What's next?

[Mighty]

I want to reiterate my gratitude and express it to the rest... Ellie, Wonka, Cali, Bright, Gwen, uR, bea, LT, and Heather (just seeing that list of amazing people makes me feel so lucky to have wonderful people take the time to continue to support me).

I have thought about your posts. I would like to add... it did not consume me, today! However, I have learned to compartmentalize... I like that compartment closed... yet, I have to address this, bc when it opens, I don't like it to be so unsettled... reactive... and a hot mess!

So, for now, I've decided I am not going to go out of my way to say anything to him. I do feel, on a level, he adds thing to try to get attention from me. I will keep that post from Ellie close by, as a resource for when I am directly addressed. I need these things to be prepared. I don't want to fly off the handle ever again. Especially when it comes to him.

I thought last night about how frustrating it is for a father to even say those things to his daughter. Like, well... I wasn't "in love" so it's ok to abandon your family and start a new one. So, someday, if your husband isn't "in love" he may do that to you. Or, you can do that too. And everyone should deal with it, because that's what you do to family.

Give me a break.

Now, I'm not really giving them head space, really, but, I think it is natural to try to understand some of this. That's why we do our research, and continue to come here right. Support, and a form of understanding all of this unexplainable debacle of MLC.

But, just thinking... and maybe some have experience with this?? I thought more into it when reading Cali's sitch and something Wonka responded to. It was about the "fog lifting" from the MLCer.

It was about 7 months ago when my bil reached out to me. At that time, he said xh, for the prior few weeks, had been talking to him a lot. More than he ever had. Pouring his heart out, which is unlike him. BIL said, he just listened and knew xh just needed to get it out.

BIL said to me, "The only way I can explain it is like a fog lifted."

My jaw dropped at that comment, well... bc of what we read...

BIL did not know that.

Anyway, it was not that long after when I heard from xh. That's when I heard a lot from him, like BIL.

The things he said made me think he would never go back to hww. Blah, blah, blah... you know....

Back during monster, which was a range before and after about 7 months prior to that, he was just really mean. I kept contact pretty dark during that time. However, I found out that it was the time hww was leaving her x too. They were going at it about $, and hww was very greedy (shocker), and her parents were too. They were trying to take her x to the cleaners.

Xh used to call me out of the blue in a rage. I was so confused and the thing is, I wasn't trying to take ANYTHING and was trying to be fair to him. My heart actually went out to him and I wanted to be giving and didn't want him to have to start over totally. Boy was I in the dark.

I just cant help think that he saw the greed, when they were trying to clean him out, how much he was to pay, and freak out.... letting it project onto me. Like I was hww or something. He would tell me about convos her parents would say. Sick.

Anyway, as I digress....

Xh, outside of that monster period, never really said bad things about me. And he did tell me he never bad mouthed me to hww, which was a bone of contention to her. And she would get very mad at him and say he would always stick up for me ( don't know why he had to...)

Then he confided and said we WERE happy, we had a great marriage, we didn't have problems, I didn't do anything wrong, but he just f'ed up.

So, now... once the fog lifts, so to speak, can you regress back even further? Now he blames it all on me. And is really mean, totally unaccountable, and has the typical mlc attitude.

Like, I get that he simply can't look in the mirror, but this dude is so messed up, right?

Does he even remember the temporary fog-respite he took? Or does dumb mlc-brain take over and he just doesn't give a crap about that time period anymore? <<<< I'm thinking that.

Honestly, guys... it's not really headspace, because I feel unemotional about it. Slightly frustrated that I now have this pinned on me, and, ok uR.... go ahead.... geesh.... I gave them the ammo.

Still don't really regret it, however, I don't like the spin... the ammo. Not going to do that again. Nope. May be difficult... but I feel better knowing I won't feed her drama... which is an obese, overeating, hyper-active, disgusting pig. That hog is always looking for seconds, thirds, fourths, and...... you know what I'm saying...

