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New thread...in which it is time to start thinking about closure rather than clinging.

This past Sunday I went to my Beloved and deceased grandmother's church. The topic was the mustard seed. For the object lesson the pastor showed the kids a container of coriander from his spice rack that he said he only ever uses for when this scripture is part of the lessons. All of the adults chuckled, but it got me thinking.

There in that container was more tiny mustard seeds than anyone would care to count, yet there they sit useless in a jar. Is that what I've been doing with my own mustard seed? Waiting until I am ready to fully believe in its significant for that one right time? What is the purpose of one tiny mustard seed if it is just put on a rack and ignored until a more convenient time? And what purpose is it serving if I am keeping it in my pocket saying, hey I have it now show me it's splendor--I'm waiting---what's the hold up?

These are the two extremes I've been waffling with. Completely disregarding it until it is convenient for me, and then expecting instant miracles by obsessing over it when I feel it is all I have left to do.

The problem is, what use is a single mustard seed if it doesn't get buried? If the splendor of that tiny mustard seed is that a bountiful shrub grows from the tiniest seed, then that means that seed needs to be planted. It cannot do what it needs to do if I keep it in my pocket. In my pocket it will remain a tiny mustard seed.

So it is time for me to plant that seed. To bury it. To let it do what it needs to do to reach its full potential. I can't make it a shrub. But God can. The laws of nature and the universe can, and does with consistency.

I started exploring step 2 more in depth last night. Came to believe a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity.

Well staring at a tiny mustard seed and expecting a miracle to happen before my eyes, just because I will it to, is not sanity. So instead I will make the decision (because that is about as far as I can go today) to trust the laws of nature, God's plan. By burying that seed I am not giving up my faith, instead I am giving it the resources it needs to grow. These are not resources I can provide. Burying is planting. Closure is opportunity. My tragedy, my crisis, this nightmare of my job and my marriage is not over yet, I am still reaching the peak of this challenge, but I am starting to focus on the idea that once I get to the top of this I will be able to see what opportunities lie on the other side. I don't quite trust that as truth just yet. But I can accept it as a possibility.

So for the next phase it Is time for me to make steps towards closure.

Another thing that I am ready to understand (not quite there yet but I can take the first step in being ready for it) is that detachment is not apathy. These past few months as I climbed this miserable, torturous mountain I felt my options were to throw myself off of it (taking control that will lead to a certain--although tragic--end), or stop moving altogether, crawl into a cave, and stay put until I whither away (giving up my power completely in apathy which will also lead to a certain tragic--albeit slower and more painful tragic end).

All of you here, and my irl support system has forced me to keep taking steps forward in spite of my hopelessness. I can't see the peak of this climb, but I'm starting to sense that it is there, and that it is closer than the bottom right now. Thank you all for keeping me moving forward. For letting me rest, but getting me back on my feet before I give up. I am not thinking about throwing myself off the cliff quite as much anymore. I still flirt with the reckless behaviors that could lead to that on occasion (pleading, pursuing, lecturing in my marriage. gossiping, passive aggressive body language, and turning my back on things at work) but I am recognising the danger and pulling myself back from the edge when realize it.

So today I will prepare myself to accept that it is time to bury these things of been clinging to. It is time to accept that the peak of this crisis does exist and every day I am getting a bit closer. It is time for me to understand that clinging to a mustard seed will not make it grow--will actually prevent it from growing. Today I will make the decision to accept these things.


40s 2teens M14Y
BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14
BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14
EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues
Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15
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Last post from previous thread.
Originally Posted By: mustardseed
Thank you Maybell. Yesterday work was a sh!show. All of my TAs are at each other's throats. Complaining about each other to the principal. Snapping at each other and the kids. The kids were off the wall.

And of course I started my morning off with more pleading. More trying to get answers I won't ever get. Getting served divorce papers by a process server at my house on Monday--even though my lawyer had already accepted service on my behalf and sent me the papers Friday had an impact. It's like he is twisting the knife getting served twice. My lawyer is baffled at the behavior of his.

