I am very sorry that the drama continues. I'm glad the chemo is continuing to work for you and it sounds like you are doing well w/it except for being tired. Some of that tiredness is from the drama you are receiving nonstop from your xh.
As for the threats of calling the police if you deny him visitations...let him call them. Are you documenting everything, especially the number of visitations? If not, begin to do so. He's a big bully who has no control over h is life w/the new wife and he's taking it all out on you. Don't engage w/him any more than you have to. If the conversations start to get ugly, hang up the phone. If the emails come in, don't respond right away. Only address issues that you need address in a calm tone (which I'm sure you are doing).
As for his job...what happened? Was he fired or did he quit? Could this be a ploy to lower child and spousal support to you? If he's now harping on seeing the kids, then he's got money to visit w/them and do things w/them.
As for your former MIL, she's no better than he is. Please stop reading their facebook pages as it's not doing you any good. "Little" people have to brag about their happiness all of the time, which to me, is proof that it's not all unicorns and pixies over there. You know what you had for 22 years and no matter how much they try to rewrite history, people who knew you, know what you had. They are just trying to convince the world and themselves that they did the right thing.
As AJ pointed, do your homework...there are organizations that can assist you. You aren't well enough yet to get a job and you don't want to set your recovery back by trying to work right now.
I will continue to keep you and your children in my prayers.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Vge, so good to hear from you, wow, what an update !!
I am so pleased that chemo is working and you continue to improve. I hope that you are able to find a way through your different options and find a scheme that is right for you - is there an advisory place that can help you with this?
As for your xh - well, the crazy certainly continues. Can you imagine how he is going to feel when he wakes up from his crisis and sees what he has created.
Vge, I have and will always be in awe of you, you have shown incredible strength and courage with the challenges that you are faced with, you have met each one head on and kept faith that god will show you the way through, this is a real testament to your character. Believe that you are right where you are supposed to be and god has great plans for you and your children, they are just around the corner.
I hope vge that you continue to move forwards with your own life, don't allow what your xh has done to marr what is good in the world, you are the one who defines your future not him. I wish you and your children such happiness going forwards from all this. Please don't be a stranger here, its good to hear how friends are doing.
1) will you qualify for medicaid or a subsidy? My friend who is a widowed single mom, bought a plan with low deductbles, but her subsidy cut the price in half. 2) Cobra your existing plan until you get a new one. 3) Do the math, but given your treatment you are probably better off paying for a gold plan with few deductibles than a bronze plan with hi deductibles. (I bought a bronze plan for 500/ mo, a gold plan was something like 825. I'm thinking about switching and getting everything I need done next year.) 4) if you qualify for Medicaid, take it! At least look at it.
Get someone you know who's good with numbers to help you compare plans.
Hi Vge, Just caught up on your sitch. Wow. Praying for you and the boys.
So, couple thoughts: 1. medicinal mushrooms. What do you know about them? Not reishi while undergoing chemo as it boosts the immune system too much, but others like chaga and turkey tails. Talk with an integrative MD who understands the pharmacology of your chemo drugs and how they will interact w/the constituents in the mushrooms. There are great databases particularly at Sloane Kettering online for the MDs to cross-reference. Host Defense/Fungi Perfecti ... check it out.
2. Do NOT engage with the nutbag known as your XH ... you know this already. There is the counselor, lawyers, etc., the truth is documented by your sons' counseling sessions. He is clearly addicted to the drama. God help the OW because this house of cards is gonna collapse on her, her kids and this new baby too. He is a piece of work. Remember, his family is only hearing his side. They are believing his lies. They are in a tough position. It hurts, I know. Focus on YOU. You know the truth, and so will everyone else in due time.
3. Honey, do the doctors say it's ok for you to work FT right now? What support are you getting in the way of looking for work? It's so hard when you've been a sahm for so long. If I've missed this pls. forgive me for repeating but, here are my thoughts on how to go about finding some work:
a. re: your resume - you probably have a lot of skills that you aren't thinking about. Here are some thoughts about that: home schooling = teaching, get on the local substitute teachers list for school systems in your area. these are per diem but that might work for you in the interim to get you some ready $.
b. what have you done in the way of volunteer work, or coordinating ? you homeschooled 4 boys for a long time. write down all the things you had to do to do that effectively - many of these things are transferrable as job skills.
c. next, talk to everyone you know that you are looking for a job. jobs are found through people you know far sooner than through ads/head hunters.
d. also, temp work with temp agencies: you can ask for temp assignments which are specifically temp to term. Gives you and potential employer a chance to try each other out without commitment, and you an oppty to earn $ in the meantime.
