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#2577944 06/13/15 12:51 PM
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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2568442&page=11

My antiversary is in 4 days. First off I want to thank everyone that has been so supportive along the way. I truly can't name you all, you've all been important to me more than you know.

When I think about who I was a year ago I am so grateful for this experience. I hope that all of you early in your situations hear me on this. I was NOT my best self, and I was in more pain than I can describe. If you put in the work your life will improve and you will feel better. No, I don't think D was necessary for this growth to be possible. That wasn't my choice, and while I'm still sad about the impact to the family, I don't have room in my heart to cling to hurts and judgments about it.

Now in month 12 I am very detached. STBX is still in my dreams on occasion with the feelings of fear being conjured (fear of what was lost, fear of judgment, those seemed to be the context). But they aren't nightmares. Just dreams.

I've learned that loving and trusting someone doesn't make them worthy of that trust. This is so cool. For a while I was really jaded, and am still a bit snake bit. You read enough of these boards and you can form the picture that everyone is just out there having emotional affairs, cheating, medicating, and leading double lives. But then, some of the people on this forum are truly inspirational. There are people that are dealing with their problems head on, finding their best self, and showing tremendous character and commitment even while having some adventurous fun in the sun. It's you all that remind me every day that a good marriage is still possible.

The funny thing about that is I've been growing in confidence about what I offer in a future R. My two fears have always been "why would a woman want me" and "she will be disgusted by my desires". At this point, though, I think I'll be much more selective of who I'm interested in. I am not going to jump at the first girl that gives me a pretty smile (even if my emotions are going crazy and my body is too). I will be much slower and more careful, and know what I am looking for now. To be honest in the past is I have accepted and clung to any woman that showed me interest. By not being so desperate and having some standards I see that I am valuing myself more. As for my desires, I have reflected on them long and hard. Some don't have a place in my life and that's fine. Some may not in the future. But what remains I'm ok with. I've reflected on my IC/DB's coaching (questioning my motivation, whether it was making me and those around feel better about who we are, if I was ashamed of it and wanted to hide it, and so on) and I'm feeling more acceptance about my desire as well. I no longer feel I'm broken. Just this is who I am, some people won't be a match, but I think someone will.

And while I have standards, I don't think they're impossibly high or delusional. I understand M will have ups and downs, stretches of years that would drive most people to become WAS's, and eventually will result in the loss of everything through failing health, etc. Other than a mature woman who doesn't have hardlined incompatible views I'm pretty openminded and flexible. I'm not expecting a perfect M to make my life happy. But I do think I'm getting closer to ready for an adult relationship, and I think I'm closer to ready to find someone that can do the same.

And I've got much more time to figure it out. Instead of being desperate to be in another R, I'm excited I have more time to keep pressing. So the plan is finalize the D over the next few months, kill it at work, upgrade the car, get a house in a year that's big enough for my family, get in good shape and a nice rhythm keeping the house clean and running my life...then in a year and a half I'll be ready to open the door to someone else. I won't be rushed, I'll just dip a toe in the water. Who knows, maybe I'll do that slightly sooner, but I do believe in the "1 year after the ink is dried" rule and see a lot of value in that for me. I feel if I'm doing well there's no rush, if I'm rushed I'm probably not ready.

Again, I'm so appreciative for the peaceful spot I'm in. I compare this thread to the start of another thread from month 4-5 after BD where my recap included a list of negative behavior from WAS. Ha. I don't even know that is on my radar today. Thank you detachment. For all of you in pain I truly send you goodwill and hope you can get to a safe and comfortable spot soon. Maybe when you read my recap it causes you pain, I'm talking about D, future Rs, moving, etc. But just in case it doesn't come through I want to make it really clear that while I'm not saying "good riddance" to my old M, I'm just focused on my road, what I can control, and am very excited about the journey I'm on. It's been a life saver. God bless you all.

PS- GAL today, I'm reading in bed, playing chess, posting online, then I'll have a nice breakfast, get a massage, and head down to my hometown to see a friend I haven't in a year and eat at my favorite restaurant I haven't been to forever, then we're going to play a poker game into the wee hours and I'll crash at his flat. I've been given many good things, nice to appreciate them and it's cool that GAL is coming so naturally. Later!

