I see that so many of you have grown by leaps and bounds. I continue to be awed by the wisdom and tenacity you all share in your MLC struggles. You all are AMAZING!!! I wanna be strong like y'all when I grow up! *HEE HEE
So anyway, I am on these boards again cuz I need some perspective again. Only you all know the stuff we deal with so I trust your wise words.
Updates: 1) Still receiving treatment. Scans still look good - PRAISE GOD! I feel good. Some days a little more tired than others. But overall energy good. Thank you for those prayers and support!
2) My children still struggling. Now XH bashing me more to our children. Hurtful angry words. XH new wife started in on me too and my DS12 tried to defend me. *Long story*
3) My mom had a stroke a few weeks ago. She's not the same. :-( She's my caregiver when I go to treatment and now she needs care too. The stroke was mild and she has some weakness on her left side but it's her cognitive skills that still need some therapy. I think the stress of helping me through chemo & raising my children while dealing with the crazy XH was taking it's toll on her. Please pray for my mom! XH doesn't know about this cuz my mom doesn't want him to know.
4) DS12 has had some academic issues. XH blames me. "If she were a good mom then your grades wouldn't be bad." XH said this to my son. My son came home crying that his dad berated both of us. XH - "Even my SS6 reads better than DS9." XH said these things on his last visit to my children. XH and OW said that DS12 school may be too hard and that DS12 and DS9 should live with them so that their grades would be better.
My son tried to explain (in my defense) that I didn't know what his grades were because he kept hiding his papers from me and continued to lie about tests, quizzes and homework. OW said that this is just an excuse. OW continued that when her children were struggling in school that they would facetime their friends for help. That her children always know when to ask for help & are doing very well.
So now here is what is really going on. DS12 had a great report card last grading period and received a small award for improving all his grades which brought him into A's and B's. The material at school isn't difficult though it is a more academically rigorous curriculum. He loves the school and has started to even like his teachers. But then, I don't know what happened. He started to lie about homework, tests, quizzes, etc. He was hiding his papers that had poor grades. I never received an email or call from any of his teachers or advisor. I believed my son when he'd rattle off all this information he learned in class. He'd show me a few good papers so since he had made such a tremendous improvement last report card, I really thought he was doing well. The school doesn't have a "Parent Portal" so I rely on DS12 to tell me about all his assignments.
Now this recent report card showed 1 failing grade and 2 close to failing. Those are significant drops which no one let me know until now. So of course his dad is upset as am I. I spoke to my son to explain that because he lied so much to me about school that now it's pinned his dad and I against each other. (Maybe that's a bit harsh - but I didn't know how else to explain it) His dad and I should be working together to help him but XH continues to bash me as a mom. I feel I was suckerpunched and made to look like a fool. How can I not know that my son was not doing well. XH is going to the school with OW to meet with the teachers. I will be meeting with them as well. I want to speak with the teachers and XH without OW but XH won't let that happen. They are very united.
I received a HUGE text again about how I am keeping XH in the dark about our children's schooling. He mentioned that his stepchildren have a parent portal with their schools and they are able to keep tabs on their classwork unlike this school. He now wants weekly papers of all of our children's schoolwork to know if his children are failing. I give him monthly report cards as he requested in Feb. This all stems from DS12 not performing well on this report card. It's reflecting on all my children and since I continue to homeschool - it's an issue.
I've mentioned it before that he didn't care so much about their schooling but now it's priority for them (XH and OW). I am not trying to keep him in the dark but if I knew, I would've intervened earlier.
My DS16 hasn't been on a visit since Jan. cuz XH told him that he doesn't want him on the visits until DS16 can be sincere in wanting to have a real relationship with him. He told DS16 that they should speak on the phone first to start communication then later move on to having DS16 on the visits. Well, DS16 tried calling and text too to talk to his dad but his dad never answers nor responds. DS16 is sooo hurt. DS19 hasn't spoken or seen his dad either since Jan 3 of this year. How sad! They are all hurting. And XH hasn't visited his other son since last year - poor babies- where did their dad go?
XH is so full of anger towards me..? Why?
