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beatrice #2582752 06/28/15 08:29 AM
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Mighty, I’m so sorry you and your son had this “experience” on one of the important days of your lives, his graduation.
The good thing is that you had a dinner with your family after this. I hope the memories of this will overwrite all the uncomfortable things that happened during the graduation.

Mighty, I can feel what you went through, I really do… It is so weird, but I can absolutely picture and feel what you described. I think you did great! I just hope that the good moments with you and your family will overwrite the bad feelings that you S18 has about his Dad at this important event in his life.

Love… ((((((Mighty))))) And congratulations!


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
beatrice #2582762 06/28/15 10:56 AM
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Mighty,
Congratulations to your son on his graduation. I'm sure the ceremony was beautiful and went of w/o a hitch, even if it was pouring cats and dogs.

As for your xh, shame on him! However, Bea is right, he is following the MLC script to a "T". Notice how he was up close and personal w/your son, i.e., trying to talk to him, putting his hand on him? He wanted the attention and when your son didn't give him any, he got frustrated. He saw that his brother was able to talk to your son, give him a card, etc. and trust me, your xh was not a very happy camper. He just had to get that last act of behavior in at the end. PA behavior came out to play just a wee bit. I don't know what he expected when he walked away from his family, not once, but twice. He's going to learn that there consequences for his actions and it's already started.

I think you and your family handled the uncomfortable situation very well and went on to have a very good time w/family.

Again, congratulations to your son. You have so much to be proud of when it comes to your children and how you've handled the situation that has hit your family so very hard.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2582791 06/28/15 03:10 PM
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Mighty -
Ugh! Sorry you went through this.

My oldest recently graduated college, and I'll admit, it galled me to see my ex acting all proud papa when he had f-all to do with getting him to this point.

Your son is old enough to make his own decisions and you're right to respect that. On the other hand, in the long run,he will be better off if he can come to some cordial relationship with his father. I have seen the corrosive effects in my ex's family of the children carrying a grudge against the WAS and it's not pretty. Perhaps you can help him find a way to have healthy boundaries but also compassion for the terrible toll MLC is ex acting on ex, and remember the good parenting that his father gave when he was young. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.

kml #2582843 06/28/15 06:40 PM
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D14 just took a pic of this and texted it to me:

Dear Woman,

Sometimes

You'll just be too much woman.

Too smart,

Too beautiful,

Too strong.

Too much of something

That makes a man feel like less of a man,

Which will make you feel like you have to be less of a woman.

The biggest mistake you can make

Is removing jewels from your crown

To make it easier for a man to carry.

When this happens, I need you to understand-

You do not need a smaller crown-

You need a man with bigger hands.

Mighty #2582851 06/28/15 07:08 PM
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Thanks, Heather. It was awesome that we went out and had a good time. I just talked with my mom. She had no idea that even happened. She said we all seemed so happy at the dinner afterwards.

Bea... He certainly does not get it! And yes, it would be so much easier to just live totally separate lives.

Bright, Yeah- I felt bad for s18. It was tough to see him have to deal with that. The good thing is, he seemed great not too long after, and has been in a really good mood since. He is having lots of fun with his friends right now. And he and d14 are getting along so well... I savor the moments!

Thanks, job. You certainly get this whole thing, and I appreciate you sticking by me and helping me through.

Ellie- I agree. Right now, I'm letting the chips fall where they may. Once the dust settles, the kids can start from there. Now, they are just figuring things out and still pretty raw. Congrats to your son! That's great, and he had an awesome mom who had his back!

Thanks so much all of you guys. You are so insightful and it means a lot to me to hear from you. I think this guy is so far gone. It makes me lose hope of him ever finding his way back to reality and being accountable. I think that's at least what my kids are looking for (?).

Mighty #2583187 06/29/15 08:06 PM
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I had a thought today. Something hit me. I realize that seeing/dealing with xh and hww takes on an emotional toll. They vary between the two.

In both circumstances, I am dealing with PTSD type reactions/emotions... whatever you want to call it. I can tell it's improving. But, in a circumstance such as PTSD... I feel a fight or flight response. As with a panic attack.

I realized that with xh, I get the flight instinct. And with hww, I get the fight instinct. Possibly because with xh, he has been the direct source of pain, so, naturally, I want to escape the possibility of more. With hww, it's more like... hmmm... something that has moved onto my territory and I need to protect it.

Yes! I think that's it! It's not that I have felt one is to blame more than the other, but one is from my own camp. Betrayal. I need to remove that. Get away from it.

The other source came into my world- unwanted, and I feel protective and that I need to fight it off.

OMG... I am getting a better idea of my own feelings and reactions!

