Responses to old thread Job Yes this I believe is from childhood issues of being poor. H portrays to the world that he is this confident man, but I often see a truer picture of him. He has always spent a lot of time on how he looks, the clothes he wears. He also does not let people get close to who he really is. He is a quiet person who keeps to himself a lot with only a few friends.
Mighty I agree, and YES I will "DO ME". I can dress myself, and I know when something looks right or not.
Toots Yes these are some deep issues in my H that he needs to work out within himself.
Soo...I went to an event with some friends, H saw me getting dressed and said "I really like that jumpsuite, maybe you can wear it to the wedding" I just shook my head and smiled and said "actually this was one of my options I was thinking about wearing" I then showed him another dress (I know feeding the monster) and he was like "I like that one too"
I just told him again "thanks for the advice and don't worry about what I'm wearing" "I will be all good"
I'm going to let it go, from now on WHEN he "helps" me dress I will say "thanks" and wear whatever I planned on wearing, this is an ongoing issue that I just need to stop addressing for now.
I did tell him "IF I ask for your advice, its when I'm trying to decide on something and I appreciate your input" But other then that, I'm good and will wear what I want.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Well done! I think you handled the dressing issue quite well.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So my new title "I'm doing better" it's so true. And I'm so happy that I'm better and moving forward in a positive way.
I don't feel the need to post as often, cause I guess I really don't "dwell" on the issues with my H, and the current state of our marriage as much.
I "think" sometimes that my H and I are slowly getting better, but I don't think about it much.
I believe my expectations are now very low as it relates to my M. I don't really expect R type situations with my H.
I do expect more sometime then he is able to provide as it relates to s14. BUT I just don't think this is something I will give him a "break" on, I don't think you can take a "time out" from being a parent.
H went to his home town for an overnight stay and my "goodbye and have a great time" was so honest and real and I was glad he was going to be out of the house and maybe have some FUN!
I know my H and I will always be friends, no matter what happens to our marriage. I don't know what he sees or thinks about our marriage or me, OMGoodness I just realized as I typed this, that I have not even had to stop myself from having a R talk, have not even thought about having one. WOW
My daily routine revolves around me and my s14. I'm doing better. And with that, I now truly know that I will be GREAT.
This "on hold" marriage has been pushed to the side by me, I can still see it, but its not in my way of me moving forward anymore.
I give all the credit to GOD, and I thank GOD for leading me to this site and for the people here who are and have helped me thru.
JOB- can I ask what your name means, like why did you select it? I think of JOB from the bible.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Sure, you can ask me what JOB means. They are the initials of my first, middle and my maiden last name.
I'm glad to see that you are happy and moving forward on your path. Leave your h in God's hands. Okay?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
2B, you sound good, I enjoyed reading all the positives in your post. Like you said, we come to a point where our day does not revolve around our sitch anymore. It's a part of our life, but does not define our happiness.
Is your cruise coming up? S and I go in a month, we are so looking forward to it
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Oh man, 2b.... So much more similar than I thought! Xh was also poor. Very. But always took very good care of what he had.
Appearances meant a lot. To him, that is. It was very interesting, leaving our small town, when we got to his first station after basic training. We had some $ in the bank and he had an entirely different life. The joes would call him a backstreet boy. They all thought he was born with a silver spoon. But xh would never tell otherwise. He never, to this day, let on to what it was really like for him. People would be floored.
That part is interesting to me, as to him sharing that part of his life w HWW. Since they work together... He would never let his personal life into work. Not even pics of his family. Must have been embarrassed of us too?
Anyway... Wow.:. Totally went in, didn't i?!
But, I just find more and more commonalities of these peeps. Interesting.
M4, our cruise is next June, I wish it was coming up sooner. But is fun planning, saving and preparing for it. We are thinking about spending extra days In Florida before the cruise. M4 you will have a great time.
Mighty, appearance is everything to my H. He has been late to work even because he needed to pressed his pants etc.
Job, I was just curios about the meaning of your name, I was way off. LOL
Job, M4, Mighty Thanks as always for even taking the time to reply in my post, this site saved me from going cra cra.
To be able to vent it out here and talk to folks going thru same thing, very helpful.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Happy, Now I'm curious....what did you think the 3 letters stood for?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job For some reason I had it stuck in my head, that you had selected the name from the bible- Job, as in Job from the bible.
Im sitting here excited and waiting on 4 grandkids to arrive, 2mos, 4year, (2) 10 year olds. I invited them over for food and movies and snacks.
I made the crazy mistake of asking H to give me some money towards food and snacks, he complained of course, so I told him "you know what your right, this was my idea, I should not have even ask you" I told him " not going to make this into a issue, I'm excited about them coming over and I plan to stay that way'
Then as he was leaving for work he told me "thanks for getting the grandkids I know they will have a ball today" he also left out movies the kids would like to watch.
I patted myself on the back for NOT making it into an arugment for not getting myself upset. I was really ok with paying for the items myself, just wanted to get more "junk" food to kinda spoil them a little.
We are going to eat, watch movies and play games. S14 is even all ready to help out and be a good uncle:)
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
I'm so glad to read that the grandkids are coming over. All of you will have a great time. Enjoy the time you spend w/them. It's a great time to get some new photos too!
Ah...yes...Job from the bible. You know the old saying "patience of Job"? Well, dealing with crisis people, you most certainly need the patience of Job to heal yourself and travel along the path.
Have fun!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Got H a gift for fathers day. Today I announced what I planned to make for dinner. H said he wanted to go out for dinner, we went.. fast forward 1 hour, H comes to me and says "it weird I paid for dinner on fathers day" WTHeck, I told him he got his gift yesterday and he wanted to go to dinner today I did not offer to take him today for fathers day. He said I got u a gift and took you to dinner for mothers day. I reminded him he got me a gift but no dinner... but really did we need to have this conversation... Wow.
Anyway had a great day with grandkids they did not want to go home.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
H also tried to have me mark a new trash can for yard waste "this can needs to be marked" This is a can he put yard waste in and to the curb. I just said "yes it does".
Hope H marks it cause I have no plans to do it.
Wow, this dude is a mess.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Yes, he's definitely a mess. He reminds me of a sibling that wants to make sure he gets the same things that his sibling is getting, i.e., like a child.
As for marking the can...in the time he mentioned it to you, he could have marked it himself.