Anyway, there is more but asking for some advice. I fear he's trying to build a case against me. He keeps mentioning that he's "not working" so he can be that full time parent for them now. Problem is that the boys would rather not be around him or his new family. The younger boys are dealing with the visits with a lot of hurt. They really can't get out of having visits with their dad. They wish their brother DS16 would at least come to be their protector but XH won't even allow him in the vehicle.
Praying for wisdom, strength, courage and DIVINE PROTECTION!
Thank you all for your wonderful support and prayers = I pray for each of you to have strength and peace.
I'm glad your scans are looking good, but I'm sorry to hear about your mother. Hopefully she'll recover from this w/little or no lasting effects.
About the children, why doesn't your xh contact the school and set up a meeting to discuss the grades? That would be the most logical thing to do. However, I think the issue w/the schooling/grades has a lot to do w/the stress that your child is under. He doesn't like going to xh's house and dealing w/the stepmother and her children. Your child may be suffering from a bit of depression as well. The next time he bashes you about not informing him of the grades, suggest he contact the school directly for an appointment and meet up w/the teachers to see what is going on. I might even include that you will be happy to attend the meeting as well. It's time to put this puppy to bed and stop bashing you.
vge, some of the MLCers remain angry for a very long time and some even stay that way forever. I do think he's trying to build a case against you to take the children away and not have to pay you any child support. He doesn't realize nor care that the children aren't happy w/him and the living arrangement. All he is looking at is the money.
You should contact your lawyer and advised him/her that he is bashing you to the children. He needs to be put on notice that this unacceptable behavior and is creating some issues w/the children, i.e., hence the grades falling down.
Don't put this off. The longer this goes on, the more likelihood your child will continue to lose interest in his school work and fail additional classes.
Good luck!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you Job. He does contact the school but still reels me in as the one who should tell him. But he's not listening to me or my sons. He & his wife think they're right about everything. Btw- her child ( same grade as my son at different school) is not dong well either. But that's besides the point.
I pray for my sons daily. They are frustrated with their dad and it's getting to be so difficult for them to heal the wounds.
I need a new attorney since the last one was not the best advocate. I can't afford another lawyer. XH has money and can afford to fight. I don't know where to turn. I really don't need the added stress either. :-(
Anyway, thank you for listening. God bless you my friends.
Do you have a legal aid office in your area? You might want to check that out. They offer good advice and may be able to assist you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
UGH! I know from experience that dealing with a narcissistic ex can be really trying. My kids are older but my youngest, in his mid twenties, isn't speaking to his dad at all right now because of it. I don't badmouth my ex either but sometimes it's hard to find an explanation for ex's behavior (I fall back on "well, he had those concussions you know" sometimes.)
Just remember that anger is guilt turned outward - from the vicious way he has always behaved towards you, I imagine he has a boatload of submerged guilt. Plus now frustration that the kids won't fall in line with his fantasy.
Do you have a sense of why S12's grades suddenly dipped? Sometimes it can be as simple as being a little disorganized and getting behind, then getting overwhelmed with anxiety about it. Or he could be getting bullied in school or some such. Or do you suppose that the announcement about OW's pregnancy sent him into a tailspin?
Put the focus on your kids, and just give Ex what you have to give him to keep him off your back. Continue to stick to the high road but don't waste any more time thinking about him than you have to - he's not worth the energy. Document everything and put on a fake smiley face when you have to deal with him. Put nothing in writing that isn't super polite.
(Lol - just thinking about the fact that my ex is always super polite in emails - in a nauseating, suspicious way as he's stabbing me in the back. But in his mind I'm sure he thinks he's being SO polite and kind! I'm sure your ex can't deal with the fact that his actions have upset the kids, so he has to put it all on you. )
Take care of yourself, document everything with the kids, give S12 some extra lovin (imagine how stressed he must have been hiding that stuff from you) and walk him through how he can get out of this hole. It happened to my kids at that age too, even before anything went wrong with my marriage, and I always remember what one teacher said - better for them to have failure experiences in middle school, where grades don't count, than in high school. Better to learn those lessons at this age.
Hi again! I don't even know where to begin. This saga keeps spiraling and I can't seem to get it under control. My XH has a lot of time on his hands since he doesn't "work". He and his wife just want to have full control over me and my children.