Hope this helps. So aghast at what you've had to deal with in the past year, but God is good - you are handling this with far more grace than even you probably know right now.
4. Whatever happened with NG? I'm so curious about him.
Sending you love, light and prayers xoxoxo Bttrfly
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I know you want to support yourself and solve the insurance problem yourself... But, is this what the Lord is telling you to do?? OR, as I suspect, is this what YOU are thinking is your will right now?
You are sick. That's the bottom line. You are sick with an illness which could rob your children of their mother during an already traumatic time in their life.
While a FT job may solve the insurance issue, income issue... will it solve the illness issue? This, in my opinion, is your top priority... if, for no other reason, than the impact your loss would have on your kids. Do not leave them with your crazy ape-shid exH to raise.
So... having accepted your situation today... what can you do to build yourself up to a point where you are self-supporting and able to, healthily, handle all those responsibilities like a FT job??? And, kids? Etc...
I made the mistake about a year ago by pushing myself into a position where I thought I SHOULD be... as opposed to accepting where I was. If you take a blessing BEFORE you are ready for it, there's the potential you can make things worse than they are. I learned this the hard way.
While I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to be in a position today to give my daughters EVERYTHING they want... a paid-for college education and trip to Disney... my reality today... the reality God has given me... is that I need to build to that point. I'm still recovering from the trauma of the past 3.5 years... and, I'm still acquiring the skills I need to balance everything in a healthy way... HEALTHY way for me... Which may look differently than it looks for someone else.
Don't rush recovery. Slowly, steadily, build your strength until you are capable of handling the Blessings which I KNOW God will send when the time is right.
I needed to hear that today. Sometimes, when you stop, accept God's will for today, you are more able to see the blessings He is giving YOU TODAY... as opposed to the blessings you want in the future. I know that, for me, accepting His Will has brought more joy into my life than I ever imagined... It's just not wrapped in the paper I envisioned. Still a blessing though!
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Hi, vge, I’m so sorry to hear that it continues to be a battle when it comes to your xh. I just could not believe what I was reading in your update. How people could be so cruel and senseless. I agree with Lou, if he ever is going to wake up, it is going to be brutal. He got himself in such a mess. I can’t remember how old your children are. Do any of them have a say in visitation with their dad?
On the other side, I’m so happy to hear that the chemo is working. You are going to make it! You are a strong woman and your kids need you. I second kml on the insurance thing. You might qualify for medicade or subsidy. Maybe look up a medical insurance agent in your area. They know about the plans and can help you with selecting one. They should also be familiar with how to work though the Exchange website (Obamacare) and will help you to establish an account.
Sending you much love and hugs.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Hi My friends. Thank you for your encouraging words of wisdom. I am so happy that y'all understand. Y'all have helped so much in perspective, support and prayers. Thank you! Luv y'all!
Continued prayers are being lifted for all of you.
Health update: Still on chemo. Still doing good. CT scans came back good. No new lesions. No new cancer. So everything still looks good - YAY! Praise God! I will be going in for my bone scans later this month. PRaying!
I have read all of y'all's suggestions and I've tried each one. I am in the middle. I don't qualify for any programs because I'm not poor enough.?!? They go completely on income regardless of expenses. I tried to explain that what my XH provides barely covers house, utilities, gas, insurance, food, not to mention cc bills, medical copays and now OBAMACARE. They don't care cuz according to them I don't need help since I barely make it covering just food and shelter. They don't include health insurance nor medical copays as a major ding to what monies I do get. But thank y'all for the suggestions. I'll keep looking.
MLC I don't even know where to begin. It's so long. I'm really getting frustrated with my atty. It's also so late in the game that I really don't know if I can start over.
1) XH text that he wants to talk to the boys everynight at 8p and I need to make sure they're available.
2) Boys cried and were very upset cuz they really didn't want to talk to him everyday.
3) I gently forced them to talk to him cuz I said if they didn't talk then it'll come back that I'm interfering (which I'm not).
4) DS16 called XH and explained that none of the boys want to talk with him. XH wanted to hear it from all the boys which they did.
4) XH requests to talk to me on the phone. I shouldn't have. But he begins this tirade of how I am brainwashing the boys against him. That when they walk out of my house they walk out like robots until they're with him then they're relaxed, talking and laughing.