Gotta shake your head over some of their antics.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I feel something, like I can see or feel like H is changing again, like maybe moving to a new phase? I don't try to pay much attention to him, but I do notice that he seems to seek me out more, that his interactions with me he is not as on edge. BUT then he does do and say many things that make me feel like he is a child again or thinking with a young mind.
He wants my attention, but then again he does not.
At times he and our S14 remind of being very much alike.
When he "tells" me something wrong our son has done, he wants me to "tell" my son instead of doing it himself.
EVERYTHING around the house or about the house, H has to tell me about it.
He has been telling me for 2 days to tell s14 to wash out his helmet, but H and S14 are home every day together, H takes him to football practice each morning, so why has he just not made s14 wash his helmet when he came home?
H wants me to take care of most things, but then he resents me when I do. H wants me to be the "mom" but then he no longer sees me as a woman.
And sex performance is declining, and I can tell it really bothers H, but I know not to mention it at all.
I guess a new phase is coming or a revist of a past phase.
Once again, I'm trying to ignore H , cause right now I dont feel like riding the roller coaster. I want to sit this go round out and just watch H scream on the ride as I watch safely from the ground.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
The child is coming out to play. You will see different personalities come out to play while they are in crisis. Right now, he thinks he's on the same level w/your son and you are the authority figure "mom". He want's mom's attention, validation and affirmation. Gosh, it's so difficult when you have two teenagers in the house!
Pull up a seat and we'll share the popcorn as he rides the coaster around and around.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
H just called with great news he got a promotion at work. My 1st fear was that his shift would change and we would be home ALOT more together. I listen about his new promotion and slide in "what shift will you be working" He will keep the same 2nd shift. I was like oh cool, inside I was like THANK GOD, we are NOT ready to be home together every day.
He was very excited, more excited then he has been about anything in a very long time. Im excited for him, I told him how proud I was of him.
For the training period we will be home together, so I better get some outside the activites planned ASAP. LOL
It might affect how long we can be out of town at the wedding, but his promotion is worth it.
Job, would you like butter on your popcorn? A drink? Thanks for the company.
Cause I'm NOT getting back on for a while. I have had enough of the ride for now.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Congratulations on your h's promotion! I'm sure he's really excited about it, as well as he should be. He's worked hard and his efforts have paid off. You did excellent on validating his promotion!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi 2B - pleased to hear about that! I laughed about your 'shift' worries - glad the shifts worked out okay. As long as you make it through the training period. I sense some diary planning on the horizon and you breezing out the door to some new activities.
Weird about the helmet. It's like he sees that kind of thing as 'your' territory. But why not just deal with it? Strange..
Sounds like you're doing really well anyway!
T xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
So the other day, Friday I started to yearn for real male companionship. I wanted to go on a date, dancing, dining,stare across the table into his eyes, smile and talk way into the night. As you all know that IS NOT going to happen anytime soon, so to quickly get out of that "woe is me" mood, I turn up some reggae and danced with myself. My mood changed quickly and I was good. But I'm really missing that type of relationship. I would even be happy with some just talking way into the night, about any and every thing.
I also have already started to think about my wedding anniversary in August, and trying to prepare my mind to expect NOTHING. At this time I plan to not even get my H a card, no gift, nothing, and I kinda feel like I dont want him to get me anything either, to just let the day go with neither one of us making mention of it.
Maybe it was the wedding I went to this weekend, and the upcoming one with H's family next week, that got me all mushy and thinking and yearing for LOVE.
Then it turned into wishing my grandmother was still alive, I swear she would be able to "walk" me right thru this mess. And I really miss her, she understood me the best and could just talk to me and always make me feel like all would be ok.
HMMMM,,,I better plan some girlfriend FUN time ASAP, been soo busy with work and family things, I better get some me time in very very soon.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Things have been pretty same ole same ole around the loony bin.
Heading off to wedding this weekend with H family. He has been running around like crazy to get ready to go, its like mass confusion with H. Now last minute he wants to buy a gift, not just give gift cards and expects me to run around. NOPE told him he can go get it, I mention something 2 weeks ago, no response, then when I said how much are we putting in card 2 days ago he said he wants to get a gift off registry.
I have not included in my day tomorrow to go get a gift, so I told him he can pick one up when we get into town day before wedding and get it wrap. He will need to be involved in this last minute decision.
He drove s14(will be s15 tomorrow) crazy with picking out his outfit, son hated the pants, so I purchased him a different pair, Yes, H is still trying to dress us all for this wedding.
Anyway, need to stop read some posts and see what everyone is up to. I have not been posting much lately, I just don't have the energy to put into this mess with H. I'm mentally in a great place and I pray I can stay here.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
OH, so I don't wear my wedding ring when out with H, just a choice, I wear it most other times.
So for this upcoming wedding, H's nephfew I might wear my wedding ring with H even though he does not wear his. I just find it easier to wear to avoid questions and looks. BUT hmmm,,,Its up for debate. ON 2nd thoughts, why pretend for his family? Hmmm,,,if I leave it at home, it will not be an option.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Happy, You sound good and grounded. I think you did the right thing in advising him that if he wanted to give a gift, he could get it. In today's world, many new couples like money and/or gift cards so that they can purchase what they want and when they need it. But, if he wants to purchase a gift, so be it. LOL!
He's having a difficult time getting himself put together for this wedding...isn't he? You would think he was the Best Man or something and not just a guest. Talk about putting on a dog and pony show. Oh, well, maybe he will run himself ragged and finally settle down once he gets there.
You, on the other hand, are very cool, calm and collected and will look smashing! I do hope that you can enjoy the wedding and have some fun. Whether you wear your ring or not, it's up to you.
Travel safely and have some fun.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes, I'm really feeling like I'm in a good place and I want to stay here for a while.
I spoke to mother of the groom and she also said the couple will be very happy with money and or gift cards. Oh well, let H run crazy for a gift. I will be relaxing with my sisnlaw and enjoying being away from home for a lil bit.
S15 and I are pretty packed and ready to GO.
H, poor thing has like 2 suits he is taking he cannot decide before he leaves home. SMH.
Also H has been home every evening this week with us, since his work schedule changed this week, and thank GOD I'm in a good place. It has not cause me much stress, not like I expected with him being here right after work.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
So ride down great, saturday with H family great, wedding great. H wore his ring to wedding. i noticed as we went out door, i ran back and got mine We danced took pictures today, H had his arm around me called me babe.
This could be all pretend for his family, but I went with it, with the knowledge that once home we will/probably/might be back hard core full into MlC land.
But this weekend we were husband and wife and I enjoyed it.
Getting on road back home tomorrow.