He sent the longest email regarding the schooling of our children. When we were married up until the day he married his new wife, XH never was involved in their schooling. We'd show him what the boys were learning and it wasn't of much interest to him. He trusted me to homeschool our children. But with new wife along with my ex in laws, the tone and concern has shifted.
He says that I must want our children to fail since our youngest is behind in reading (he's known this for several years) though ds9 had made tremendous improvement just needs time. No disorders just needs time.
Our oldest children don't talk to him and he says it's my fault. He also says that our younger children have lots of fun fun fun with him and his new family and they've said they love him. He wants the older boys to want to have s sincere relationship with him and he says it's sad that they don't call him.
Duh! He never calls or texts them either.
I don't know how to respond.
I'll seem emotional, bitter and defensive if I try to explain our children's behavior and grades. They are still so wounded then they see me stress out when he texts or emails. I'm trying to be strong but this is A lot of attacking . The boys are scheduled to start charter schools next year, So I don't understand why he's trying to get so involved now at the end of the year. He said he keeps saying he's documenting everything. So I haven't said or responded to any of his texts or emails. Does that work against me ? Need some wise words. I have paperwork for the homeschooling curriculum but I don't think that will suffice. I don't want to open another can of worms just for him to berate me.
1) Stick to the facts. If he asks an actual question, or makes a blatant accusation, answer it as briefly and factually as possible. Examples: - No, I do not want our children to fail. DS9 has made a lot of progress in his reading this year, he just needs time. He is currently doing X,Y,Z to improve his reading skills. He should be at grade level when he starts the charter school next fall. - I have always encouraged the older boys to stay in contact with you. However, YOU are the adult here, and it should be YOU that is calling them and making the effort to reach out to them.
Don't get pulled into any name calling, blaming etc but do succinctly defend yourself against any attacks that need addressing. That way you can have it documented that you kept him informed, and document some fo the things like him not calling the boys.
The words seem logical and appropriate. I want to email him with facts. I just know that he's ready to fire away. I could give him a barrage of come backs about his lack of parenting for the past year until he got married but then it would lead to more.
I don't know how so many of y'all are so strong when they start throwing out mean things.
The last time he attacked my motherhood and parenting, I defended myself but he came back harder. It went back and forth and he just needs the last word- even if untrue.
GRRR!! This is only PART of the email: I'm not trying to be mean but I must ask are u OK with DS12 failing? I cant think of any other reason with all his failing grades other than the fact u want him to fail. I don't get the privilege to see them every day and I don't get to see them every night. I've tried calling them daily but they will not answer or they keep the conversation very short and scripted. The older boys don't even want to talk to me anymore. Imagine how you'd feel if that happened to you? But guess what>? I wouldn't allow them to treat their mother that way regardless of the situation you and I are in. This is a sad thing for u to allow when I am making every attempt to be there for them as their father who is still alive and all your bills are being paid because of child support and alimony just as I've worked nonstop and paid all the bills for the past 20 years. Its sad and disappointing to be treated this way by DS16 and ignored by DS19. If the boys want to talk to me they need to be genuine and it needs to be heartfelt and come directly from them. DS9 & DS12 have assured me & told me that they love me and they want to see me and they want a relationship with me. I think that is wonderful And I wont allow the older boys negative, unappreciative and disrespectful influence to take that away from them. As I've said before and will say again, this situation between you and I does not have to ugly or difficult. My wife & I have made every attempt to keep lines of communication open. We have continued to financially support you and offer any extra help with the children to ensure their needs are met such as education, medical etc. I currently am not working so I have more than enough time to have joint custody. All I'm asking is that you keep lines of communication open. Coparenting is necessary for the well-being & future of these kids. DS9 and DS12 seem to have been adjusting very well when they come for their visits with us. They are relaxed & lots of fun.
Soooo... First - I don't want our children to fail. I try to help them every way possible but they aren't robots or puppets. They have minds of their own and learn differently.
Second- no conversation is scripted. They go to another room to speak with their dad. I'm not in the room nor do I tell them what to say. I've mentioned this scenario before where they felt interrogated and the conversations felt weird to them. We all feel that he might have had it recorded.
