MLCers love to play the victim whether they are or not. I can hear that little ant playing the violin every time one of them cries poor mouth.
Here's the thing, if he didn't have the money, he wouldn't be going on vacation. Of course, he's only got $100 to spend right now because he's spent all of his money on the ow and her kids on a vacation. People haven't been connecting the dots of what's going on, but in time, they will.
He rants to the kids so that they come back and complain to you. He doesn't care if you are fighting cancer and can't work, he doesn't care if you and the kids are out on the street just as long as he can say that you have taken all of the money and left him w/very little. It's all about them. Yes, God will get him thru it and hopefully open his eyes to what he's doing.
People will see the light eventually, especially when he continues to cry victim and they run out of funds themselves. It will happen and very soon.
There will come a time when you will shake your head and begin to see the humor in some of his rantings. I know, right now it stings and you want to stand up and defend yourself...but you can't. Stay the course, continue as you have been w/the grace and dignity that you've shown thus far.
Your children are seeing the light and speaking up and eventually he's going to distance himself from those who are speaking up. Why? Because he doesn't want to be challenged on his rantings and behavior. But, time will tell how this will play out.
vge, I know it's tough and I also know you could throttle him about now, but God's got this. Give it all to him. He does work in mysterious ways and he will always be there for you.
Please, please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Ok, I so appreciate this forum. Y'all are my inspiration. Praise God for y'all.
Today was payday for my H. But he cancelled the direct deposit to our joint acct. Therefore, I wrote an email requesting a certain amount of money to pay for the mortgage along with several household bills.
Well, I received a super long text
H: Last wk I paid the mortgage so that money will be deducted from the amt you requested. When I return from a business trip, I'll send you a certified letter with a chk for expenses. I am having to pay more money to my atty plus mediation costs. Do not threaten me with you contacting your atty. My atty is fully aware of my actions regarding our finances and the steps I am taking to ensure all financial obligations are met. You could've helped with this by limiting any unnecessary expenses as well as by providing me ALL bills/expenses ahead of time as I had requested last month.
Me: H, You should've told me that you paid the mortgage. /you aren't the only one with limited finances. This D was your choice in the first place. I have other expenses too. And I don't see why you need to send a certified letter when you could've transferred the funds and sent an email. All these expenses are necessary. The divorce being final will give us clear direction on finances. The sooner the better.
Later, H sent a lengthy email stating that I am making daily demands???? and that there are no temporary orders in place therefore he wants our boys to spend the night Fri, Sat and Sun.??!!
I contacted my atty asap. She said there is a temp order in place and he has violated it over and over again. The boys each told me that they don't want to spend the night with their dad especially at his girlfriends house.
So I sent a text to him to have his atty contact my atty. Then the following texts came through:
H: vge, my atty asked me to respect his time. I am already having to pay him $5K this tuesday to further retain him. I am not going to bother him with this. What is the problem? Are you denying my right to spend the weekend with my sons?
Me: I again ask that you have your atty contact my atty.
H: I already forwarded my atty the original email I sent you. He is fully aware and asked me to be respectful of his time and send him money to extend his retainer fee. I will not be bothering him until I pay him this Tuesday. You can communicate what you need from me right now if it involves visitation with my sons.
Me: I have also spoken to my atty and if you need clarification then you should have your atty contact mine.
H: What are you avoiding vge? Why can't you clarify things? You have no problem delivering your list of demands on a daily basis. If you already contacted your atty and there was something wrong, she would've contacted my atty by now. So I am confused by your vague response. I will be there to pick up my sons this Fri at 6p for their weekend stay.
I haven't responded. My atty wanted me to send a text that he should stop harassing me or I'll call the police. That I am fighting cancer and he's fighting me.
Of course, I didn't send that text.
Why does it have to be this ugly? What did I say? Were my words harsh? I haven't made any demands except for asking for monies to run the household. At that, I didn't ask for extra money like for a day of eating out or having fun. He's the Disney Dad.
He says he's strapped for cash and he'll have to sell the vehicle he was going to give to our oldest son and going to sell the truck too to cover atty costs. Yet, he had enough money to pay for our mortgage, go on vacation with girlfriend, and pay the atty $5K??? How? Maybe it's from his girlfriend but I'm guessing it's his parents too that are funding this D. So sad.
