest, she shared even with all that there was no where close the emotional connection she felt with me.
Originally Posted By: asitis
Finally, you've had a long slog & getting to where you are now, you are looking forward and seeing the reality that another long slog lies ahead. What a let down. And all those uncertainties (can she change, can I regain my desire and love for her in a way that would allow this to be something other than a loveless/sexless M, will she have another A???). I'm not there, but that has got to be a really hard place to be in. Then every little thing she does that reminds you of how far she and the R has to go. There'd be something wrong if you weren't having big doubts and feeling sh*tty. Good luck.
I do not know if its a 'Let Down" .... I could best describe it as running the marathon we all talk about here, knowing its a marathon and not a sprint ... so as the signs point the marathon is about over, she is really close to coming out of MLC and in my head (This is my issue I realized ... what I created) ... so I am about to cross the finish line of this marathon, but no one told be I was not in a marathon ... its actually a Triathlon and I have to get ready for the swim portion of this thing. I use this image in the spirit of .. MLC being the marathon, Piecing being the Swim, and the continuing improvement and focus on my M, and family as the Bicycle portion (I love riding bikes so its not as daunting as the previous two ... but still requires energy and determination)
That's my mind set at the moment ... each stage takes energy and a different approach, its my personal race, one I could stop at any time .. .but I am a competitor and I still feel the prize at the end of it all will be worth the effort .. that prize is not my W nor my M ... its the man looking back in the mirror every morning, that's who I am doing this all for.
Cali, you and I both share the primary LL of PT... and have both gone a long time without. I understand firsthand how you would feel frustrated!
Does she understand just how important this is to you? That it's even a deal breaker for you?
Yeah, I never realized it till I read the book ... I just thought I was a horn-toad of a dude but once I read that a lightbulb went off and I discovered thats how I love and how I feel it ... my S is the same.
Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
You don't know what she has left for the M.
But you do know you have a wife who wants both you and the marriage!
OMG, why would you STFU and risk losing your one and only (ever) long term relationship? With the person you said you loved in a way that you could never love another.
If you make your "needs" known, and/or start making some moves, you'll find out quickly what she has left for the M. Start small and build slowly. You may be pleasantly surprised.
I can also tell you from firsthand experience that when your wife does step up, even in small ways, it will REALLY fuel your tank.
Don't fall into the trap of waiting until everything is perfect before beginning to have your needs met. Work with her, Cali. Allow her to work with you in her own way. I'm betting she won't let you down!
FY you are spot on here. The struggle I have noticed was the old Cali fearing the old M. The old M her and I had a hard time talking about the touchy subjects without the walls, defensiveness, hurts coming to the surface .... right now we have made HUGE strides in this. I will share more during the update ... but yeah you are right and I have asserted myself in making sure my NEEDS are known, and to her credit she has been very receptive to that. Over the weekend I decided to be a bit more aggressive in kissing and touching ... the touching she is good with, the kissing she told me she is 'not quite there yet' and I explained this is a need for me, its how I feel loved and by her pulling back I feel rejected .... she shocked me when she told me that she understood and was sorry she hurt me, and that with what she put me through I had every right to feel the way I did (Is she DB'ing me and validating???) After that talk ... Little Miss Kissy was all about it.
Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
Yes, our wives are not done baking yet, but I'm of the belief that our 2.0 wives will only continue to get BETTER. They are not running or burning bridges. For some reason they are IN this crazy marriage thing with us. Go figure!
I wholeheartedly agree ... and FY you are my role model in the art of Patience .... I have learned a TON from you in this area I have always had struggles with .. for that I thank you from the bottom of my heart my friend.