Third - He mentions that he's a father that is still alive since he's comparing himself to his wife's late husband. Of course XH is alive but boys know he isn't the same. It falls totally with the saying that divorce is like a death but corpse keeps walking around.
Fourth - he is still paying alimony and child support but that will change soon. Alimony was only for 18 mos. and it ends next Feb. Child support will change with new baby and my oldest son graduating in June. I stopped working outside the home 13 yrs ago to homeschool our children but that was a joint decision. I'm still looking for fulltime employment that's flexible for treatment.
Fifth - no offer of anything extra for the kids. Sports, equipment, etc.
Sixth - Lines of communication are extreme texts and emails to which I don't respond. I've never kept him in the dark. He is just overbearing to me and our children. I let him know about our children but then if it's something bad - he blames me.
Seventh - Co-parenting would work for "OUR" children if he and I could be alone and talk. This isn't happening because his wife is always there. Her texts are overly friendly and XH texts say that he wants to be friends etc. but I don't buy it. So I think it's safer to do things separately. I'd rather her not be part of teacher conferences or conversations about my children with XH. He even signed my son's birthday card with Mr and Mrs XH. ?? Shouldn't it be signed by "Dad"?
Sorry for the length. My old lawyer said that XH emails and texts sound logical and my responses are too emotional. ??? I don't want any judge or lawyer to buy into his nonsense.
NO emotional responses. Ask a good friend (or us) to vet them before you send them.
Anything you send should be strictly the facts and should "sound" friendly even if you want to bash him.
Don't say anything about how his actions have caused this - judge won't care.
Just say: Yes, I am aware of X problem with W kid and we are doing Y and Z to remedy it.
No, I am not badmouthing you to the boys, people often have problems with their teens, I suggest you go to family counseling with them.
I have the same kind of BS with my ex, except our kids are in their 20's. He gets super anxious when they have a problems, and wants me to get on board with his (usually overbearing) response. I try to keep my responses as emotionless as possible. (btw, my youngest currently refuses to speak to his father and feels completely unsupported and misunderstood by his father. )
Your kids have the extra burdens of being anxious about YOUR health, and of having to deal with the OW as a stepmom (thankfully my ex is married to a woman he met a year after our separation, not one of his OW).
You could kindly suggest that your older boys might respond best to having some private time alone with Ex, and perhaps he could make some time for that? That would be good to have documented if he replies that they should suck it up and be with the new "family".
Maybe something like : "I have never badmouthed you to the boys. I am sorry that you are having problems connecting with them right now. I too would like to see this issue resolved as I think boys need their father. Since you are the adult here, I think it would be best if you could be the bigger man and persist in contacting them. I think both of them would appreciate some one-on-one time alone with you - perhaps if you offered that they would respond? If not, perhaps you could convince them to join you in some counseling sessions."
That makes you sound like you're trying to solve the problem, and shows him to be the narcissist if he declines these very sensible measures.
HElP! I received a text from XH cuz DS19 called him & had XH on speaker. XH asked him why and DS19 said for documentation.
So then XH said "stop recording me since it's illegal for you to record me on a recording device without my permission. I do not give you my permission"
DS19 said ok. XH: "either you stop recording or we stop talking." DS19: "Ok well then it was nice talking to you again."
XH responded text me saying that "it's another thing that I'm doing to distract him from building a relationship with his sons because I told DS19 to record the conversation. Now he has paper documentation and will take this to court." UGH!!!
DS19 hasn't spoken to his dad since new years eve and XH said how could I allow the boys to treat their dad this way. ???? I've NEVER interfered nor do I "allow" them. I cant make a 16 & 19 yr old. I've tried and look what happened. My DS19 was soooo upset and frustrated cuz he really didn't want to talk to his dad - at all but I did ask him to call & let his dad know about the final date.
So I'm putting together the following email - can y'all look it over & see it looks ok. I dont want to get into a battle. So frustrated.
XH,
I asked DS19 to call you to let you know about his graduation date.
You have always had DS19 and DS17 cell phone numbers and are always free to call or text them anytime. I have also always encouraged them to contact you. I have never prohibited nor interfered with your relationships with our children. They are always free to communicate with you by phone call, text, email or in person.