Here's the rest:
XH: I need you to back me up. IF the shoe were on the other foot, I would be talking you up that they're gonna see mom and have a good time.
Me: I do tell them to go have fun with you. I don't talk bad about you.
XH: bullcr@p.
Me: xh I want to have a good parenting relationship with you as I know you would want the same.
XH: You aren't helping. You are bad mouthing me even to my own family at parties.
ME: No I don't. I am not talking bad about you. And if the shoe were on the other foot - first I wouldn't have left. second I wouldn't have invited my GF to confirmation Third I wouldn't have gotten married before the divorce is signed by a judge. Fourth I wouldn't have gotten her knocked up. (I shouldn't have blown up -oops!)
XH: We were already divorced.
ME: I know that now.
XH: and I didn't get her knocked up. We planned this.
ME: REally? That's weird.
XH: The boys are seeing what a good relationship looks like.
ME: No. They don't like what they see. You aren't caring about them. The boys want to go to another counseling session with you.
XH: I'm not going to that counselor. She's biased. I know you found her through a friend of a friend. I won't go there and have another bash on XH session.
ME: The boys just want you to listen to them.
XH: **click*** He hung up!
So today, Xh and OW show up at DS11 school to meet the dean of students and some teachers. I had asked the dean not to have OW present but he forgot. UGH!! XH sent a nasty email regarding our child's grades and then went on how the other children are doing in school. I didn't respond.
XH called children again tonight and spoke to DS11 about his grades and how he cares about the boys and it's not fair that he was left out of the loop. DS11 tried to explain about his classes but XH wasn't listening. XH even offered his dad to help with my DS in school work after my son said that I help him understand the subjects. then XH text me after the phone call.
TEXT:
XH: VGE I would've appreciated a response that u got my email today cuz it was about our children's wellbeing. I know u got the msg cuz DS11 just told me that he knew I was at his school today & I talked to his teachers. But I think it's wrong of u to keep me out of the loop & when I ask for a response u ignore me when it doesn't go ur way. I need to seek professional therapy for yourself cuz u r bitter & upset to the pt that u r using the kids as a leverage tool against me. & the only thing u r doing at that pt is hurting the boys. I don't expect u to b happy or excited that I've moved on. That's ok cuz I'm not seeking ur blessing but u need to show some respect for me & OW. I've never spoken to the boys negatively about u & neither has OW. Therefore I expect u to do the same. It's even written in the decree. I want what is best for the boys. I want them to be successful & loved.
So my friends, what do I say. He sounds logical, reasonable? How is it that I need therapy and I need to show him & OW respect? How is it that just now he's completely devoted to our children and wanting to be part of their lives? Now that he's married and expecting another child - was that the DAD wakeup call?
Boys aren't wanting to talk to him but have. Boys really don't want to live with him and make do with just the overnight thing. I don't talk badly about him to the boys nor his family. I have homeschooled the boys and he was never really interested in what they were doing. Even when they'd explain what they were learning he just wasn't there for them.
Anyway, I am so hurt. Seems like he wants everything from me...house, vehicles, money, children and my life. I am not bitter cuz I really don't care about what he's doing unless it affects our children. They are hurting. IT shows in their attitudes and their grades. DS11 is in a school environment and trying to adjust to this very academically rigourous school (he'll do great), managing life with a mom who has cancer, dealing with a dad that moved out for a gf, married her and now is expecting a new sibling. This is a lot for anyone but on top of that to make "A's". DS11 needs time.
I told XH before he left, that if he left, it would impact our children academically, mentally, emotionally and socially. And I was right. Our DS9 has fallen behind in reading, DS16 struggling in english but both excel in math. DS18 also has his moments with the curriculum. I see all of this and I'm trying to help them but for XH to bash me about homeschooling I find hard to cope with. He and his parents have always bashed the idea and now that XH was at DS school, I'm sure he went straight to his mother (my MIL) to explain the whole story who then tells EVERYBODY EVERYTHING! Not to mention OW probably spread the whole thing out there.
Now the visits with dad my be interrogation and quizzing.
You XH sounds typical for MLC..Totally focused on him and spinning..newly married and expecting
You on the other hand seem balanced..going through cancer and holding your own Im glad to hear your results are favorable
I would try to not give XH too much headspace..Maybe he can never be satisfied he has an unsatiable need and will point the finger at you
I would try to be cordial to him at at same time ignore his requests as you have no power to make your kids forgive him
it will take time for everyone to adjust
I think what helped my kids the most during transition was me being as stable as possible..( even though I felt nuts) I listened to them especially my preteen who had a need to talk al to It helped her and today at 20 she is fabulous
hang in and just take care of you you are doing good and healing
wishing you a peaceful evening
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Been out of the loop a while. So Sorry. All is ok.