Anyway, my feelings are much more tempered down than in the past. I see no sense to argue at all. I don't even feel the need to defend myself at this point.

Other encounters in the past have sent me spinning for a least a few days, if not a week. The past one hasn't been so horrific. I'd be lying if I said I felt nothing. However, it's not the same.

I'm not bothered so much by the encounter, really. I guess just seeing him puts him back in my mind. It also doesn't help that I'm not working this week. Instead, I'm still finishing up major projects that we started together. It's fine, feels good to get things done, just a little daunting.

After the hustle and bustle of last week, I'm finding the quietness of the past two days irritating. There is plenty to do. Just feeling lonely.

On a positive note, my thoughts have been much more *self* focused. I have found that my thoughts, when xh is out of the picture, are so much more positive. Last week, I hardly thought of him at all. With that, my confidence was starting to climb. When thoughts of him creep up, I can feel my worth and value start to diminish. Interesting realization for me.

Acknowledging this makes me more aware that I need to stay away from him, and my desire to have him in my life is put into perspective. It's not that I desire him now, but... you know... what was...

Last week, something interesting happened. First, I find that when people pay me a compliment, I feel that they are saying it because they feel they have to. Like it's an empty statement. What I've further noticed, is that I tend to cut people off when they are saying it. And, that it's like I block out something nice someone says. Like the TV goes fuzzy, but it's in my brain, and their words get *fuzzed* out.

So, anyway, after work last week, a bunch of us went out for a little bit. We work in a different town, but met up in the town I live (many of us live here). So, after a little while, we decided to go back to my house, order some food and hang out.

Later that night, lots of people left, and there were just a couple of us. The people left were people I've know for years, but haven't really hung out with much. Two of them were a couple and there was another guy, who is married.

We were all just talking by the fire. The couple, both previously divorced, were talking about what they went through. The other guy had called off an engagement (a week before his wedding) prior to being married.

The guy is such a nice guy. I mean, so laid back. So genuine. Just all-around great guy. He said that there were going to be people lined up down my street to get with me. I just laughed it off. Then he said something like, "If I weren't married to xx, I'd ......." Enter fuzz at ....

Then I heard, "I'm serious. I even told your brother that."

So, I'm not sure exactly what he said, because my brain has a way of refusing to hear or believe any type of thing like that from a good person.

I have thought about it since. Not in a way other married *friend* was at all... but, I was like a... hmm... moment where I stepped back... in... shock??

I guess my eyes opened a little wider. The fact that this really great guy would say something like that. I guess I have never imagined that someone who is... like that (I don't know how else to put it)... could be in my world... like that. Granted, not HIM, for obvious reasons (and he was not at all disrespectful in what he was saying... from what I heard!)

I guess I just always thought only a certain type would want me... kind of like what I've been attracting... xh, stalker guy, and a couple of creepy married guys.

So, I just figured, as par for the course, I'd ramble on with my latest thoughts...

Mighty #2583227 06/29/15 09:29 PM
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Mighty

Interesting post .... one I really liked seeing as this was more about a seriously deep look into you vs much to do with your h/hww and one that I just found myself forming a great big smile as I read as you really looked deep at yourself there... very good thing, even better you shared with us.

So something jumped out at me, correct me here .. seems you are having a hard time giving yourself credit. And even a harder time accepting guys other than the low level stalker types would be interested in you ... is it the fall out from the self esteem that took a serious blow?

I say this because I was there too ... thinking at a point .. I would only end up with the "drunk club chick" types and never have what I felt was a 'true' relationship again ... all due to being put through this ... hearing some of those Monster Spews and half way believing them.

So you need to get your swag back a bit .. not talking the "I'll go Mighty on your ass" swag .... but just accept you are the prize .. do not tune me out here .. keep that TV on this channel .. you are the prize, and I have no doubt guys would line up if you just dropped the wall a tiny bit .. but unlike them I understand the reasons for those walls .... But Mighty .. once you are able to let your hair down, toss on those heels and go dance and be carefree ... no doubt in my mind the fellas will be all about it ... not just for the reasons one might guess, but because of who you are and the fact your personality makes one feel its impossible not to want to know you for you.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



CaliGuy #2583429 06/30/15 02:32 PM
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Cali! OMG... you have no idea... I will get to that in a sec...

S18 called his dad last night to meet him after work. He called me right after to tell me he was going. He said that the incident at graduation has been weighing heavily on him and he needed to clear the air. I was surprised, but happy for him. Glad he is sorting through his own emotions.

