It is good to recognize that bitterness and resentment before it begins to consume us. Just acknowledging its there and trying to understand where it came from can be a huge help in stopping it from progressing. Keep working on yourself and forget him, nothing you can do but fight yourself more on it. You know what you have to do for yourself, nothing else to worry about right now. You got this.
Yes, I realized that it did help. I was able to experience the feelings without reacting. And good things happened. I let myself go out of my comfort zone a bit. D had a birthday party and by offering to help out with some of the transportation issues I ended up first running into someone who I haven't seen in a while (who just happened to be at the same place as the party) who is also going through a D.
Her H and my H were very close friends. We were all friends, neighbors with kids around the same age, although they moved many years ago and she and I drifted a bit as a result.
Her sitch started around the same time as mine (in fact I found out about it a month after my BD), although I think they are much further along in the process. He has been out of the house for a year and a half. Seeing her, led to making plans to catch up. It was interesting how seeing her made me feel like the fog that has overcome my thoughts was cleared for a moment. Just the hello hug was enough for me to feel like I was with someone who really gets it because she is going through it.
It then allowed me to take some chances and to accept an invitation to have a drink with the parents of the birthday girl. These people were aquaintences, and normally I would have passed, but I figured why not. It was so nice to have adult conversation that didn't revolve around my chaos. I felt normal again. By the end I did end up opening up a bit by saying I was going through a lot of changes right now. But it was not an unloading. It was not a therapy session, which is what I feel most of my conversations have turned into as of late. I really felt like an individual. Like a real, complete person having a normal social interaction with other real people. It wasn't a forced GAL.
It also was a connection to the living and schooling situation that wasn't about H and OW (both who work at the school that our kids attend and where we live). It was the first time in a long time I wasn't feeling paranoid by being among people in that circle. I really felt like things were ok. Like I wasn't being judged or whispered about. That I came across as strong and confident. Enough where they didn't even suspect I was living in hell.
It really felt good. I don't think I would have accepted the invitation to stay if I hadn't run into the other person before. But something about seeing her reminded me that once upon a time I could socialize with other adults without dissolving into a pathetic mess. It felt so good to feel normal again. I hope I can keep it up. And I really hope me and the friends I ran into keep the promise we made to get together soon.
Last edited by mustardseed; 06/19/1504:19 AM.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Go back through and read some of your old threads. Where have you improved? Where are you still stuck?
Analyze. Set goals. Relentlessly pursue them.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
I definitely need to go back to goal setting. Today was the last full day of work. There has been so much tension among my TAs and the one who is taking over my job has been pulled to do different things without anyone letting me know. Another TA has been nasty to everyone and I finally ended up setting a boundary with her. So much it will do now that the year is over. But I had to tell her that I need to be kept in the loop. She said that she has felt like she hasn't been in the loop. And the issue is that the communcation has been so awful. No one tells anyone in our room what is going on, and none of us ever had any chance to meet to touch base. The last full day of school this finally came up. I ended up just opening up to them about how I am just looking back at everything that went wrong, and how sad I am that I am leaving this school that I worked for, for so long, in this way. They also expressed how frustrating the year was and how there was no communication. I broke down a bit. One of my TA's was offering encouragement about how a new chapter will begin and qualified that by saying that she is a glass half ffull kind of person. I told her that I used to be, too, but right now I feel like my glass is shattered. And I really hope that one day I will be back there. Right now I am finding it impossible to get a hold of my emotions. I feel like they are not within my control. And that is a new experience for me.
Then I took the kids to see Inside Out. All I can say is WOW! It really opened my eyes to what I am experiencing. To that reality of how when you are going through a crisis you can't just mind over matter things. And it made me forgive myself. I cried throughout the entire movie. My daughter saw the movie last night as well and she told me it was sad, but I was crying the whole time because all the while I was thinking, THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT MUST BE HAPPENING INSIDE ME AT THIS VERY MOMENT!
I can't wait to see it again!