That coupled with the fact that the kids were not home gave me permission to react in unproductive, crazy making ways. Still pushing button a and expecting different results.

Anyway, it is time for a new thread.
See you over there.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2579116&#Post2579116


40s 2teens M14Y
BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14
BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14
EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues
Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15
D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
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tests to my decision to detach. He said he had to go. I just smiled and said ok. Inside my curiosity and jealousy was bubbling to pursue for answers. But I asked nothing. Took the kids out to dinner. S13 asked where dad went. Told him I don't know with as such pma as I could muster. I will make up a story in my head to keep from obsessing. I got correspondence from my lawyer I will assume he did too and that's where he is. Honestly there is only one place I don't want him to be. The one place I am sure he is hoping I am assuming he is. But there is nothing I can do about it so I need to release the obsession and focus on me.

Last edited by mustardseed; 06/17/15 10:56 PM.

40s 2teens M14Y
BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14
BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14
EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues
Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15
D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
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I too become obsessed wanting to know where she is what shes I doing, and I am proud to say that Ive had several times, once, I wanted to open her Cell phone bill and didn't, once I saw her driving and wanted to follow and didn't, yesterday she usually goes to the gym where I go and didn't see her, but she told the kids she was there. little by little im learning to let go. Hang in there!


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"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"
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Originally Posted By: mustardseed
tests to my decision to detach. He said he had to go. I just smiled and said ok. Inside my curiosity and jealousy was bubbling to pursue for answers. But I asked nothing.
Hi Mustard,

This is so tough and just not right. I am very proud of you that you did not pursue...you should give yourself a pat on the back. wink

I like what RG2000 wrote after your last post. You are not alone! Most of us deal with the same feelings.

Please try to keep your chin up. I'll dedicate a prayer for you right after I post this.

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
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I love all of the wonderful support from this board. He is home. See. I could have made myself crazy and all worked up for nothing. And those bad feelings would have led to more irrational thoughts. But I let go and kept a PMA and all was well.


40s 2teens M14Y
BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14
BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14
EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues
Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15
D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
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Yay! grin

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Joined: Nov 2013
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Woke up this morning feeling loss and ssadness. Just a feeling. No particular thoughts attached. I haven't woke feeling that way in many months. It passed quickly and was replaced by more wasted headspace on ow. But that passed by the time I got out of the shower. I had to go downstairs to get clothes and coffee and he woke up--he sleeps on the couch which iis why I avoid ddownstairs as much as possible. He got up and was still fully dressed in a button down shirt and corduroy pants. Yes. In mid June june no air conditioner that's how he slept. I don't know why I took note of that, it isn't unusual for him to not change before going to bed, but I guess it just annoyed me enough to bring out my negativity. I stated quiet but I feel like my annoyances through. He rushed out to the patio as fast as possible. The whole thing made me feel superior surperior and smug. Not good. Not healthy.so I recognized this, came back upupstairs and I'm trying to trying to put the focus back on me. Trying to find a peace that can give me a more genuine Pma rather than a bitter smug one.

Bitterness. That's what I'm feeling. That causes me to behave in unhealthy ways. It is good to recognize this. Deep breaths. Time to clean up my side of the street and stop worrying about his. If he feels the need to sleep fully dressed and rush out of the house when I come downstairs so what? It's a waste of my time to judge, and it isn't doing anyone any good. Feeling superior over something so stupid is petty and honestly embarrassing that I stoop to that. Time to let it go. Keep cleaning up my side of the street.


40s 2teens M14Y
BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14
BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14
EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues
Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15
D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Joined: Feb 2015
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It is good to recognize that bitterness and resentment before it begins to consume us. Just acknowledging its there and trying to understand where it came from can be a huge help in stopping it from progressing. Keep working on yourself and forget him, nothing you can do but fight yourself more on it. You know what you have to do for yourself, nothing else to worry about right now. You got this.


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Dearest Mustard,

I second Fogg's thoughts. smile

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
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