Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
C
CaliGuy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
Looks like its time for a new thread .... amazing how many I have, I do not think I have ever listed them all so figured I would do so here .... doing this I have to admit to myself that in under 100 posts I expected to be done, have one of you brilliant people supply me with the magic potion to fix my wife ... turns out it was I who needed to do a great deal of work, and will continue to do so ... Thread Title is to remind me to push on and maintain progress and not to revert back to Cali1.0 the obsolete operating system but to know at any given time I could fly .... as can my wife.

*DisClaimer*, the Star-Wars theme and constant reference to operating system 2.0 in no way should reflect my Nerd level ... I ride a bad ass Harley for heavens sake.

1.) New guy ... My Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...148#Post2474148

2.)MLC-WAW, my storypart II
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...721#Post2479721

3.)MLC-WAW- Long Road Ahead- Help!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...788#Post2482788

4.)WAW-MLC vs LBS .... The turtle and the hare.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...201#Post2494201

5.)My MLC Zombie Apocalypse
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...572#Post2503572

6.)My MLC Zombie Apocalypse Part II
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...311#Post2507311

7.)My MLC Zombie Apocalypse Part III
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...736#Post2509736

8.)Learning to Walk Again
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...483#Post2513483

9.)Learning to Walk Again II
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...589#Post2519589

10.)Avoiding the Darkside ... Tales of the Jedi
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...559#Post2526559

11.)Jedi Journey continues
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...067#Post2534067

12.)Highway 20 Ride
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...352#Post2543352

13.)Keeping the Train on the Tracks.....
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...919#Post2550919

14.)Get married they said .. It'll be fun they said
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...834#Post2557834

15.)Mirror Mirror on the wall....
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...402#Post2565402

16.)STFU Smoothies on sale now!!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...139#Post2574139

Last edited by CaliGuy; 06/23/15 06:07 PM.

M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,922
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,922
It's like a modern version of "War and Peace." I kid, Cali! Think you are doing fantabulous and I am quietly following along with my pom poms and a cheerleading dance to "Shut Up and Dance With Me."



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
C
CaliGuy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
So update/journal time

As the last thread I noted W has seemed to wake a bit .. even more so over the past 2-3 weeks, clarity has arrived, she shared with me she struggles with admitting she had an A, does not even like us to refer it to as such but has yet come up with a better name for it.

We went through Retrovaille, quite an eye opener and W seems very determined to fix the damage, heal our marriage and our family .... not to allow her to take the brunt of this I have openly taken my share of the blame, things I did to contribute to the misery we were in ... there is a new sense of looking at the long hard path before us but doing this together ... slowly, knowing she is a bit behind me with the work that is required to be done ... but I do see her trying.

So to sum up quickly a few things that I have found different with her and the MLC ... she has admitted to me the A was wrong, apologized for the lies and deceit, she even asked for my forgiveness and openly has shared she wants to regain my trust acknowledging this may take years.

Seems in a strange way, unconsciously I test this ^^^ I realize it after, she has made the effort to understand even if it upsets her. Thursday night she had me over ... just her and I as Jake was gone, Sat/Sunday same small bed though she could have opted to sleep seperate.

This brings us to last night. I sat at work and thought about things said over the weekend, one of the things she said at the time I understood, but giving it more thought it upset me and I realized it was something Cali 1.0 would have accepted ... But Cali 2.0 has more self respect, and will not allow this type of thing. Its a struggle at times between 1.0 and 2.0 with the 'grey' areas .... this was one, so I happened to grab her phone, looked through it some this set her off, she felt disrespected and I went to the "Why are you hiding something?" (Little unconscious/conscious sabotage on my part .... but there is a OM2 in the friend zone I needed clarification on as there are parallels with OM1) This opened up the discussion ... W was upset but showed me she was not hiding anything however there were no TM with OM2 which after all this I find strange, she tells me they talk but admitted 3 weeks or so she deleted almost all texts knowing she wanted to see my phone and would have to give up hers.

Typically ... this ^^^^ would be a blow up, not that it was'nt .. she was mad as was I ... I took a time out and walked the dog as she made dinner for S, I came back thinking about leaving and going home, she told me she did not want me to leave, we calmed a bit but still tense and frustrated. She came out to the balcony where I was reading, expressed she can understand why I have issues with OM2 and would feel the same way, but is concerned I want her to not have friends (old M mistake I made once) ... I expressed I don't but am concerend OM2 could be providing needs that as a husband I feel I should be providing, and that it is a slippery slope between friends and EA .... for the first time in a long time we sat and talked, upset yes but feelings were shared with little judgement.