Last edited by Zues126; 06/13/15 12:52 PM.

Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues126 #2577950 06/13/15 01:06 PM
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i love you man. have a good day. I will write more when i get the chance. just wanted to let you know. you turned me around, and I owe you my (life) happiness smile


M: 6 T: 12
Kids: 2,4
BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015
EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Pyrite #2579075 06/17/15 03:09 AM
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Good recap Zues. 1 year is a long time to be going through what you have but I think you see the value it has added to your life. We may not have asked for this to happen but we made the most of it in every way possible. Be proud of what you have accomplished.

Good luck with tomorrow, remember, its just another day.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Fogg #2579078 06/17/15 03:19 AM
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Thank you very much for posting that Zues and for all of the advice and energy you pour into people's threads, mine included.

Your honesty, willingness to attack your issues head on, and openness about your own shortcomings is truly inspiring. I have pieces of some of your posts copied and pasted into my "this is important stuff, try to read it every week" document. It's a collection of wisdom from people on this board, and other places about making the best of myself.

I too was not my best me in my M and had a lot of the same challenges that you did. You've truly led me down the path to healing my underlying wounds and releasing myself from addictions. You're a blessing my friend.

The post you wrote also gives me hope that if I put the same effort into self improvement that you have I too can end up in a place where I'm ok with everything. Not over it, or disappointed that it needed to happen to shake me up, but ok with it.

May your future continue to be bright, I have a feeling that you're going to find someone out there that's done an equal amount of work on herself and you'll make one hell of a team when the time is right.

My best to you.

PP


M 39 W 36
T5 M3
BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day
Served 9/15
D finalized 6/17
PigPen #2579123 06/17/15 11:59 AM
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Wow, great intro to your new thread, Zues. Especially since - as someone on pretty much the same timeline as you - I absolutely agree with it!


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Zues126 #2579147 06/17/15 01:45 PM
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What a wonderful post to read dear Zeus. Can't wait until I'm as far along as you. I think you're a guiding light to many here and we all feel just as fortunate to have you post on our treads as you've been to the ones that helped you along the way.

No matter how all our stitches ends, we will let time heal us and I hope as you that in my next R I will know more about myself and what I what and what I have to offer another man.

All my best to you Zeus, GAL away and I'll try to do the same!

Big hug!!


M: 44 H: 43
ILYBNILWY: 7/4-15 Decided to try to reconnect.
"This doesn't work, I have no feelings": 20/4-15
Scheduled "talk" :9/5-15
It's over: 9/5
Tulo #2580233 06/20/15 11:11 AM
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FOUR DREAMS AND A LUNCH EXCHANGE:

Dreams (over the last three nights)
-Night one: I'm in bed with STBX. I have intense feelings of love. I reach to her, grab her, but she pulls away. I realize we aren't together and am heartbroken.

-Night two: Don't remember the context, but it culminated with me screaming "I DON'T WANT THIS, IT'S NOT OK WITH ME, NONE OF THIS IS OK WITH ME"

Night three (just now): Part 1- I find myself screaming at my sister who is friends with STBX "You'll never understand how much this hurt me".

Part 2- I meet a woman who lives this weird life where she has toys that she pretends are her family and locks them into cages. One toy is her "dad". One toy is her "mom". And she has her toys that are her "children". They are strange toys, that roll around by themselves on wheels and have strange faces. Finally I understand something. These aren't toys. They were really her family once, but she lobotomized them and operated on them until they were just shells of people stuffed into toy parts. I try to break the kids out and she tries to do the same to me and calls her attack dogs on me, but I escape. Then I find out it was all a movie I was watching on TV.

Lunch meeting:
I ate lunch with my dad yesterday. He was talking about a comedian who's sketch was called something like "I'm going to die alone and I'm ok with that". He said the comedian referenced people who's life goal was "just to have someone to grow old with". He thought it was a sad life goal, because there's a lot of life to live before you're old, and life doesn't work out the way you want, and all of these other reasons. But it felt very condescending towards with this life goal, and just people in general that had foolish goals. I started by voicing my difference of opinion with my dad, but he was very stubborn and kept trying to make his point until I found myself getting angry and asked to change the subject, then he laughed that I was getting escalated and I got further upset that he thought it was funny that I was getting escalated. We were done with lunch so I hugged him goodbye and left, but it took me a while to calm down. I didn't realize until later that I MYSELF was someone that had the life goal of growing old with someone, and it had just been shattered, and I am still dealing with intense grief at it's loss, and that I feel people that make light of that goal are perpetrators that destroy people's lives and families.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues126 #2580236 06/20/15 11:23 AM
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First off, if you haven't read my post above, please do. I wanted to jot that down before it all disappeared.