[Mighty]

OK, so....

a few things I have realized recently:

1. Something I am grateful for out of this experience- lots of things aren't that big of a deal. When I see people freaking out about nonsense, I just look at it from a much different perspective. It has made me so much more laid back. I've always been pretty chill... but now, shoot...

2. Something I need to figure out- I have met so many people lately. They always seem to enjoy my company, and want my number to hang out with me, but afterwards, I question myself. I wonder things like, did I make a fool of myself? Do I come across as not good enough? Do they think I'm an idiot?

3. I hate pity.

4. I am much calmer and so much more in-tune with people. ( When I'm not in my own momentary fog)

5. I choose my battles more wisely.

6. I hate to look at my face in the mirror.

7. I am all over the place.

[uRworthy]

Mighty, I want to explain something because I see you seem to think that I have a problem with what you did.

I am not here to judge. This is your life and so you make your own choices. As long as you are good with it, then Im good, too.

I just try to let people know stuff based on my experiences, not just with my own sitch, but with many others both on here and out there.

But I always say, we only know what we are told here. You are the one who lives it. You are the one who knows the people involved.

You did what you did. You are good with it. That is what matters.

You are a lot like me, M, in that you want to understand things. I get it. I really do.

While there are scripts followed in this, the truth is that we cant really understand it fully..for a few reasons. The first of which is that we arent in crisis. And then the fact that each person is different. What brings them into crisis is different.

So, it really is best to just accept that we cant know really. And truthfully, understanding it doesnt change it. It doesnt lessen the blow, doesnt change the actions, doesnt temper the hurt.

They are in crisis. They dont know it. It was destined for them. No amount of loving them could stop it. They dont know why they do what they do.

But to answer your questions..yes, he could have peeked out, had some moments of clarity and then jumped back in. He wasnt finished, Mighty. He isnt anywhere near finished.

So, how do you let go of wanting to know? Because if you dont, it keeps you stuck. How do you allow what he says to wash over you? You have all the power here, you know. All of it. You get to decide what you think, how you react. You get to decide what kind of life you want. You get to decide what you want to show your kids.

And yea, it succks that he says those things to your daughter. You would be amazed at the things my xh said to my son. But you know what I got to do? I got to be the one who showed him different. I got to be the one who shared life with him, to show him that family does matter, to teach him that not everyone makes the choices his father made. I made sure to show him well. It was too important.

I wish I could tell you my son came out of this unscathed. But that would be a lie. But what did come out of this is that he and I grew closer. What came out of it is that my son wont do this to someone he loves. He learned about loyalty and keeping your word and showing up and being present.

I sure wish he didnt have to learn it in the way he did. I wish he had a father that was worthy. But thats not how life went.

Mighty, really, who cares what she thinks? Who cares why he was the way he was and then he wasnt? Who cares about the lies he tells? It doesnt matter. What matters is today. What matters is you and your kids and what you show them. What matters is who you are and who you become.

You may think that saying you want to understand isnt giving it headspace, but it is. And its not the good kind of headspace.

Anyway, about your list...pretty good stuff except for numbers 2 and 6, yea?

I just wrote this about self worth somewhere. Maybe it will help with number 2. .


I was thinking about how hard I worked to change the image of myself I had for most of my life and I wanted to share some of it.

I had to learn to understand the power of my attitude toward myself. How we perceive ourselves, how we talk about and represent ourselves and how we allow others to determine our worth eventually becomes our reality.

So, I started to look at those people whose opinions of me seemed to matter so much. I asked myself a few questions. The most important one being…does that person hold weight in my life? Does whether or not they approve of me affect who I am? If they don’t, how does that impact me?

Those questions allowed me to figure out some other things. One of which is the importance of self love. That’s about treating yourself with the same care, tolerance, generosity and compassion as you would treat someone in your life.

