I found you - thanks to your post in my thread earlier today.
Dear Toots, I too will follow you anywhere.
Why do you feel you've been mentioning D a lot lately? Do you feel like you are in a state of limbo?
Many *Hugs*
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Hi Gan, Bob, Jim - thansk for stopping by. Jim, how do I feel when I mention divorce? Well, I feel it isn't what I want. I partly feel I'm waiting for the guillotine to drop. I partly feel a little numb now. So much has happened, you know?
I also feel that I don't really know quite what I want now in terms of a possible R with H. It's hard to like him much just now. I also worry that others show more anger than me? Am I angry enough or am I internalising things? I still find it painful to think of that time before BD when he was deep into an A, and deceiving me.
I think I'm partly still here because I feel I have come so far, it would be a shame to throw in the towel. And I'm also mindful that people say we should hang on in there, and try to save our M's even when we don't really feel like it any more. And plus, I know the stats and the fact that many WAS' ultimately turn back.
I partly feel relieved too. That if H were to file, things would at least be resolved/resolving in some way. And the worse part of me thinks - yes and it would all be on him if he files. Although I know there are things I could have done better.
I worry about trust going forwards. If H and I were ever to reconcile, trust would need to be rebuilt of course. Could I do that. Am I forgiving enough? But if we don't, I may have to develop trust with someone else. How will I do that? Will I do it? I don't know that I would marry again. Pool resources and become so vulnerable with someone again. I doubt my ability to chose well now. Future R's may have to be on my terms - own houses, separate finances - time alone when we feel like it.
H and I have completely separate lives just now. He doesn't know what I do and I don't know what he does. We have spoken for less than an hour in total in the past eight months. There is a lot of distance and it is hard to see how that could be overcome. But I still don't want to file for divorce. I feel that he feels barely anything for me and probably now sees our M as a mistake. I imagine he wishes I would just file and get it over with. And I know all this is mindreading and may or may not be the case.
So, in answer to your question Jim - I guess my feelings are confused, which makes me feel I'm not ready to do anything just now. Next month it will be a year since BD and I will have another think about things then.
As for the rest of my life - well, I've come a long way. I have a new job, new flat, new friends, new hobbies. I have rebuilt my life from losing almost everything at BD. And I feel proud of that, and not willing to give it up lightly. I think that's as much as I can say. I guess I'm a bit of a mixed bag just now...
Last edited by Toots; 06/18/1508:40 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Your statement about trust and pooling resources struck a chord with me. I completely get that ... even if its someone new, what we have experienced is as traumatic as a car wreck, and after one goes through that the excitement of going for another ride ... well .. yeah.... not so much. Trust is a very delicate thing, like a rare plant, takes years of patience and nourturing for it to thrive .. but just one thing, drop in temp, not enough sun, to much sun .. any little thing can effect it and if not monitored it can die so easily .... not even talking about trust after what we have gone through. I asked myself some time ago, will it be easier to trust my W after all this .. or someone new ... I could not answer this, knowing I would take those lessons and hurts from the M and project them onto a new R, I mean .. its my baggage and I have to deal with that, so I decided no way would I get into a R till I could look at it for what it was .. a new start ... easier said than done.
As far as pooling resources ... even IF my W and I get back together that is not going to happen, I will always keep my own account, lesson learned there and I will never be in that position again ... she was in control of all funds, cleaned em out and pretty much I was on my own. I will not be a victim like that ever again with anyone ... and am thankful for the lesson as being in control of my own finances has helped rebuild some of my lost esteem.
Toots your H is off in la la land, you have some time to rebuild and become who you want to be, use this time as you have, continue to grow and heal, you will need to regardless of what happens with your H
Hi Toots. You seem to be thinking a lot and the impression I get is Toots is ok
How you've changed your life is amazing and what we've come to expect of you.
ive been reading DB again and she does recommend mixing it up if things aren't changing. I know that's hard in your sitch and maybe not what your comfortable with right now but maybe something to think about
Thanks for answering - I find your answer really interesting for a whole bunch of reasons.
Confused seems fine to me given everything that has happened/ is happening. I hope you dont mind but im going to go with a few more questions - feel free to ignore them.
you've mentioned the anger or lack of it thing before (I think Gan has as well). Does this concern you? what happens if you dwell on that pain you feel when you think of pre-BD? does it disappate, do you shrug it off or something else?
Hypothetically if you were magically divorced tomorrow, what would be different for you? (for me the answer is nothing by the way)
Job's advice is good i think and you absolutely should be proud of everything you've done since BD to build yourself a new life. RD has said it lots of times but its worth repeating, the way you left when you found out is to be admired.
lots more i could say but 'i agree with Toots' about sums it up
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Thanks for your wonderful, thoughtful and inspiring post you wrote on my thread. For some reason, it made me a lot calmer, and I read a few times a few of your precious advices too.
I think you are doing very well and it's totally understandable the confusion. It's like: So, H wants to move on, have a different life with kiddos and all the noise, so why he did not serve me papers yet?
And, you are probably in the right place now, the land of MLC, or the La La Land as they say over here.
It's very hard when everything is a big ball of mixed up messages, behaviors. But you are doing what the wise here advice: Take care after Toots first, you will be better if back with H or with someone else, or just feel really proud of yourself.
About the anger... well, I am very close to get my Bachelors in it. I really think it is very personal the way we deal with our pain, pride, trust, hurts, wounds, passion, love... I would just be careful if you find yourself down sometimes and then creates a whole scenario to avoid the confrontation with your own self.
But, if you feel it is not the case for you, then maybe you are just built this way and things will be probably fine.
I am glad to hear that your mom is a little better. At her age it is a health rollercoaster. I hope your dad is taking good care after himself. It is not unusual that the one caring for the sick, will became very ill himself. In any way, I envy you for having your parents, for seeing them almost every day. You are very lucky.
Toots, I really hope that now with a new job and new responsibilities, that your H will start thinking a little more clear and come back from outer space.
Red it is... I will order mine right away once Jim gets it up for sale.
Toots, I just read up on your sitch. We have something in common with our H's and that is the desire for children. I think this is a big thing that my H has been reflecting on in his MLC (?). We both wanted children when we first got married, but that was put on hold by both of us because my H wanted to go back to school. He kept having the opportunity to continue on with higher degrees, which in turn kept delaying children. I will say that was a mutual discussion and decision. At no point did he express concerns or offer solutions to try and fit in with his schooling and me needing to work full time. He actually often seemed turned off by others children. I just assumed this was a sacrifice we both were making for his education. It is not that I don't want children, but how to fit it in in the past. I think he is now regretting our decision, but he is putting it all on me by saying it was not important to me and I knew it was important too him.
I too am 45, so the chances of this happening naturally are slim. There are other options that we had discussed, but maybe those are no longer an option for my H. I know my H has made comments regarding being alone at 70 with no one. That also goes to the aging factor. Maybe your H is having similar thoughts?
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