Roller coaster is high up now, but thia not my first time at rodeo, on way home I will tighten my seat belt and get ready for the long drop down.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Oh I PRAYED with my H and s15 that we would have a great trip, and we would communicate well and understand each other.
And my prayers were answered.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Ok, kinda weird H is still using "babe" again when referring to me.
H is being VERY sweet to me, agreeing with anything, not debating anything I'm saying.
Oh shoot what is going on, strapping myself in, putting on my steel toe boots, putting on a helmet...not sure what is going on, but I know better then to let my guard down.
Ring update: He did only wear his ring to the wedding, that day only and not since. I wore my ring that day also ( normally I wear my ring whenever I'm not with H, LOL)
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Happy, Enjoy the time that he's being VERY sweet to you and agreeing w/everything. Why? Because tomorrow he could be moody and nasty.
I do agree...keep your guard up.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Wedding ring situations can be so weird. After my BD, I took off my wedding ring and showed up at a school event without it. H got upset and said we should still be wearing our rings? So we do even though he told me he was "done with me." H also had a poor upbringing and focuses on keeping up appearances.
I am in a similar sitch as this week H is so normal. Since last Friday he has been "playing house." Like you I know something crazy must be brewing. I am trying to enjoy the respite.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
So there is this jazz festival this weekend, and I love jazz and I want to go Saturday & Sunday.
I'm planning to invite my GF and to see if S15 wants to go with me. THEN I thought if H came home and said he was going to festival and did not ask me, I would put on my DB face, smile and tell him to have a great time, but inside I would be a lil hurt that he did not ask me.
BUT I know we are not in that place right now. But then I thought should I ask H, since I would want him to invite me?
Then, I got mad, about this whole situation, I mean I have a H on paper ONLY, I don't want no paper H. So then I was like I'm ready to end this whole mess, ready to tell H time is up, either work on this M or get ready to move out and get a D!!!!
I would love to be able to go to Jazz festival with H and s15, listen to music, and enjoy ourselves...
Oh I had sent him a text message the other day about a concert next Feb, ask if he wanted to go and there was NO response back on that topic. He has been working OT since we got back, but he found time to ask me to hang his shirts up and to ask me to see if there was a community yard sale this weekend....so since he did not reply to that invite at all. SO I already moved onto my GF to see if she wanted to go.
I guess I kinda know I should just plan this festival outings with my GF's and son, and leave it alone.
Back to the whole messed up situation, it's times like these when I want my H to enjoy things with me and I know I can not depend on that, cannot expect that from him.
It's times like these that I feel like I need to force the issue, cause I feel like my H could continue like we are for way longer then I want to/should/ or need to.
Maybe it's time for some R talk, H is all comfy with the way things are, no pressure, he has his wife and son and a nice home, a job good and that is what the world sees and he is happy putting on that show.
I feel like I'm the only one really "dealing" with the realness of this whole mess. I don't think H feels much of anything about this situation.
I'm tired of my H and this situation, and in typing out this post, I will not invite H to the jazz festival I will invite my friends and my son and keep moving forward.
I really only thought to invite H because he has limited working hours this weekend since he is in training and he will be around the house more then usual this weekend, and I thought back to a while ago when he mentioned/hinted about me not inviting him places...
Maybe he can be home for the community yard sale?
OK, I'm all over the place with this invite.
Heck, I'm all over the place about this whole entire marriage, but I'm know for sure 100% sure Im tired and I'm getting closer each day to wanting a decision, work on marriage or get a D.
Ok, need advice, need support? Please and Thanks
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Why not extend the invitation and if he wants to go, he'll go. Keep your dial on no expectations.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am following your sitch right along because last week something did shift in my H and he moved into a different "age" similar to where your H is now. He now updates me on house stuff too! So weird. I am reading all the advice you get!
Personally, I have gone with the strategy of trying hard to pattern the behavior I want to see him pattern toward me. (I think this was one of the things you also considered doing, too.)
So, with zero expectations (I think of H as house guest, not H) I invite him nonchalantly. I just say: we're going to x, if you want to come feel free to join along. I mention whatever it is (whether it's this afternoon or something in two weeks) as I am on my way out the door. I kind of don't "wait" on his answer as I noticed early on this seemed to be too much pressure for him and he waffled. I kind of do it "in passing" but very politely. Like I would invite a house guest. If it's something that requires him to answer, I just say "if you want to come let me know so I can buy you a ticket."
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
H is in training for a new position so his working hours are all over the place. So he comes homes yesterday and s15 is at friends and Im out with my friends at happy hour. H called me several times, he then called my mom, had my mom calling me, once I notice the missed calls, I call my H, he wanted to know where we were, I told him, ask him what he wanted and he said he was calling to see what was for dinner! I then later text H and tell him that my friends H hs joined up at happy hour and and asking my H if he was stopping by.
H stops by happy hour, he comes in and my friend H and my H go outside to talk for 5 secs, they come back in and H tells my friend that he brought over the DVD she ask to borrow...
My friend is puzzled, saying she did not ask for a DVD, H says oh I thought you did and handed the DVD to friends H and then my H left the happy hour, he was there for like 10 min total.
Everyone was puzzled and staring at me when H left, my friend was like did I ask you for a DVD, I said no, she said did you tell your H that I wanted a DVD so he would come here, I said NO, then my friend was like your H is acting diffrente, and she brought up the last time my H stopped into the happy hour months ago, and said he was stopping by on his way to get his medicine, but had his meds with him and ask for water to take them. My friends then had commented on how my H was dressed to come out of the house, H was dressed in his yard work clothes, and that had surprised everyone then because H is always over dressed.
So friend tells me, your H is home and he probably stopped by here to see who was here and what you were doing, so maybe you should go home. I went home and H had went and picked up s15 and gotten dinner, so we ate and watched a movie.
Now this morning, I ask H are you working today, H said no, so I ask if he wanted to go to Jazz festival, he says no "its too crowded", then he said I wanted to take you guys to drive in movie last night but you guys were not home.
I said we had no plans, and that s15 and I were both in the neighborhood and when I called him, he could have said he wanted us to go to drive in.
I feel like H is reaching out, maybe and now I'm not sure how to respond. I don't want to open myself back up now to my H, I know it's too soon, and I don't want to get back into that crazy emotional mess that I was.
Job & HaWho I will take your advice and offer invites with ZERO expectations from H.
Today, I had flash back of how it use to be H expecting me to sit around and wait until H decided what he wanted to do before I make my plans, I don't want to ever go back to that.
