Hi guys! Whoa... some interesting stuff here. I will just touch on it briefly, bc, frankly, I've moved on. However, I know... I will be back to it eventually!
Well, first, I don't believe that I am obsessing about this. Sometimes, when things happen, I rake it over. I still have emotions about it, what can I say? And, because of this, if I totally dismissed them, I think they would come back to haunt me someday. I just need to work through them.
I do find, that having some insight into MLCer does help me. I know it's crazy town, and we wont understand what its like. However, for me, to hear.... often the mlcer does x because of z. That helps remind me that it is about him and that I couldn't have prevented it, and I shouldn't take it personally. When you are personally attacked and treated like garbage, it is hard to not take it personally. Reminders of their struggles/process helps look at the bigger picture when you are in the emotional mix of it.
And, I think it can also help prepare you a little two. For me, I hadn't researched much of MLC past replay. I knew there was a long way to go and it didn't matter at that point. So, when xh had his "awakening" I was caught so off guard and didn't know what to do. I kind of let my emotions go all over the place. I was king, at that point, of dealing with his antics. That threw me way off. Has taken me a lot of time to regain my footing.
So in that respect, not that it is a map of what is to come... but I just have an inquiring mind. My main focus is not on him. It was... for a long time.
My life has progressed. I'm moving on. But, I still carry this huge trunk of questions and self-doubt. I'm not sure how to really let go of them all except to work through them. Granted, this trunk closed a lot of the time. I carefully open it as needed. however, he still has a little control, I've found. He is able to open it when I'm not looking. That's when things get let out, which I am unprepared to handle.
If I work through those things, he can try all he wants, but there will be noting to come out.
It's not all the time, and I'm keeping a pretty good guard. However, I think I let it down with my killer no contact skills.
So, bottom line, I do like to know what things are like for the mlcer. Not obsessively. It's not my every waking thought (anymore... nor my sleeping...), but it helps me. Not to stay stuck, but to move on, actually. And to take some of the pressure and hurt off my self.
Happy Father's Day to all the great dad's out there!
Personally, I can feel a little weight of the day. Last year my kids chose not to spend time with their dad. I am assuming the same for today, but I never know what's going to happen...
I will not be sending a text. Seems stupid to send a text celebrating him being a father when he isn't one to my kids now. He has another family who he plays the role for who can honor him with that.
You know what... I just started typing about last year... but deleted. I don't care anymore! I am moving forward, not backward!
GAL still going steadily. However, I have decided that I really want to spend more time with my kids. Especially d14. I think she really needs a strong parental influence right now.
I have decided she is my main focus.
Kitchen at a standstill. Running into some problems. Last week I texted contractor and said that if he does not want to finish the job let me know asap so I could get someone in. He showed up at 7am the next morning and worked 14 hours.
But pulling back again. He is a great guy. Does awesome work. But, I know he just does not want to tile the floor. He tried saying not to do tile, but that's what I want. I had tile before (xh and I did) and I am not going to downgrade on a huge addition/renovation. I would do it myself, but it is such a huge space, I don't want to get in over my head. Plus, I just don't have the time for that.
So, I will have to call again today. I am just so over it.
Gonna pick myself up today and trudge through it. That has such a negative connotation... but that's how I feel. So, I will take every opportunity to think of all the things I am grateful for. It will be a day of gratitude.
Oh.. btw... I went out Friday night. As I was there, someone commented that there was a priest there. I looked over, and sure enough, right near the bar was MY priest!
The couple I was talking to said the guy didn't know he was a priest and said the f-word in front of him. I said, well, I've talked to him for confession... he's heard much worse.
I'm going to take a deep breath. It's OK, just one of those kicks in the gut.
It's to be expected, as we move separately into new lives... but it is just part of the deal, for me, where it is just soo hard to imagine.
It's fresh, so it is on my mind. I'm hoping... not for long.
First, I had a great day. We went this evening and had dinner with my parents. It was good and we had a lot of fun. Came home and cleaning up and I got a call from my bil. This is the one who lives out of state and is very close with both xh and me.
We talked for a long time, no talk of xh... for quite a while. Then, it slipped out. Apparently xh went with hww and her son and the baby on vacation south and made a stop there for a night.
It just makes me sick.
I know... it's whatever. But I just can't even picture him AT ALL in this role! I mean, I have seen it several times with OUR family... but this, I don't know. You guys, it is ... I don't even know... I just can't...
This dude is so all over the place! Clearly he is committed and in this r. He is going all in. But, it wasn't THAT long ago...
Whatever.
BIL didn't say much, just that xh asked him if he has talked to me. BIL just told him he isn't getting involved... and left it at that.
He said he, his wife, and his wife's parents (they live next door to them and I always got along very well with them. They all actually came and stayed with us just before bd) aren't buying what hww is selling. Of course, they play the role, but... they get it, I suppose. SIL's parents commented, "Well, it isn't Mighty!" and felt really bad.