Anyway, so very sorry for the long post. Thank you for reading. Would appreciate some insights and words of wisdom. Prayers too. This is a dark place and the light is there, it's just dim.
I trust in God and needing to feel His Divine Presence. Continued prayers for courage, wisdom, strength, favor and VICTORY!!
VGE do not doubt yourself in all of this. There is something seriously wrong with this man. I would be kind to my enemy if they were fighting a serious illness.
I think that it is extreme guilt. He is out of control. Please protect yourself in every way you can during this.
Why they get meaner with the more despicable their deeds, I can't say. But, the more vile they behave, generally, the more vile they act towards their family.
Stay the course. Let your atty deal with him. Focus on your health. ;-)
Last edited by LoisB; 07/16/1510:58 AM.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Oh Vge, I am so sorry your h has become this vile man.
He is not playing nice at all and I really feel for you. Don't engage in conversation with him unless it is absolutely necessary, he does not seem to be able to be civil so the less you have to do with him the better.
Don't buy this paupers act for one minute vge, you know too well that he is able to find the money for treats so stay firm with this, don't give an inch, just keep referring him to your atty - if he wants to play dirty then let it cost him to do it.
If you have a temp order in place for the children and his demands are violating that then take action to stop him having them. Vge, the moment you give in to his demands is when he knows he has got you right where he wants you.
You have got this girl, you are so strong and are handling this incredibly well, I am in awe of your resilience. I know its really hard to not let him get to you, but its what he wants, he wants you to give in - Vge, don't give him the satisfaction, hold your head high and say out loud - I am better than him. BECAUSE YOU ARE.
I hope all is going well with your treatment and you continue to heal. I am sending you love and prayers, keep going my friend, you can do this.
I'm so sorry that he is acting like a monster. It's all about entitlement and what he wants and when he wants it. His pocket is being emptied of money and he's not happy about that. In his mind, he thinks that you are off getting your nails done and having a great time at a spa. He doesn't realize, nor does he care, that you aren't doing it. This thought has stuck in his mind and to show you that you aren't going to get every dime, he's taking charge of everything.
Yes, he should have advised you when he paid the bills. If he had, you wouldn't have requested funds to cover the mortgage. It's called communication and yet he fails at that when it comes to advising you of payments...but notice how he can go on and on about you "demanding" stuff from him.
Shut this man down! You can't reason w/an irrational idiot. Notify your attorney and send all of the emails to him/her and let the attorney handle this stuff. Why doesn't your attorney pick up the phone call his attorney? That would take you out of the loop of trying to rationalize w/the idiot.
Please, please stop getting text message discussions w/him. All it does is spin him up and he gets off on that stuff and it stresses you out. Leave it in your attorney's hands to deal with. That is what you are paying the law firm to do.
Now, please breathe and try to keep the focus on you. You need your strength to help you heal.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Whoa! What can I say?! What a senseless string of responses from him! Your replies were spot on though ... But this was my absolute **fav.! >>> I haven't responded. <<< LOVED it a lot, keep it up!!!! Keep coming back to **this for future ref. I know animals more civil!
>> My atty wanted me to send a text that he should stop harassing me or I'll call the police. That I am fighting cancer and he's fighting me << Atty makes a good point. Your ONLY fight should be with cancer. You cannot use all that unnecessary energy re: txt etc on that '?whatever the heck! it is thing? going on with him thing!?!'.
Job is right - he's angry re $$ b/c he could use it on other 'worthwhile' things. Tough! Life is rough for him/ $$ - guess YOU must be on vacation or something?! Also, let atty take the hits, ok?
[quote=pbetra]vge - just dropped in to check on you -
sorry about the 'sticker mode, colourful reply' - must be my mood - (working on expressive arts)
Last edited by pbetra; 07/26/1503:46 PM. Reason: 2 artsy
pbetra ---- M: 15 yrs (in 2014) BD: 6/03/2014 Infidelity ('known' from July 2014) Denied PA Feb 2015 2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact. Back briefly 2017 (after family death) Separated 2017
VGE - keep fighting your fight and let H deal with himself. You are dealing with far more important issues - your health and well being.
As time has gone on I feel like you are getting stronger than you realize. You have come a long way from the wife who first posted on this forum. Cancer better watch out because you are fierce and you are getting more fierce ---- sending you prayers and energy to kick cancer's a**!!!