So as long as my friends are still planning to go to the festival I'm going with them. Unless H has plans to invite s15 and I someplace that I feel like I will have just as great a time as the festival, if not H and S15 will enjoy a father and son Saturday.
Dang, is this maybe movement into a new phase, I'm putting on my heart shield.
Oh and when H came into the happy hour he came and gave me a hug.
Last edited by 2BHappy; 07/18/1502:04 PM.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Found out yesterday that s15 has A1C levels that are in pre-diabetic range. I was very upset this disease is on both side of my family.
I talk to H first, then H calmed me down and we talked to S15 together, H did most of the talking and I was grateful that he seems to be all there, no MLC fog, very clear and very supportive.
For now we are to repair his diet, and help s15 to lose some weight, he is very active with football and has muscles but still needs to shed a few pounds. His diet is what needs a major overhaul. H told S15 we all would change our diets we all will become more active. S15 will be re-tested in 6months, but I have told s15 this is a wake up call and these changes needs to be made for life especially due to our family history.
Praying and giving this as always to GOD.
And thanked GOD my H was able to really be present and there and involved in this conversation. I was worried he would not take it seriously, tell me I was over reacting (he did ask me to NOT over react). I was worried H would be "there but not really there". So glad he put a plan in place and he lead the conversation with our son.
H right away repaired my stat bike, will repair my other bike so I can take rides with s15.
He said after football we will hire a trainer for son, all take walks, and go to the Y together.
H was really present, clear.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
H working 1shift and being home after work with s15 and I has been an adjustment for me. I found myself yesterday "picking" with H, and I feel like I'm forcing myself to NOT ignore him. Like I'm keeping my reg routine but then I feel "bad" about ignoring him. I feel like I should be helping to make him feel happy about being home with us, but s15 and I are like "ignoring" him. S15 ask yesterday "did Dad get fired and you guys are keeping this from me" I was like NO he is in training and working 1st shift. S15 looked bothered by the mere presence of his dad being home, we are both like avoiding him, running to our separate rooms after dinner.
I know this is NOT something I have to fix, and I know its based on the current situation. I do wish s15 was happy to have H home and wanting to spend time with his dad.
Just wanted to vent/post this out, it is very draining to have H home every evening, but I also wish in a way he was always home in the evening are at least weekends, but then again,,,,not with the current way our M is, not the way he ALWAYS have something NEGATIVE to say, always seems to be "barking" orders or instructions or even questions.
This is a true reminder that H working 2nd and 3rd shifts was a blessing in disguise, otherwise I don't think this MCL situation would have gone a "smoothly" as it has?
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
LMAO, did I just post that this went "smoothly" please belive that was the nicest word I could think of.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
H and S15 are going to H's hometown 2day and staying overnight. H has even said he plans to spend some time with his D32, that is something he has NOT mentioned or even tried to do in years.
I'm glad s15 and H will be spending some quality time together, and S15 will visit with some family on his dad's side.
H also declared family night last night, we all went to drive in movies and feel asleep, but we all said we had a great time. LOL
NOW I have a free unexpected weekend. Going to dinner, movies with girlfriend and trying to plan more things to fill up my weekend.
Last edited by 2BHappy; 07/25/1503:34 PM.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
S15 & H had great time visiting family and friends this weekend.
H was a lil upset that he did not get to spend time with his D32 she had plans and they were not able to meet up. I was surprised a lil that H seemed to be bothered by it, there have been times when it seem to be too draining for him to even try to connect with his D32.
Also, something else we when went to drive-in movie I was texting friends changing and making plans for weekend, H was NOT happy ask me who I was texting and ask me if I had plans for that night already,,,,I just told him I was texting my friend to change plans S15 and I had...but H was NOT happy and was trying to see my text messages. LOL
S15 will be away at at 2 day camp this week, not sure what H work schedule will be, I felt like I want to bring up our M our R, so I hope I can keep my mouth SHUT, I dont want to waste my energy at all, and I dont want to be the one who brings it up anyway...
Anniversary is coming next month, I'm planning to not even get a card for H, no gift, no card, no mention of it. If H gets me something, I don't know how I will respond...I guess just say Thank You?
Today I ask myself how much longer can I should I do this..."standing" "waiting" and my answer was I will TRY until S15 graduates from HS, which will be like OMGoodness May 2018, 3 more years,,,,WOW not sure,,,,not sure,,,
I see VERY small signs of H "trying" to come back, no idea what stage he is in.
Just feeling needy right now:(
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Happy, The stage doesn't matter...what matters is that he is reaching out just a bit. Look at the positives and go from there.
I had to chuckle about the drive-in movie texting (yours). He was curious as to who you were texting and I wonder if he thinks you may have been texting a man. LOL!
I hope your son enjoys the camp and that you can find things to do to help you keep your mind off your relationship w/your h.
As for the anniversary, I would get a generic card to have on hand. If he does something for you and you don't have anything to share w/him, you may very well feel like a chump. Get a card...they aren't that expensive. If he gets you something, just say thank you and if you like the item tell him you do.
As for waiting...you can still stand and continue moving forward. Nothing says that you stand still.
Snap that rubber band!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
S15 off to camp, H was prepared to take him, but miscommunication or maybe H ignore me, but I took him this morning. H made sure to give him words of support before we left, which was very nice of H. I seen another glimpse of H sticking his head out of the tunnel with his words, most of the times his support comes in a tough love speech, but today it was all nice and supportive.
I don't have an issue with tough love, but it's when and how it's deliver that I notice our S15 accepts it or NOT.
I will take Job advice and have a non-mushy (almost impossible to find) anniversary card for H, got a whole month to find it:). I may even get a just in case gift for H (still debating this one)But that is all about that date, no plans to dwell on it, made decision moving on.
I have not made any GAL's YET for while s15 is at his 2 day camp, but I will probably do some deep cleaning of S15 room:). There are some things around the house I need to really spend time doing, not that I could not do them while S15 is home...
Not as focused on being home alone with H, I think he will be working 2nd shift both days:)
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
WOW Came home from work had stopped off and picked up my dinner, ,,, Walk in door and H is home he is grilling steaks and I said "oh I thought you were at work"..."are we having company" He said "don't make a big deal of it,,,I just wanted to tell you that I appreciate the great mother you are to our son and that I know you are a good woman"
He then ask if I wanted to invite another couple over for dinner,,,
I was speechless, I said I could not think of anyone to invite over last minute...
