What do I do?

[Sad in WI]

Hello Everyone! It has been some time since I have been regularly posted here. Me I am 40 W is 38, S is 13 and has Asbergers Syndrome and I have a D9. We have been together 18 years.

Previously we were having marital problems that stemmed from my career and the fact she was basically raising the kids on her own. I read the DB/DR books and now am the primary care giver for my family due to the wife's schedule.

S13 was diagnosed with Asbergers about a year ago. W has started drinking more to the point where she is now a self described alcoholic. She started see a counselor and attend AA meetings and has now been doing so for a couple of months.

S13 was using her IPad and came across some messages from OM, when I asked her about it she told me he was a member of the AA group and that they were only friends. W's schedule has now changed so attending the same AA meetings with the OM now is not convenient (used to go from work to AA meetings and then home).

The confusing part is that we are doing more as a family and that things between us have become calm. Money used to be a huge push button issue and we have been able to talk about it without raising our voices. She has also been more affectionate and we are still regularly intimate. She has asked me to do more activities with her and wants me to start working out with her.

Fast forward to Monday she is home and drunk. Focus at that point is to get dinner done, get the house in order and talk with the kids. S13 then decides to snoop and reads some emails between OM and her. He then decides to read them aloud which state, "I miss you and want you in my arms."

Will not allow my kids to get involved with this or anything between me and her so I take the IPad turn it off and tell him I sent them to her.

We then were up early today and I confronted her about this. Totally denied it all. Would not let me look at her email. Eventually told me she was unhappy at home so she started to drink and then started texting him because she has no one else to talk to. Told me she does dumb stuff when she drinks.

Asked her when was the last time she saw OM and told me weeks ago, but she seems to email him when she is loaded. It seems to be more of an emotional affair than physical, but honestly I don't know.

When we first were having issues it was easy to put my effort into being the best dad that I could be in the event that were would go our separate ways. Right now I understand that I still have to do this with the kids, but the white elephant in the room is the OM.

I thought about leaving, but I am a bit concerned with the affect that would have on my S13. Kids who have Asperger's syndrome do not handle change well. I left for a short walk yesterday and he had a major temper tantrum, destroyed his room and I had to calm him down.

Right now there is no talk of stopping communication with OM. We are supposed to be going away this weekend for a family wedding, but right now this is the last thing I want to do.

I have re-read the topics here on affairs and don't know what to do. For now it feels like a punch in the gut. This is the first suspected affair. We left this morning and I gave her a hug. The thought of doing anything else made me sick to my stomach. I just don't know what to do.

[MrBond]

Sorry to see you back here. After going through your last thread, it didn't look like much has changed.

When things started getting better, did you ever see a C together?

I can't stress enough that I've never seen any R here heal unless there was some type of C involved.

[Sad in WI]

We were seeing a C and then never went back after having to cancel an appointment. We are actively involved in therapy for S13.

She is now seeing a C for her alcoholism. I have read Sand's LBH posts regarding the WW. I know right now it seems like there is no hope, but I need to do the following:

1) Keep being the best dad I can be for the kids despite how miserable I feel.

2) Keep telling myself that although I may feel like sh"t I am still a great dad and person. W's A was not because of me and it does no good to either snoop or try to figure out why she cheated.

[MrBond]

Actually I see a lot of hope. But you need to see a C for yourself. How long were both of you going to C before you stopped?

[Sad in WI]

A good six months. I am going to Al-Anon to try and understand the alcoholism.

I really don't see the hope the W tells me she is not happy in the M. But she then wants me to spend more time with me.

I realized some time ago that I needed to make an effort to do more activities she likes. When I did them we actually had a good time (I thought).

We are supposed to work out tonight, told her this morning that I cannot afford another fee and she told me she would take care of it.

One of my goals is to get better in shape and she is in real good shape. Although I figured I could attend this with her and focus on the trainer and not her.

[MrBond]

Are you still intimate with her?

[Sad in WI]

Up until yesterday. Today she gave me a hug.

[Sad in WI]

Wife texted me this afternoon and asked if I wanted to talk. Told her that I did not think this was a good idea right now. We then texted over Facebook.

In short w does not want to talk about the a. Told her that I have no intention of being third fiddle. Wants to roll the A under the carpet. Told me that she has been faking having a good time and that she has not been physical with OM. I replied that an EA is just as bad, but I don't think she understands that concept. Becomes hysterical when I say that I think I need to leave. Given my S13 aspergers I told him I would be going to Dallas for a few days. In reality I am staying at my grandmas house for a few days.

W tells me that she doesn't want to break up the home. She throws out a series of suggestions and gets mad when I tell her that I think I will be taking a timeout.

Conversation ends their and we have not spoken again today. It is killing me not being at home I miss the kids so much.

[Sad in WI]

Stayed the night at my grandma's house. That sucked I have never felt so alone without the kids. W has brought the possibility of a MC, but at this time I don't know if this is an attempt to get me back in the house.

Here is my predicament: as I have said my S13 has aspergers and does not handle change. Before this things in the house have been so calm that he has really been excelling and wanting to do more socially - this is a big step for him.

I really don't want to come back to the house right now because it seems that W is giving lip service to get me back home. I can be gone a few more days before S13 realizes that I am not on a business trip.

I just don't know what to do. I am not being a great dad by being away, but being under the same roof with W will drive me nuts.

If she asks me to go home I want to make it conditional and here are my requests:

1. End the EA with the OM,
2. Find a new AA group or agree to go inpatient for the drinking; and
3. Agree to go to a MC.

[MrBond]

Those are good boundaries. You have to be sure she sticks with them though along with consequences. A written marriage contract between you would be great.