Hi again Toots. I hope you don't mind a little one to one but bar H you're life sounds fantastic When I say bar H , I think you know exactly what I mean !!!!
You know my sitch and have being incredibly kind and supportive throughout.
I know I flirt on here and it's a safe place to do so BUT when I look to my future I honestly would kill for a Toots in my life. I doubt I will ever meet someone with your strength , caring , loving and intelligence. You know myself and Pink have plans !!!!!!!! but I mean it , whoever is lucky enough to have you in their life in the future will be a very , very happy man.
Your H does sound resolute but remember how Edz W was adament about her feelings for Edz.
MrBond took years to get his R back on track. I have read many stories on here of reconcilliation when all seemed lost.
Hopeless is what I see for your H not for you Toots is too good for this version of your H I wish I could arrive at your door , collect Vanillia and Pink and we could all have a night on the town and forget all about this cr@p we have have to deal with
Please don't be down , you have a lot of positives in your life and one big negative. Positives will win , I promise. Would Rd lie ????
I hope I put a little smile on your face , even for a few minutes
Please have a long long hug and a it will be ok wispered in your ear from an online friend.
You are a very special lady and deserve so much more. You will be. very happy again and this time will be a distant memory
He does sound very resolute but also very lost. But it also sounds genuine and caring (yes it may be a crock of.....)
Did your H ever go through phases of needing to change something because he wasn't happy? Did that something become something else the moment the change took place?
Finances - In my opinion, the more you can do yourself the better then just get lawyers to review the final draft of the agreement
As for divorce, how about a reply to your H that says something like.
'Thank you for not wanting to file for divorce citing my fault. I know you think it would be better if I did but this is not something I would want to do either, it seems hurtful when it's clear this has been very difficult for you as well.
We would be able to agree to divorce on a no fault basis in about a years time and I'd prefer we at least wait until then although we can agree all the financial and settlement details.'
I know ive said it before the question that helps me the most is this one 'whats the second best outcome?'
By framing the second best outcome I can park a lot of the emotional stuff associated with what I think is the best outcome and hear more if what she say's
Hope you're feeling positivr
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Oh, Toots. Rough couple of days for you I'm sure. Sounds like an even rougher couple of days for your H though...not that that makes it better in any way. I'm not sure what to say or offer. I recall early on reading "the only way out is through" which helped...and also you using the analogy of the tornado. I guess you've just got to keep pushing through in a way that leaves Toots feeling ok about how she carried herself?
Toots, I relate to you like no one else on here. Not only because we have disappearing H's who generally remain civil when we do interact, but also because we seem to have similar reactions to our sitches. Like you I haven't really experienced an anger phase and also you said something that resonated...about having had a conversation with a friend about how you intended to be a model in the way that you responded to your sitch (or something to that effect). I wonder how that last bit is working for you lately? I mean, bar this recent email from H, you really sound like you've got a lot of great things going on in your life. It oozes from your posts. But is part of you still holding on because you want to keep up appearances? I really hope I don't offend in saying that...I honestly feel similarly a lot of the time. Lately though I feel things have tipped and I'm not afraid of H filing for D anymore. If it happens, it happens. It's his loss. Part of that relates to the fact that I'm getting curious about meeting other men...and it's shifting my focus away from "I hope we R" to "I'm going to do my own thing, and I'll deal with R if and when that becomes an option...but at this rate H is the one that is going to lose out". It feels pretty good actually. Now I may feel different if I got an email like the one you got...but I am wondering what is it that keeps you holding on to your H...and does it require a bit of self-examination?
Sending big hugs to you today, Toots.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Thanks guys. It has been rough, and to be honest I have lost hope just now. I feel it may be kinder to him, and maybe to me, to agree to file. Does it make sense to stall or wait another year, or force him to file?
I know that not losing hope is one of the 37 rules, but I have. It would almost be better if he had been more horrible. But he asked me nicely & I think he really wants me to let go now.
I'll think some more, but this is where my mind is at tonight...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
My thought takes me to what a dear friend said to me at one point, "people get remarried all the time." Divorce may be kind to you, too. It allows you to let go of even hope and TRULY live your life for you.
A question for you to ponder, would a year of true detachment and space be more valuable for you than a year of distant hope in stalling for hope of reconciliation?
I admire you, dear lady. You are a model.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
Thanks Z. I had a big cry and a good sleep last night. I feel calmer today, but have a sore throat, and need to work. I feel this has been another flip round the rollercoaster.
I think I just need some time to process now. It is a big decision & I don't want to make it when I feel so emotional. H is still displaying a big 'fill the void' need. He tried with OW and he now seeks 'new family' to do that. Logically, I see that. Emotionally, it is hard to read how 'done' he seems.
Anyway, I'll work, look after me and absorb things. H can wait as long as I need..I feel I am on the ledge not because I feel done, but because I believe he is truly done and I should give him what he now wants. Is that wrong?
Take care all xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Well, I survived a couple of busy days at work - despite feeling unsettled and upset about my sitch. I feel in many ways I do well, and my life is busy and pleasant. And my life wouldn't change much if we did D. But how upset I have felt since H asked me to file on Sun, makes me realise I have more work to do on detachment. Although I am independent in a practical sense, I struggle to let our M/R go in an emotional sense. And I think I have been grieving for what I feel is the final loss of our M. But then that is against one of the 37 rules - don't lose hope.
I feel some pressure to make a decision now. Should I file as H has asked, or should I not? I just don't know. I know for sure I wouldn't be filing left to my own devices. But I feel H wants me to let him go now, and I wonder if I am being selfish/stupid trying to hold on?
If anyone has any insight to offer, I would be so grateful. I know I don't need to decide right now, but I am feeling the pressure of his request.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I feel he won't stop until he has a new family of his own. With whom I don't know. And I feel he wants me to make it easy on him. Help him reduce the legal fees. File for D myself because he feels rotten doing it.
I think you should answer
H I will not stand in your way of YOUR divorce. If this is something you want to do than it is up to you to do the work. I will not do the work for YOUR divorce. I EXPECT a generous settlement for this and await your offering.
Hi Toots. M I dont think you should file If your undecided about something I would advise do nothing
You clearly don't want to file so why would you ? Your H finished the M and it was his choice You had an input to the problems no doubt but you were prepared to stand for your M. And still are
Toots, If your h wants a divorce, then he should be the one to file. One of the reasons he wants you to file is so that he can announce to the world that you filed and it makes him look like the injured party. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of accommodating his wish that you file. Also, I know in my area that the person petitioner is the one that pays the court costs and since you really don't want to do this, why should you pay additional costs too?
Toots when in doubt, do nothing. Again, he wants the divorce, then he should do the work to get it taken care of and yes, be sure you get a proper settlement. Bounce the ball back into his court. After all, he's the one that is walking away from his marriage vows and you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