I offered him some of the meal I had picked up,,,told him thank you and that this is very nice.
I did my workout, showered and now waiting on dinner.
1) I hope my food is not poisoned (joking,,,I hope) 2) I know that some MLC's get really nice before they drop another nasty surprise bomb.
But I will be sure to NOT make a big deal of it (part of why I declined to invite another couple) and I will enjoy the food and his company.
BUT I will have my eyes wide open!!!! I have no idea what is really going on or what this is all about.
TOO bad I cannot just sit back and really enjoy it without the doubts!!!!
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Enjoy the meal. It's not often a mlcer will go out of his way and prepare a meal. Sometimes there is no reason for what they do.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Wow 2B, that was really nice of your H, especially his comment. Try not to question his niceness. It's what you want more of, right? And you don't want him to sense your wariness or doubts, otherwise he may stop doing it.
Enjoy the moment, he wouldn't do those nice things if he didn't want to. MLC is all about selfishness, so when he breaks that mold with you, I don't see any harm in letting him know how much it means to you. As for you, enjoy it! Don't worry about when or if he will reach out again. Take it for what it is at that moment
It's one step at a time, one day at a time.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Dinner was great, H even had one of my fav wines chilled and ready. We watched a stand up comedy and H laughed more then I've heard him laugh in long time. We talked about s15 just a little bit. H told me about one of his buddies at work, a new friend.
I enjoyed the night with H, and I did let him know that it was very nice and Thanked him.
After ML, H did not run to his basement and hide, he stayed in our bed.
I noticed yesterday also that H has more eye contact with me now, for some time he was avoiding eye contact with me...just something I observed.
I did not make a BIG deal of it last night, and I will continue on as I have been.
Hmmm,,,hate that I'm still thinking "what is he up to" "what/when is the next nasty bomb drop"
Oh well
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
I'm glad the evening went well and he stay upstairs! LOL!
Continue as you have been and let's see what he does next.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
H just had a TV lil melt down, so the TV in our bedroom has gone out. He ask me to go purchase another TV...I ask some questions ask him to move old TV and he storms into room and starts yanking TV, i was like he is a foolish person, told hin to stop before he messes up furniture, he said he does not have time to look for a TV and he needs the TV to sleep (always sleep with tv on)... I raised my voice told he him was acting crazy over a tv and to go on to work. WTh
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Some people react that way and it's not because they are all in MLC. Could have been something else was stressing him, but...
He probably got stressed out because you were asking questions and he thought you were possibly challenging him about moving the old TV versus going out to get a new one. It could have also been that he thought you were wanting him to go purchase the TV and he didn't have the time to go get one today.
They do have those little temper tantrums and I call them "teething". He'll be fine in a little bit.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job Yeah, he was usually calm and cool BD. He was speaking very loud, it was more then normal MLC or not.
He was saying he did not have time, but I was not asking him to get a TV today he was the one who had to have the TV replaced today.
Now anything else breaks around the house he waits until it has to be fixed or replaced or becomes dangerous there are several things need fixed or replaced that is more important than a TV,...bathroom window has a crack...just one example.
Later s15 said he thought we were arguing, that is how loud H was talking and stomping atound about a TV,
OH WAIT, just remember before TV issue H was committing about how busy Ive been and that I always have events to attend, I had been snarky in reply and told him I had stuff planned wed-sunday next week,
Soooo maybe this is really what the outburst about the TV was really about?
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Job Yeah, he was usually calm and cool BD. He was speaking very loud, it was more then normal MLC or not.
He was saying he did not have time, but I was not asking him to get a TV today he was the one who had to have the TV replaced today.
Now anything else breaks around the house he waits until it has to be fixed or replaced or becomes dangerous there are several things need fixed or replaced that is more important than a TV,...bathroom window has a crack...just one example.
Later s15 said he thought we were arguing, that is how loud H was talking and stomping atound about a TV,
OH WAIT, just remember before TV issue H was committing about how busy Ive been and that I always have events to attend, I had been snarky in reply and told him I had stuff planned wed-sunday next week,
Soooo maybe this is really what the outburst about the TV was really about?
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
The TV is very important to him because it's "white noise" and he has to have it on in order to sleep. This "white noise" is very important to him. To him, the other stuff is "fluff" and not as important because they do not impact his sleep.
He was in a funk over the broken set and didn't think that you were asking questions, not telling him to get a new set. Communications were dropped during this exchange because he misinterpreted what you were asking of him.
Your snarky reply could have set him off as well. Really, no one knows what stirs up those angry emotions for these guys. One minute they are calm and the next they've blown up over something minor.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
He really has difficult almost impossible time sleeping without a tv on.
If I turn it off he wakes up.
Communication, something H and I would need to really work IF only....
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
I believe my H may have some health issues that he needs to have checked out. H is constanly complaining about pains in legs, and back. H has high blood pressure and gout.
I also strongly believe something is going on with his "male parts", things are NOT working like they use to, and I don't think H is of the age where there would be a decline to this level....or could it be?
Just praying he goes to Dr for a complete checkup. No he has not gotten his prostrate exam or a colonoscopy, I have begged him to do both when he turned 50.
He did comment the other day while using the restroom after we had ML,,,that what else could be wrong now....he was just talking aloud to himself...sounded so very sad:(
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Sounds like he's got some health issues that need to be checked out...but he's not ready to do so. The man doesn't want to accept that he's getting older and w/aging, comes some health issues. BTW, yes, he's at the age where there can be a decline in his levels. You might want to do an internet search and read on men's issues so that you have a better understanding of what he might be dealing with.
If he mentions the pains again, gently suggest that he might want to consider seeing a physician. Don't push too hard, gently suggest it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Things have been pretty quiet for me and my MLC. I believe I have truly gotten to the point where I'm living my life and moving forward. I don't feel much towards the whole situation, I move forward without the "what if's", without the "fear" of if H will one day up and leave, or have another A, I know that I will be GREAT. S15 is being a teenager, which is to be expected, and I hope I'm managing that well.
H is making some progress I think, he seems to be reconnecting with D32.
H has also gone to see the Dr, he let me know he was going, but I did not hear back on what the Dr said...
I have noticed, it seems like MAYBE H is not as "sad", he is laughing a lil more, making jokes. H seems to NOT be as tense around me, I can ask normal questions without him being on defense or getting "bothered"
I swear sometimes I forget that we are in this situation? Until I see a couple out somewhere looking very much in love, or my friends have "date nights" with their husbands, or a song comes on the radio that we use to love to listen to together, or I watch a romantic movie...but for the most part I really don't "think" too much about it.
