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This is the prime example of being the lighthouse.


Me: 39y/o male
Wife: 35y/o
1 daughter, 2y/o
Joined: Oct 2004
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Originally Posted By: gr8ful3
Wonka,

I haven't posted in a couple of weeks but wanted to let you know that my H actually called me and asked for my assistance with his travel. His father had actually passed away at that point and I think your message showed that I was open to help. It was the first time in 6 months that he actually picked up the phone to call me and didn't do it over an email.

Wanted to thank you again for your assistance. I have been catching up with some other threads and think your advice is spot on.


cool cool cool

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Thank you Ralphy! It takes a village to be a lighthouse. I so admire everyone on this site. So much wisdom and kindness shared everyday. I only hope one day I can do the same.

I am relatively new on the site and will check out your thread.

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement.

Gr8ful


Me: 53
H: 54
M: 31


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Hi gr8ful3,

I just wanted to stop by and inform you that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I have not forgotten about you! I haven’t been online too much lately and finally have some extra time. How are you feeling?

Please try to keep a PMA, don’t give up and keep moving forward. We have your back!

Thanks for your post in my thread.

Your friend,

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Joined: May 2015
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Thank you dear Bob. I know you are going through some tough times right now. I sometimes have to take a break from the site for a few days to pretend my life is normal (LOL whatever that means).

Trying to keep a PMA and trying to stay strong and continue to move forward while standing still with my M. Sounds like an oxymoron doesn't it.

I had a wonderful weekend with my S so that has lifted my spirits. Trying to plan some fun GALing for the summer weekends.

God bless. Will continue to follow your sitch. You are doing great. Showing lots of strength and understanding.

Your mutual friend,

Gr8ful


Me: 53
H: 54
M: 31


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Originally Posted By: gr8ful3
Trying to keep a PMA and trying to stay strong and continue to move forward while standing still with my M. Sounds like an oxymoron doesn't it.

Hi Gr8ful,

You're very welcome! An oxymoron, indeed. laugh I totally understand. I just wanted to stop by and inform you that you are in my thoughts and prayers daily.

Peace to you, my friend, and may each day be better than the previous. Hang in there!

*hugs*

Your friend,

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 104
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I haven't posted anything in the past couple of weeks because I have been very busy with my house, job and kids. I had a couple of interesting discussions with my H and wanted to get everyone's take on them.

This may be a long post so I apologize in advance.

Last weekend, I was out of town GALing with some girl friends. Wine tasting in Sonoma. When I got home on Sunday evening my son told me that the car I let him drive quit running and he had to have it towed to our home. We determined it was probably the alternator. I told him we would discuss what to do the following day.

I took Monday off of work and my son wanted to discuss buying a car. His friends step dad told him he was selling is fathers 2005 Cadillac that has 64k but his dad smoked in the car so he couldn't trade it in. He wanted $6k for it. I told my son I know nothing about cars, you should call your dad and discuss.

So about 30 min later, I'm in my car and I see that my H is calling me. So I answer. He immediately starts yelling about how our S doesn't take care of anything and that he wasn't sure my S should buy a car- btw my S wanted us to loan him the money for the car- I forgot to say that. So my H is yelling. And I said that if he was uncomfortable with the car, he should call his brother who sells cars and ask him what he thinks. My H said good idea.

I call my S and tell him that we are checking with his uncle. My S said good idea. Everyone is on board. About 15 mins later my H calls me again and I can tell he is very agitated. He starts the conversation with I WANT YOU TO LISTEN TO ME AND NOT SAY ANYTHING. I AM VERY TIRED. MY BROTHER SAYS THAT CAR IS NOT A GOOD FIT FOR OUR S AND HE SAYS OUR S SHOULDNT BUY THE CAR. I said I'm fine with that and I agree with you if your brother says he shouldn't buy the car then we should say no and we will figure out something else. My H says that he and my S had a big fight about why he shouldn't buy the car. I said, well I agree with you so that is the end of the discussion of the car with our S. My H didn't know what to say. I agreed with him. It was like he was getting ready to battle with me. I told him not to worry, I'd talk to our S and we would work something else out.

Second conversation-

Saturday, after 3 weeks of helping his mom after his dad's death he is on a flight back to where he lives. He actually called me when he got into the U.S. He wasn't sure he was going to make his connection. I checked and said he should. He said he would call me when he got to his next layover because he had a couple of hours there. He never called me. And he never called me that evening when he got back to his apartment. He called me this morning, but I decided not to answer because he didn't respect me enough to call me yesterday when he said he would.

My question is, should I have answered the call today? Or is it okay to have let it go?

A little background about the first call. One of the things my H always got angry about was the way I defended my S whenever my H got angry with him. My H thought I was ruining him as a man. Babying him. I'm not going to say that I was always correct coming to my S's defense, but I often felt my H was really hard on my S.

Recently, I asked my S if he had talked to his dad to keep in contact and my S said, yes I talked to my dad. We talk to each other, but he hasn't listened to me in years. But we talk.

It made me feel so sad. My H hasn't been here for our kids during the past 3 years. And really more than that.

So not sure if my H will try to contact me again since he is back now. I guess I need to start reviewing the validation statements again. We haven't had a real talk in over 8 months.

Will let you know if I have the first one sometime this week. I'm very nervous!

Gr8ful3


Me: 53
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M: 31


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My H called me twice today. Once in the morning to tell me he tried to call me the day before but there was no answer. He asked me if I had gone out of town. I told him I was probably out doing yard work and didn't hear the phone.

The second time was to ask me if a credit was given on our credit card for a charge that was not valid. He was so angry - not at me- at the CC company. But it is typical of his previous mood before he stopped talking to me. How do you deal with such anger? Every little thing makes him mad. Everything is negative. Today, I listened, checked the CC statement for him and answered his question and told him to have a nice day.

Seems I'm not the only "one" "thing" making him angry.


Me: 53
H: 54
M: 31


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Originally Posted By: gr8ful3
Seems I'm not the only "one" "thing" making him angry.

Hi gr8ful,

I haven’t been on the board much this past week or so, I’m sorry if it seems like a life-time ago that I checked in with you.

You are correct - your H is angry about many things...mostly at himself, I believe.

Please stay positive and keep on the DB horse. You'll get thru this.

*Hugs*

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 104
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I have not contacted or talked to my H in almost one month. Out of the blue last weekend he called and left a message on my phone telling me he just wanted to say hi because he had not called me in a while (actually about 7 months). I was on a girls weekend and did not call him back. No call this weekend.

Today, he tries to call me on his one hour lunch break. I was on a conference call at work so I sent him the auto " busy, can I call you later" he sent a text back "yes". Then he called and left a message on my VM saying he tried to text me but I was busy. -yes- then he said when I have time to call him because we need to have a talk, a serious talk.

I waited a couple of hours and sent him back the following text. I hope this is OK. I probably should have run this past a vet b4 I sent it:

Got your message. I'm out of town on business through Thursday. Will be happy to talk when I'm back. Hope you are doing well.

I'm getting very nervous now that he has broken his silence. Not sure what to expect. Any tips on the best way to proceed? Assuming I do not contact him, right? Listen and validate? Do I let him do the talking? Do I keep conversation uncomplicated? A serious talk to me means relationship talk. So not good with those kinds of talks. Listen and validate, right!!!!


Me: 53
H: 54
M: 31


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