He didn't say much about their meeting, and I didn't pry. He just said that it went well. He did tell me that he let his dad know that I don't have anything to do with the kids and his r. He told him that what he texts d14 about being my words, that it is untrue. And that it was him who didn't want him at graduation and not me, and even told him that I had asked him several times if he was sure he didn't want to give xh a ticket.

I am not sure xh believes it, or maybe he thinks I wanted to see him there or something... but who cares. I was just proud of s18 for doing what he needed to do for him.

On another note... Cali... is that you? Sorry... I couldn't hear you over the roar of the falls....

Ha! Just kidding... honestly, that was a really nice post. Very nice, and it has made me think even a little further into this... by this, I mean me.

Quote:
So something jumped out at me, correct me here .. seems you are having a hard time giving yourself credit. And even a harder time accepting guys other than the low level stalker types would be interested in you ... is it the fall out from the self esteem that took a serious blow?
I don't know. It's a good question. I think that prior to the "blow" there was a disintegration of it. That's what I am realizing.
I just thought about this... last night I went over to my brothers for a little bit. He had a couple of friends there, and I was being ME. It feels so good to have that part of me back. I thought about how I would have been if xh was with me, and I realized that I would have done more of a mirror of his personality. Not that it was always like that, but it happened over time.

I have a distinct memory of a time when my bil came up from Maryland with his new girlfriend (now his wife). We were all going to dinner and then to a concert. As the four of us were walking into the bar/grill, bil said to his new lady (whom I had JUST met), "Wait till you see Mighty. She is a trip. She is crazy and so much fun."

Xh said, "Don't say that bc then she will feel like she has to perform."

I was hurt by that, but never said a word. It was like 10 years ago. But.. perform? I was always the same when he met me. I just have that kind of personality. It is a big part of me. It is me!

But things like that started to chip away at me, and I started to lose myself. (So last night... I was me.) And my brother has made comments about it lately... he notices, and, apparently, knew all along what was going on.

So, Cali, I guess it was both. I think some of this had an impact on what I feel. I was broken down... trying to be everything I was "supposed" to be. I wasn't good enough. I changed myself to be just right. I did whatever I need to do to be the best for him. Then I was thrown out like trash.

Where does that leave me now? I don't know. But I can tell you this, I like the original me, and the new me way better than the suppressed me. I guess I just feel no one else will. Well, like that. I mean, I know people like me and like to hang out with me and have fun. But, that's about it. Other than creeps...

Quote:
So you need to get your swag back a bit .. not talking the "I'll go Mighty on your ass" swag ....


That's funny.

Quote:
you are the prize
This one... I don't know. I mean, the prize for whom? Me? A stranger?

My thoughts continue to take me away... I think I am fun. I think I was a really good wife. But... hmmm... I mean, I was thrown out with out so much as a thought. With no respect. No dignity. No... goodbye. I guess, yeah, I am basing my feelings on that of another. But, this other was the one who I believed loved me, would protect me, and would honor our family. I got none of that. I get it, he's in crisis. But, he's not insane! He has the ability to express feelings to someone else. To honor his new baby. WTF? OK, not going there...

I have a very dysfunctional r with myself. Sometimes I feel really good. I crack myself up a lot. I like things about myself. Other times I annoy myself. I feel like a burden in people's lives. Sometimes, I hate to look at myself.

Like, even if I tried to list good qualities about myself, I'd be so humiliated. I tried doing it the other day in a post. For some dumb reason.. can't remember why, but anyway, I deleted that part. It seemed so stupid.

Going back to your question, Cali... I think a lot of it has to do with the Looking Glass Theory. I feel fine. I feel like I am a good person, fun, and not horrific to look at. But others perception of me are like... yeah, she's a great chick, but... not like that.

Aaaahhhh..... I even cringe saying all this. But... I got issues, man....

Mighty #2583440 06/30/15 03:10 PM
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Quote:
but because of who you are and the fact your personality makes one feel its impossible not to want to know you for you.


Cali... That part.. ^^^^

I have no words....

Mighty #2584194 07/02/15 05:54 PM
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I've been sifting.. I have actually surprised myself how much *stuff* if let filter out... And away. Getting to be in a much better place. But the sifting is interesting.... It leaves the *big* pieces exposed and unhidden.

Abandonment.

I see how it affects my feelings in several situations. I don't see clearly enough to sort through it yet. It's gonna take awhile.

On a positive note, these bigger issues are more exposed due to the diminishing "so what" issues. I feel good most of the time, despite my brief breakdown last night... As I was sitting alone in my humongous, nearly done kitchen... Overlooking the new-ish redone backyard xh and I did. I felt pretty small and alone... But... Over it...

Hey my peeps! Hope you all are well. Hey to all the newbies! Too many... Makes me sad, but glad you found this place.

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