As far as H. He is starting to frighten me. His mixed messages are obviously intended to set me up, I believe. I am making sure I clarify all conversations we have in text since his words and his body language are so contradictory. Today I could sense stifled rage. Later I realized it was because he made some sort of kid schedule for the summer. It pretty much included the days he planned to be MIA, and this weekend--I am going away tomorrow night and since it was father's day weekend I didn't think it would be an issue. Apparently he has plans tomorrow so the kids are going to sleep over his sister's. On that schedule he put down that he would have the kids today and sunday. I forgot about that. We didn't fill in every weekend, it really was just things that were already planned for each of us either with or without the kids. I didn't even think of it when I mentioned that I wanted to take the kids to the movies. We were only gone for 2 hours. And I asked him before I took them, he said fine, although I could tell he was annoyed. When we got back he was in a quiet rage. The tension was unbearable so I asked him if he was angry and if he could tell me if there was something I did that bothered him. He responsed in his typical non-commital way, "we have nothing to discuss" "don't talk to me" "just stick to the schedule". AHA, there it was. I told him that I am sorry if I upset him by taking the kids, but that if he had a problem with it he should have told me. I noticed he was video taping me. Then he turned off the video and started walking toward me, but accused me of cornering him. So I turned to leave and he walked passed me than accused me of following him. I continued the conversation through text. Tell him that I sensed tension and I wanted to clear it up. That if he could tell me what I did that upset him, then we can put it passed us. He completely ignored. I am starting to suspect he is trying to bait me.
I kept my calm. I was frustrated and I felt my frustration voice coming out (which he likes to say is yelling), but I stopped myself. I'm starting to be afraid of him. I think he is playing some sick game to bait me into reacting badly. Setting boundaries with stonewalling is really difficult. Walking away just feeds the tension. Trying to address it at least removes the tension, unfortunately it also doesn't solve anything, and I am afraid I am giving him ammo to use against me. He has become scary.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Go back through and read some of your old threads. Where have you improved? Where are you still stuck?
Analyze. Set goals. Relentlessly pursue them.
-PM
I am having so much trouble with this right now PM.
I feel like I have back slid so much. Last summer I felt improved. Then I got sucked back in and let my guard down, only to be betrayed in a way I never experienced before--and I lost my way--severely and at a huge cost in so many aspects of my life.
I don't know where I am now. I feel like I am worse off then ever, praying this is the rock bottom because I can't tell yet if I hit it. I am making so many mistakes, and he is playing this like a chess game. I have become paranoid.
Today, with work, I finally gave into the sadness of that loss. My marriage is still in free fall. Living in the same home is such a nightmare right now. It feels unsafe--not physically, but emotionally and I am frightened about what he might have up his sleeve. I keep hoping to catch a glimpse of the old him, so that I will feel safe again. But the more I try, the more he shows this evil side. Fear is in control right now.
I am trying to think of goals. Right now I feel like I am in survival mode.
My main goal is one that deals with the legal end of this, that I would rather not discuss here.
I guess my other goals right now, is to find myself again.
I plan on doing some GAL stuff this summer. I am going to take surf lessons. I am going away for the night tomorrow.
My other goal will of course be to find a new job.
I think for right now those are the two things I have to focus on.
The GAL stuff is easy to be specific with. The job search I am struggling with. I feel defeated right now. Questioning what I always thought I new about myself, my abilities, my interests. I don't know how much of these questions are due to my current state of mind, and how much of it is truth.
I have a tough road ahead of me. I am pretty sure I am still falling right now--this is going to be a really ugly divorce--it already is really ugly. He has no intention of creating a civil relationship between us.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
You will be ok on this Msd. Guaranteed I Internet promise.
V
Thank you for that. I can't wait to get to the point of being able to move on.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Msd I put a recovery post on the abuse thread, I was thinking of you as I did so.
What would I like to tell Msd about recovery?
Yes, Msd this is a scary and confusing time. WH knows he has lost control of Msd and he is afraid of you. I know that seems bizarre and counter intuitive. Now you know and understand what is happening, you are no longer spell bound and have the talisman of truth. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.
