Time to bury the mustard seed

[mustardseed]

links to my old posts:
Figuring this all out
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2399920&page=1
Starting to get it
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...347#Post2416347
Line in the sand
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...446#Post2458446
Feeling Resentful
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...682#Post2499682
I Think I’m Done
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2522203&page=1
Getting Back to Me
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2559030&page=1
The End
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2577941&page=1

New thread...in which it is time to start thinking about closure rather than clinging.

This past Sunday I went to my Beloved and deceased grandmother's church. The topic was the mustard seed. For the object lesson the pastor showed the kids a container of coriander from his spice rack that he said he only ever uses for when this scripture is part of the lessons. All of the adults chuckled, but it got me thinking.

There in that container was more tiny mustard seeds than anyone would care to count, yet there they sit useless in a jar. Is that what I've been doing with my own mustard seed? Waiting until I am ready to fully believe in its significant for that one right time? What is the purpose of one tiny mustard seed if it is just put on a rack and ignored until a more convenient time? And what purpose is it serving if I am keeping it in my pocket saying, hey I have it now show me it's splendor--I'm waiting---what's the hold up?

These are the two extremes I've been waffling with. Completely disregarding it until it is convenient for me, and then expecting instant miracles by obsessing over it when I feel it is all I have left to do.

The problem is, what use is a single mustard seed if it doesn't get buried? If the splendor of that tiny mustard seed is that a bountiful shrub grows from the tiniest seed, then that means that seed needs to be planted. It cannot do what it needs to do if I keep it in my pocket. In my pocket it will remain a tiny mustard seed.

So it is time for me to plant that seed. To bury it. To let it do what it needs to do to reach its full potential. I can't make it a shrub. But God can. The laws of nature and the universe can, and does with consistency.

I started exploring step 2 more in depth last night. Came to believe a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity.

Well staring at a tiny mustard seed and expecting a miracle to happen before my eyes, just because I will it to, is not sanity. So instead I will make the decision (because that is about as far as I can go today) to trust the laws of nature, God's plan. By burying that seed I am not giving up my faith, instead I am giving it the resources it needs to grow. These are not resources I can provide. Burying is planting. Closure is opportunity. My tragedy, my crisis, this nightmare of my job and my marriage is not over yet, I am still reaching the peak of this challenge, but I am starting to focus on the idea that once I get to the top of this I will be able to see what opportunities lie on the other side. I don't quite trust that as truth just yet. But I can accept it as a possibility.

So for the next phase it Is time for me to make steps towards closure.

Another thing that I am ready to understand (not quite there yet but I can take the first step in being ready for it) is that detachment is not apathy. These past few months as I climbed this miserable, torturous mountain I felt my options were to throw myself off of it (taking control that will lead to a certain--although tragic--end), or stop moving altogether, crawl into a cave, and stay put until I whither away (giving up my power completely in apathy which will also lead to a certain tragic--albeit slower and more painful tragic end).

All of you here, and my irl support system has forced me to keep taking steps forward in spite of my hopelessness. I can't see the peak of this climb, but I'm starting to sense that it is there, and that it is closer than the bottom right now. Thank you all for keeping me moving forward. For letting me rest, but getting me back on my feet before I give up. I am not thinking about throwing myself off the cliff quite as much anymore. I still flirt with the reckless behaviors that could lead to that on occasion (pleading, pursuing, lecturing in my marriage. gossiping, passive aggressive body language, and turning my back on things at work) but I am recognising the danger and pulling myself back from the edge when realize it.

So today I will prepare myself to accept that it is time to bury these things of been clinging to. It is time to accept that the peak of this crisis does exist and every day I am getting a bit closer. It is time for me to understand that clinging to a mustard seed will not make it grow--will actually prevent it from growing. Today I will make the decision to accept these things.

[mustardseed]

Last post from previous thread.

Thank you Maybell. Yesterday work was a sh!show. All of my TAs are at each other's throats. Complaining about each other to the principal. Snapping at each other and the kids. The kids were off the wall.

And of course I started my morning off with more pleading. More trying to get answers I won't ever get. Getting served divorce papers by a process server at my house on Monday--even though my lawyer had already accepted service on my behalf and sent me the papers Friday had an impact. It's like he is twisting the knife getting served twice. My lawyer is baffled at the behavior of his.

That coupled with the fact that the kids were not home gave me permission to react in unproductive, crazy making ways. Still pushing button a and expecting different results.

Anyway, it is time for a new thread.
See you over there.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2579116&#Post2579116

[mustardseed]

tests to my decision to detach. He said he had to go. I just smiled and said ok. Inside my curiosity and jealousy was bubbling to pursue for answers. But I asked nothing. Took the kids out to dinner. S13 asked where dad went. Told him I don't know with as such pma as I could muster. I will make up a story in my head to keep from obsessing. I got correspondence from my lawyer I will assume he did too and that's where he is. Honestly there is only one place I don't want him to be. The one place I am sure he is hoping I am assuming he is. But there is nothing I can do about it so I need to release the obsession and focus on me.

[ILYNOT]

I too become obsessed wanting to know where she is what shes I doing, and I am proud to say that Ive had several times, once, I wanted to open her Cell phone bill and didn't, once I saw her driving and wanted to follow and didn't, yesterday she usually goes to the gym where I go and didn't see her, but she told the kids she was there. little by little im learning to let go. Hang in there!

[Bob723]

tests to my decision to detach. He said he had to go. I just smiled and said ok. Inside my curiosity and jealousy was bubbling to pursue for answers. But I asked nothing.

Hi Mustard,

This is so tough and just not right. I am very proud of you that you did not pursue...you should give yourself a pat on the back.

I like what RG2000 wrote after your last post. You are not alone! Most of us deal with the same feelings.

Please try to keep your chin up. I'll dedicate a prayer for you right after I post this.

Bob

[mustardseed]

I love all of the wonderful support from this board. He is home. See. I could have made myself crazy and all worked up for nothing. And those bad feelings would have led to more irrational thoughts. But I let go and kept a PMA and all was well.

[Bob723]

Yay!

Bob

[mustardseed]

Woke up this morning feeling loss and ssadness. Just a feeling. No particular thoughts attached. I haven't woke feeling that way in many months. It passed quickly and was replaced by more wasted headspace on ow. But that passed by the time I got out of the shower. I had to go downstairs to get clothes and coffee and he woke up--he sleeps on the couch which iis why I avoid ddownstairs as much as possible. He got up and was still fully dressed in a button down shirt and corduroy pants. Yes. In mid June june no air conditioner that's how he slept. I don't know why I took note of that, it isn't unusual for him to not change before going to bed, but I guess it just annoyed me enough to bring out my negativity. I stated quiet but I feel like my annoyances through. He rushed out to the patio as fast as possible. The whole thing made me feel superior surperior and smug. Not good. Not healthy.so I recognized this, came back upupstairs and I'm trying to trying to put the focus back on me. Trying to find a peace that can give me a more genuine Pma rather than a bitter smug one.

Bitterness. That's what I'm feeling. That causes me to behave in unhealthy ways. It is good to recognize this. Deep breaths. Time to clean up my side of the street and stop worrying about his. If he feels the need to sleep fully dressed and rush out of the house when I come downstairs so what? It's a waste of my time to judge, and it isn't doing anyone any good. Feeling superior over something so stupid is petty and honestly embarrassing that I stoop to that. Time to let it go. Keep cleaning up my side of the street.

[Fogg]

It is good to recognize that bitterness and resentment before it begins to consume us. Just acknowledging its there and trying to understand where it came from can be a huge help in stopping it from progressing. Keep working on yourself and forget him, nothing you can do but fight yourself more on it. You know what you have to do for yourself, nothing else to worry about right now. You got this.

[Bob723]

Dearest Mustard,

I second Fogg's thoughts.

Bob

[mustardseed]

It is good to recognize that bitterness and resentment before it begins to consume us. Just acknowledging its there and trying to understand where it came from can be a huge help in stopping it from progressing. Keep working on yourself and forget him, nothing you can do but fight yourself more on it. You know what you have to do for yourself, nothing else to worry about right now. You got this.

Yes, I realized that it did help. I was able to experience the feelings without reacting. And good things happened. I let myself go out of my comfort zone a bit. D had a birthday party and by offering to help out with some of the transportation issues I ended up first running into someone who I haven't seen in a while (who just happened to be at the same place as the party) who is also going through a D.

Her H and my H were very close friends. We were all friends, neighbors with kids around the same age, although they moved many years ago and she and I drifted a bit as a result.

Her sitch started around the same time as mine (in fact I found out about it a month after my BD), although I think they are much further along in the process. He has been out of the house for a year and a half. Seeing her, led to making plans to catch up. It was interesting how seeing her made me feel like the fog that has overcome my thoughts was cleared for a moment. Just the hello hug was enough for me to feel like I was with someone who really gets it because she is going through it.

It then allowed me to take some chances and to accept an invitation to have a drink with the parents of the birthday girl. These people were aquaintences, and normally I would have passed, but I figured why not. It was so nice to have adult conversation that didn't revolve around my chaos. I felt normal again. By the end I did end up opening up a bit by saying I was going through a lot of changes right now. But it was not an unloading. It was not a therapy session, which is what I feel most of my conversations have turned into as of late. I really felt like an individual. Like a real, complete person having a normal social interaction with other real people. It wasn't a forced GAL.

It also was a connection to the living and schooling situation that wasn't about H and OW (both who work at the school that our kids attend and where we live). It was the first time in a long time I wasn't feeling paranoid by being among people in that circle. I really felt like things were ok. Like I wasn't being judged or whispered about. That I came across as strong and confident. Enough where they didn't even suspect I was living in hell.


It really felt good. I don't think I would have accepted the invitation to stay if I hadn't run into the other person before. But something about seeing her reminded me that once upon a time I could socialize with other adults without dissolving into a pathetic mess. It felt so good to feel normal again. I hope I can keep it up. And I really hope me and the friends I ran into keep the promise we made to get together soon.

[Vanilla]

You will be ok on this Msd. Guaranteed I Internet promise.

V

[PatientMan]

Mustardseed,

Go back through and read some of your old threads. Where have you improved? Where are you still stuck?

Analyze. Set goals. Relentlessly pursue them.

-PM

[mustardseed]

I definitely need to go back to goal setting. Today was the last full day of work. There has been so much tension among my TAs and the one who is taking over my job has been pulled to do different things without anyone letting me know. Another TA has been nasty to everyone and I finally ended up setting a boundary with her. So much it will do now that the year is over. But I had to tell her that I need to be kept in the loop. She said that she has felt like she hasn't been in the loop. And the issue is that the communcation has been so awful. No one tells anyone in our room what is going on, and none of us ever had any chance to meet to touch base. The last full day of school this finally came up. I ended up just opening up to them about how I am just looking back at everything that went wrong, and how sad I am that I am leaving this school that I worked for, for so long, in this way. They also expressed how frustrating the year was and how there was no communication. I broke down a bit. One of my TA's was offering encouragement about how a new chapter will begin and qualified that by saying that she is a glass half ffull kind of person. I told her that I used to be, too, but right now I feel like my glass is shattered. And I really hope that one day I will be back there. Right now I am finding it impossible to get a hold of my emotions. I feel like they are not within my control. And that is a new experience for me.

Then I took the kids to see Inside Out. All I can say is WOW! It really opened my eyes to what I am experiencing. To that reality of how when you are going through a crisis you can't just mind over matter things. And it made me forgive myself. I cried throughout the entire movie. My daughter saw the movie last night as well and she told me it was sad, but I was crying the whole time because all the while I was thinking, THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT MUST BE HAPPENING INSIDE ME AT THIS VERY MOMENT!

I can't wait to see it again!

As far as H. He is starting to frighten me. His mixed messages are obviously intended to set me up, I believe. I am making sure I clarify all conversations we have in text since his words and his body language are so contradictory. Today I could sense stifled rage. Later I realized it was because he made some sort of kid schedule for the summer. It pretty much included the days he planned to be MIA, and this weekend--I am going away tomorrow night and since it was father's day weekend I didn't think it would be an issue. Apparently he has plans tomorrow so the kids are going to sleep over his sister's. On that schedule he put down that he would have the kids today and sunday. I forgot about that. We didn't fill in every weekend, it really was just things that were already planned for each of us either with or without the kids. I didn't even think of it when I mentioned that I wanted to take the kids to the movies. We were only gone for 2 hours. And I asked him before I took them, he said fine, although I could tell he was annoyed. When we got back he was in a quiet rage. The tension was unbearable so I asked him if he was angry and if he could tell me if there was something I did that bothered him. He responsed in his typical non-commital way, "we have nothing to discuss" "don't talk to me" "just stick to the schedule". AHA, there it was. I told him that I am sorry if I upset him by taking the kids, but that if he had a problem with it he should have told me. I noticed he was video taping me. Then he turned off the video and started walking toward me, but accused me of cornering him. So I turned to leave and he walked passed me than accused me of following him. I continued the conversation through text. Tell him that I sensed tension and I wanted to clear it up. That if he could tell me what I did that upset him, then we can put it passed us. He completely ignored. I am starting to suspect he is trying to bait me.

I kept my calm. I was frustrated and I felt my frustration voice coming out (which he likes to say is yelling), but I stopped myself. I'm starting to be afraid of him. I think he is playing some sick game to bait me into reacting badly. Setting boundaries with stonewalling is really difficult. Walking away just feeds the tension. Trying to address it at least removes the tension, unfortunately it also doesn't solve anything, and I am afraid I am giving him ammo to use against me. He has become scary.

[mustardseed]

Mustardseed,

Go back through and read some of your old threads. Where have you improved? Where are you still stuck?

Analyze. Set goals. Relentlessly pursue them.

-PM

I am having so much trouble with this right now PM.

I feel like I have back slid so much. Last summer I felt improved. Then I got sucked back in and let my guard down, only to be betrayed in a way I never experienced before--and I lost my way--severely and at a huge cost in so many aspects of my life.

I don't know where I am now. I feel like I am worse off then ever, praying this is the rock bottom because I can't tell yet if I hit it. I am making so many mistakes, and he is playing this like a chess game. I have become paranoid.

Today, with work, I finally gave into the sadness of that loss. My marriage is still in free fall. Living in the same home is such a nightmare right now. It feels unsafe--not physically, but emotionally and I am frightened about what he might have up his sleeve. I keep hoping to catch a glimpse of the old him, so that I will feel safe again. But the more I try, the more he shows this evil side. Fear is in control right now.

I am trying to think of goals. Right now I feel like I am in survival mode.

My main goal is one that deals with the legal end of this, that I would rather not discuss here.

I guess my other goals right now, is to find myself again.

I plan on doing some GAL stuff this summer. I am going to take surf lessons. I am going away for the night tomorrow.

My other goal will of course be to find a new job.

I think for right now those are the two things I have to focus on.

The GAL stuff is easy to be specific with. The job search I am struggling with. I feel defeated right now. Questioning what I always thought I new about myself, my abilities, my interests. I don't know how much of these questions are due to my current state of mind, and how much of it is truth.

I have a tough road ahead of me. I am pretty sure I am still falling right now--this is going to be a really ugly divorce--it already is really ugly. He has no intention of creating a civil relationship between us.

[mustardseed]

You will be ok on this Msd. Guaranteed I Internet promise.

V

Thank you for that. I can't wait to get to the point of being able to move on.

[Vanilla]

Msd I put a recovery post on the abuse thread, I was thinking of you as I did so.

What would I like to tell Msd about recovery?

Yes, Msd this is a scary and confusing time. WH knows he has lost control of Msd and he is afraid of you. I know that seems bizarre and counter intuitive. Now you know and understand what is happening, you are no longer spell bound and have the talisman of truth. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

The bell can never be unrung, H is now on shaky ground, the earthquake arises and WH has lost part of himself. That good part that is Msd. Expect many tricks for WH will want to regain control of himself and his sitch. Recording you is going to be standard, that is because he feels he needs to "prove" his upside down view. Start recording H and his unpleasantness quietly and for your benefit. It wouldn't surprise me if WH tried sneaky scary honeymoon style syrup either. Expect anything at this stage, even love bombing.

There is no need to apologise to WH for taking your children to a movie. Is the schedule online Msd? I recollect both HPoirot and Mozza have online schedules which makes planning easier and removes discord. I must see inside out, sounds amazing.

I am thinking about the communications issues with regard to your work and would like to chat that through with you in a different post because that has been informative to me and I think I can learn from that myself.

Msd think about a switch to email on admin rather than text. It's less instant, easier to track and trace your thoughts. You can test responses here on the board. Nothing you do or say will be ok in WH mixed up world at present.

Recovery on abuse thread

V

[mustardseed]

Thank you V. I read the post and responded. He is definitely fitting the description. I need to talk to my lawyer about our recent conversations. I really am starting to realize that everything I do and say is being held against. And he is not saying anything. It is all body language, and sneaky behaviors. He had some papers today. He folded them up then brought them out to his car.

The schedule was something he most have done on excel. When he first suggested making one I was opposed. I didn't want him to be in control of that. We are still living in the same home and the kids are used to me being around and making plans to do things last minute, like yesterday. However, when I saw the schedule I realized it was more about dates that he did not want the kids, rather than when I get to have them. So I was relieved and agreed to it. This weekend was particularly sticky for him. My mind reading has led me to believe that it is because OW doesn't have her kids. But who knows. It must be that he was feeling threatened by the control. He didn't like me saying, you will have the kids father's day weekend beccause I will be away.

The schedule clarified those dates for both of us. I sugggested using a google calendar so we can make modifications as needed. He ignored that suggestion. I asked him to fill in the calendar we have hanging in the kitchen, because searching for an email that has a spreadsheet calendar is difficult. Neither of us are very good about keeping dates straight, and we both tend to be last minute, fly by the seat of our pants types.

Anyway, I don't think I violated anything since it was only a 2 hour movie and he had no plans with them anyway. He has been home with them since Wednesday. My D had been wanting to go to target, which I told her was a weekend trip not a mid week trip. Too much traffic to get there. I told her she should ask H since he would be home with them. She never asked him. When he is home with them he takes a lot of naps, they say. Or he goes down to the school. I guess avoiding home isn't just for my benefit.

I can't wait until I get the green light to leave--with my kids. If it weren't for the kids I would have left before everything had gotten this bad.

[Vanilla]

Msd

The schedule is it available on the family computer?

How do you add to it or change it?

Fly by the seat is often necessary with kids.

How will you know you have a green light? Where do you plan to go to?

V

[mustardseed]

Msd

The schedule is it available on the family computer?

How do you add to it or change it?

Fly by the seat is often necessary with kids.

How will you know you have a green light? Where do you plan to go to?

V

We don't have a family computer. I have a laptop I shares with the kids, and he has his own. The schedule was just emailed to me as an attachment. I dont think I can make changes to it. I don't know. It looked like excel. I only pulled it up on my phone so I will have to try on the computer and see. I guess I would have to tell him if i have something coming up. I really don't know. I plan on just continuing as is. If I'm home I will do stuff with the kids unless he says he wants to. If I have plans that means I will not be around the kids, I will let him know ahead of time. He can deal with his own schedule.

If I have plans that include the kids I will also notify him ahead of time to make sure there is no conflict.

Who knows.

I guess when the lawyer tells me I can leave I will. I am so scared right now by the bizarre way he has been acting--and by my reaction to it. He has something brewing and whatever it is the goal is to destroy me.

I had a great night away last night. It was really odd. I had an admirer and we did some heavy flirting. He is way to young for me to consider anything beyond flirtation, but it was fun to do. We must have exchanged numbers, I don't remember, but he contacted me this morning. I need to be careful about this, though. I'm still married.

I Dreaded heading back home but no one but the dog is here. My emotions were all over the place today--and there was definitely anxiety. I kept picturing the Inside Out characters having at it in my head as they passed over me. I have some work to do, the last big deadline before I can shut the door on this job. Sigh. 4 more days.

[mustardseed]

Tomorrow is my last day. Back in April I though I would never make it here. Every day was a new kind of hell, but I made it to the end. I wish I could say I am happy or proud of myself for enduring, but right now it is all so bittersweet. I also had to let my hot new friend (HNF) go.Right now is not the right time for a fling, as tempting as it is. But I learned that I am still attractive to men (of many ages apparently), that I can find other men attractive without me comparing or being reminded of H. And that I can walk away from something I really want when it doesn't make sense. It also made it so much easier to detach from h. HNF was the ego boost and distraction I needed, but he was also the test of giving into temptation. I am begrudgingly passing the test.

[PatientMan]

Mustardseed,

Go back through and read some of your old threads. Where have you improved? Where are you still stuck?

Analyze. Set goals. Relentlessly pursue them.

-PM

I am having so much trouble with this right now PM.

I feel like I have back slid so much. Last summer I felt improved. Then I got sucked back in and let my guard down, only to be betrayed in a way I never experienced before--and I lost my way--severely and at a huge cost in so many aspects of my life.

I don't know where I am now. I feel like I am worse off then ever, praying this is the rock bottom because I can't tell yet if I hit it. I am making so many mistakes, and he is playing this like a chess game. I have become paranoid.

First things first. It doesn't matter if you have backslid and it doesn't matter where you are, it only matters that you are AWARE of it and that awareness allows you to analyze your situation to set your course and follow it.

So do not beat yourself up if you have slid back. Do not beat yourself up if you have made mistakes. It is all data that just goes into your brain/computer for you to process. Even if you messed up, you have more data to use going forward. Which is good.

My mind kind of works that way and I hope you find it useful.

Today, with work, I finally gave into the sadness of that loss. My marriage is still in free fall. Living in the same home is such a nightmare right now. It feels unsafe--not physically, but emotionally and I am frightened about what he might have up his sleeve. I keep hoping to catch a glimpse of the old him, so that I will feel safe again. But the more I try, the more he shows this evil side. Fear is in control right now.

You need to detach from this man, for your own safety and sanity. Read up on it as much as you can. There are plenty of practical steps you can take - i.e. things you can do and think about during your day to work on this.

Tangentially, I always hated the "you need to detach" comments followed by no actual methodology to get there. I believe there are some compilation posts now which are very helpful on the subject that should be useful to you. I know for me, if I can think about something while I'm going through it, it helps me. Like cues for a golf swing (where are my hips and shoulders aligned...what are my elbows doing, etc.). If I can think about those cues while I am actually in a situation where I need to work on detaching, then I am able to focus on that and not the emotional side of what might be transpiring.

Again, my mind kind of works that way and I hope you find it useful.

I am trying to think of goals. Right now I feel like I am in survival mode.

My main goal is one that deals with the legal end of this, that I would rather not discuss here.

I guess my other goals right now, is to find myself again.

I plan on doing some GAL stuff this summer. I am going to take surf lessons. I am going away for the night tomorrow.

My other goal will of course be to find a new job.

I think for right now those are the two things I have to focus on.

The GAL stuff is easy to be specific with.

Okay, good. Be specific and make an actual list with items and dates and whatever else you want. You don't have to post it here, just hold yourself accountable to it.

I have a tough road ahead of me. I am pretty sure I am still falling right now--this is going to be a really ugly divorce--it already is really ugly. He has no intention of creating a civil relationship between us.

Cross that bridge when you come to it. Right now you are working on you, and that is enough.

-PM

[asitis]

You put it on google calendar regardless of what he wants. It will take some getting in the habit, but if that hasn't been your practice in the past, it will need to become so in the near future anyway. It doesn't matter what he wants on this. You do it and then link it to your phone if you have a smartphone, or just to have from anywhere. If he challenges you, just say that you both have problems with dates (as you said) and you need it as a reminder and a convenient way that works for you to keep the schedule straight.

You tell him that you will make appointments for the kids there (for things like doctors visits and what not), and he can check it and add it to his spread sheet if he doesn't want to do it online. If he really resists, you can set it up w/ e-mail notification to him.

I know that seems like a big hassle, but the reality is that you will need to develop impersonal means of coordinating schedules as well as personal means. It is just a blunt reality of your future until your kids have flown the nest, and technology makes that easier.

I agree w/ the others on your H's abusive/controlling behavior attempts (& am truly sorry you have to suffer this), but you are doing great standing up for yourself. This is one way to do this.

BTW, I read back to the mustard seed story (in your early posts), and you might find another mustard seed story (Kisagotami and the mustard seed) speaks to you (although it is from the Buddhist tradition). In it, a mother is distraught over the death of her baby, and desperately goes from house to house in her village to find a medicine that will bring her baby back to her. She is sent to the Buddha, and he says he knows of such a medicine, but it requires mustard seed from a household that has not known a loved one to have died. She sets out with zeal to find this, going from family to family. She discovers that every household has been touched by the death of a loved one, and comes to realize that her pain is not unique to her. She learns that it is personal in its impact, but not personal. It connects her to the pain of others, and allows her to open up to a larger understanding and compassion that ultimately allows her to move beyond that most tragic of situations and grow. It is better done in the real telling than my clumsy attempt. It ends in one translation with "He that thou lovest slept dead on thy bosom yesterday: today thou knowest the whole world weeps with thy woe." We do weep with thy woe. Peace.

[mustardseed]

It is all data that just goes into your brain/computer for you to process. Even if you messed up, you have more data to use going forward. Which is good.

My mind kind of works that way and I hope you find it useful.

That is a good way to think of it. Now I have to pay attention to that data.

You need to detach from this man, for your own safety and sanity. Read up on it as much as you can. There are plenty of practical steps you can take - i.e. things you can do and think about during your day to work on this.

Tangentially, I always hated the "you need to detach" comments followed by no actual methodology to get there. I believe there are some compilation posts now which are very helpful on the subject that should be useful to you. I know for me, if I can think about something while I'm going through it, it helps me. Like cues for a golf swing (where are my hips and shoulders aligned...what are my elbows doing, etc.). If I can think about those cues while I am actually in a situation where I need to work on detaching, then I am able to focus on that and not the emotional side of what might be transpiring.

Again, my mind kind of works that way and I hope you find it useful.

I'll have to try that. Since I have been distracted by HNF I haven't given H much thought at all. But I know that is a fleeting thing. A distraction. And something that is not sustainable. But I recognize that it is a detached feeling. If I can find a way to keep that feeling without making things more complicated I'd be golden. So I need some healthier distractions.

Okay, good. Be specific and make an actual list with items and dates and whatever else you want. You don't have to post it here, just hold yourself accountable to it.

So a wrench was thrown into my summer of rebuilding plans. I thought I was getting a nice lump sum to cover my summer pay, but apparently, because I started mid year I was not given the option to have my pay checks divided to allow me to get paid throughout the summer. So I got my last check today, and it is just enough to cover one pay period. This really puts a huge rush on me finding a new job. I was able to pick up some summer tutoring work, and hopefully I will be able to pick up some more, which will keep me afloat, but will not allow for any extra spending. Surfing lessons might have to go.

I am terrified right now. I really thought I'd have a 2 month buffer, plus some unemployment pay to allow me some flexibility, now I am wondering if I can even meet the bills. I am fully buffered through July, but come August I don't know if I will have enough.

But what I can do.
1) Move this divorce forward
[list]
[*]finish the statement of net worth this weekend
[*]Meet with the lawyer to find out what the next steps are
2) Improve my physique
[*]start logging my food again. I am at my goal weight but I don't want to gain or lose anymore. [
*]start a strength training program. Aim for 3 1 hour work outs a week.
[*]30 minutes of movement activities every day. Walks, runs, swimming, surfing (if I can afford it).
3) Clean up. Get my house back in order.
[*]Spend at least 15 minutes a day on decluttering activities.
4) Find a job
[*]apply to teaching positions and assistant positions that have benefits
[*]Finish the paper work for the agency so I can do SIET work.
5) Date myself
[*]Every day I want to get dressed to impress. To feel good about myself. I will pretend that I am always ready for a date. With me.

Cross that bridge when you come to it. Right now you are working on you, and that is enough.

-PM

Ok. It is hard to plan for the future, but not think about it too much. If you get my drift. For example, I need to make sure I am giving myself a safety net, because I don't know what is coming. I don't know how much I will need. I don't know what my earning potential is right now. I need to look for jobs, but I don't know where I will be living, I don't know how my work might effect my custody issues. I need to trust that it is all in God's hands, while also getting my ducks in a row for some unknown journey.

Today, at work, I was so angry. My assistants really are nasty people. How did I end up with this bunch. They are all new to the school, and don't understand how things work, but they refuse to listen. A parent texted one of them to tell her that the student was going to be picked up instead of taking the bus. First of all, a parent should not be communicating directly with a teaching assistant. This was made clear when they first came into my room. Second of all, any changes in dismissal needs to go through the office. Even me--the teacher--getting a text message about a change in dismissal doesn't fly. So I told her, "unless she contacted the office, we need to put him on the bus." And they all started arguing with me. Jeez, I don't make the policies.

Then another asked me if I was excited that it was all over. She knows full well what is going on with me. I told her I was feeling kind of angry, especially because I had just found out about my last pay check. I said, "it seems like when it rains it pours." and she sarcastically said, "well, it seems like it is always pouring with you." I was dumbfounded. I said, "well, it's a shame that you had to meet me during the most tumultuous time of my life. I'm usually a very optimistic and laid back person." She then changed her tune and said, "yeah you have a lot going on" but I know it is all just phony. I honestly never had trouble getting along with people before. All of these women--the new ones--seem to have had it in for me from the beginning. The other one, who has been there for a while, was also on the receiving end. Although the way she handled it was to become nasty with everyone including me. I feel like they all teamed up together to help push me out and get one of their own in.

But it is time to move on. I have to stop with the paranoid thoughts. It is over, and hopefully something better is coming. This position wasn't for me. I wasn't ready for it, or perhaps just not the right person for it. My team was a disaster, and I didn't have the chutzpah to rein them in.

I kept up my spirits until I got my kids on their bus lines, then as I was walking back a beloved coworker gave me a hug and I lost it. I ended up hiding out in a friend's classroom until we were given the green light to go home. I really loved a lot of the people I worked with. But those newbies really were all so full of themselves. And having them put in my room--the forgotten room where we were left out of everything going on in the school, just fed their egos. Even down to the kindergarten moving up ceremony, they all wanted to walk down the aisle with their kids. Luckily the other K teachers backed me up with that. I liked seeing other teachers react to them the way they did, because I always felt so outnumbered and it made me question if I was the one who was wrong. Then when we were in the mainstream I was able to see that, no I'm not crazy, you are all trying to make it all about you rather than thinking about what is best for the kids. And part of it is that they didn't quite understand what their role as teaching assistant was. They were new at this. Just like I was new at managing them. Since I was an assistant for so long I was baffled at how they handled themselves. But I guess I failed to recognize that they didn't know what their role was meant to be, and they all like being in charge.

Live and learn. it is all data.

[Bob723]

Date myself
[*]Every day I want to get dressed to impress. To feel good about myself. I will pretend that I am always ready for a date. With me.

Hello MS,

I stopped by to see how things have been progressing. PM has given you some great advice.

Wow, you sure do have a lot on your plate and I don't blame you one bit for being "terrified." You will make it, one little step at a time.

I loved your list of things you can do, especially the one above. Good for you!

I will keep you in my thoughts and daily prayers.

*Hugs*

Bob

[mustardseed]

You put it on google calendar regardless of what he wants. It will take some getting in the habit, but if that hasn't been your practice in the past, it will need to become so in the near future anyway. It doesn't matter what he wants on this. You do it and then link it to your phone if you have a smartphone, or just to have from anywhere. If he challenges you, just say that you both have problems with dates (as you said) and you need it as a reminder and a convenient way that works for you to keep the schedule straight.

You tell him that you will make appointments for the kids there (for things like doctors visits and what not), and he can check it and add it to his spread sheet if he doesn't want to do it online. If he really resists, you can set it up w/ e-mail notification to him.

I know that seems like a big hassle, but the reality is that you will need to develop impersonal means of coordinating schedules as well as personal means. It is just a blunt reality of your future until your kids have flown the nest, and technology makes that easier.

I agree w/ the others on your H's abusive/controlling behavior attempts (& am truly sorry you have to suffer this), but you are doing great standing up for yourself. This is one way to do this.

BTW, I read back to the mustard seed story (in your early posts), and you might find another mustard seed story (Kisagotami and the mustard seed) speaks to you (although it is from the Buddhist tradition). In it, a mother is distraught over the death of her baby, and desperately goes from house to house in her village to find a medicine that will bring her baby back to her. She is sent to the Buddha, and he says he knows of such a medicine, but it requires mustard seed from a household that has not known a loved one to have died. She sets out with zeal to find this, going from family to family. She discovers that every household has been touched by the death of a loved one, and comes to realize that her pain is not unique to her. She learns that it is personal in its impact, but not personal. It connects her to the pain of others, and allows her to open up to a larger understanding and compassion that ultimately allows her to move beyond that most tragic of situations and grow. It is better done in the real telling than my clumsy attempt. It ends in one translation with "He that thou lovest slept dead on thy bosom yesterday: today thou knowest the whole world weeps with thy woe." We do weep with thy woe. Peace.

I am going to set up the google calendar today. It will be much easier then his calendar that I have to go searching through old emails for. I love that story of a mustard seed. Never heard it before, but it is so true.

[mustardseed]

Date myself
[*]Every day I want to get dressed to impress. To feel good about myself. I will pretend that I am always ready for a date. With me.

Hello MS,

I stopped by to see how things have been progressing. PM has given you some great advice.

Wow, you sure do have a lot on your plate and I don't blame you one bit for being "terrified." You will make it, one little step at a time.

I loved your list of things you can do, especially the one above. Good for you!

I will keep you in my thoughts and daily prayers.

*Hugs*

Bob

Thank you. Today I woke up without anxiety but with a feeling of loss. Tears can be healthy, and I hope these are the healthy kind.

[Vanilla]

Msd

I am thinking about you and your sitch.

Fins look tough but honey you are one of the strongest here, one of the most imaginative, one of the most talented.

I believe in Msd. Now let's have a plan.

So what is happening on the Fin front?

What plans to earn the extra cash?

V

[mustardseed]

I am away with the kids at a family function. It was a good day but I can't sleep. I just realized today was the day h and ow were signed up for a charity run with h's college buddy. The buddy's wife checked in on fb and it just hit me that now ow is in and i am out with that crew. Made me angry. Not even sad fbecause he is no longer worth my sadness, but angry. It is humiliating.

HNF contacted me today. And I feel so torn. Why is it a bad idea to pursue this? Yes, I'm still married but that didn't stop h. I know it will only be a very brief fling because he is returning to his country at the end of the month, so there will be no long term emotional investment on either end. And that's good. I don't want a relationship just some companionship. A fling. A few dates. Everyone tells me I need to just leave it alone, and I kind of believe them but I don't quite understand why. What's the worst that could happen?

[mustardseed]

Msd

I am thinking about you and your sitch.

Fins look tough but honey you are one of the strongest here, one of the most imaginative, one of the most talented.

I believe in Msd. Now let's have a plan.

So what is happening on the Fin front?

What plans to earn the extra cash?

V

Hi v. Just wanted to let you know I am thinking on this and will respond soon.

[Ggrass]

Date myself
[*]Every day I want to get dressed to impress. To feel good about myself. I will pretend that I am always ready for a date. With me.

Hello MS,

I stopped by to see how things have been progressing. PM has given you some great advice.

Wow, you sure do have a lot on your plate and I don't blame you one bit for being "terrified." You will make it, one little step at a time.

I loved your list of things you can do, especially the one above. Good for you!

I will keep you in my thoughts and daily prayers.

*Hugs*

Bob

Thank you. Today I woke up without anxiety but with a feeling of loss. Tears can be healthy, and I hope these are the healthy kind.

Ms, that's why I'm always dressed well too. With make up.

I never thought of it as dating me, but it wasn't for anyone. It was just for me, pleasing myself.

It's one thing I changed and won't ever allow anyone else's view to change it.

[Bob723]

Thank you. Today I woke up without anxiety but with a feeling of loss. Tears can be healthy, and I hope these are the healthy kind.

Hello Msd,

You're welcome. What you are feeling is so normal. I bet the tears were the healthy kind.

Like V, I believe in you.

*Hugs*

Bob

[mustardseed]

Msd

I am thinking about you and your sitch.

Fins look tough but honey you are one of the strongest here, one of the most imaginative, one of the most talented.

I believe in Msd. Now let's have a plan.

So what is happening on the Fin front?

What plans to earn the extra cash?

V

So I have two tutoring jobs 2 hours a day 5 days a week which pays about the same as a whole day of subbing, so that isn't so bad. The start after independence day. The problem is that I won't be able to stay away from home as much as I hoped because the cases are near home. And being home is absolute torture.

I stopped home today to drop of the kids, but I am going to stay with my parents for a couple of days. The tension is so incredible. The hate he has towards me is insane. I left before I let it get to me to the point of reacting. But I feel the anxiety building. I feel like I am getting back to the point I was at in April. I decided that I need to get back on the meds for now. I really thought I'd feel better once school ended. I really don't.

Tomorrow I am going to start applying for some real jobs. I also have to help my uncles move. That will be a good thing to do. They are fun, and it will be good to help out others.

I am resisting the desire to reach out to HNF...I just need to be reminded why it is a bad idea.

My cousin (the only one who knows about him) told me:

• The good feelings it might give me are only temporary, and after it's done I will feel worse.
  
• Think of how I would want my D to handle such situations. Is jumping into a bandaid situation worth my self respect? Even if they never know about it, I am still a role model and need to behave in a way my kids would be proud. I am STILL MARRIED.
  
• I need to be the better person. Whatever H is doing does not mean I need to sink to the same lows.
  

It makes sense. But I really just want to wrap myself in something superficial to pass the time until the pain goes away. That's how I always handled things before kids. Now I am a mother. I have to actually go through things with full awareness and experience the pain. But maybe I can find other GAL things that can help bear the brunt a bit.

[mustardseed]

Just had a tough love pep talk with my mom. I think that is what I needed. No more escapism--time to take back my home.

[Vanilla]

So Msd,

I understand this home is job related accommodation with H job?

My great concern is that if you have an A with HNF (I am resistant to say A, as I consider you a free agent going LRT), then your WH may make hay with it. You are ambivalent and that seems another sign to me.

Great news on the tutoring too, is there another location you could stay at instead of the house if you feel uncomfortable? I know you say you want to reclaim your home and I tried this with my own living room. It made me feel quite queasy and extremely on edge. In the short term was ineffective and caused more confrontation with WH. I felt good about standing my ground.

Uncles sound great fun, hope they have lots of interesting stuff to pack.

If you need something superficial then try macrame! No better still go dancing.

Job search is almost a full time role in itself.

Peace and great hugs

V

[mustardseed]

So Msd,

I understand this home is job related accommodation with H job?

My great concern is that if you have an A with HNF (I am resistant to say A, as I consider you a free agent going LRT), then your WH may make hay with it. You are ambivalent and that seems another sign to me.

Great news on the tutoring too, is there another location you could stay at instead of the house if you feel uncomfortable? I know you say you want to reclaim your home and I tried this with my own living room. It made me feel quite queasy and extremely on edge. In the short term was ineffective and caused more confrontation with WH. I felt good about standing my ground.

Uncles sound great fun, hope they have lots of interesting stuff to pack.

If you need something superficial then try macrame! No better still go dancing.

Job search is almost a full time role in itself.

Peace and great hugs

V

Yes it is our home with all the nasty ties. My mother's point in having me take back my home is because I am allowing him to control things. He makes things tense so I retreat or confront. When I'm hiding out I am showing him that this is not my home and I need to stay out my of his way. When I confront things always turn really bad. But right now I can reclaim my home. Clean it to my liking. Start cooking in my kitchen again. Start up family sit down dinners with the kids again rather than hiding in my bedroom. D12 has been upset about how separate we have all been. It's time to stop hiding from the tension he is trying to create.

About HNF. I thought the same thing. Every time I start to convince myself that pursuing it won't be a big deal, something comes up to remind me what a mistake it will be. it isn't worth the consequences. There will be plenty of time to date once I am in a better position to do so. Dancing sounds like fun. Now I need to find people to do that with.

[mustardseed]

Day 1 of reclaiming my home. D12 seems happier. We made dinner together and kicked around a soccer ball. S13 isn't feeling well so he stayed home from camp and we had a nice day together. I stopped by my uncles' new house but wasn't much help because I wanted to get home to s.

H and I didn't talk but texted about kids. I had headphones on a lot of the time he was here and I don't feel the same tension as before. Maybe this might work out. I mentioned that I wanted the kids on July 4 and suddenly he tried to twist it. Said fine but I should leave the house until Friday so he can have the kids this week since I want them Saturday. I said no, this is my home and I won't leave just because he wants me to. He can spend time with the kids whether I am here or not. I think that was appropriate boundary setting. He didn't respond but said he wants the kids Sunday. I said fine, he can take them somewhere but I can't guarantee I won't be home.

[asitis]

Good job.

[mustardseed]

Oh and the google calendar is really helping.

[gonegrl]

Thank you for sharing your experience, I am new here and learning a lot. I think you are doing a good job.

[mustardseed]

Thank you for sharing your experience, I am new here and learning a lot. I think you are doing a good job.

You're welcome. However, I feel I was doing much better a year ago--reading my earlier threads is reminding me. But I am trying to get back on track. This is a great support system.

[mustardseed]

Day 2: reclaiming my home

It was a good day. S didn't want to go to camp so we hung out together. I spent a ton of money on resources for my tutoring ugh. I''m starting to get a little panicky right now about that.
Made a good dinner.
H is trying get me to react. He apparently covered up the tattoo that had my name and the kids name with some weird black monstrosity. And of course he is walking around with a cut off shirt and making sure I am in his line of vision. He saw me looking but I didn't react.

This is a total MLC tattoo. And also a way to prove to me he is so done. My heart is racing. I'm dying to make some nasty comment about it. But I won't. Why did seeing that break my heart a little more? Honestly he looks nasty. Definitely no physical attraction for him right now. Good luck to OW.

Then he came into the room where me and the kids were watching TV and changed the channel. Trying to get me to leave. Nope. Not gonna happen.

Also heard from L that we have a court date for D for September. Here we go.

[claire7]

Wow, that is tough. The channel changing is so passive agressive. He is trying to bait you. I think the best thing to do is keep it easy breezy and don't give him a reaction. Either something like, "oh,thanks! I was dying to watch this but I was too lazy to change the channel." Or what about just getting up and smiling and inviting the kids to have some ice cream with you, or something? Or go out yourself -- with a smile as if that had been your plan all along.

It will frustrate and confuse him when he gets the opposite reaction he's expecting...and make you feel empowered.

Hang in there

[mustardseed]

Wow, that is tough. The channel changing is so passive agressive. He is trying to bait you. I think the best thing to do is keep it easy breezy and don't give him a reaction. Either something like, "oh,thanks! I was dying to watch this but I was too lazy to change the channel." Or what about just getting up and smiling and inviting the kids to have some ice cream with you, or something? Or go out yourself -- with a smile as if that had been your plan all along.

It will frustrate and confuse him when he gets the opposite reaction he's expecting...and make you feel empowered.

Hang in there

The channel changing actually ended up being fine. He turned on the soccer game and it was a good game. I think it annoyed him that I was interested in it, he watched from the dining room because he doesn't want to be in the same room as me, and when D and I had a question about the clock he ignored me but answered her. What a baby. I kept it easy breezy. It actually wasn't so hard because D12 has been upset about the fact everyone is always separate now, so I kept telling myself I am doing it for her.

I was invited to go to an arts event with my aunt and some of her friends later this week. I'm looking forward to it. Live music, open bar, girls' night out. I'm starting to feel optimistic. Now I just need to find a job.

[Vanilla]

Msd

Be safe, please above all be safe. Claiming your home is good and I am concerned that WH may get aggressive.

At the first sign please get help.

V

[mustardseed]

I will. I've been reading through my posts from the beginning. I can't believe how far I have come. Not so much in saving my marriage, but in realizing how unhealthy our relationship has been. I spent so much time tip toeing around him. Wanting to please. Being so codependent. I was so worried about him all the time. He was so manipulative the whole time. I feel like I have back slid, and I have because I went back to reacting rather than letting go. I also stopped being afraid of speaking my mind, which led me to say a lot of things I shouldn't have. I sunk to new lows and he used it against me in really awful ways.
He is using all of the tools at his disposal. I'm sure his skank and his very strange lawyer are egging him on. Every time I lose my [censored] he gains leverage. I have to stop doing that.

My mom is awesome. I was mad at first that she accused me of feeling sorry for myself. I am terrified. I don't think I am feeling sorry for myself, but I am so scared. However, I get her point. I am letting him terrorize me. I am behaving in ways that are a direct response to his behaviors--I'm doing exactly what he wants. I need to turn that around. I can't let him intimidate me.

And reading over my posts from the last--lord--20 months or so--shows me that none of this is new. This is who he is, it is just that I used to make him the priority. Everything I did was based on what I thought would make him happy. Now that I am not doing that anymore he is showing his really ugly side. He hates me for outing is R with OW. He hates me for making it public and for not giving a crap if our neighbors (his coworkers) hear us fighting about it. I know it is immature, and I should have some shame in airing our dirty laundry, but I would rather they see me lose my [censored] over it, then see me be the only idiot who doesn't know. They all must know about this R he has with her, my kids are the ones who told me. If they see it as students, his coworkers must also see it.

However, he is humiliated, and he is out for blood.

I just filed for unemployment benefits. Ugh. I have some running around to do today, then I need to finalize my schedule for tutoring. And apply for at least 2 jobs today. Those are my goals. I have a big tray of ziti made, and some london broil marinating so I don't have to worry about dinner.

S13 doesn't want to go to camp again. He has a cough--I think it is allergy related--but now I am starting to worry that he is retreating, or that he is afraid to leave me alone. I'll have to address this.

[mustardseed]

Day 3 of reclaiming my home.

Roller coaster emotions. Rereading my posts brought back some old pain. Old hope that is lost. Old optimism that is shattered now that I have lost my dream job and the dream of saving this broken marriage. My life felt like an open book last summer, and now it feels like a tragic ending. I think the job loss is really hard for me to accept because I lost my confidence in my abilities to excel in the career path I chose. I don't know if I will be able to get it back.

But I pulled myself up when I felt down. Heard my mother's words--STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF AND RECLAIM YOUR HOME AND CHILDREN. So I did what I could.

I did everything I could from my to do list. Waiting to hear back from parents to set up my schedule for next week. That is stressing me out, but it will all come together I'm sure.

S13 decided to go to camp tomorrow, which is good. I have plans tomorrow night and H is going to take the kids out to dinner. He has actually been civil to me today. I had some questions for him about mail and other household tidbits and he answered with civility--first time since Memorial Day weekend that he treated me like someone who isn't an enemy. I didn't feel any tension, but he did spend a lot of time outside cleaning his car. Maybe my change in attitude is helping. I'm not holding out hope that we are going to be ready to fix our R, but I am hopeful that maybe some of the hateful feelings might not have to loom over us all of the time.

Who knows. I'm not going to put too much stake in the "not-so-awful" interactions of today. But I am going to appreciate the fact that I don't feel ok about being home right now. I look forward to my tomorrow plans. It should be fun.

[mustardseed]

But I am going to appreciate the fact that I don't feel ok about being home right now.

