I need advice quick...please help

[Bob723]

Hi Teach,

I'm so sorry to hear you are having such a rough time. Matt has become one of my best buddies on this forum. Isn't he great?

There's an old saying: "Never run away from or toward anything too quickly." I think this applies in your case.

You are correct when you wrote "I just have to slow way down and get back to me." You may want to write this down and read it daily. Really - kind of like a self-affirmation.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. Go s-l-o-w.

*Hugs*

Bob

[teach3]

I couldn't sleep last night. I feel like it's the day after the bomb. I almost hate myself for being in love with him.

I can't believe what he says anymore, he isn't the guy I know and love. He is a stranger that is out for himself. My daughter told me he was out at the bar with a couple of 23 year old guys. I'm at home emotionally wrecked and he is making a fool out of himself and could care less.

I'm going to give myself today to feel this pain and then I have to pick myself back up. Detaching is so hard, I was doing good before he squeezed my heart to see if I'm still there for him.

[Elly4]

Hi Teach, I didn't see you started a new thread. Just found it today. I was wondering why you were so quiet.
Here's my response to you from my thread this morning. I am so sorry you are having a rough time!

I'm so sorry, Teach. I've been checking your thread daily as I was wondering what was happening for you. We really can't have expectations of our WAS as they are so screwed up right now.

Have you read Cadet's link to you on setting boundaries? It seems like you need to set some with your H. You are not deserving of this kind of behavior.

On the flip side, the best way to not let him get to you is for you to GAL. It is hard to do, I know, but you need to focus on you and your S. It will help with the hurt and confusion, help you to be more confident and knowledgeable about yourself, and the totally confuse your H. He's expecting you to react to his lukewarm offer to move back in and you need to stay cool and detached. Don't react to him as it's what's he's looking for.

I'll check back in with you later and am sending you lots of prayers.

hugs

E

[PatientMan]

Well tonight had a full blown melt down on the phone with H.

This caught my attention and I would like to plant a seed in your brain on another level of detachment. "Detachment" is a word that is thrown around a lot here as a magic answer to all of our problems, so I feel it prudent to expound a little bit on the subject as well as provide a personal insight I discovered that proved to be an invaluable tool to me.

Detachment IS an extremely integral part to the DB'ing process, but reading through various threads from time to time now, and reading through countless threads on here when I was more active (a few years ago) led me to the conclusion that many like to preach about detaching, but have no idea what they are talking about or even how to do it.

Let's operate under the assumption that you understand the basic premise of "detaching" (correct me if I am wrong). Intellectually understanding what it is (i.e. reading the blog-post from the LiveStrong website) and actually knowing what actions to take to achieve a level of detachment and then work to continually improve are two entirely separate concepts.

After reading up on various articles on detachment, you may find yourself asking "how do I do it?" To which most of the people on here (ignorant, but well-meaning), will provide you with a canned answer such as "GAL" and "it just takes time."

That is a load of crap.

Those are incomplete answers and an example of the blind leading the blind. Well intentioned, but still crap.

So back to my main point as I do not want to make this post so long as it deters people from the point I do want to make. Again, operating under the assumption that you know what "detaching" is, the next level of detachment is detaching from yourself.

(Yes, you read that correctly.)

The best way I have found to avoid emotional outbursts, to avoid being drawn into emotional conversations, to avoid someone else's actions hurting my feelings or bringing me down is to go through the exercise of, quite literally, detaching from yourself.

I've already gone on too long and if you are interested I may come back and expound on the practical application of such a strategy, but I at least want you to take away this:

Detaching is an intentional mental exercise that takes practice and self-discipline. With practice, though, it gets easier and easier. Time will not make it easier or make you better at it any more than time will make you a better basketball player. You actually have to pick up a ball, dribble it, and practice shooting if you want to improve.

Lastly, remain emotionless when in contact with your husband. If you have an outburst, mentally log it (or journal what happened), learn from that mistake, and move forward. Don't dwell on it or beat yourself up, just learn and move forward. This is very important - do you understand?

He is still coming but is back pedaling on the "And I will be happy" which I knew was stupid but my broken heart wanted to believe. I wanted to much to fast. I'm feeling so exhausted.

