Thank you Zelda, I think I am prepared for what the possibility of serious talk may mean. I'm trying not to second guess and just go into the conversation "as if". I am at a point where I'm getting used to being alone. I will use your suggestions above. Preparing for what I don't want to hear. Will keep very calm (on the outside).
Thank you for the suggestion. I do have a girlfriend who I can debrief with. Not sure when the"talk" will take place, but I will prepare for a couple of different scenarios. This morning as I was in between the state of being asleep and awake, I had a dream that my phone rang. I picked it up and said " hello" and I heard my husband's voice say "goodbye". Then I woke up. I've been thinking about it the whole day.
I am reading your story and see many similarities with mine.You are so wise and strong and able to articulate your feelings. I am so sorry you are going through this.
Dreams are the worst sometimes. But I believe they show us what our subconscious knows better. Too bad they are so emotionally hard hitting.
Lol grateful, I'm not wise. Far from it. I've spent too much time in my head instead of my gut and my heart. The times I should have been in my head, I was in my heart!
If your sitch is truly like mine in the big ways - the toxic behaviors/abuse/caretaker/savior stuff, I promise, the gold turns to green tarnish when the sympathetic reactions in you cease, when the chemicals in your brain get through the withdrawal phase and you can finally start making peace with the difference between reality and the love and hopes, in us, that coated it for a while.
I do know all of us here get stronger as we keep the focus on our growth, and let go of the outcome! What are you doing to GAL right now or make yourself happy?
Every sitch is different. I'm thinking of you hoping your big talk goes well and you are well supported the next day!
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
Thank you so much for your concern. I'm sorry I haven't been online this week. I've been getting my d25 ready to live overseas for a year. Lots to do to make sure she is ready for that commitment.
Wow, I've also been trying to catch up on your sitch. I can say that there are elements of your sitch in mine but not quite to that severity. I truly feel for you. I have lived through so much drama and chaos especially when my H wasn't feeling the center of attention or wasn't getting his way. Many days, months of not being talked to, made to feel like it is all your fault, etc. it hurts and I'm still not sure how to handle it. It sounds like you are doing way more searching than I am. I know that will be my next step. I've just not been able to go there yet emotionally.
As far as the "serious talk" my H finally called after a week, the night b4 our d left for Overseas. It was a very cordial talk, not serious at all, just what I was doing for our d to get her ready. Then he called the next day to make sure she got on her flight, etc.talked a bit about his job and all his traveling. To me it seemed like he is trying to sound very busy (which he is) and not bothered by anything. I guess he was acting "as if", maybe he is DBing-LOL. Not one word about our R. I let it go and decided I would not be the one to bring anything up. Consequently, we are now on our 9th month of separation.
Our S said the other day that he thinks his dad sounds very sad every time he talks to him. I think we are all sad to tell you the truth.
Thank you again for your posts, your words of wisdom, your authenticity. I know the serious talk will have to happen at some point. I've got to do the deep dive here soon to start doing additional work on myself. To try to figure out who I am and what I want. For right now, I'm living in the moment, not making any big decisions.
I will continue to read your posts and pray that you find some peace and serenity. And, contrary to what you believe, you are wise!
I need some advice. I would appreciate any feedback.
This is a long complicated story and part of my marital issues. I'm going to try to give you a shortened version.
My H and I are not the same religion. When we got married I agreed to raise our children his religion but I said that I would always honor whatever choice our children made as far as what they wanted to practice.
And I kept my word I did not interfere when they were children but my H was not really around much and wasn't really diligent about religious practices. We celebrated both holidays but always told the kids they were their dad's religion.
As of today, my kids do not feel they are practicing any religion. They are both very open to all practices. My D met a young man who is not her dad's religion and has been seeing him for several months. He does not live in the U.S. So she decided to go to his country to try to find a job and to see if they could have anything together.
I have been encouraging my D to tell her dad about the R and be honest with her dad. She has been reluctant waiting for the right time.