If you try to live up to an image of what you think others want you to be - you are following a compass set by other people's expectations, whether or not those expectations are clearly defined or implied.

And why do that? What makes someone else more important than you? What makes their idea of who someone should be more important than who you think you should be?


The thing for me was that I tried to be my best self every day. Some days I didn’t make it and that was ok. Some days other people didn’t either.

While you may feel that you want the approval of those you love..the reality is that those you love and who love you…should accept you exactly as you are. As for the rest….not your problem.

Be good with you. Deep in your soul. Accept your faults and your amazingness and everything in between because there is no one else in the world like you….and how freakin cool is that? &#61514;

Mighty, dont let this define your life. Dont allow it to determine your self worth. They took enough. Dont give them one ounce more.

[Mighty]

Thank you, uR. Loved that post. I don't think you judged me, at all. It think it came across in a way I didn't mean. It's kind of like, tail between my legs, but with a $hitty grin... like, a puppy who got busted... yeah, I did it.

It felt good at the time. I can't say I wouldn't like to go totally ham on her @ss.

But, she knows what I think of her. I don't need to remind her. What I need to do now, is work on ME. Without their influence.

I really like that post, uR. I know they have some headspace. But, I also know, I have more control over it, therefore, it is much less. I don't let it interfere with my life, so to speak. It's more in the quiet time it creeps in...

I think getting a small glimpse into his most recent... I don't know what to call it.... projections (????) .... have put my mind back in the WTF mode.

Overall, I'm OK. And I think about it, mostly, from an arms length... if that makes any sense.

Reading that post game me a sort of image I have of myself. I'm me, for sure. I guess, I would think that I don't care what people think of me, but I think that I just feel so... lost.

Maybe because I feel... unloved. I can rationalize that I am valuable... but then, why am I disposable? Why wasn't I worthy?

Look, I get it... to a point, that is. I hear- it's not about you. However, it was me.

So, reading your post, I thought about how I do value myself, and now, I am more readily able to shut down behaviors/people who I feel don't treat me the way I feel they should. I have a guard up, which is not normal for me. It's like run by a natural force, not my natural instincts.

I probably don't make sense, but it seems like this experience has awakened a part of me that has never existed. It does not communicate with the part of me that I am familiar with. It works on its own. Its to protect me from outside invaders or something.

(Here goes number 7)

OK, so.. your post. Made me think of myself as this person who conceptualizes and feels what it is to be me. To embrace it, to not allow others' judgments affect me. And I am that. But, it's full of holes.

I will figure it out. Got some work to do there.

This: "They are in crisis. They dont know it. It was destined for them. No amount of loving them could stop it. They dont know why they do what they do."

I know it ^^^^^ but it def helps to hear it again.

You know... I am a slow learner!

Thank you, uR.

[BrightFuture]

You are a lot like me, M, in that you want to understand things.

So are a lot of people on this board. Don’t we all want to understand things? We would not be here if we wouldn’t.

So, how do you let go of wanting to know? Because if you dont, it keeps you stuck. How do you allow what he says to wash over you? You have all the power here, you know. All of it. You get to decide what you think, how you react.

You may think that saying you want to understand isnt giving it headspace, but it is. And its not the good kind of headspace.

Maybe I’m not understanding this correctly, but I have some thoughts… I keep reading what some other vets post here, about how it is a waste of time to keep thinking about the reasons and looking for the answers, and “giving it headspace”, etc. But… They all went through this process. Yes, at the end, they had these thoughts that it was a waste of time, because they all came out of this process stronger and wiser. BUT! They all went through this process! It is just like telling a toddler who is just starting to walk “you can do it without falling and tears, you don’t need to fall, you just need to take the perfect steps and be confident and trust all people who went through this before you that it all works if you just follow the advice.” Again… I might be way off the charts here.