I do wish his work schedule allowed him to be at more events for our son, but this has always been an issue even before BD.
I just wanted to drop in and give a lil update.
I will admit I have not been reading many other posts on here, I needed a break from those, cause sometimes it's just too sad, and I'm in/was a place where I need a "sad" break.
But I will read and post support to those also in need on here, cause I know how it feels...
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Sometimes you have to take a break from the forum. People understand this...so do not feel guilty about it.
I'm glad to read that your h made an appointment w/his physician. It could be that he got some good news and that's why he's laughing a bit more. People tend to fret about health issues for a while before they see someone and then discover it's normal or nothing to worry about. Hopefully the news he received was all good.
Your h is baking up nicely. He still needs some time in the MLC oven, but at least he's starting to reconnect w/family.
You sound very grounded these days and I'm glad. You've had a rocky road to travel and hopefully things will start to settle down for you and your family.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So last night H was not feeling well ao he took off work, s15 was at movies, so H suggested we have a cocktail and he showed me a card game he use to play. It was a nice evening.
I see my progress...after a very nice time with H the next day Im not thinking much about it, not dwelling on it, not wondering if this is the start of him coming back to our M.
I know he still has alot of work to do.
GaL for today, going to see a movie alone something I enjoy and have not done alone in a while. Have a great day everyone.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
I had made plans to go to my cousin's going away party. S15 and I ran some errands, H calls to tell me he is not working today and ask when we would be home.
We get home I tell H of my plans, invited him to go, he declined and responded that he has made all this food now what (H had cooked while s15 and I was running errands). I told him again I had plans and he was invited and I had no clue he would be home today and cooking.
I went off to Cousin's party, H and S15 stayed home, about 2 hours later S15 & H show up at party. Everyone was happy to see H and joked with him that they are glad to see he is still alive and not buried in the basement..(by me),,,
H is there for maybe 1hour, heads home, I leave a couple hours later and s15 stays even longer.
When I get home, H is waiting for us to eat dinner with him, even though we all ate at cousins.
I ended up having a very small amount, and H and I watched a movie.
Not sure why H did not work, he said he went and they had too many people on staff and he was able to come home since he has so much OT, AND had not been feeling well.
H never misses work unless he is VERY sick, not even before BD. So I hope his explanation was the truth. And he does not pass up OT pay options...
I'm seeing him being more interested in spending time with me and S15, not like at BD when he had mandatory family movie night and seem to be going thru the motions, he seems to enjoy time with us a lil more.
BUT, I'm staying on guard, staying alert. I cannot let my guard down at this time, I know H still has much work to do, and I know I'm still working on myself trying to be better each day.
Any ideas what is going on with H, what phase he could be in? Just wondering...I know it does not really matter, but curious.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
It's had to say where he is right now in his crisis. Only he may know what's going on w/him and why he's doing the things he's doing.
Please, please stop trying to figure out what phase he's in. He's in crisis and until he's completed his crisis, his emotions will be all over the place. One minute up, the next down. One minute he wants to be w/you and your son and the next he doesn't. Learn to accept him for who he is right now, which is possibly a teenager trying to grow up to be 21.
He crisis clock is slow while your clock is fast. He will get through is crisis at his own pace and when he's faced and dealt w/his issues. Until that time...he's still baking in the MLC oven.
Keep the focus on you and your son. If your h is doing something nice, recognize him for this and keep your expectations at zero.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Job, I ask the phase cause I ignored my H alot on our past, and I dont want to miss something important. Will I really know when he is done? Or does it gradually happen and one day its over? I guess H has lots of time left in the oven. I could see my H just wanted to continue on as if nothing has happened. I do now realize I will feel when Im done standing, no time line set in stone, as I get more in tuned with me, I know I will know when H time is Up.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Happy, They gradually go into mlc and they will gradually come out of it. The crisis will be over when he's done the work on himself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My anniversary is next week. I need to find my "non-mushy, non-love filled" anniversary card, and maybe a gift. I will give H the card, not sure about a gift just yet.
At the start of this year, when I put in vacation time from work, I requested my anniversary and the day after, I was being hopefull that this year,,,just maybe...well now I will cancel those days, use them somewhere else, kinda sad about it, BUT this will be the 2nd anniversay since BD, so I'm able to move thru the emotions quickly and focus elsewhere on the positives in my life!
My H is still in the oven cooking, peaking out every now and then, reaching our every now and then to see if I'm still there standing outside the stove,,,checking every now and then to see if H is done.
H latest worry is now about his job, every day someone is being fired and now H is worried that he might be next. Also orried that the days he took off being sick is going to affect him...
I also think that since he is worried about his job, this may be why he has been extra attentive to me and what I'm doing, doing extra work around the house, being extra agreeable,,,he knows if he loses his job he will need me even more,,,just wondering if this is where all this "extra" is coming from?
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Need advice I really dont want to get a anniversary card for H. I DONT know if he will this year or not, I planned to have a card in case he did. But now I dont want to get a card or just in case gift. I dont want to even pretend to celebrate that day....why even acknowledge it when H is still not wearing his ring, still whatever he is. Then on the other hand, I wonder how he would feel if he got me something and I dont do the same...then I think oh well...so what. What do u guys think, anniversary is tuesday.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
You are over thinking the situation. Get a generic card and keep it handy. I wouldn't get a gift. If he gets you something, you can always take him out for a quick bite or a movie as his "gift". If he doesn't acknowledge the day at all, then don't give him the card unless you really want to. This is your call.
As for him wearing his ring, you shouldn't base your relationship concerns on whether he's wearing it or not. I would put the ring issue on hold and leave it alone for now. He's still at home and doing things w/you and your family once in a while...that tells me he's still there for now.
Again, it's your decision as to what you want to do about the card. Me, personally, I would get a generic card and have it handy...just in case he gets you one.
You had the same issue last year and got him a card and this is what happened:
UPDATE
H left me a gift of a GPS with a post it note "No card, same to you"
I did not expect a gift at all. So I thanked him and ask if there was anything he wanted. He mentioned some boots that he has kinda ask for on his bday, fathers day and last christmas...so when I got home I told him to let me know where they were..I went ahead and ordered them for a gift for bday, fathers day and anniversay.
we the night sitting on deck way into the night just talking WOW it was better then old times, we LOL at the crazy things our son does, LOL at family, and just LOL in general. NO talk about our M or R or even mention of anniversay. It was kinda like how you would talk and LOL on a date, just enjoying each others company.