He also said they were talking about their other brother and was caught on the phone and it seemed like he was up to no good. Xh's comment was, "I hope he isn't messing around, because it isn't worth it."
BIL also said when xh left, he told his wife, "He is one broken man." He said that xh didn't say anything, but he knows he is so upset about the kids that it is taking everything he has to keep it together.
Well, whatever, xh. Keep on going on your wannabe family vacations.
The question I ask myself everyday, "Who does that to their family?"
But, I guess I have to answer myself, "A very broken person."
On a totally different note, I typed in the notes of my phone today a message I would have sent to xh. I do that sometimes. I type things in my notes, or write it down, but I never send. I know meaning will be lost in translation... I don't speak fluent alien. In fact, I don't know that the code has been broken, nor that one alien can even clearly communicate with another alien.
Anyway, my day of gratitude vs Father's Day Celebration, note to xh:
I have so many things to be grateful for.
I am grateful for my children. I am grateful for my home. I am grateful for all the wonderful things we did to our home. I am grateful that I am able to keep my children in my home. I am grateful that I am able to provide for them. I am grateful for my job. I am grateful for financial support.
Thank you for that.
***** So now, I sit here and think about him on his dumb vacation. I wonder what that is like to not be with your children on a family vacation. To not be able to even get something for your kids while on vacation (especially bc I know hww is such a shopper and prob shopping up a storm for her 2), and what it must be like to not even be able to tell your kids you are on vacation. It would be so upsetting to them. Yet, I suppose it would be my fault. And probably my fault why he cant tell them.
Why do I even care? I freaking hate him!
Terrible words... don't even like to say it. But I feel like it. Immature, I suppose.
I don't know, you guys. I just have this HUGE void! I am so tired of this same song and dance and feeling empty. I have so many good things, and I appreciate them so much, and enjoy them so much.
But, at the end of the day, when you feel like no one cares or is there for you, it can be tough. I know I have good people. It would be nice to be #1 sometime. That sounds so dumb and like a baby.
You know what? I guess I am just so surprised that he is still in this. I think I am just realizing this. I think that is a huge part of MY problem. And, I suppose that is me not letting go fully, in a way. I HAVE for the most part. There is just something still there... that damn trunk was opened again! WTF! Seriously... I think that's it, thought! I think some of his words still get to me. Stupid words! They have me so confused! I know they were not actions. I have to let it go, but I believe deep down, part of me thought... well, I don't know exactly. But I guess I just can't believe he is REALLY playing the role. Hey, you know what? Maybe it will be forever, so I need to stop now.
Whew! That was a good rant. I feel much better now. And, I feel really good knowing what PART of MY problem was. Funny how letting things out leads to other things...
Mighty, It's okay to rant away. I do have one question...how often do you hear from your bil that called you? The reason that I ask is I find it quite telling that he called today, on Father's Day, and finally spoke of your xh and his band of gypsies stopping by on the way to vacation. I can't help but wonder if he's trying to see where you are in all of this mess and mend the bridges a bit for his brother because of the children. He may say he doesn't want to be involved, but he's more involved than he thinks by telling you about that visit.
Let's get back to you and your feelings. It hasn't been all that long since he went back to that ow and it's understandable that you are still searching for some answers. It's okay to come here and talk/vent and yes, he's broken and it's going to take him a long time to sort himself out, if ever. You, on the other hand are facing our pain and hurt head on and will heal far quicker and better than he will. Give yourself some time to do so and don't be so hard on yourself.
It's one day at a time for now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job- thank you. BIL and I talk sporadically. He is like a brother to me. He told me that he talked more to me that xh about it. Xh, bil, his wife, and I were very close. Bc their family isn't tight like that, really, they were all they had to count on and trust. And since bil and I are 6 months apart (and xh and I are 6 months apart- they are 1 yr) and we were teens when we met, we are like bro/sister.
I feel badly for him in that, he lost his family unit at home. They always stayed w us, and often wouldn't even go see his parents. If family things were planned, it was by me. I threw grad parties, birthday parties, and an annual family reunion for that family.
I think it is difficult for bil, bc xh and I were his fam. And now, xh is so messed up. I mean I know they talk still, but he said not about any of this stuff anymore. It took a toll on bil.
Bil also said xh is like a skeleton and he is gone. But, he didn't lead on to much else other than that.
On Mother's Day, bil was the first person I heard from, before I even got out of bed. So I guess it's not too suspect he called on FD. But, you've got me thinking a little. In fact, I went back into my phone. We talked for an hour. He was going to text me pictures of his son we talked about. It was an hour later he texted them.
Oh, and he asked if I've dated.
I don't know...
But, I'm pretty sure xh didn't hear from my kids. Could be that was discussed and the reason. I know s18 didn't reach out. D14 commented when we got into the car that she wasn't going to text to text her dad. He has two other kids to celebrate with.
That's hard to hear. My heart breaks for her. I know it bothers her soooooo much.