You are amazing VGE and a child of God. I know you are a woman of faith but also remember that you are a woman of strength.
{{{hugs}}}
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Updates: 1) Still fighting the fight ...cancer that is. To God be the glory, the chemo still working. I'm off this week. Yay! Three more I.V. treatments left then we'll see what happens then. I'm looking for a job so that I can get benefits because COBRA will be too expensive and may prevent me from getting money for sustaining my household. Looking at other insurance/healthcare alternatives that do cover my treatment and that my doctor takes and is low cost. Praying!
2) H is still an alien...weirder by the moment. So here's what happened - more text drama.
M: Are u on ur way? (he ran 45 min later than usual)
H: Yes. Running behind another appt. I'll be there around 7:30p
M: Ok. I also need in writing that our boys will not be spending the night tonight or this weekend with you & OW.
H: I'm not writing anything period!
M: Then the boys will not go with you til you can confirm this.
H: Okay, I have not decided if I am staying at my parent's house this wknd. My atty did confirm that they could spend the night with me at my parents house.
M: The boys don't want to spend the night there either. And per my atty they can choose not to. Again, I am not denying your visit. They just don't want to spend the night.
H: That's fine VGE. I'm not forcing the boys. Eventually, when this D is over they will be spending the night on my visitation days. I will be marrying OW and the boys will be staying with us.
I responded 30 minutes later since he still hadn't picked them up.I just asked if he was on his way and he said yes. so he picked up the boys around 8p and dropped them off around 11p. Never called or text to let me know nor did I text him since I figured he picked them up late anyway.
When H mentioned that he was going to spend the night with our boys at his parent's house, I was ok with it but my DS16 wasnt. He was so upset because its going to my inlaws hm where my sons know where they stand and they are terribly hurt. The boys did tell him in person that they didn't want to spend the night but didn't give him great detail.
Anyway, so now the D is getting uglier by the minute. I truly believe with my heart that my H wants everything - children, home, stuff, money without me attached. I think he wants me to die. This hurts beyond belief.
Today - I sent an email to him (approved by my atty)requesting money for bills due. He sent this huge email about how little money he has and has been borrowing money left and right. He said he'll give me whatever he can.
I haven't responded. I knew he was going to do this. I don't see why he thinks I'm asking for all of his money - I'm not.
I asked for utilities for the month, cell phone for the month, groceries for 2 wks, gas for 2 wks, insurance for the month, one time sports registration fees for two of our children, chemo copays and 2 credit card pymts. Nothing extra!! He went ballistic! Especially over my 2 cc pymts. He said that his CC were maxed out by me and he has cancelled them to pay them down. ??
Guess what?, His cc were used to secure hotel stays to visit his other son (from the affair) and for food and gas expenses over there. He had the card in his possession the whole time so I don't know why he thinks I maxed them out?
I am not going to die. I am going to live a long healthy life until Jesus comes back or until God wills but until then - I'm here!!!
The stress of his stuff is unbelievable. I am not trying to be mean or a b****.
I've told my boys and my friends that I don't hate my H. I forgive him. I don't want to make this so difficult. I am simply trying to help the boys spend time with their dad and run the home as best as I can.
The boys and I had a family counseling session and it was so painful to hear. They don't respect their dad. They don't want to be around OW and her kids. They love him but truly hate what he's done and continues to do. They feel the stress I'm under and seems like they want to take the stress away from me but I tell them that I can handle it. It's not their job to carry the weight. My precious babies hate this cancer so much and want to help me not stress. What kind of unbelievable weight is that for my babies to carry? I pray the Lord will help them be strong, courageous, loving and merciful. They shouldn't have to keep this pressure. I try to not stress in front of them but they don't need me to say it - they see it, they feel it. Lord help them!
My mediation is set for the end of next month. My atty wants more $ and now I'll have to pay for mediator and more atty hours. UGH!!!
Y'all's advice is amazing and truly appreciated. I also appreciate the great words of encouragement and prayers. To God be the glory. Continued prayers for strength, courage, wisdom, and Holy Favor.
Tough! Life is rough for him/ $$ - guess YOU must be on vacation or something?! Also, let atty take the hits, ok? 
p.