The bell can never be unrung, H is now on shaky ground, the earthquake arises and WH has lost part of himself. That good part that is Msd. Expect many tricks for WH will want to regain control of himself and his sitch. Recording you is going to be standard, that is because he feels he needs to "prove" his upside down view. Start recording H and his unpleasantness quietly and for your benefit. It wouldn't surprise me if WH tried sneaky scary honeymoon style syrup either. Expect anything at this stage, even love bombing.
There is no need to apologise to WH for taking your children to a movie. Is the schedule online Msd? I recollect both HPoirot and Mozza have online schedules which makes planning easier and removes discord. I must see inside out, sounds amazing.
I am thinking about the communications issues with regard to your work and would like to chat that through with you in a different post because that has been informative to me and I think I can learn from that myself.
Msd think about a switch to email on admin rather than text. It's less instant, easier to track and trace your thoughts. You can test responses here on the board. Nothing you do or say will be ok in WH mixed up world at present.
Thank you V. I read the post and responded. He is definitely fitting the description. I need to talk to my lawyer about our recent conversations. I really am starting to realize that everything I do and say is being held against. And he is not saying anything. It is all body language, and sneaky behaviors. He had some papers today. He folded them up then brought them out to his car.
The schedule was something he most have done on excel. When he first suggested making one I was opposed. I didn't want him to be in control of that. We are still living in the same home and the kids are used to me being around and making plans to do things last minute, like yesterday. However, when I saw the schedule I realized it was more about dates that he did not want the kids, rather than when I get to have them. So I was relieved and agreed to it. This weekend was particularly sticky for him. My mind reading has led me to believe that it is because OW doesn't have her kids. But who knows. It must be that he was feeling threatened by the control. He didn't like me saying, you will have the kids father's day weekend beccause I will be away.
The schedule clarified those dates for both of us. I sugggested using a google calendar so we can make modifications as needed. He ignored that suggestion. I asked him to fill in the calendar we have hanging in the kitchen, because searching for an email that has a spreadsheet calendar is difficult. Neither of us are very good about keeping dates straight, and we both tend to be last minute, fly by the seat of our pants types.
Anyway, I don't think I violated anything since it was only a 2 hour movie and he had no plans with them anyway. He has been home with them since Wednesday. My D had been wanting to go to target, which I told her was a weekend trip not a mid week trip. Too much traffic to get there. I told her she should ask H since he would be home with them. She never asked him. When he is home with them he takes a lot of naps, they say. Or he goes down to the school. I guess avoiding home isn't just for my benefit.
I can't wait until I get the green light to leave--with my kids. If it weren't for the kids I would have left before everything had gotten this bad.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
The schedule is it available on the family computer?
How do you add to it or change it?
Fly by the seat is often necessary with kids.
How will you know you have a green light? Where do you plan to go to?
V
We don't have a family computer. I have a laptop I shares with the kids, and he has his own. The schedule was just emailed to me as an attachment. I dont think I can make changes to it. I don't know. It looked like excel. I only pulled it up on my phone so I will have to try on the computer and see. I guess I would have to tell him if i have something coming up. I really don't know. I plan on just continuing as is. If I'm home I will do stuff with the kids unless he says he wants to. If I have plans that means I will not be around the kids, I will let him know ahead of time. He can deal with his own schedule.
If I have plans that include the kids I will also notify him ahead of time to make sure there is no conflict.
Who knows.
I guess when the lawyer tells me I can leave I will. I am so scared right now by the bizarre way he has been acting--and by my reaction to it. He has something brewing and whatever it is the goal is to destroy me.
I had a great night away last night. It was really odd. I had an admirer and we did some heavy flirting. He is way to young for me to consider anything beyond flirtation, but it was fun to do. We must have exchanged numbers, I don't remember, but he contacted me this morning. I need to be careful about this, though. I'm still married.
I Dreaded heading back home but no one but the dog is here. My emotions were all over the place today--and there was definitely anxiety. I kept picturing the Inside Out characters having at it in my head as they passed over me. I have some work to do, the last big deadline before I can shut the door on this job. Sigh. 4 more days.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