H wants to stress that he loves me but not like he should. Classic.
H says he is coming home to try and repair relationship with relationship with our son. Son says he will only see H if I'm around. HMMM interesting circle.

He doesn't know what he is doing. He is trying on several outfits to see what he likes best, which is why Cadet's first post always says to "Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does."

Read and reread Cadet's intro post until it is ingrained in your brain.
Read and reread Sandi's 37 rules until you know them by heart and live them out by habit.

You can do this, but you need to focus on YOU right now. The plane is going down, the cabin has lost air pressure, and you need to put your own mask on first before you can worry and panic about anyone else.

-PM

[teach3]

Thank you patientman. I am interested in learning more.

I feel like last night all the faith I had in repairing this was stripped away .

I will always love him so that's my burden to carry.

Everyone tells me to wake up he is using you until he gets his feet under him and then he will divorce you.

I read about good people on here trying their best for themselves but still desperately in love with their spouse.

Not many successful stories of people improving their own lives and then reconciling.

My H is still coming home on the 24th but only for 10 days...if he can stomach me. He is going through a crisis and I feel for him but he doesn't feel for anyone else, not even his children.

He is free from me. I haven't asked him to come back since the first week. I don't question him on money, woman, or where he goes.

I will my life back together an move forward but I don't know if I can live in his stupid "I love you but not like I should...but I will not divorce you." limbo land.

Today just isn't good. I'm paying good money for coaching and I feel like a fool grasping for straws.

[Bob723]

Hello Teach!

Wow, PatientMan's post is so good! I read it 2 times (thanks PatientMan).

I especially loved this:
"He doesn't know what he is doing. He is trying on several outfits to see what he likes best, which is why Cadet's first post always says to "Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does."

Read and reread Cadet's intro post until it is ingrained in your brain.
Read and reread Sandi's 37 rules until you know them by heart and live them out by habit.

You can do this, but you need to focus on YOU right now. The plane is going down, the cabin has lost air pressure, and you need to put your own mask on first before you can worry and panic about anyone else."

Like I keep saying, Teach, please keep a PMA. Also, do your best to suck up all the great advice you get here.

I know you can do this, but it will take time.

Bob

[Matt777]

Teach -

I've read that on their own, WAS may come back say 10% of the time. By doing the DB process, if may increase to around 35%. That means that maybe 2 out of 3 marriages will STILL fail even by going through this work.

That's why the focus just CANT be on reconciling. Because you can't control that. All you can control is YOU. And you know what? If you give in to this process, you will emerge out the other side happy, healthy, and a [censored] awesome version of yourself ready to have your next, better relationship.

So if your only goal is R, you may find yourself stuck or discouraged. To that, I say start over with a beginners mind and really consider your ULTIMATE GOAL.

[Bob723]

Teach,

Matt is right on!

Bob

[PatientMan]

Thank you patientman. I am interested in learning more.

Noted. I will put some things together for you - please be patient with me.

I feel like last night all the faith I had in repairing this was stripped away.

This is very typical, thinking you are walking a tightrope and any deviation from perfection sends you careening to the death of a relationship. It is your mind playing tricks on you. The overall body of work is what matters. Consistent change over time is what convinces the WAS to reconsider. Consistent change over time is what changes you into the best version of you that you can be - a woman only a fool would leave.

I'll say it again because it is important: If you make a mistake, learn from that mistake, and move forward. Don't dwell on it or beat yourself up, just learn and move forward. This is very important - do you understand?

Everyone tells me to wake up he is using you until he gets his feet under him and then he will divorce you.

Maybe, but you must do what you feel is right. Stand firm in your convictions, just be sure it is your convictions you are standing in.

I read about good people on here trying their best for themselves but still desperately in love with their spouse.

Not many successful stories of people improving their own lives and then reconciling.

So what? The odds are against you and it might be difficult. Is that going to make you quit?

-PM

[Elly4]

Teach, there is someone on here...and someone chime in....that has a lot of the success stories linked so you can see the positives.

However, I would totally agree with PM and Matt that the ultimate goal is to make you the very best Teach that you can be. If the R isn't recovered, then you will be strong enough to move on and have a healthy happy life. If a R is reconciled, then great, but you are still strong enough to move on and have a healthy, happy life.

You can do this, and your faith will support you. Just reach out and you will feel it. It was you who reminded me of that.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

E