OK, right, job. One day at a time. Man, I just hope it stops!
BIL also asked if we were going down this summer. Well, I can tell you there is no way in hell I am going to sleep in the same bed as xh and hww did. It's already bothering me and I'm not even there!
You know, at the beginning of this, there is always a warning: its a long road. And, it's a tough one. Lots of ups, downs, twists & turns. I thinks it's impossible for anyone involved to come out unscathed.
I can't sleep. My mind is getting the best of me, but I'm implementing some of the things to help. But I am a bit all over the place, mentally. Emotionally.
I realize, God put us on two totally different paths. I have to acknowledge that. I have to respect it. For whatever reason, our paths seperated and this journey isn't about us anymore. Nor do we have room for eachother. It sad. It's difficult to see him on this with someone else.
It's really so unreal where his life is now. So, so, so much has happened on a relatively short amount of time.
I still question myself every day. All the time. Am I crazy? Am I really supposed to be this upset? Should it really hurt this much?
Tonight I wondered how many pieces a heart could break into? Seems like it's only small pieces left. Maybe why the break isn't so big now, so it hurts a little less with each remaining break. But how many more?
I was really doing so much better. I know I still am, and will carry on so. I just wonder if it will ever stop. I guess that's where I come in. When I stop letting it bother me. But... I try. I work really hard at moving on. Healing. Finding deeper meanings, wholeness... I've become more spiritual, faithful, centered, aware. I really work on it. I feel like every minute of every day. Yet, I don't see when this will ever stop hurting. When the breaks will cease.
Maybe it's just a bad night.
I have faith in the process. I am doing the work. I am giving it to God.
I pray for better things in my life. I try to give and be a person worthy of peace and happiness. When does it show up?
Mighty, What you are going through is very, very normal. It's more difficult the second time around when the crisis person actually has reached out and is trying to reconcile w/the spouse and then they skip a beat and return to the Land of Oz.
Your mind is on auto pilot and it won't turn itself off because you are thinking about him and the ow a lot. You've had a few triggers in the last couple of months that have kept these thoughts going, i.e., Mother's Day, Memorial Day and Father's Day. Even the phone conversation that you had w/your BIL sends your mind in a twirl because it keeps things "fresh and breaks the scab that is trying to heal your heart". Work thru those feelings and then try to let them go.
I hope that you have some nice things planned this week for yourself. You owe it to yourself to do something fun and different for yourself. Make a list of the things that you would like to do, but never had the nerve to do. Then select one of the items and really think about doing it.
Sending you positive thoughts today.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks job. I guess I find myself asking, yet again, WHAT HAPPENED? It seemed that I had gotten some answers, as much as I could after round one. Then, to happen again... I just don't know.
I find myself like, if it is the baby... We have two kids together... Who are fully aware... Blah blah...
I don't know. It's just a crazy feeling. Today was great at work. But I still have this heavy, heavy sadness. Still, I'm enjoying the moment, knowing I will do my best to push forward. Then, as things end, and I am alone, I can feel myself sinking down. It's very strange. Like coming off a high... But rapidly... Conseniously aware that I can feel myself sinking, at a steady rate- down.
You know, job, you are right. There are some events lately which have kept me In A bit of a cycle.
Knowing graduation is his weekend, I am sure this state of emotional instability will continue. Some people handle things so well. I really struggle at times.
Hopefully this summer will be another nice reprieve from crazy town. I know there is nothing I can do about xh being so "broken" about his r with his kids. Ya frustrating. I don't interfere and I won't.
I do think part of his frustration is that would have been my role to fix. And I would have. But, it's not my place. I hung up my fixer hat. Retired.
Mighty .... just caught up on your sitch ... ugh, I am so sorry you are going through this.
Reading your stories over ... what .. however long I have been there .. the pain, hurt, confusion comes out so clear and its so easy to relate to you as you are .. what is the word .. just so Raw about it, I mean you lay it all out there and its something I have admired about you, very courageous and again .. you are far stronger than I think you give yourself credit for.
I know your H is a person right now you probably do not want to be with ... the actions he has done, decisions made leave us all shaking our heads so I can not fathom the pain its put you through.
Like you, I have done my share of reading and learning about MLC, like many here .. trying to grasp some understanding of it ... seems its all so similar but all so different ... the crisis varies in intensities, duration, and magnitude from sitch to sitch they all are so different but in many ways the same. I can tell you he is doing all this not knowing what he is doing, its not about us but you have heard this over and over.
I do not mean to be harsh here, but I just want to share this with you because I care, and the pain you are in .. I can literally feel it .. its not a good pain. I think what I see in your sitch, has more to do with you than with your H and hww .... I pray one day you can detach enough to heal and at the least walk the journey you need to walk, grow the way you need to grow ... its almost like I see you just as stuck as your H, your H being stuck is one thing ... but seeing you stuck is where the true tragedy is. You are strong Mighty .. you deserve better than this I hope you know that.