We decided to let it go for now, spent some time with S, he was ready for bed, she was reading to him and I told them both goodnight, grabbed my helmet to ride home, W grabbed my hand and told me she thought I was staying the night ... shocked me as we basically just had a fight ... she told me there is alot of things we need to work out but assured me she was trying, pulled me to stay. I was pretty taken with this ... all 3 of us laid on the bed, read the book with S, I calmed down and really enjoyed the family time.

Woke early .. walked the dog .. went to leave as W offered breakfast .. I was short on time and had to get going. W came to say goodbye ... I was still a bit upset over the night .. she hugged me, kissed me, asked me to please stop analyzing so much and told me "I love you, I'm sorry, I understand your feelings and I want to fix this"

Almost 2 years IDLY to ILY ... was nice to hear, I played the poker face, hugged her back and told her to have a nice day. As I rode home, I did allow myself to crack a smile, appreciating those words I was not sure I would ever sincerely hear from her again ... but knowing we have a ton of work to still do.

She is still out of work, finances are starting to be an issue, along with her medical issues (Stress absolutely has a huge effect on her) I am doing ok but paying for things we would normally split, her car sounds like it might need repair ... I am accepting this is going to add pressure, concerned she might break a bit ... hoping it does not send her back in a tunnel.

My challenge is to keep in mind she is still processing, not to get to crazy with her progress, but also to keep in mind my 180's that have really brought her close the past month which is to be emotionally available, contain the anger and frustration ,sometimes tough with the cycling feelings from the A ... getting better as I am focused in this area currently. And to share my feelings ... something she shared over the weekend that I never have done, Retrouvaille and the assignments we have will help here though last nights talk was not good .. we did give each other a pass and will attempt it again tonight.

So that's up to date for me ... as I continue this walk


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
C
CaliGuy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
Originally Posted By: Georgiabelle
It's like a modern version of "War and Peace." I kid, Cali! Think you are doing fantabulous and I am quietly following along with my pom poms and a cheerleading dance to "Shut Up and Dance With Me."


lol .. Thanks GB .. but not for THAT song in my head ... UGH ... catchy lil umber that one is. laugh


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,119
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,119
You are doing the hard work. While my MLC W hasn't (to the best of my knowledge, and yes I snooped enough to not just have faith) hasn't had A, I recently re-read the A chapter in DR, as it does shed light on the undermining of trust and the difficult process of rebuilding it. While you probably shouldn't show her this chapter, boning up on it and having some of the here's why she needs to deal with your need to verify and her need to deal with being open even though it is not fun might be helpful to put in the tool box.

If she seems to be coming out of MLC, and willing to work, then you can put it to her that you want a strong, loving, healthy M for all of us and that this will take hard work on both your parts, and that you think both of you are worth that. You probably already have, but I want to stress you stressing the both of you are worth that discomfort and work.

As for taking the blame, what keeps coming up is that MLCs never fully own up to their sh*t and that we LBSs will never get the satisfaction we would like, so you manning up and just biting the bullet was great IMHO. It always takes two to tango, but sometimes one partner does not dance as well as the other. It is no skin off your back (other than a bit of ego bruising to eat crow) say what will help move the M forward rather than trying to be right. So bravo!

Good luck. We'll all be cheering for you.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
Cali,

Saw this post in BW's thread (I think) and wondered how you are doing in this regard.

Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
Yeah .. its frustrating, it truly is. We can not control the WAS, can not snap them out of it ... in a way they are ahead of us as they have detached long before BD or leaving. The thing that killed me was the changes, I made em and she like you said couldn't see them ... truth is, she seen them but never trusted they were real nor would they stick. Even now .. 2 years after my W is still gun shy over the anger issue, an issue I constantly must work on.


How are you handling the anger issue? What changes have you made in this regard? Trying to keep you on alert and mindful of this potential pitfall of yours.

I am not saying that you can't ever get angry again...just how you present and/or express yourself during those moments.




Last edited by Wonka; 06/23/15 10:56 PM.
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
C
CaliGuy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Cali,

Saw this post in BW's thread (I think) and wondered how you are doing in this regard.

Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
Yeah .. its frustrating, it truly is. We can not control the WAS, can not snap them out of it ... in a way they are ahead of us as they have detached long before BD or leaving. The thing that killed me was the changes, I made em and she like you said couldn't see them ... truth is, she seen them but never trusted they were real nor would they stick. Even now .. 2 years after my W is still gun shy over the anger issue, an issue I constantly must work on.


How are you handling the anger issue? What changes have you made in this regard? Trying to keep you on alert and mindful of this potential pitfall of yours.

I am not saying that you can't ever get angry again...just how you present and/or express yourself during those moments.


We discussed it, and honestly with the Retrouvaille weekend I have been able to communicate this part better even on the touchy subjects.

Some of it was her misperception, she is extremely sensitive to it, but she shared that I have made tremendous changes, in 3 big areas, Listening (STFU Smoothies), sharing my feelings (Easier when I write them and do not get interrupted by her) And the anger ... I may get frustrated ... but hiding buttons, understanding she was purposely trying to get me to take bait ... HUGE so I seldom blow up like I did when I just had zero understanding of the MLC she was in.

The fact she is actually .. dare I say happy ... does not hurt. I am typically a happy positive person, however that German blood in me ... takes a bit to get me to that point .. when I am mad .. its mad for three days .. well used to be that way. I read NMMNG and realized I was upset for not having my needs met .. expecting her to fill them though I never stated what I needed from her. Not really fair .... learned alot about myself in the past 2 years

Finding my faith has helped tremendously aswell. I am not constantly on edge now .. was like I was a walking pressure cooker and could only handle a few more issues then I would blow .. now I feel like an empty crockpot ... easy bake, no pressure .. simpler

So now ... as of late the boundaries were the first step, not letting her at the buttons, more at peace with me and who I am, faith, and just the fact I am not that man any more. Sure there will be times I am going to be upset ... but I have learned the hard lesson that blowing up causes more damage than what I am upset about. I shared that I want my W to feel safe with me, sure I am upset about the A and what she did ... but we will work through it .. I am better at expressing myself now.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
A
AJM Offline
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
{quote]hoping it does not send her back in a tunnel. [/quote]Yeah, I'd say you are more comfortable with you and who you are. I think that makes a big difference as does the distance you had because now it's easier for you both to see. Funny that.

I also think the above is something that can make or break. Think of it this way, "what doesn't break me, makes me stronger"

Seems a lot more to work out, yeah? Lots of layers to peel back and work through. That says that time is what's needed. At least to me.

And work. Don't let up, amigo.

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
C
CaliGuy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
I agree AJ

I think it's one of those changes that she will have to learn to trust over time, add in the ashame factor, she doesn't want me angry with her as she comes to grips with all of what happened. I feel in my gut it's like you went out and wrecked the family car and your terrified of what your father is going to do... Running away is a serious option type thing ... Hope that makes sense.

My frustrations were at an all time high pre and post BD, hated my job and felt I was stuck as W bounced from job to job ( I blamed her but looking at it, it was fear Of leaving a 17 year position... Not on her) I lost my father ( again not her fault but she often pulled the "you're just like your father card during monster before I knew what monster was) add in me being Mr Nice Guy and not knowing how to state my needs which lead to frustration and empty internet searching resulting in even more distance

So I think now I've arrived at a much healthier, stronger place and am still ok just being me as she and I attempt to work at this and accept the new versions of each other. I'm noticing small changes in her that seem to be things that have stuck, and she is continuing to be surprised when I'm not upset over the little things that used to set me off

Slow and steady ... Continuing improvement for me


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,119
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,119
Cali,

Has W been in IC? If so, has she explored her fear of anger issue there? I ask because my W is terrified that I will get explosively angry, even though I never have. I have had anger issues, but it was more a quick trigger of irritability, pushing away, or even a subtle put down. Not good, but...

Her father while generally very mild-mannered would occasionally go off into uncontrolled rages where he would spew all kinds of nastiness. This terrified my W and her sister & mother into walking on eggshells, being overly attentive to his needs, and not making their own needs known clearly. My W still doesn't trust me despite a lot of progress on my anger issues, but it is in part because of her issues with her father and fear of any signs of anger being a sign of impending explosions. No matter what I do, until she comes to grips with that, there will be issues of trust.

Just raising a possibility that you look at her family of origin for anger issues that may be part of the issue.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard