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Tomorrow is my last day. Back in April I though I would never make it here. Every day was a new kind of hell, but I made it to the end. I wish I could say I am happy or proud of myself for enduring, but right now it is all so bittersweet. I also had to let my hot new friend (HNF) go.Right now is not the right time for a fling, as tempting as it is. But I learned that I am still attractive to men (of many ages apparently), that I can find other men attractive without me comparing or being reminded of H. And that I can walk away from something I really want when it doesn't make sense. It also made it so much easier to detach from h. HNF was the ego boost and distraction I needed, but he was also the test of giving into temptation. I am begrudgingly passing the test.

Last edited by mustardseed; 06/25/15 01:17 AM.

40s 2teens M14Y
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Originally Posted By: mustardseed
Originally Posted By: PatientMan
Mustardseed,

Go back through and read some of your old threads. Where have you improved? Where are you still stuck?

Analyze. Set goals. Relentlessly pursue them.

-PM

I am having so much trouble with this right now PM.

I feel like I have back slid so much. Last summer I felt improved. Then I got sucked back in and let my guard down, only to be betrayed in a way I never experienced before--and I lost my way--severely and at a huge cost in so many aspects of my life.

I don't know where I am now. I feel like I am worse off then ever, praying this is the rock bottom because I can't tell yet if I hit it. I am making so many mistakes, and he is playing this like a chess game. I have become paranoid.


First things first. It doesn't matter if you have backslid and it doesn't matter where you are, it only matters that you are AWARE of it and that awareness allows you to analyze your situation to set your course and follow it.

So do not beat yourself up if you have slid back. Do not beat yourself up if you have made mistakes. It is all data that just goes into your brain/computer for you to process. Even if you messed up, you have more data to use going forward. Which is good.

My mind kind of works that way and I hope you find it useful.

Originally Posted By: mustardseed
Today, with work, I finally gave into the sadness of that loss. My marriage is still in free fall. Living in the same home is such a nightmare right now. It feels unsafe--not physically, but emotionally and I am frightened about what he might have up his sleeve. I keep hoping to catch a glimpse of the old him, so that I will feel safe again. But the more I try, the more he shows this evil side. Fear is in control right now.

You need to detach from this man, for your own safety and sanity. Read up on it as much as you can. There are plenty of practical steps you can take - i.e. things you can do and think about during your day to work on this.

Tangentially, I always hated the "you need to detach" comments followed by no actual methodology to get there. I believe there are some compilation posts now which are very helpful on the subject that should be useful to you. I know for me, if I can think about something while I'm going through it, it helps me. Like cues for a golf swing (where are my hips and shoulders aligned...what are my elbows doing, etc.). If I can think about those cues while I am actually in a situation where I need to work on detaching, then I am able to focus on that and not the emotional side of what might be transpiring.

Again, my mind kind of works that way and I hope you find it useful.

Originally Posted By: mustardseed
I am trying to think of goals. Right now I feel like I am in survival mode.

My main goal is one that deals with the legal end of this, that I would rather not discuss here.

I guess my other goals right now, is to find myself again.

I plan on doing some GAL stuff this summer. I am going to take surf lessons. I am going away for the night tomorrow.

My other goal will of course be to find a new job.

I think for right now those are the two things I have to focus on.

The GAL stuff is easy to be specific with.

Okay, good. Be specific and make an actual list with items and dates and whatever else you want. You don't have to post it here, just hold yourself accountable to it.

Originally Posted By: mustardseed
I have a tough road ahead of me. I am pretty sure I am still falling right now--this is going to be a really ugly divorce--it already is really ugly. He has no intention of creating a civil relationship between us.

Cross that bridge when you come to it. Right now you are working on you, and that is enough.

-PM


M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds

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You put it on google calendar regardless of what he wants. It will take some getting in the habit, but if that hasn't been your practice in the past, it will need to become so in the near future anyway. It doesn't matter what he wants on this. You do it and then link it to your phone if you have a smartphone, or just to have from anywhere. If he challenges you, just say that you both have problems with dates (as you said) and you need it as a reminder and a convenient way that works for you to keep the schedule straight.

You tell him that you will make appointments for the kids there (for things like doctors visits and what not), and he can check it and add it to his spread sheet if he doesn't want to do it online. If he really resists, you can set it up w/ e-mail notification to him.

I know that seems like a big hassle, but the reality is that you will need to develop impersonal means of coordinating schedules as well as personal means. It is just a blunt reality of your future until your kids have flown the nest, and technology makes that easier.

I agree w/ the others on your H's abusive/controlling behavior attempts (& am truly sorry you have to suffer this), but you are doing great standing up for yourself. This is one way to do this.

BTW, I read back to the mustard seed story (in your early posts), and you might find another mustard seed story (Kisagotami and the mustard seed) speaks to you (although it is from the Buddhist tradition). In it, a mother is distraught over the death of her baby, and desperately goes from house to house in her village to find a medicine that will bring her baby back to her. She is sent to the Buddha, and he says he knows of such a medicine, but it requires mustard seed from a household that has not known a loved one to have died. She sets out with zeal to find this, going from family to family. She discovers that every household has been touched by the death of a loved one, and comes to realize that her pain is not unique to her. She learns that it is personal in its impact, but not personal. It connects her to the pain of others, and allows her to open up to a larger understanding and compassion that ultimately allows her to move beyond that most tragic of situations and grow. It is better done in the real telling than my clumsy attempt. It ends in one translation with "He that thou lovest slept dead on thy bosom yesterday: today thou knowest the whole world weeps with thy woe." We do weep with thy woe. Peace.

Last edited by asitis; 06/25/15 04:47 AM.

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Originally Posted By: PatientMan

It is all data that just goes into your brain/computer for you to process. Even if you messed up, you have more data to use going forward. Which is good.

My mind kind of works that way and I hope you find it useful.

That is a good way to think of it. Now I have to pay attention to that data.

Originally Posted By: PatientMan

You need to detach from this man, for your own safety and sanity. Read up on it as much as you can. There are plenty of practical steps you can take - i.e. things you can do and think about during your day to work on this.

Tangentially, I always hated the "you need to detach" comments followed by no actual methodology to get there. I believe there are some compilation posts now which are very helpful on the subject that should be useful to you. I know for me, if I can think about something while I'm going through it, it helps me. Like cues for a golf swing (where are my hips and shoulders aligned...what are my elbows doing, etc.). If I can think about those cues while I am actually in a situation where I need to work on detaching, then I am able to focus on that and not the emotional side of what might be transpiring.

Again, my mind kind of works that way and I hope you find it useful.

I'll have to try that. Since I have been distracted by HNF I haven't given H much thought at all. But I know that is a fleeting thing. A distraction. And something that is not sustainable. But I recognize that it is a detached feeling. If I can find a way to keep that feeling without making things more complicated I'd be golden. So I need some healthier distractions.

Originally Posted By: PatientMan

Okay, good. Be specific and make an actual list with items and dates and whatever else you want. You don't have to post it here, just hold yourself accountable to it.

So a wrench was thrown into my summer of rebuilding plans. I thought I was getting a nice lump sum to cover my summer pay, but apparently, because I started mid year I was not given the option to have my pay checks divided to allow me to get paid throughout the summer. So I got my last check today, and it is just enough to cover one pay period. This really puts a huge rush on me finding a new job. I was able to pick up some summer tutoring work, and hopefully I will be able to pick up some more, which will keep me afloat, but will not allow for any extra spending. Surfing lessons might have to go.

I am terrified right now. I really thought I'd have a 2 month buffer, plus some unemployment pay to allow me some flexibility, now I am wondering if I can even meet the bills. I am fully buffered through July, but come August I don't know if I will have enough.

But what I can do.
1) Move this divorce forward
[list]
[*]finish the statement of net worth this weekend
[*]Meet with the lawyer to find out what the next steps are
2) Improve my physique
[*]start logging my food again. I am at my goal weight but I don't want to gain or lose anymore. [
*]start a strength training program. Aim for 3 1 hour work outs a week.
[*]30 minutes of movement activities every day. Walks, runs, swimming, surfing (if I can afford it).
3) Clean up. Get my house back in order.
[*]Spend at least 15 minutes a day on decluttering activities.
4) Find a job
[*]apply to teaching positions and assistant positions that have benefits
[*]Finish the paper work for the agency so I can do SIET work.
5) Date myself
[*]Every day I want to get dressed to impress. To feel good about myself. I will pretend that I am always ready for a date. With me.

Originally Posted By: PatientMan
Cross that bridge when you come to it. Right now you are working on you, and that is enough.

-PM

Ok. It is hard to plan for the future, but not think about it too much. If you get my drift. For example, I need to make sure I am giving myself a safety net, because I don't know what is coming. I don't know how much I will need. I don't know what my earning potential is right now. I need to look for jobs, but I don't know where I will be living, I don't know how my work might effect my custody issues. I need to trust that it is all in God's hands, while also getting my ducks in a row for some unknown journey.

Today, at work, I was so angry. My assistants really are nasty people. How did I end up with this bunch. They are all new to the school, and don't understand how things work, but they refuse to listen. A parent texted one of them to tell her that the student was going to be picked up instead of taking the bus. First of all, a parent should not be communicating directly with a teaching assistant. This was made clear when they first came into my room. Second of all, any changes in dismissal needs to go through the office. Even me--the teacher--getting a text message about a change in dismissal doesn't fly. So I told her, "unless she contacted the office, we need to put him on the bus." And they all started arguing with me. Jeez, I don't make the policies.

Then another asked me if I was excited that it was all over. She knows full well what is going on with me. I told her I was feeling kind of angry, especially because I had just found out about my last pay check. I said, "it seems like when it rains it pours." and she sarcastically said, "well, it seems like it is always pouring with you." I was dumbfounded. I said, "well, it's a shame that you had to meet me during the most tumultuous time of my life. I'm usually a very optimistic and laid back person." She then changed her tune and said, "yeah you have a lot going on" but I know it is all just phony. I honestly never had trouble getting along with people before. All of these women--the new ones--seem to have had it in for me from the beginning. The other one, who has been there for a while, was also on the receiving end. Although the way she handled it was to become nasty with everyone including me. I feel like they all teamed up together to help push me out and get one of their own in.

But it is time to move on. I have to stop with the paranoid thoughts. It is over, and hopefully something better is coming. This position wasn't for me. I wasn't ready for it, or perhaps just not the right person for it. My team was a disaster, and I didn't have the chutzpah to rein them in.

I kept up my spirits until I got my kids on their bus lines, then as I was walking back a beloved coworker gave me a hug and I lost it. I ended up hiding out in a friend's classroom until we were given the green light to go home. I really loved a lot of the people I worked with. But those newbies really were all so full of themselves. And having them put in my room--the forgotten room where we were left out of everything going on in the school, just fed their egos. Even down to the kindergarten moving up ceremony, they all wanted to walk down the aisle with their kids. Luckily the other K teachers backed me up with that. I liked seeing other teachers react to them the way they did, because I always felt so outnumbered and it made me question if I was the one who was wrong. Then when we were in the mainstream I was able to see that, no I'm not crazy, you are all trying to make it all about you rather than thinking about what is best for the kids. And part of it is that they didn't quite understand what their role as teaching assistant was. They were new at this. Just like I was new at managing them. Since I was an assistant for so long I was baffled at how they handled themselves. But I guess I failed to recognize that they didn't know what their role was meant to be, and they all like being in charge.

Live and learn. it is all data.


40s 2teens M14Y
BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14
BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14
EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues
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Originally Posted By: mustardseed
Date myself
[*]Every day I want to get dressed to impress. To feel good about myself. I will pretend that I am always ready for a date. With me.
Hello MS,

I stopped by to see how things have been progressing. PM has given you some great advice.

Wow, you sure do have a lot on your plate and I don't blame you one bit for being "terrified." You will make it, one little step at a time.

I loved your list of things you can do, especially the one above. Good for you!

I will keep you in my thoughts and daily prayers.

*Hugs*

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
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Originally Posted By: asitis
You put it on google calendar regardless of what he wants. It will take some getting in the habit, but if that hasn't been your practice in the past, it will need to become so in the near future anyway. It doesn't matter what he wants on this. You do it and then link it to your phone if you have a smartphone, or just to have from anywhere. If he challenges you, just say that you both have problems with dates (as you said) and you need it as a reminder and a convenient way that works for you to keep the schedule straight.

You tell him that you will make appointments for the kids there (for things like doctors visits and what not), and he can check it and add it to his spread sheet if he doesn't want to do it online. If he really resists, you can set it up w/ e-mail notification to him.

I know that seems like a big hassle, but the reality is that you will need to develop impersonal means of coordinating schedules as well as personal means. It is just a blunt reality of your future until your kids have flown the nest, and technology makes that easier.

I agree w/ the others on your H's abusive/controlling behavior attempts (& am truly sorry you have to suffer this), but you are doing great standing up for yourself. This is one way to do this.

BTW, I read back to the mustard seed story (in your early posts), and you might find another mustard seed story (Kisagotami and the mustard seed) speaks to you (although it is from the Buddhist tradition). In it, a mother is distraught over the death of her baby, and desperately goes from house to house in her village to find a medicine that will bring her baby back to her. She is sent to the Buddha, and he says he knows of such a medicine, but it requires mustard seed from a household that has not known a loved one to have died. She sets out with zeal to find this, going from family to family. She discovers that every household has been touched by the death of a loved one, and comes to realize that her pain is not unique to her. She learns that it is personal in its impact, but not personal. It connects her to the pain of others, and allows her to open up to a larger understanding and compassion that ultimately allows her to move beyond that most tragic of situations and grow. It is better done in the real telling than my clumsy attempt. It ends in one translation with "He that thou lovest slept dead on thy bosom yesterday: today thou knowest the whole world weeps with thy woe." We do weep with thy woe. Peace.


I am going to set up the google calendar today. It will be much easier then his calendar that I have to go searching through old emails for. I love that story of a mustard seed. Never heard it before, but it is so true.


40s 2teens M14Y
BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14
BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14
EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues
Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15
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Originally Posted By: Bob723
Originally Posted By: mustardseed
Date myself
[*]Every day I want to get dressed to impress. To feel good about myself. I will pretend that I am always ready for a date. With me.
Hello MS,

I stopped by to see how things have been progressing. PM has given you some great advice.

Wow, you sure do have a lot on your plate and I don't blame you one bit for being "terrified." You will make it, one little step at a time.

I loved your list of things you can do, especially the one above. Good for you!

I will keep you in my thoughts and daily prayers.

*Hugs*

Bob


Thank you. Today I woke up without anxiety but with a feeling of loss. Tears can be healthy, and I hope these are the healthy kind.


40s 2teens M14Y
BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14
BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14
EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues
Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15
D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
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Msd

I am thinking about you and your sitch.

Fins look tough but honey you are one of the strongest here, one of the most imaginative, one of the most talented.

I believe in Msd. Now let's have a plan.

So what is happening on the Fin front?

What plans to earn the extra cash?

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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I am away with the kids at a family function. It was a good day but I can't sleep. I just realized today was the day h and ow were signed up for a charity run with h's college buddy. The buddy's wife checked in on fb and it just hit me that now ow is in and i am out with that crew. Made me angry. Not even sad fbecause he is no longer worth my sadness, but angry. It is humiliating.

HNF contacted me today. And I feel so torn. Why is it a bad idea to pursue this? Yes, I'm still married but that didn't stop h. I know it will only be a very brief fling because he is returning to his country at the end of the month, so there will be no long term emotional investment on either end. And that's good. I don't want a relationship just some companionship. A fling. A few dates. Everyone tells me I need to just leave it alone, and I kind of believe them but I don't quite understand why. What's the worst that could happen?


Last edited by mustardseed; 06/28/15 05:14 AM.

40s 2teens M14Y
BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14
BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14
EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues
Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15
D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Joined: Nov 2013
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Originally Posted By: Vanilla
Msd

I am thinking about you and your sitch.

Fins look tough but honey you are one of the strongest here, one of the most imaginative, one of the most talented.

I believe in Msd. Now let's have a plan.

So what is happening on the Fin front?

What plans to earn the extra cash?

V

Hi v. Just wanted to let you know I am thinking on this and will respond soon.


40s 2teens M14Y
BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14
BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14
EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues
Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15
D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
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