We then ML. It was great!
BUT I know he is not out of the tunnel, not ready to fully return to M (if ever) and this was a small peak into how it could be. I hope he felt that way too, but I will continue to work on myself, GAL etc.
Oh before I came home I ran some errands, got home alot later then I normally do, and instead of H calling me to ask me where I was, H harrassed our son about my whereabouts, even telling son maybe she is over cousins and made son ride bike around corner to see if I was there..when I got home H said where were you did you have to work late,,,I was like a little and changed the subject (that was mystery).
Maybe you will have another little surprise waiting for you this year. You just don't know and can't "assume" what he will or won't do or say.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Job, I just feel differently this year. But I will get a grneric card and give it him just in case. Lasy year was better then I expected, but this year I can tell I dont feel the same.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Of course you feel different this year. You've grown and learned a lot about yourself over the last 12 months. Your h has inched his way along and he's still got a ways to go, or as I say his baking time isn't up in the MLC oven.
It's up to you what you want to do about your anniversary. We can give you advice, but at the end of the day...it's on you to make the decision that is right for you. If you don't want to purchase a card, then don't.
I will pray on this and I do appreciate al the advice. I just dont feel the need to acknowledge our anniversary. That is what Im feeling right now... But a just in case card...that feels like something I should/could do. But it feels fake somehow...hmmm I need to just pray on it.
Last edited by 2BHappy; 08/22/1502:55 PM.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
IDK 2B....Based on your H this last year, I think he will address your anniversary one way or another...
I know your feelings have changed but obviously you care about this day otherwise you wouldn't be worried about it. So, I am not a card person, but if that is something you normally do, then I think having one on hand is a great idea. H and I don't do cards but would instead make a favorite dessert, like brownies, or get a favorite wine, or I would get H his favorite candy....something simple but thoughtful.
Make it your day, plan one of your favorite meals to make that way it is special for you no matter what. Plan something nice for YOU, keep expectations aT zero, and see what happens. Just my 2 cents.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
M4, those are great ideas. And I agree if I did not really care, I would not give it a 2nd thought.
I swear H can sense when as I pull more away, he is falling me around the house as Im cleaning just talking about any and everything... Saying that he is going to make adjustments to hi work schedule to attend more of s15 football games. Very talkative today.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
H just announced once he starts to feel better he is going to take martial arts and might compete again in tournaments. Hmmmmm....ok
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
MLeigh has given you some good ideas on what to do for your anniversary. You can even go one step further and do something really nice for yourself on that day, i.e., purchase some nice flowers, schedule a spa day, go out to your favorite eatery, etc.
As for hubby, some nice little treats at the house where he can snack away. Maybe even a ticket to a movie he's been wanting to see. Gifts for anniversaries can be so over rated at times, just like Valentine's Day. It's the thought that counts...but whatever you do, do it because you want to, not because you feel obligated to do so.
You both have great ideas. I dont think I will treat myself, not for this occasion. I dont feel the need to celebrate our anniversary. I will get a just n case card but no gift.
Spent last night with 3 month old, Ss34 youngest child, babies are sweet and cuddly. H was happy to spend time with her this morning. S15 even enjoyed her visit, we all needed some sweet baby time. But now Im ready for parents to pick up sweet baby so I can relax, read, have glass wine and get ready for a very busy work week.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Sooo I come home today, H tells me he is meeting a friend at 645 to pick up some movies.... I start to get dressed to get ready to go to a football game. H says are u going someplace, i say yes s15 and I r going to a game, H says if he had known I had plans he would have worked OT today. I said you could have ask me...I said we never know when ur working or how late so how are we to plan our life around you? He stormed out the room, out the house and slammed the door...
I did not remind him that he just told me Saturday he planned to work OT every day...not that I would have made an effort to tell him about s15 and I plan to go to football game today ...
This is new.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
NO card or gift from H on the table (this is where he normally leaves my gifts), not yet at least?
Surprised myself, I had no long emotional fall out. I went from hmmmm interesting (did he 4get, did someone remind him last year (sisternlaw)), to sad, to mad, to "oh well" very quickly this morning.
I have my card on stand by, the card on the front says "I only have one word to say to you" inside the card all together it says "thankyouverymuch" I then planned to write under that,,, "for all you do for us" then "happy anniversary" It is a Thank You card. I went to one discount card store and could not find any non mushy cards anniversay cards so I went with this one.
SO IF he does not bring it up, I have no plans to mention it at all to him.
Dang....what does this mean?
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
So I get home Coffee maker on table with a post it note which says "i did not forget".
I dont want a anniversary gift at all. I dont need a coffee maker cause I will drink too much. What should I do, leave the thank you card and be done. OR Tell him the truth, I don't want to get an anniversary gift from a H who does not wear his ring or honor our marriage vows, he can take coffee maker back.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Dang it. He comes in door, I say thanks glad u did not forget. I dont need coffee maker, no need for you to get me a gift. why are we celebrating anniversary, with a gift. He said "I tried to do something nice". I told him thanks again, but I dont want obligation gift.
Dang I was hoping he was at work and I woukd get feedback help here.
Now what...
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Then I go to him and ask if he understands where Im coming from and that Im not being ungrateful. H says you are ungrateful. I ask if he wants to talk H says he has nothing to say. I tell him I dont want a anniversary gift, i see no reason for us to celebrate. I said birthday or Christmas but not anniversary. I ask again if he is going to respond. H says I have nothing to say. I guess he is going to work at 6. I cannot stay in house so I say Ok and slammed door (poor door) and now heading for a pedi to cool down and shut my mouth. Oh wow...this not good. I was good until H came in door, if only I had turned back and left before he came back home from wherever.
Help need advice
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
As you have pointed out previously, I can be blunt with my advice. Well, this is going to be one of those times. Have you not listened to any of the advice that the posters have given you since you came here? If you continue to behave this way towards your h, he's going to completely give up on doing anything for you and you'll be here complaining about that.
You want advice? APOLOGIZE!
I had a feeling he didn't forget. He got you a gift and you basically threw it back in his face all because he's not wearing his ring and not jumping your bones and proclaiming his undying love for you. Guess what...he's right...you were unappreciative of the effort he had made. It's the thought that counts.
Do you have any idea how many people who are going through this stuff would have been happy that their spouses remembered their anniversaries? You are a very lucky woman that still has her h at home, wants to do some things w/you and recognizes anniversaries, etc. Gosh, so many don't have that type of behavior going on. They have spoiled, selfish, self-centered people making their lives a misery.