I've had some shaking of truth from oncologists, nurses and lawyers. Cried a lot! But I'm in a different emotional state now. It's not all roses (lots of thorns) but it's a new normal. Oncologist says that I can choose to go with once a month maintenance on chemo. Since all my scans show no progression of cancer. I'm stable. Cancer markers are the lowest they've been since right before my diagnosis. Good news - right?! Well, maybe so, maybe not. I'm receiving treatment that is working right now. If I change treatment & the cancer grows then I can't go back to this protocol. (I'm on a clinical trial - if I leave - I can't go back) There are too many variables. If anything comes back then I'd have to pursue some other treatment and there is no guarantee that it'll work or that I'll feel good with no side effects like I do now.
A hard thing to accept-Lifetime of chemo until cancer goes away. I don't want to die. I love my boys so much and everyday I have with them is such a beautiful gift. I wake up thanking God that He has given me another day to be with my children. So, healthwise - I choose to live life even if it's with a wig, false eyelashes and drawn eyebrows. ;-)
XH - still acting out. Lashing mean things in practically every text. I've come to an understanding that I am co-parenting with a narcissist. It's textbook and so sad. But it's helpful to know what I'm dealing with. Yet..I'm freaking out right now!
DS 12 struggling emotionally (as my other boys) & it reflects on how he's behaved in school & taking tests. DS12 knows the material but has expressed anxiety with tests. XH compared our son with his stepchildren who he says are in GT programs and doing great even though they've had to transition with a new stepdad & the loss of their real dad. My children say this isn't true. Then he asked if our other boys were passing or failing since I still homeschool. I just responded passing. Now he wants specifics (out of nowhere).
XH tells me in practically every text that he thinks I'm manipulative and telling the boys garbage and nonsense. Why would I do that? My goal is for peace and civility. If I were to fill my children's heads with lies & garbage then it serves no one. I want my children to have a good relationship with their dad. Unfortunately, visits aren't pleasant.
In dealing with a narcissist, I read to disengage, remember they project, keep to the facts. But now, he's threatening custody stuff & doesn't want to pay spousal support & wants child support lowered cuz he says he doesn't have a job. (more on that later)
Text today:
XH: I never recvd boys grades & I asked for those 2 mos. ago. In fact, I've asked several times & haven't recvd them from u.U r their teacher & I'd expect u to have that readily avail & thought u would certainly share this w/me since I'm their father. I'd like to pick these grades up when I pickup the boys tonite at 6:30p.
Me: Are you on ur way?
XH: Oh so u do know how to text. I'm here now.
Me: Why aren't you taking DS17?
XH: He hates me. He told me that. Don't u listen to what they say. I'm sure they all told u about their visit last Sun. & why they came hm early. So don't play dumb. DS 17 & DS 19 r more than welcome to come w/me anytime. But why have him come now when he doesn't even want to see me or be sincere about spending time w/me. He told me he hate me & doesn't even love me. U put that garbage in their heads. If they said stuff about u..I'd have straightened them out & had them call u to apologize immediately cuz it's disrespectful. I'd have at least called u to find out the story. U didn't even do that! U have completely ignored my texts until just a few min ago when u need something. Really?? Is this coparenting? Does ur actions even appear to b sincere & like ur working to help this situation? Nope it doesn't. It appears to me that u r bitter, scorned & refuse to move on.This is evident in our older boys acting towards me. Thx for that vge1. I'm in love with my boys & u know that. I'd do anything for them & they know that too. I want a sincere relationship w/my sons. Not a fake one where they go for the ride to fulfill an obligation. Tell them I'm ready when they are. I havent gone anywhere.I didn't leave them. I left u.
I didn't respond.
Then I got more texts about their grades etc. He even text a copy of the decree where it states he needs to know about their education & now he says he cant afford health insurance for our children. I'm sending the grades to him but it's VERY SUSPICIOUS! Praying the Lord protects my children and I!
Hi V, So sorry to read that he is still causing you such turmoil. I dunno seems he is latching onto anything to be able to maintain some contact - he sure has a lot of anger, doesn't he? Just keep the focus on you as much as you can. I cannot even imagine what it must be like. Sending prayers your way for strength and peace.
xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
