Oh my gosh, Cali. First, Happy Father's Day! You are such a great one and your son is a lucky boy to have you by is side... showing him the way. AND!!!! Wow... sounds like things went well over the weekend. Yeah... I'm watching ya, bud. You can run, but you can't hide! So cool. No matter what, I am sure you got some sort of validation. You know you are the man. I don't mean that in a silly way... but always #1. That's pretty refreshing, despite the turmoil it comes from.
Anyway.. something... something about your post. I feel a deep understanding and I appreciate it very much. It welled up some tears. Not harsh, Cali. Not at all. I mean, c'mon... you know I'm tougher than that! I've always had pretty thick skin. I'm kind of a mushy, vulnerable mess these days... but I can handle THAT!
Honestly, I think you are right. I am stuck in a sense. I don't think totally. You have got me thinking, I have to admit. What exactly is it about me? What's my deal in this that I let it continue to beat me up? I am not totally sure, yet. I think the shock, for one. I just can't believe how things have played out. I can't believe that he is gone. That he has another family. That I am an enemy to his family. But, I guess that is only part of it. What about it that has to do with me that I can't get over that hump yet. (Notice... I said YET! I have no intention on living her. But, it is quite difficult to see really coming to grips with this.)
See... it's like a double-edged sword... my brain is a yo-yo!
I'm cool... I get that its this whole thing I can't control; it's not about me; I need to move on(<<<<<That's my brain)... then... WTF IS HAPPENING???!! (<<<< That's my brain on LBS mode)
Any questions? ("Yes," says Mighty to Mighty.... "What is wrong with you, girl? You ain't right")
Ok. So, seriously, Cali... you are right about different sitches.. same.. can I say.. nonsense? We have a similar timeline.. some commonalities with the way things play out. I just feel like a bit of a, well, for lack of a better word, failure. I want to say, I know xh had a lot of work to do and didn't.
But we DB, we work really hard to do the right thing. I feel like I had an opportunity.. I worked hard, DB'ed my tail off... then had, in the grasp of my hands, an opportunity. And blew it.
I know, intellectually, that there is way more to it. That... well... there were other components. But... to have it at the grasp of your fingers.. and lose it... again.
Well. I'm OK. I will be. (Just typing this, it took a momentary sabbatical and chilled w/ s18). Things, overall are good. I am happy. I am really and truly looking forward to things, for the first time in my life, being on my terms.
That's pretty cool.
And I'm learning what those terms are.
Side note...
Having to deal with married friend again. So upset with him. Don't even consider him a friend anymore. After letting him know my place last time, months ago, things were cool. He stayed away for a couple of months. Then, it seemed OK. We were friends and I let it go. Now, he pulled the same crap, but it was worse. Maybe I will explain later. Not happy about it. I will cut him off permanently tomorrow. I would have today, but there wasn't an opportunity. If there isn't tomorrow, I will send a text. I am not happy with the sitch.
Oh, btw... today when I got home, I was out front doing yard work for awhile. When I came in, I am pretty sure... quite sure.. I saw xh drive by. WTH? He has to go out of his way. This is strictly a residential area. No route to anywhere but a house here.
I feel like I had an opportunity.. I worked hard, DB'ed my tail off... then had, in the grasp of my hands, an opportunity. And blew it.
Mighty - I think this is the crux of your current troubles. You think that somehow, if you had done something different, when ex poked his head out of the tunnel, he might have stayed.
This is a FALSE IDEA. His was not a true reconciliation, but just a temporary peek out of the MLC tunnel. While it's nice that you had it - at least you got the satisfaction of hearing some regrets, and that the OW wasn't all that - NOTHING you could have done at that time would have prevented him from going back into the tunnel. HE didn't do the work, he STILL isn't owning anything, and there could not have been any repair of the marriage if he didn't get to that point.
So - number one - stop blaming yourself for somehow missing an opportunity. There was no opportunity - it was a false alarm.
Number two - you are afraid to let go because you don't have a clear vision of the future. You hardly dated before him, so you have no life experience to draw on that tells you "There are other fish in the sea". But trust me - there ARE - LOTS. You will find love again when you are ready for it. And when you do, you will wonder why you wasted so much time mooning over ex.
Number 3 - even if he came crawling back to you on his knees tomorrow, you really wouldn't want him back. Not after the lack of character he has demonstrated, and not with the baggage of HWW for the next 20 years.
The affirmations from your in-laws, and ex's own words during his brief pop out of the tunnel, should reassure you that this WAS NEVER ABOUT YOU. YOU ARE NOT LACKING - EX IS.
Ellie... your post made me cheese ear to ear. I mean, you are right! so right! You are hitting on things I haven't before.
And, I'm not gonna lie... I car pool. Today was not my day to drive. I was very quiet on my way home. I kept hearing you, in my head, (even though I don't know your voice..) "Let go or be dragged!"
I'm not even kidding...
Great post, Ellie. Gave me a whole new thing to think about... with a little bit of excitement!
I passed xh this morning on the way to work. I left later than usual. It was in the area of hww's mom. It is evident he was taking the small clan of gypsies (thanks job- much nicer than my reference...) grandmas.
Made me feel sick in my stomach, but what are you going to do? What a good daddy.... To someone else's kid.
Mighty ... yeah all that beating up n sctuff ... you know better. Truth is .. .all of us here had no way of knowing, no way to really stop this crisis, could we have handled things better ... some might say they could but I would argue HOW? How when for the most part all of us just assumed a MLC was the guy in his 40's buying a sports car and hoping to catch some 20 somethings eye ... nothing about MLC being able to take a W or a H and turn them into a blank eye alien monster who will not stop till all has been destroyed as the LBS tries to just piece together what happened.
I think we all have that guilt for a bit .. guilt there was a magic bullet we could have fired, a key word to snap them out of it .. anything .. heck I would have died my hair orange and ran naked through the streets if I thought it would have helped.
For me, it was meant to be, I had to go through the hurt and pain in order to become the man I should have been all along. I think for you ... you will have to discover the lesson, I have no doubt you will but for now I understand you are still looking and thats ok too .... this is not easy, but you know we are all here with you .. thick or thin .. wanting to see you out the other side.
Glad you laid it all out for your married friend. I wouldn't be surprised if it went in one ear and out the other and he may very well try to test your boundary again in the future.
Glad the AC is being installed. Yes, it's expensive, but well worth it. One more thing to check off your list.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Glad you laid it all out for your married friend. I wouldn't be surprised if it went in one ear and out the other and he may very well try to test your boundary again in the future.
Agree .. no means "just not today" for some guys ... lol
Oh man, job and Cali! I cringe, because my first instinct was... well, I think he got it, but then I read your post. I'd disagree, but you guys are always RIGHT! Whatever I doubt... I'm wrong these days.
I was actually very proud of myself. And as it was happening, I realized how many different experiences I've had since bd. This, for sure, was one.
And once I started, I really put it out there. I started off letting him know to never come by my house again
What happened this weekend: Saturday, later in the afternoon, I was out back with d14 and the two kids she was babysitting. They were in the pool and I was helping d14 watch them swim. I got a text from my *friend* that he was coming over. I told him no. Next thing you know, he comes walking out back where we were. He had been drinking some, not sure how much. And he came and sat down talking like it was cool. I was sooooo uncomfortable. And pissed. My d has no idea who this guy is, and she was looking at me mouthing, "Who is that?"
I was really upset for several reasons, but MOSTLY bc of my d14. She has enough to figure out, she does not need to have this guys disfunction added in.
She knows my guy friends and wouldn't think twice about them stopping over. But, she does not know him, so you know the first thing she is thinking seeing some strange man come visit me. Like I'd drop that on her like that? But then, to clarify there is nothing going on, and I said, no, he's married, then cringe again. She is probably thinking, why is this married guy here with my mom? Like she isn't already screwed up about that.
I expressed to him all that ^^^ and how I was very upset about it. And that he was lucky my s18 wasn't there. He would have questioned him and his intentions right there! You could just sense the awkwardness... and probably the tension from me and my displeasure.
I made things uncomfortable enough that he didn't stay long.
I was mad. First, I thought I had made It clear before, but obviously not enough. We didn't even talk for like 2 months after that. Then, we started a little, and it was fine. I just thought we could be friends, he was embarrassed about what happened, and it wouldn't again. Well... now he shows up again. And my d was there. Not cool.
So, today I told him not to come by my house again. He was immediately embarrassed and kind of playing it off, but was like OK. Then, I figured I would lay it all out there. I went in. I made it very clear that my biggest issue was I was not going to let my kids be disrupted anymore, and that dropping by is not ok. Then, I let him know that I didn't like that I considered him a friend and he tried to take advantage of me knowing I was vulnerable.
I really stood up for myself and set boundaries. I was proud of how I expressed my feelings. And honestly, I thought as it was happening how much I respected myself for... respecting myself.. and standing up for myself... and in a respectable way!
When he tried to kind of minimize, I called him right out on it. He had to face it and said, "you are right." He was apologetic. Then my phone rang, and he was out like trout.
It felt good. Hmmm... score one for me in the growth department!
This evening I bout d18 a car! I am so excited! It's nothing fancy, but it had low miles and was a great price. I took my neighbor with me. He knows pretty much everything there is to know about cars. He said it was a good deal.
This was a pretty quick decision. Financially, it is putting me in a tough spot, but doable. Originally, I wanted to give him my car and get a new one. That would include s17 and I splitting the car payment on my old one until paid off, plus me with a new one.
Finances are tough. I was just going through them over the weekend and felt that may be too much. So, I looked online and saw this one. It was owned by an elderly person, which is why it has such low mileage. Anyway, it's a done deal. We should get it later this week when we can meet at the DMV.
I also cancelled cable. We don't watch it that much anyway. And the bill is so stinking high! So, I feel really good about that.
I have really realized, as far as xh... I don't want to know anything. At all. Whatever they do.... I don't even want a hint as to what it is.
I will do whatever I need to do to move forward with my life. Pushing, walking, praying, writing, celebrating, laughing, working, exercising, enjoying, believing... I will do.
There is a whole lot of greatness in your post. Just wanted to say Bravo!
And, I agree w/ the other guys, we men often (& I speak from being one of these at times) don't know when to take a hint and stop trying. Although, I've had a lot of women I wasn't really interested in keep pursuing in part because I became a challenge and more interesting for my resistance, nothing compares to the gaul we men are capable of in disrespecting boundaries women lay down. Sorry.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