So, my question to you is this....what are you expecting him to do for you? He's in crisis and it takes a very long time for them to get through it? One minute you want him to do something for you, the next you don't. You need to make up your mind as to whether you are going to stand for your marriage and weather the storms or bust down the door and call it quits.
You need to seriously sit down and think about whether you want your marriage and your h in your life or not. If you continue to shoot him down like this, he could very well decide it's time to call it quits. Now what are you going to do to get this back on track? I say APOLOGIZE!
I read your sitch and comment little, there is alot of focus on how upset you are over this that and the other. He did in fact get 'something' ..... you fell into a trap we all know to well called "Expectations" .... not sure what you were expecting but obviously the coffee maker fell short of that.
I have not received nor given an anniversary gift in 2 years, nor have I expected/thought it was appropriate. Seems like you were baiting a trap just waiting to toss whatever he did at him, especially if he did nothing.
Blowing up at them when they do at least show some effort, is not being the lighthouse, nor paving a smooth road home ... as job said ... you might want to really think about what you want and start pointing your ship in that direction, its hard enough as it is.
All I can say is... Job, you are right. I will apologize. And I dont know if I want to stand for this M anymore. I NEED to figure that out. , Im all ready to ignore and ready for him to continue ignoring me... Im confused, I dont want to be hurt anymore, I dont want to feel anything for him
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
I dont want this type of M anymore. Me accepting whatever he throws my way. Happy IF and when he decides he wants to spend time with me.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Happy, I don't blame your h one bit, I would ignore you too. It's better than coming out and saying something hurtful. Besides, you've hurt his feelings because he thought he was doing something nice for you. You run hot and cold. He's not a mind reader and doesn't have a crystal ball that tells him what you want on any give day. Here's what I suggest, you both need to sit down and have a conversation about gift giving. Obviously he didn't get the memo that you don't want gifts on the anniversary. If he doesn't know ahead of time, how can he know what you want? Communication is the key. Anger and acting like a spoiled young lady isn't going to get you what you want. I can just see you standing there stomping your feet telling him you didn't want the coffeemaker. Haven't I pointed out this behavior to you before?
Here's the deal, crisis people are numb to their spouses. They are depressed and they don't have feelings for us. Your h has been trying for quite some time to feel something for you. Be grateful for his baby steps.
You've been on the MLC Forum for quite some time and know what happens with the MLCer. Your h is a kinder, gentler MLCer and you should be on your knees thanking the dear Lord that he is. If you can't accept that he may be in crisis for a while longer, then maybe you need to think about doing something different. Maybe the two of you need a break from each other for a while...that will be something that you and your h will need to decide.
Continue to stomp your feet and I won't be surprised to hear that he's decided he's had enough.
I honestly do not have any more advice for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Cali you are also right on point with your feedback. I dont feel like I can continue, I just dont know
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
I really did not act out other then slamming the door I was really trying to explain to him that I did not expect a gift or to acknowledge the day at all. It was not what the gift was as much as a gift at all. I prepared to ignore the day expected him to forget, so I could deal wi th the day the best way I could.
I have spoken to H and tried to explain to H, but probably not doing a good job at all. H just said OK and he would return coffee maker since Im not suppose to have coffee often. Ok, I better just stop posting today or talking to H. I need to go to bed and pray and hope I have not caused too much damage. Im soo confused right now.
I do listen and try to apply the advice I receive here. I thought I was doing better,...
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Everyone here who has replied to me ever, I want to say Thank you very much. Job you especially have been here for me. I need to back away from eveything for a while. I dont trust myself to have any more conversation with my H as it relates to our M. I dont know how to clearly express what Im trying to say.
Thank you everyone.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Happy, I think some time away from the forum would do you a world of good. You need to put your focus on what YOU want and how YOU want to go about meeting that goal.
When you are ready to come back, we'll be here to listen and support you on whatever your decision is.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hello everyone... Just stopping in to update. I've been doing GREAT! My H is still at home and Yes, I'm surprised today I was like wow he is still here. Yes I thought he would be gone by now.
No R talks in I don't even know how long, maybe the last post was the last time.
H is existing like we are all good. I'm GREAT but our R is still in limbo.
I have a new job, which its alot of new things to learn, but I love it. Family and I had great Holiday's.
H does kiss me goodbye more often on his way to work, H is communicating better with me ( he always communicated but it does not seem as fake as it had in the last year)
NEWS FLASH- H has gone to some IC, he tells me it because of the issues he is having at work, told me a couple of things the Counselor said, asking H to go back to his childhood and discuss why he is sooo angry. He had one conversation to me about it, I told him it was a good idea and I hope it helps his job situation. H has never mentioned it again and I have not ask (this was about 1 month ago).
H is still in a fog of sorts, he has admitted to forgetting things etc.
I have been trying to lose weight, focused on my son my new job and being a better me each day!!!
I believe I'm in a very good place right now, I don't dwell or think about the what if as it relates to my M.
I'm prepared either way.
I hope others are doing good. I don't plan to read any posts at this time, sometimes I would read others posts and get more worried or upset about my situation.
I will stop back one day later and read some posts and try to provide support.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Hey Mleigh4 Thanks for thinking of me, going to find ur thread now.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Valentine Day This was the holiday where I discovered OW in 2013, I'm not always a big holiday celebrator (except for my Birthday & Christmas) but I like to celebrate a holiday about Love....
Well since 2013 not so much, last week once I realized this valentine would be on Sunday and I would be at Church I got very happy, last night I prayed to be able to look forward to Valentine again either with my H or a new person down the road, but this morning I was just happy to be going to church with my son.
H came to bed and said Happy Valentine, I said Thank You Got up this morning and there was a homemade handwritten valentine day card, inside was a heart and the words "you are the spring to my winter" another hand drawn and colored in red heart.
I made sure to tell H this was a very nice valentine card, the best one I have ever received. He also gave me a large box of chocolates.
Off to Church now, I guess I posted this for an update on my progress of how I planned to take back Valentine day despite what happened in 2013. No idea I would have a hand made card from H to also post about.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
When you least expect it, they can and will do something nice. Sounds like he put some thought into the card. I'm glad things turned out okay for you today. I hope you've got some "fun" plans for today and can just enjoy the day w/o all of the MLC drama that happened 3 years ago. It's time to reclaim Valentine's Day as one of your holidays to celebrate love.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
