well, friends. I made a solid effort to DB my marriage. But as I realize what's happened, it's clear there wasn't much of a chance. My STBX is dating a woman he has worked with for a number of years. Their friendship always seemed a bit inappropriate to me; he was always defensive about it. While I am fairly confident there was no PA while we were together, he certainly had feelings for her. My M never had a chance.
I'm still very much grieving, even though there was so much wrong in our relationship, even before we got married. But I wanted to share a recent exchange we had, subject line: Thanks. I tried to respond easy-breezy. What do you think?
H: "Claire, thank you for all the work and thought and care you put into making [the costume] special for D4's [special class event]. I love the way it looks, and I know you made all of that happen. As father's day approaches, it's important to acknowledge and re-affirm that regardless of our relationship, D4 has a phenomenal support system, and especially that her mother is a standout in so many ways.
My response: Thanks for this kind note. Yes, D4 and I had a great time making that costume! Who knew I was so crafty!
Over the past 18 months, he's told me that he admires how I've handled myself, has called me brave, told me I was 'his savior' when I helped with childcare during a family emergency, and apparently I am a "standout" in many ways. And yet, not once has he reconsidered his decision or been willing to attempt to work on our marriage.
What.a.fool.
So, I'm moving over here because there is just not much to discuss for me at newcomers, and I don't feel ready to be a great support for anyone else. Looking forward to hearing some inspiration from the folks on this board. Thanks.
Welcome to our board Claire! FWIW - I think your response back to him is fine. Short to the point and positive. It also sounds to me like you are on a solid path to recovery.
Hi Claire, the reality is that you and he are in a different relationship now and your main priority is co-parenting. He's obviously, at least verbally, making an effort to make that work. Kudo's to him. Your response was fine...you did good Good luck with it.
Great job with the reply. And I have to chime in with Wii and BA on the positive nature of his affirmation of you as her mom. I can tell you that it really *does* help things, particularly from your D's perspective - short and long term.
Kudos!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Thanks for the warm welcome and encouragement. Acceptance of this new reality is still an on-going process for me. I still, often, find myself thinking, "How is this my life?" It still feels surreal. The newest development-- that my H had feelings for this woman, likely for years, and always denied it and got defensive, even though I was always uncomfortable with their friendship, is gnawing at me more than I'd like. It feels like another layer of betrayal. But I know I will get past that, too.
I'm trying to rehearse how I will respond when he finally tells me about their relationship. (He's told me he's dating, but hasn't told me who). I want to respond in a way that allows me to keep my dignity and take the high road. But the fact that this is someone he's known for years, and someone that I always suspected he had feelings for, makes it tough. I'm not sure I can pull off the 'easy-breezy' response. I don't want to give him any reason to roll his eyes at me or smirk and feel superior.
I am working so hard to be a better person-- it's showing in other areas of my life, and I am grateful for my support system, in particular this one. Thanks.
I thought your response to your h was perfect and I was impressed that he sent that message to you. While I understand you don't want a D, his message to you seems authentic. He recognizes and respects what a wonderful mother you are. That is awesome:)
Can I play devil's advocate for a minute? While I understand trying to work through your thoughts on who your H is dating, does it really matter? Yes, someone is going to say, "Phooey! Clare was uncomfortable with this R for years." Maybe. I get that. However, he may never make a grand proclamation of who he is dating. He may recognize that you had suspicions and that *announcing* this would appear a certain way. I'm babbling. Sorry. I guess my point is that you are correct. Sometimes we can DB until we have become a saint in Giselle Bundchen's body and the end result will be the same. I don't think your M never had a chance because of his *feelings* for his coworker. I think it may be that there is someone who is a better fit for you and perhaps him.
I think it is wonderful that you have worked so hard to address issues that have hindered you in many aspects of life. I know you said you were depressed for a while and it sounds like you are on the right track. You seem like a great lady and a fantastic mother. I have no doubt that you can be in a great R one day, when you choose to entertain that thought.
Don't worry about him smirking or feeling superior. If he chooses to announce to you who he is dating, you can simply shrug or smile and nod. If she seems like a decent lady, then that is more than sufficient. And then, keep moving forward.
Hang in there:)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Wanted to give myself a shout out: there was a heated conflict during a staff meeting at work : some people on the attack, others on defensive. Claire tried to validate concerns and get to the root of the issue. I calmed folks down and diffused what had started to become a yelling match. Several people thanked me and told me they were inpressed.
I've learned so so much from y'all.
GB: you make a really great point. At this point, things are what they are and I can choose to accept it or continue to stew. No contest.
Good luck with it.