I think this is just a natural path towards acceptance and healing. I’ve read somewhere that it is actually a necessary step to put a story behind the broken R. This especially applies to women. I know that I need that story. It helps me to move on on a path to forgiveness and healing. I think it would prolong my healing (mind you almost 3 years now), if I would just shut down all my thoughts about WHY this happened. But again… I might be wrong. Stubborn me…

Sorry for the high jack, Mighty. I think you are doing fantastic! Keep on going!

[beatrice]

Here is my 2 c. It helped me, and still helps me, to understand the process as far as I can. That way I can think 'Oh this is going on and here is (probably) why'.

Does it change things in themselves - no, but for some of us at least it changes how we view it and how we feel about it. De-personalises it. I can see this doesn't work for everyone -

Anyways, my xh sounds a lot like your xh Mighty. OMG those rages, the awfulness. Out of the blue. I stopped picking up the phone - always got someone else to do it.

Then the coming back, fog apparently lifted, etc etc.

Now he is much more into blaming me. It is as if it is a different sort of fog. But I can tell he now (10 years on) he misses what he had. I think he wants it all - the kids, me his new life. Fantasy land with politeness though!

Go with your gut. I think by processing intellectually it you will gradually let it go. I tried the other ways, and they didn't work for me. It has been a long time. A long MLC and I am a slow learner.

I have got him out of my headspace by thinking through it. It is quite different from obsessing. These days I think about him on a day to day basis very little. I remain interested in the MLC process - it pulls apart so many lives, and is so little understood.

You are amazing - dealing with so much. I agree that we learn a lot through this process. At the same time, I am sometimes depleted by it Dealing with this is exhausting - which is why the ever-wise Job tells us to be good to ourselves.

[beatrice]

PS - I also think you are right - there is a lot in their behaviour that is aimed at attracting our attention - like a toddler. I suspect that your xh was emotionally neglected as a little one. The rages, and the tendency to throw their toys out of the pram are a giveaway.

Toddlers do not have a large emotional range, but it is a powerful and manipulative one! On one level they know what they are doing.

[uRworthy]

Bright, maybe I can explain it further.

Yes, it is a necessary part of this to try to understand it. But the truth is, we will never be able to fully for the reasons I said. So, at some point, we have to let go of trying.

I kept trying and trying. Going round and round in my head. And I wished I had listened to the people who told me to let it go sooner.

As Bea said, there is trying to understand it and there is obsessing about it. Eventually we just need to accept what is because there is no way to fully get your mind around it.

I just want Mighty to get to where she needs to be. If thinking about it over and over gets her there, great. But I am here to try to help and based on my experiences, the sooner she lets go of rehashing it in her head, the better for her.

To me, the way to acceptance is in changing your mindset. Most times when we keep thinking about it, it keeps us in that place.

I only want whats best for her. And this is her journey. She can take what she wants and leave the rest. She certainly doesnt have to follow what I say, if she doesnt want to.

I was blessed to have some amazing people walk this with me. I thank God every day for them. I wouldnt have made it through without them. And the most important advice I was given was to try to make peace with not knowing or understanding. Didnt happen right away. It was a process, but it is the necessary steps that need to be taken in order to come out whole.

[2BHappy]

Mighty

I don't think we will ever really understand, and if we did would it really make a difference in the end. I understand that my H is going thru something, that I CANNOT help him thru. We can only stand on the side out of the way and watch.

Don't feed into what he is doing or saying or thinking or how he is living his life.

We have to live our lives the best way for us right now.

Hang in there, keep moving forward.

[vge1]

Hi Mighty.
Just caught up with your sitch.

I am sorry that all of this is happening. I read your venting and I am right beside you. I am cheering you on. You are doing an amazing job.

The vets are giving great advice that all of us need to remind ourselves that our spouses as we knew them are gone. No more heart or head space.

I too wish that I could completely disengage and move on.

I'll be praying for you and your dear children. They love you. God loves you. It's not your fault. You are blessed and a blessing.

In His love,

VGE1

Romans 8:28