That's how it should read.

[Vanilla]

Msd

You are very precious you know. You are growing be aware that claiming your space may escalate WH behaviour as he will have lost control.

The light of truth shines bright, you need never be concerned with the light of truth

V

[Fogg]

But I am going to appreciate the fact that I don't feel ok about being home right now.

That's how it should read.

Doing great, keep it up

[mustardseed]

Goal Check:
Getting my finances under control so I can handle the coming months. My student loans are back in deferment. That saves a huge chunk of money. I canceled the gym membership, all unnecessary subscriptions, and reduced some bills. That gives me a good head start on August bills--by freeing up some July money and reducing August obligations. I applied for unemployment yesterday.

I went for a run today, ran to the gym to cancel the membership, the walked back. Started logging my food again. I am up 5 pounds from a few weeks ago. I am still within my goal range, but at the upper end so I want to get back down.

The house is a bit tidier. H's stuff is all over, even though he seems to have gone through a bunch of stuff, I am sure his mission is to hide stuff from me rather than declutter. His car has become his new office.

[Bob723]

Hey Msd,

Good for you!! Keep it going . . .

Thinking about you.

Bob

[Vanilla]

Msd

I am pleased to hear you have a plan for the Fins, although I guess I am not so keen on you cancelling the gym membership. Is there an alternate to that? A plan to replace it with an alternate exercise?

My H did the same with his stuff, curious huh!

That is why in the end I moved his stuff to a storage container!

V

[mustardseed]

Msd

I am pleased to hear you have a plan for the Fins, although I guess I am not so keen on you cancelling the gym membership. Is there an alternate to that? A plan to replace it with an alternate exercise?

My H did the same with his stuff, curious huh!

That is why in the end I moved his stuff to a storage container!

V

I haven't gone to the gym in a long time so I isn't worth paying for. I was a little concerned since I want to focus on strength training but I can make do with what I have. I would rather do my cardio outdoors.

[Vanilla]

Msd

If you can borrow or beg some kettle balls, they are amazing for strength training.

V

[mustardseed]

Msd

If you can borrow or beg some kettle balls, they are amazing for strength training.

V

I might look into some local thrift shops and see if there anything. I want to start the strong curves program which starts with body weight but then goes into heavy lifting. My gym wasn't great for heavy lifting anyway.But the one by my parents is more complete. I used the one out there more than my home membership.

Yesterday I had a nice fourth of July. My uncles took us out to a really nice late lunch on the water. Then I was heading home so kids could have some time with h. He tested as we were leaving asking what my plans were. I said we were heading home. His reply was ok I'm going out to dinner near. Ugh. So I said. In that case we are going to head back to my parents. The kids were happy. We walked into town with at aunt and my cousin's babies and saw some fireworks. My cousin came by after work and drove the kids back so my aunt and I stopped for a drink then walked back. It ended up being a much nicer July 4 than I expected. but now I wonder what I am in for today. On the Google calendar he is supposed to have the kids. He hasn't mentioned anything. I'm in no rush to get home so he can come get them if he was serious about that. Otherwise we will have another nice day out here. I really don't want to have to compromise with him at all anymore because I end up trying to be fair and he is only looking to screw me over. I don't trust anything about him anymore. I wish he would just disappear so we can move on with our lives.

[Vanilla]

I understand that wish msd, NC so you can get on with your lives.

What a really good 4 July and so full of activities.

Smiling for you

V

[asitis]

And, you can make some crude adjustable KBs and other strength equipment out of black iron pipe with tape for the handle padding. Check out [url=diystrength.com]DIY Strength[/url] and [url=rosstraining.com/blog/]Ross Enamait's Blog on low-tech diy training[/url].

Lot's of good ideas for someone without the cash for a full-blown home gym or gym membership.

[mustardseed]

And, you can make some crude adjustable KBs and other strength equipment out of black iron pipe with tape for the handle padding. Check out [url=diystrength.com]DIY Strength[/url] and [url=rosstraining.com/blog/]Ross Enamait's Blog on low-tech diy training[/url].

Lot's of good ideas for someone without the cash for a full-blown home gym or gym membership.

OOO i'll have to check that out.

I'm home now. He had a question about the bills. I answered, then I found out he was asking because he was again trying to accuse me of taking more money from him then needed. So I pulled up my budget software and outlined the averages for all of the family expenses from last year--when he was giving me money towards them. I showed him how much we each contributed. I wrote it all out for him. And I was angry because all of that time when I took over the finances, and before BD he pretended he was on the same page as me. Never wanted me to explain even though I continuously tried to have a conversation to make sure we he was aware of where the dollar amount I was taking from him came from, but he never wanted to know, always said he trusted me. But today, because I asked him for money to cover the on demand purchases he made and to cover half of the kids instrument rental payment.

So I wrote it all out for him. And when I had a question for him--again, avoiding to answer, walked away, told me he was tired and wanted to go to bed. I always feel so violated when he does that. Why do I always answer him? And why is it so easy for him to not answer me? So he won again. I'm in tears and feel manipulated.

[asitis]

Because you depend on him for financial support & that makes you feel obliged? Because having your trustworthiness called into question is a really big deal for you?

I hate being wrongly judged. In my case, it grows out of my parents treating my younger brother and I very differently in certain ways, and also because they assumed that if my younger brother got into it with me it was always assumed to be my fault. Judging me wrong triggers me every time. Really, really hard to control reacting and responding to it.

See anything like that in your childhood about trustworthiness and your parents? If not, then I suspect it is just the feeling obliged because of the differential power on the finances.

[censored], but until you rectify that situation, you'll probably struggle to not respond. Don't beat yourself up over it. It's hard to stop. I also don't see that much harm in it.

If you want, we could rehearse some possible replies?

[mustardseed]

Because you depend on him for financial support & that makes you feel obliged? Because having your trustworthiness called into question is a really big deal for you?

I hate being wrongly judged. In my case, it grows out of my parents treating my younger brother and I very differently in certain ways, and also because they assumed that if my younger brother got into it with me it was always assumed to be my fault. Judging me wrong triggers me every time. Really, really hard to control reacting and responding to it.

See anything like that in your childhood about trustworthiness and your parents? If not, then I suspect it is just the feeling obliged because of the differential power on the finances.

[censored], but until you rectify that situation, you'll probably struggle to not respond. Don't beat yourself up over it. It's hard to stop. I also don't see that much harm in it.

If you want, we could rehearse some possible replies?

You just gave me an Aha moment. I am the middle child and was always referred to as the "Problem child". I fought with both my siblings and was always the one to get all of the blame. I felt like no one every believed that my intentions were good and it probably is why I am so defensive. I wish I just read this before I kept pushing because things took a very ugly turn. He has been accusing me of harassing him for a while. Every time I ask him questions he doesn't want to answer he accuses me of harassing him. A few months ago he got a limited temporary order of protection against me when I caught him on the phone with OW and tried to grab the phone from him which resulted in scratch marks. In our state when someone tries to get an OOP all they need to do is go and ask for one, the defendent does not have to be present. Ever since then he has been trying to bait me into violating it. It is very vague, and most of what it tells me I can't do are obvious but there is no definition of what harassment is. He says that when I ask him questions that he doesn't want to answer and don't leave the room when he tells me to that I am harassing him. I refuse to be intimidated and was told that I have a right to be in my home, in my living room, and talking about whatever I want to regardless of if he wants me there or not.

He ended up calling the cops today because I went back downstairs for a snack that resulted in me again trying to get some answers from him. Of course the cops didn't find cause, but my poor kids were in tears. It was scary for them. He ended up getting what he claims he wanted because the cops told me that he is going to continue to try and bait me and I need to just avoid him. So I get to continue walking on eggshells. YAY.

My poor kids. They don't deserve this.

[Vanilla]

Msd

There is no way you can persuade WH.

He will keep changing the rules without telling you

Just email the info and hold your ground.

V

[Vanilla]

Msd

I have changed my view about holding your ground whilst being in the home.

I am very concerned for you and ideally I think you should leave with the children and be safe, or WH to go.

This appears to be reinforced escalation and worries me. Be safe.

V

[Bob723]

Hello Msd,

I have to agree with Vanilla. Take care, please!

Bob

[asitis]

A couple thoughts.

First, stop demanding any answers from him. It isn't good DBing at a minimum, and it sets up a situation that will harm you and the kids (either legally for you, or trauma for the kids).

Second, he filed. I want to make this suggestion with the contingent that you have to be sure you will be safe making the demand. You should not be the one to leave, but clearly the situation has deteriorated to the point where it isn't good for you and your H to share space. I'd say that this situation isn't working. He has filed for divorce and feels that answering questions is something he thinks is unbearable enough that he calls the cops. Ask him to please move out immediately.

Now, the question is what if he refuses? I'll defer to other more experienced in such situation, as it is hard for me to get in the head of a man that was seeking a divorce to refuse such a reasonable request. I'd go to a lawyer tomorrow for advice either way.

Sorry this is going so badly for you.

[Zelda09]

Hi Msd,

V asked me to stop by. I've read only this thread, and am sorry to hear of your pain and frustration. Those eggshells feel a bit like glass after a while.

The phrase, "Hurt people hurt people."

Your H wants to hurt you. None of us are psychologists here, but the thing with the tattoo, ignoring you, playing victim...calling cops...what can we say? Immature. Perhaps abusive. Certainly the cop call serves its purpose, to intimidate. He clearly doesn't want to deal with you, but would like to mess with you a bit. Again, I haven't read your sitch all the way through, but I've got no doubt that to your H, he sees you as an enemy.

It sounds like you are in the eye of the storm and you have one heck of a fight coming up over territory and finances through a D, no? This seems at a distance like warm-up push ups, punches before going into the ring.

As far as the harassing bit - one thing I'd wished I'd learned sooner in my M, a regret - I would follow my H, trying to talk things over. Despite my best intentions, he couldn't handle it. OR - didn't want to. Either way, when he'd ask me to leave him alone, I rarely respected. Like if he would just hear me out, we could talk and everything would be better. We finally got to a place where, through counseling, I agreed that I would respect his initial request, period. No matter what. And he agreed he would come back to the topic within a day, and we would talk about it rationally. I assume you are past this point, though? I was thinking that it would perhaps help you survive the S in house if you could agree on such a communication ground rule.

But like V, I am concerned that this is simply a control tactic to make you small, not a healthy adult saying he can't handle it right now. (My H and I successfully tried our new ground rule, and he found different unhealthy tactics to make up for the new and improved respect between us.)

Is there any history of physical intimidation? Verbal abuse?

Try to let it bounce, Mstd. I think the best game plan would be to avoid poking the bear. Get used to using your own recording device if something needs talking over, and you fear he will react or call the cops. At all times behave like the adult in the room with respectful distance.

Look up negative politeness. There was an interesting entry there on a website with panorama in its name. I recognized that when my STBX and I were still speaking, the times I used this he did not react in such a threatened or aggressive/defensive manner.

[Vanilla]

Msd

Here to give you an enormous

Hug

V

[Bob723]

Hi Msd,

I just wanted to stop by and inform you that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I have not forgotten about you! I haven’t been online too much lately and I’m trying to catch up on your situation.

Please keep a PMA, don’t give up and keep moving forward. We have your back.

Giant (((hugs)))

Your friend,

Bob

[DifRent]

Wow, MustardSeed... all I can say here is that I'm praying for you, and it's great to see you responding with such decisive clarity at this point. Hang in there... hugs, Dif

[mustardseed]

The list of things I wrote are my current goals, in order of importance.

I have 50/50 time with my kids right now, every weekend, one week day, and one alternating weekday. I am happy with this because it allows me to have the most quality time with them and because I am homeless at the moment (staying with parents who live in a different county) I don't have to commute with them so often while they are in camp.

I plan on moving into my own place close to the school(but far enough away to hopefully avoid accidentally running in to him) by August 1.

[mustardseed]

V--YOU WERE SO RIGHT! I wish I listened more clearly to your warnings. I had no idea what I was dealing with.

Since my last post things I think I finally hit that rock bottom. I have had a terrifying past few days, but I feel right now that I have finally stopped the free-fall. I have crashed, and I am broken, but not destroyed. I haven't been able to post because I didn't have my computer charger with me, and because I am so shaken by the recent events that I needed some time to digest.

I'm ready to start picking up the pieces of my shattered self-esteem, and mental health that I feel was destroyed by living with--what I am now convinced is a socio-path for all of these years.

The call he made to the cops wasn't just for intimidation apparently. It was also for documentation for what he was about to do next. I've been wanting to leave the house and have been told I can't. And now it got to the point that I was forced by some law that is intended to protect real victims in life-threatening situations all to gain leverage in the divorce process. And it worked. Even though the judge was digusted by H and our lawyers for manipulating OOP laws to create a psuedo separation agreement.

The most disgusting part of this is that the laws that make getting OOP so easy, are intended to help people in really desperate situations. The law is intended to help real victims in DIRE SITUATIONS, however this man I used to believe was good and decent used it to VICTIMIZE. And to gain leverage in a divorce. To isolate me from my kids. And that is disgusting to me. It diminishes the severity of the real issue that brought these laws into play. I know women misuse these orders against men quite often and no one pays any attention because the groups that protect this law claim that it is better to err on the side of caution to protect victims of abuse, not recognizing that the flip side of this is that it can also be used to abuse. Because it is usually men that are on that side of it no one takes it seriously. Maybe this will be a cause I will take on once the dust settles.

So I have a new warning for people going through this. If you feel intimidated by your spouse you are going to get advice to stand up for yourself and reclaim your life, don't let him intimidate you. If you are dealing with a sociopath this will back fire. You can't win when you are dealing with someone so twisted and calculated. I should have heeded V's advice earlier--but I still believed I was married to someone with a conscience. The worst thing about this kind of abuse is that there are no physical bruises. You don't realize what is happening. A conversation that seems harmless, even hopeful gets twisted and redirected down a path that catches you off guard, and by the time you realize what has happened it is too late.

The good thing about all of this is:
1) I am now out of the house. No longer living in that torturous situation.
2) The agreement we have is ok for now and is temporary. I am happy with the terms for the most part, I just hate the fact that all of the restrictions are on me, since it is not really a separation agreement but an OOP. H agreed to the same terms but his cost for violating them is not as high as mine.
3) I can finally start to see what the future might look like. And I think it will be ok.

MY GOALS:
1) GET THE KIDS IN THERAPY ASAP--Now I am not there to serve as a buffer between him and the kids, and if my suspicions are correct, they need to get in with someone who will recognize the signs and help them navigate living with this man, something I failed to do.
2) GET A Job--I will be moving into my own place soon. I have some money to tie me over, and now I know exactly how much I will need to get myself self supporting.
3) Get this marriage and divorce over with as fast as I can so I can finally move on. I want zero contact with this man.

This is a scary time and the worst experience I have ever gone through, but I am relieved to finally be OUT. I feel like I am starting to see things with a little clarity. I think things will get better, but I am afraid of having to spend the rest of my life dealing with this man because of our children.

[Zelda09]

Hang in there, Mstd. Abuse calls for strong defenses, not the softness snd consideration of DR.

Hugs. Know that despite clarity, you may have moments of doubt ahead. Don't let it rock you. Thinking of you.

[Ggrass]

V--YOU WERE SO RIGHT! I wish I listened more clearly to your warnings. I had no idea what I was dealing with.

Since my last post things I think I finally hit that rock bottom. I have had a terrifying past few days, but I feel right now that I have finally stopped the free-fall. I have crashed, and I am broken, but not destroyed. I haven't been able to post because I didn't have my computer charger with me, and because I am so shaken by the recent events that I needed some time to digest.

I'm ready to start picking up the pieces of my shattered self-esteem, and mental health that I feel was destroyed by living with--what I am now convinced is a socio-path for all of these years.

The call he made to the cops wasn't just for intimidation apparently. It was also for documentation for what he was about to do next. I've been wanting to leave the house and have been told I can't. And now it got to the point that I was forced by some law that is intended to protect real victims in life-threatening situations all to gain leverage in the divorce process. And it worked. Even though the judge was digusted by H and our lawyers for manipulating OOP laws to create a psuedo separation agreement.

The most disgusting part of this is that the laws that make getting OOP so easy, are intended to help people in really desperate situations. The law is intended to help real victims in DIRE SITUATIONS, however this man I used to believe was good and decent used it to VICTIMIZE. And to gain leverage in a divorce. To isolate me from my kids. And that is disgusting to me. It diminishes the severity of the real issue that brought these laws into play. I know women misuse these orders against men quite often and no one pays any attention because the groups that protect this law claim that it is better to err on the side of caution to protect victims of abuse, not recognizing that the flip side of this is that it can also be used to abuse. Because it is usually men that are on that side of it no one takes it seriously. Maybe this will be a cause I will take on once the dust settles.

So I have a new warning for people going through this. If you feel intimidated by your spouse you are going to get advice to stand up for yourself and reclaim your life, don't let him intimidate you. If you are dealing with a sociopath this will back fire. You can't win when you are dealing with someone so twisted and calculated. I should have heeded V's advice earlier--but I still believed I was married to someone with a conscience. The worst thing about this kind of abuse is that there are no physical bruises. You don't realize what is happening. A conversation that seems harmless, even hopeful gets twisted and redirected down a path that catches you off guard, and by the time you realize what has happened it is too late.

The good thing about all of this is:
1) I am now out of the house. No longer living in that torturous situation.
2) The agreement we have is ok for now and is temporary. I am happy with the terms for the most part, I just hate the fact that all of the restrictions are on me, since it is not really a separation agreement but an OOP. H agreed to the same terms but his cost for violating them is not as high as mine.
3) I can finally start to see what the future might look like. And I think it will be ok.

MY GOALS:
1) GET THE KIDS IN THERAPY ASAP--Now I am not there to serve as a buffer between him and the kids, and if my suspicions are correct, they need to get in with someone who will recognize the signs and help them navigate living with this man, something I failed to do.
2) GET A Job--I will be moving into my own place soon. I have some money to tie me over, and now I know exactly how much I will need to get myself self supporting.
3) Get this marriage and divorce over with as fast as I can so I can finally move on. I want zero contact with this man.

This is a scary time and the worst experience I have ever gone through, but I am relieved to finally be OUT. I feel like I am starting to see things with a little clarity. I think things will get better, but I am afraid of having to spend the rest of my life dealing with this man because of our children.

Yes ms I was trying to say just be cautious as I felt way back your h might have been a some knew with narc traits.
Being nice just doesn't work with those sort they just use it again and again against you.

[Vanilla]

Msd

I am so relieved to see your post. I am so glad you are safe.

Perhaps my warnings weren't strong enough, we can discuss how best to do this for the future.

That sounds so unpleasant of me to say as there is no way I would want this for you. I was hoping that you could get a hasty retreat. In my case I own my home but claiming my home back triggered more abuse from WH.

Know this very clearly Msd, the more you set your boundaries, the more you stood for you, the stronger WH reaction. You are not the abuser here, not in any way.

Lovely this is for you. I will post again shortly.

I honestly don't believe your WH can work the sweet cycle again.

