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Defacto Offline OP
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Rip,
Thanks! The trivia company down here is called Think & Drink. This will be just our third week so we haven't hit our stride yet.

As far as GAL partners, most of my friends are married with children too so I have had to do things with some different groups of friends. I wish I still had some single guy friends LOL.


Me:35 W:30
D:4 S:1
Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA
In House Separation: 01/14/15
W moves out: 04/05/15
I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15
W serves D papers: 06/19/15
Mediation: 09/16/15
D final: 12/01/15
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 569
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STBX texted me this morning and said that she would like to talk to me about something D4 said last night before bed. I texted her back and said I would call in a bit. When I called, STBX told me that she was talking with D4 last night about being able to confide in her for anything. D4 told her that she has secrets with daddy. STBX was very concerned with this and wanted to talk to me about it. I remained calm and supportive. I recounted a couple of conversations that D4 and I have had in the past few days that could apply to the secrets she was referring to. I then asked to speak with D4 on speakerphone. I told her that she could share any secret with STBX. D4 agreed.

I told STBX that she was right for being concerned and wanting to talk with me about it. I also thanked her for being available for D4 to confide in. We then talked about a few parenting things and said goodbye.

I am pleased with how I handled this call. Of course I am insulted that STBX would even think of me that way. But I can understand a mother's concern and she would be wrong not to follow up. I was calm, soft spoken, and validated STBX's concern. I think this is a big 180 because the old Defacto would have become very agitated and defensive at the mere implication of such a thing. However, I was able to see STBX's perspective and casually address her concerns.


Me:35 W:30
D:4 S:1
Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA
In House Separation: 01/14/15
W moves out: 04/05/15
I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15
W serves D papers: 06/19/15
Mediation: 09/16/15
D final: 12/01/15
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 449
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How sad for D4.

It could be just typical competitive female thoughts and feelings in D4 that, like many very young girls, cause them to actually compete with their mothers for the love and attention of dad; however, with you two not being together right now, "competing" doesn't seem likely (but who knows with a 4 year old). I'd surmise that your daughter was more likely trying to make your wife jealous and manipulate your wife to get back together with you. It may be an indication that as good as you are trying to make things, your D4 is still feeling overwhelmed by her parent's conflict and trying to fix it, yet she's completely and obviously ill equipped to do so. Your DD4 could also be very perceptive and noticing your modified behavior around mom and projecting (taking on your emotions and carrying your torch). This could be the case especially if she's been listening to you speak to others about your fight for your marriage.

You may want to discuss this with your daughter very briefly. Probably not in relation to her saying anything about "secrets" to mommy. You don't need to call her out or expose her plans but a gentle reminder that she is not responsible for the problems you and mommy are having and that she's not responsible for fixing it either.

Children are narcissists. Everything happening around them relates to them. I know you've been a superbly supportive and attentive father lately but your wife is wayward and most likely failing as the great mother she's been up until this year. Your wife is probably a bit short tempered and inattentive. Distracted by her selfish desires and the typical wayward "it's time I think all about me for a change". Be careful not to speak for your wife because you don't REALLY know what life is like for your dd4 when she's alone with mom. DD4 just needs to know it's not about her. She didn't do anything to cause this and she isn't responsible for fixing it.

btw. If you actually do end up divorced. Your DD4 and you will have secrets because your life, to a large extent, would become none of your ex-wife's business. Just focus on your one-on-one relationship with DD4 and let your wife manage hers.


The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
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Defacto Offline OP
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GB,
This is great advice. When the time is right this weekend, I'll have a quick conversation with D4 like you suggested.

Journaling:
STBX dropped off the kids tonight. This was the first time I've seen her in person since last Monday. I went outside to meet them. STBX made a comment about me wearing cool shorts and cool shoes. I kind of laugh and jokingly say that "I guess I'm just a cool dude."

It was a fairly quick exchange. As we began to say goodbye I told her that my sister and her husband were coming over tonight for dinner to see the kids. She briefly asked about their visit and then we exchanged goodbyes.

My sister and her husband came over for dinner. It was a great time together and it was good for them to spend some time with the kids. Plus, I could tell the kids enjoyed it as well.

Been a good couple of days. Knock on wood. Hope it stays that way for a few more.


Me:35 W:30
D:4 S:1
Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA
In House Separation: 01/14/15
W moves out: 04/05/15
I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15
W serves D papers: 06/19/15
Mediation: 09/16/15
D final: 12/01/15
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,387
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Cheers Defacto, looks like a bit of a positive streak!

Take them where you can get them.

PP


M 39 W 36
T5 M3
BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day
Served 9/15
D finalized 6/17
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 569
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Another good day in the books. Work was slow and uneventful. They cut me loose early because of the holiday. When I got home, the kids and I headed over to the flower store (Home Depot) for some more patio plants. D4 has been asking to do this for days. Then, we planted the flowers and ate dinner. As I was finishing up their baths, STBX called.

I immediately put D4 on the phone but I had to guide the conversation because she wasn't very talkative. After a few minutes, STBX asked if she could talk with me.

STBX just vented about her mom asking for money to help watch the kids and just overall frustration with living with her parents. I just listened and validated where applicable. She mentioned more than once how she just needs to get her own place, etc. I told her I can imagine how frustrating her living situation is but inside I chuckled at the irony of it all. I asked what I owed for her my portion of her mom's childcare services. Later on, she told me she's trying to change her work shift and floor, etc. We said our goodbyes and wished each other a good night.

