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job #2581446 06/24/15 07:10 AM
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Thank you all so much. You've helped a lot these past few days. I decided I won't agree to file, and I feel happy with that. I think the big problem I had was H being so nice. And I felt I SHOULD accommodate his request. But I realise that the niceness could just as well be manipulative. And I think I should just do what I WANT - which is not file.

Thanks for your suggested replies. I'll wait for some feedback, but I'm thinking:

H,Thanks for not wanting to file for divorce citing my fault. I know you would prefer me to file, but divorce isn't what I want, and I won't initiate it.

We could divorce on a no fault basis next year. I'd prefer we at least wait until then, but agree financial and settlement details now.

If you choose to file now, I'll respect your choice as I've already said. I'm sorry if filing will cause you pain. Please know that I only wish the best for you.

Take care, Toots.


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2581480 06/24/15 10:54 AM
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Hi - so sorry you are having to go through this, its does sound like your h is being manipulative - if you file he can tell all those around him that you were the one who gave up ... that will be the fantasy version he maybe coming up with in his skidaddle head.

Personally toots (and I am in no position to advise you, so its just my 2cents) I would not do or say anything, not respond to it at all. If your h asks you again about what you intend doing about the d then politely say "nothing, its your choice".

I spent a few months thinking about filing myself, then came to the conclusion that it was him who started this so it should be him that finishes it. I will only file when it benefits me.

Think about yourself toots and do what you feel right for you. You are doing great, stay strong and don't let your h bully you, you deserve to be treated with respect.

LouR #2581484 06/24/15 11:29 AM
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I totally agree with Lou. I wouldn't say a thing. You will find, if you take that route, there will be many benefits that come out for you. Once you find yourself not haveing to explain or even having to fluff his pillow, it will be a big step in the detachment process. And that's my two cents!

Mighty #2581485 06/24/15 11:32 AM
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I wouldn't say anything about filing at this time. If he should ask, that is when I would say that I'm not planning to do anything about it. He started this trip, he should be the one to finish it.

The less you say and/or try to explain yourself, the better.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Cadet #2581487 06/24/15 11:47 AM
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Originally Posted By: Cadet
Originally Posted By: Toots
I feel he won't stop until he has a new family of his own.
With whom I don't know.
And I feel he wants me to make it easy on him. Help him reduce the legal fees.
File for D myself because he feels rotten doing it.

I think you should answer

H I will not stand in your way of YOUR divorce.
If this is something you want to do than it is up to
you to do the work.
I will not do the work for YOUR divorce.
I EXPECT a generous settlement for this
and await your offering.

________________________________________________

Then go as dark as possible.


I revise my advise,
I like the DUCT TAPE response better,

say nothing at all.


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2581564 06/24/15 04:01 PM
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Thanks Guys - I like the idea of STFU for now. I'm sure he'll be in touch soon enough. He seems pretty keen to move forward. I don't want to delay unduly on the financials - but there's no pressing need for me to push either just now.

Really appreciate all the advice. Thanks for taking the time to post xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2581604 06/24/15 06:31 PM
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Toots .. sorry just caught up but as usually .. everyone is spot on.

I do not think YOU want to file ... so yeah .. he wants it .. let him do the work, you be the rock and lighthouse and do not let him trick you into doing the dirty work.

As you said .. your life would not change, you are dealing with the emotions right now. This is a long marathon and when and IF you ever get to a point you need the D to move on then sure go ahead and pull that trigger, but I get the sense like me you have hit a point where single, separated, married you were still the same person when you woke up and your H can not change that.

Hang in there Toots, maybe this is just a temp check from your H ... don't mind me .. I am a Jedi level mind reader.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



CaliGuy #2581633 06/24/15 07:41 PM
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Hi Toots,

Will catch up later today, but it seems we are both having a tornado season just now.

((((((((((Toots))))))))))))

I am thinking a lot about you... sending you a big huge hug to make everything a tiny bit better.

Hang in there,
Pink


Pink17
S22,19 and 16
D:8/5/2015



Pink17 #2581824 06/25/15 11:49 AM
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Working from home today and just taking a break for lunch. Got some emails from H today. He has worked out what we were both worth when we moved in together and our total worth now. Then he has worked out a proposed division of assets with a couple of options how we could divide.

Looking at the figures, I'm happy with what he suggests. I'm pleased that he is now looking at 50/50 and including what we have built up together. Previously, he only saw our jointly owned main home as 'ours' and everything else as 'his.' On the downside, he seems willing to put in some work, and part with a lot of cash to get himself our of our M - sigh.

I'm still thinking about the filing for D thing - and thinking about Jim's 'second best' option.

My preferred option would be wait for 2 years and no-fault. (ie: wait a year.)
My second option would be for him to file now
My least preferred option would be for me to file

I don't think he'll wait (though he may surprise me.) But he seems all focused on getting himself out, and ready to potentially have a family again. With whom IDK. So, I think he will file if I don't, and he'll have to do so on 'unreasonable behaviour' grounds. My L says the grounds have to be true and significant enough to lead to D - although the bar isn't that high.

My worry is that I may be really hurt by whatever grounds he chooses, and I wonder whether it may be best for he and I to work together on these in order to avoid that hurt for myself. I know people say not to enable the D, and I'm quite sure I don't want to file for D. But I would prefer to avoid the pain of what he uses to file. I worry it may haunt me.

Maybe you feel I'm focusing too much on D just now - but TBH all his actions are headed that way and he seems resolute. I think I may just need to accept and move along with it all.

Hope everyone is having a good day xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2581828 06/25/15 12:10 PM
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Toots - I have noticed that MLCers are often more generous in the early stages.

If he wants a divorce then I would suggest going ahead with him filing (but not filing yourself) If you wait a year, yes. he might reconcile (but he might do that anyway) The downside is that he could be feeling much meaner by then.

But it has to be what you are comfortable with

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