V

[Vanilla]

You ok Msd.

V

[mustardseed]

I'm ok. Have a lot to do. I had a great weekend with my kids, returning them was hard. I am avoiding any contact with h, but somethings are unavoidable. He pulled up when I dropped the kids off at camp, and when we need to send correspondence about the kids it takes me a few hours to recover.

Being away from him is the best thing ever to happen, even if it happened in an awful, unjust way. Continuing the job search. Went to a job fair that was useless. I'm getting ready to move into a new place and I'm getting inspired by looking at paint colors and home decor. Luckily for now I have a lot of support and I have been so busy. I think there is a reason why I couldn't work this summer. There is always a reason, isn't there.

[Vanilla]

Msd

Peace begins.

(((((((Hugs))))))))

V

[Vanilla]

When you are ready would really like to exchange a hug

V

[mustardseed]

Things are happening. I'm trying to not let my fears take over and just embrace the change because I am sure good things will come if I stop sabotaging by resisting.

I am moving into my own place in a couple of weeks. I am excited and scared because I really can't afford it, but I am getting help--temporary help--but help. I want to be self-supporting, and finding a job that will allow for that is not easy. Living costs in this area are a lot more than a typical starting salary. But I am trying to just believe it will all work out. Trust and faith. I have a small buffer to help me get through the summer--and I am hoping those unemployment checks start coming. I am also looking for work. But part of my problem is I feel paralyzed. My confidence has been shaken by my last work experience. Somehow I have to overcome that.

I went surfing for the first time yesterday with my sister and cousin and it was so much fun. I want to do it again. I was hardly graceful, but did better than I expected to do. And today I feel a good healthy sore from pushing my body and a comforting sunburn (people think I am crazy because I love the way sun burn feels--I allow myself one good burn a summer, then I play it safe with sun block the rest of the summer).

I miss my kids more than anything, and dropping them off yesterday was as emotional as always, but following it up with a day at the beach with some of my favorite people, and doing something I never dreamed I would do a few years ago was cathartic. Who says 40 is too old to try something new?

[Vanilla]

Msd

The one thing I know about you is that you apply yourself and work hard. You saw it through and did not crumble. You learned a great deal and grew through all of it. It will never be that bad again.

Your own home base will make all the difference.

Loving the GAL!


V

[mustardseed]

Thank you for that V. Today I followed up with an agency that hired me right around the time I got the teaching position. I never followed through with the paper work because I had no time. And I was afraid it was too late but I figured I'd give it a shot. I am taking two professional development courses they offer. Being between addresses is making things complicated but my goal is to be ready to go by September so I can hold off on some of the paperwork until I'm settled.

[Vanilla]

How are things going on the job front Msd?

And the house move?

Are you getting time with your beautiful children?

V

[mustardseed]

Things are moving along. I took a professional development course yesterday offered by the agency that I was hired by back in October. I also submitted some of the paperwork they needed to complete the hiring process. I still have more papers to complete but being in between address makes it tricky. I am hoping to have everything in within the next few weeks and then I should be able to start picking up some jobs. There is some additional training and certificates I need to do early intervention--which seems to be the majority of their case load, and a required course that they don't offer until September, so I might just have to continue collecting unemployment until I can get that done.

I am taking another workshop next week, and then another in August. Taking the course started to renew my confidence and remind me of what I enjoy doing and do well. And I was finally approved for unemployment so I should start receiving payments within a few days. That was a longer wait then I expected and I was getting really nervous. I'm relieved to know it is coming.

H surprised me by asking me if I wanted to take the dog when I picked up the kids yesterday. So I have my girl with me. He was unclear about when/if I should be returning her so I plan to hold on to her as long as I can--checking with L for that.

I am moving into my new place next Friday. I am so excited. I picked up a coffee table and two end tables from a thrift shop. It is beautiful Roman Marble top and mahogony base. Not really something I would have purchased for myself but better quality than anything I could afford and only $125 for the whole set. They are beautiful pieces, a little dinged and scratched but perfect for my current needs.

I'm trying to find out if I will be allowed to go back into our place to get some more things. I want my crock-pot and keurig, two things H never uses. I have some dishes and silverware that were my grandmothers and being stored in my mother's garage, so I'm not worried about that. I just need some of my appliances. I also want my bedroom set and all of my grandmother's furniture from our place--including the dining room table. Might have to wait until our court date for that stuff.

Today I am feeling a little sad. A little heart broken. I was watching some old home videos with my mother and aunt earlier in the week and some of them was from when my kids were babies. H was so sweet and funny, and loving. What happened to him? At least it was a reminder that I didn't just rewrite history, things really were good once upon a time. I miss that man. The man he was then would have hated the man he turned into. Would have wanted to beat up the man he is today for the d-bag things he did.

Oh well. I am ready to move on. If things work out I could make a decent salary doing agency work. I still have to figure out health insurance and stuff, but I can make enough money. This is a new beginning.

My sister bought a surf board similar to the kind they use in lessons. They are easier than the fancy ones my BIL and niece use. So maybe if I have some time next week I will head back over to the beach and try it out on my own. Surfing really was the highlight of my summer right now. It is a good summer. I am feeling a lot of sorrow, but I know I will probably look back at this summer as being one of the best once I get passed the BS.

And V. It looks like you are really coming along with your clean up project. You are an amazingly strong woman! Thanks for your constant support.

[Vanilla]

Msd

I am relieved things are moving ahead for you. just a thought would WH be prepared to put your stuff into storage, or perhaps let an independent person collect your stuff for you, you could FaceTime a kind friend whilst they collected stuff from your old home?

Looking forward to hearing you are in your new home. I recollect we had a poster here called Little whose mood change hugely when she moved into a new home. We even had a thread party!

Great news on the training, sounds very useful and is expanding your skills too. Msd, you supported me, I return the favour. I was very inspired the day you went to the city for your GAL, it changed my thinking. I can't recollect if I ever said thank you. I do now, thank you. At that point I knew Msd had chutzpah! And I borrowed some and went dancing.

V

[mustardseed]

Maybe we could hAve a thread party when I move in next week. I won't have my internet up and running until the 3. But I will be in my place Friday. I can not wait!!

I have had so much I need to take care of. I am seeing now that there was a reason for my unemployment.

[Vanilla]

I am just about to say cheeeeeeese

And Mooooooose

V

[mustardseed]

I can't wait to let the mooooose out, although I guess I kind of did yesterday with my newest crazy GAL experience.

I've gotten into this routine being here at my parents, every tuesday I walk down into the village and have a drink at this restaurant/hotel that is on the harbor. I sit on the dock and sip my pina colada or mojito and watch the boats, and the ferry come in and out. I've been calling it my Tuesday table for one, because usually I will have lunch at a less expensive restaurant first, then head over for my expensive cocktail on the dock.

The first time I did this I told my dad and said, I was tempted to hop on the ferry, but the city on the other side is not much fun and not much to do. We live on the nice side of the journey--and usually only take it when we have a place to go up in New England. My dad told me that I could just get on and not get off, take a round trip. You only have to pay once, because they take your ticket as you exit. So after I finished my mojito yesterday I saw the ferry come in and decided, what the heck. I ended up riding it four times. LOL. Made friends with the bartender, who actually knows a lot of the same people I know--small town life. And I also met a woman who is in her 50s and does triatholons. Started doing them after her divorce. She inspired me to set a goal to train--although I am a weak swimmer. I met a man who also has kids in private school who helped me see the importance of putting aside my own feelings about the school situation because they have a great opportunity going to the school the go to. I met a bunch of regular commuters who made me want to get a job in CT so that I could travel that way every day. I used to love being a train commuter, but that ferry is 1000 times better!

I let a bunch of friends know I was doing it for safety reasons. And when I got back after the last trip one of my friends was at the dock side bar with her H for their anniversary and invited me to meet up with them. My bartender friend came with me and we had a nice night. I am going to miss living out here, even though I am glad to be getting into my own place. I don't want to get too dependent. My parents are away and I realized that it has been a while since I had to think about dinner. This has been a wonderful vacation, but it can't be my life. I have to go back to being an adult. And I guess that starts Friday when I move into my new home. But man, I wish I can live in this town. But as my one ferry friend pointed out, the kids' school really needs to be a priority and that means moving back to that town.

Mooooooooose!! I really like GALing!!!

[PigPen]

Wow, what an amazing ferry ride! That's something out of a movie Mustard.

What a gift to get that much perspective and understanding of just how big the world is. One thing I've come to realize in spades this year is just how tumultuous life is for most people - and if you sit and chat with them, how much real knowledge they'll share with you.

Lost a wife (at least for now), gained a perspective on humanity. Meh. Maybe an even trade.

PP

[mustardseed]

Lost a wife (at least for now), gained a perspective on humanity. Meh. Maybe an even trade.

PP

What a great way to think about it. I spent 15 years not doing things I enjoyed doing because H didn't want to. And now I am learning, why do a need H or any man to be on board for me to do things I enjoy. I guess it was this expectation of having to do everything together. And I guess the reality was that when we both were doing the things we each enjoyed, very few of those things actually crossed-over. I guess that should have been a huge red flag.

[Vanilla]

Mooooooooooose

V

[Vanilla]

Msd would you be so kind as to review a new post on the Abuse thread and comment if I am off the mark.

triangulation in abuse and cheating]

Thanks

V

[Vanilla]

Are we good?

V

[mustardseed]

Yes. I replied. That was a very insightful post.

[Vanilla]

Thanks, just needed to know as I quoted your sitch without asking.

V

[mustardseed]

That's fine V.

I'm starting a new thread.

Mustardseed sprouting
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2593297&#Post2593297