She told her dad about the move but said it was for a job.since she moved, my H has called me 3 times asking questions about who she was staying with, about work visas, etc. today I told my D she has to tell her dad the real reason she moved because it was the right thing to do and because she would feel terrible if he found out from someone other than her.
So she texted him (because she doesn't have phone service yet) and told him in a very eloquent way, keeping his feelings and beliefs in mind that she was seeing someone and that he was not the same religion as her dad.
my H has told my D that he will not support her or have any contact with her, as hard as it may be, if she chooses to have a relationship with this young man. He will draw a line in the sand and she will no longer be his D if that is what she chooses.
Then he called me to try to find out what I knew. I answered all of his questions honestly. He tried to blame me for not telling him about the R but I told him that I did not have many opportunities to talk to him in the past 8 months since he was not responding to any emails or phone calls and that our D was an adult and I felt it was her choice when she was ready to discuss it with him.
My H also told me that he would not waiver and if our D chose to stay with this young man that his conscience was clear he was doing the right thing for our D by looking out for her best interest and letting her know that he would not allow her to be with anyone other than someone of his religion. He said I probably would not agree with it but that was the way it would be.
I told him that he was free to believe what he did but I did not share the same viewpoint. He said he would try to talk to our D tomorrow.
I emailed our D and told her I had talked to her dad and that I would support her with whatever her decision is. I told her I felt terrible and I felt like it was my fault for so many reasons. She is sad and says it is not my fault and we both understand that the belief has been hanging around for some time it just hasn't been explicitly said until today. And with such conviction.
What do I say to my D? How can I support her? i do not agree with my H. I do not feel I can support this ultimatum. Leave this young man or I will have no contact with you. I fear this is what is going to tip the scales and pull us further apart. I also believe that my D didn't say anything earlier because she was afraid it might cause our M additional friction.
Does anyone have any suggestions on how to proceed? I could use some guidance!
I'm new here, but I think you said and did exactly the right thing.
The only person your husband can control is himself. Perhaps he's learning that he's not able to control you anymore, and he's attempting to both control your daughter and hurt her as a way of getting at you.
Perhaps he's panicking about loosing her and feeling like he's lost you?
Who knows. The thing is, you said the right thing. I think the only thing to do now is let your husband do whatever he wants to do, draw close to your daughter, and help her learn the lessons you've been learning about letting other people go and doing what is right for you without expectations.
Sorry to hear you've had such a hard time. It sounds horrible.
I appreciate your insights. I have told my D that me and my S stand by her. She is so sad and incredulous that her dad would give her such an ultimatum. She plans to think on it for a day then send him an email to discuss.
SpinningJenny I think you hit on something when you say my H feels like he is loosing control. He has been feeling marginalized at work and is in the process of an HR review of his Supervisor. His Father passed a few months ago and his mother doesn't live in the U.S. He carries a lot of guilt for leaving her. She does not want to move here so she is alone which is looked down on in his culture. So he is carrying that. The one area he has left to show he is in charge is by requiring our D to follow this religious requirement even though he was not required to do it and in fact married outside of his religion. He has not ask or required her to follow any other religious doctrine. So it is a bit confusing to us. I also believe that this return to a more "religious" lifestyle is part of why he has pushed me away this past year. One of his excuses for justifying his behavior.
Our S talked to his dad yesterday and listened to his dad talk about how marginalized he feels at his job and how he hasn't been treated fairly. Our S empathized and then asked him how he thought our D felt when he didn't listen to her and give her a chance to explain her position. Didn't he think his D was feeling the same- marginalized. My H said it's different it is her religious duty. Again any way he can justify his behavior and not look at it and the possible consequences if he in fact goes through with it. Which I truly believe he will.
I cannot believe he is willing to give up his relationship with his entire family ( not his extended family though, I'm sure they support him) just to make this point that he is right and that there is no room for any discussion when it comes to this subject. Seems like going to an extreme to get what he wants.
So utterly sad it's hard for me to breath today :-(