I was calm, soft spoken, and mainly just listened. I did tell her a funny story about her dad trying to make a Slurpee for the kids at my house today. There were some awkward silences on the call because I was trying not to pursue. I also found it odd that she called me by my first name a handful of times. I might be wrong, but it seems like it has been a while since she did this.

Anyway, time to get started on setting up the "tent" downstairs for D4 and I's weekly movie night and sleep over.
I work tomorrow but I'm excited to take the kids to see the "big" fireworks when I get home.

I hope everyone has a great holiday weekend.


Me:35 W:30
D:4 S:1
Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA
In House Separation: 01/14/15
W moves out: 04/05/15
I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15
W serves D papers: 06/19/15
Mediation: 09/16/15
D final: 12/01/15
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,119
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Sounds like a very, very good day.

I hope you enjoy your sleep over w/ your D. Great fun to be able to be a kid again, even if it is only for a few hours out of a busy, stressful adult life.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 569
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Asitis,
Thanks for the support! Hope you had a great holiday.

Journaling:
Yesterday was a very slow day at work, as expected. I couldn't wait to get home to see the kiddos. I made small talk with MIL when I got home. Then I showed D4 and MIL the clothes I picked up for the kids while on my lunch break.

After I made dinner, the kids and I headed over to meet up with some friends at the local July 4th event. The kids had a blast running around the golf course, eating ice cream, and watching the fireworks. I held my kids close as they stated in awe up at the sky. I loved it as much as they did.

STBX didn't call but she did text to see how the kids enjoyed the fireworks. I replied that they loved it.
Her response:
"Awwww pics?"
"Sure. Here's a couple..."
(I sent four pics, two of which included me)
"Awww!!!!!! Those are beautiful!!!! I wish I was with you guys!"

I didn't reply to her last TM.

I also posted a different picture of the kids and I to Instagram last night. This morning STBX "liked" it and commented "I love this!!!!"

Anyway, trying not to read too much into STBX's enthusiastic response to the pictures from last night. But it does feel good to know that she misses being together with the kids sometimes.

Not sure what today will bring. I'm kind of tired from a six day work week. Might just lay low with the kids until I drop them off to STBX this afternoon. However, I definitely plan on watching the World Cup final tonight with some friends.


Me:35 W:30
D:4 S:1
Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA
In House Separation: 01/14/15
W moves out: 04/05/15
I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15
W serves D papers: 06/19/15
Mediation: 09/16/15
D final: 12/01/15
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 569
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Defacto Offline OP
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Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 569
Definitely an up and down day so far.

STBX called this morning. I answered and immediately put kids on speakerphone. They talked for a while with D4 told her about us planting flowers the other night. I started to say goodbye and asked if I could drop off kids at 3pm. In response, STBX commented that I didn't have the kids much this weekend because I had to work yesterday. She asked if I had plans and I told her that I did but later that evening. I told her I would love to have the kids for a bit longer and agreed to drop the kids off at 5pm instead.

I felt like this was a bit odd because I normally drop the kids off around 3 but I know that STBX has had some disagreements with MIL recently, so whatever. I will make the most of it.

Still had no concrete plans with the kids for the day at this point. I decided to grab a quick breakfast and take the kids to an indoor playground for the morning. We were there for around three hours and we were having a blast. Unfortunately, D4 was running with a toy and injured herself. The toy poked her on the roof of her mouth and she was bleeding.

After we left the indoor playground, I decided it was best to call STBX to notify her of the injury to D4 and to get her nursing perspective. STBX wanted to see the injury in person so we decided to meet in the parking lot of a grocery store.

When she got there, I thought it odd that she had her make up on as she would usually be sleeping after work but I didn't think about this for long. STBX appeared agitated as any parent would be if their child was injured while under the watch of the other parent. STBX takes a picture of D4's injury and tells me she is going to send it to a doctor friend. Well, guess who she sent it to? Anybody? The OM of course. Then, she proceeds to call him to talk about the picture she just sent him. Her greeting to OM didn't sound like they hadn't spoken to each other in ages either.

I decided to move to the other side of the car and spent time with S1 while she was on the phone. I wasn't about to just stand there next to her while she talked with OM. But I also didn't think it appropriate to address this based on the present situation. I ignored it, kept a PMA, and we all went into the grocery store to get some medicine and popsicles for D4.
I was holding D4 and just doing things to keep her spirits high.

We headed to our cars and I said that I would keep the kids until 5pm like originally planned. STBX did not protest. We loaded the kids in my car and gave them both popsicles.
STBX points out the blood on my shirt and sympathizes with me that I had to deal with everything with the injury. Surprisingly, she gives me a hug and thanks for being such a good dad.

The most important thing is D4 will be fine. STBX will take her to the pediatrician in the morning just to make sure. It's a bummer that D4 got injured and it doesn't make me feel any better that she texted/called OM because of it. And to top it all off, she might have already had plans to go see him anyway (asking me to keep kids later, already having makeup on).

Oh well, nothing I can do about it. Just need to continue being a rock star dad and keeping that PMA up by GAL'ing.


Me:35 W:30
D:4 S:1
Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA
In House Separation: 01/14/15
W moves out: 04/05/15
I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15
W serves D papers: 06/19/15
Mediation: 09/16/15
D final: 12/01/15
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 630
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Posts: 630
I feel for you man. I was served papers on the 6/19/15 as well. If you don't mind me asking, what is you plan going forward with the divorce? Do you have an attorney? Do you plan to drag things out in hopes of your W coming to reality?


Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs
EA: Started 3/2015
MC Started: 4/2015
She moved out and served 6/2015
PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015
2 young kids

"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
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