Now then, thank you all for your support! Yes, the antiversary has come and gone. I'm grateful that I have some distance from the wreckage of the crashed plane (as my IC says). I survived the crash, I'm safely away from the flames...but my adrenaline is still pumping, and I'm still shaken up a little.

During the day I'm usually ok. I still do my share of sorting through things, but it's probably about 10-20 minutes a day. A couple runs through the hamster wheels of questions that don't go anywhere, like "why", and "will she ever..." And then occasionally with triggers, or when I have to deal with plans for mediation, etc.

Clearly by night I am starting to vent some feelings. Maybe they're getting too weak for them to control me by day, so they are leaking into my dreams? I do know from study that while the meaning of dreams can be disguised by symbolism, the EMOTIONS in dreams are always very real translations from how you feel in you're waking life. Angry. Hurt. Scared. This doesn't bother me. I feel this is still kinda normal.

As for triggers, I have a ways to go. The exchange with my dad above is one example. Another is that I have low tolerance for people who initiated a D. Two of my sisters initiated a D. One is visiting today, I haven't seen her in 4 years. I don't know any of the circumstances or reasons why she got a divorce, but I am very put off and almost don't want her part of my life because of it. Like I feel I don't want any of these "divorcers" in my life because they all just look like monsters right now. PSTD or something.

Thanks for listening DBland. It's an honor to have your support. Clearly I have a long way to go as the emotions are still stronger than I usually realize. See, 99% of the time I can't tell anymore. Just dreams and triggers. But I want to keep sorting through stuff, otherwise I could just try to bury it and pretend. But I want to be healthy, because I want to be a good partner so I can find someone to grow old with someday wink

That said, I truly have been blessed with more peace than ever before. It's not like I wasn't hurt and angry during my M! In many ways this is the best I've ever been. So again, thank you so much for the help along the way. Here's to another good year!


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues126 #2580262 06/20/15 01:50 PM
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I've have had feelings seep through in in the past also. The most recent one I can remember me and W were in reversed situation. I was the one in an A with some woman walking around a house that W also lived in. W was going on with life like nothing was going on. Basically she was focusing on herself and I was the one making all the mistakes. I realized the feelings I had were of confusion for what I was doing but I wasn't ready to give it up even thought I could see it was wrong. I've wondered if this was me trying to understand how I might appear to W. I've put myself in my W's shoes a great deal with this and while its chaotic at times its also let me see her as less of a monster.

I've had others where we were just interacting like we were still M. Mostly the dreams I've had are ones where she comes to me and realizes the mistake shes made and wants to make the M work, those are the hardest. They seem to come and go every few weeks/months.

I can understand your frustration with people who initiate a D but it might be good to try and view them in a different way. Put yourself in their shoes and try to empathize with them. It helps to understand when life piles enough [censored] on someone they are capable of almost anything. It just takes the right conditions and us all are capable of the same actions. We can sit here and say we wouldn't be the ones to initiate a D, but until we were put through the same [censored] we just don't know. I think we all have a limit that would make us cross that line, some just have a much lower threshold.

They are human just as we are and capable of making mistakes. Not being strong enough or have the tools capable of repairing a M that may have severe issues. They are also susceptible to selfish behavior just like we are, and sometimes it gets the best of them. This doesn't excuse the behavior, just lets us understand its human nature to make mistakes. Even when looking at A's I realize I cant say what I would and wouldn't do. If I was that broken and someone started making me feel valuable for once, I realize it would be possible for me to have one. Not saying I would seek one out, but again I believe there are certain circumstances where anyone could be sucked into the temptation.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Fogg #2580550 06/21/15 09:10 PM
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Happy Fathers' Day, Zues!



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
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