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#2577369 06/11/15 05:36 PM
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I've been posting in infidelity so far, but feel my sitch is actually more about MLC. Here is a link to my previous thread...

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2568610&page=11

My H had (is having?) an A with a woman 15 years younger than him. He decided to start 'dating' whilst working away, without ever telling me there was a problem with our M.

We have been happily married. Although I think we are both conflict avoidant and what I thought was 'harmony' may have been suppression.

He said he feels he has a void right in the middle of his heart. He said he is lonely and thinks he is suffering from depression.

He lost around 40lbs and is much more concerned about his appearance.

He said he loves me, thinks I am beautiful and the best person to be M to.

But he feels he can't grow old without the chance to be a full time Dad again.

We have been S for almost a year and have limited contact. He told me he wants a D in March, but hasn't filed so far. Our MH is on the market and I am initiating £ separation just now.

I have been DBing since October and have made strides forward in terms of my own life, new friends, independance and so on. I would like to save our M if possible.

Thanks for reading, and looking forward to getting to know you lovely folk in this part of the forum...

Last edited by Toots; 06/11/15 05:38 PM.

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2577378 06/11/15 05:53 PM
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Welcome ... errr ... well you know what I mean... to the MLC side of the tracks Toots.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



CaliGuy #2577453 06/11/15 08:53 PM
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Hey - Welcome Toots - Do you need my MLC Welcome Post with all the MLC homework?

I will be glad to post it here if you need it.


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2577460 06/11/15 09:06 PM
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Hi Cadet, I would love a welcome post - that's kind of you to offer. And Cali, thanks for the welcome too - I feel like the new girl in class today grin

Last edited by Toots; 06/11/15 09:07 PM.

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2577510 06/11/15 11:10 PM
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Hi Toots I will follow you anywhere !!


Take care. Rd

Sotto #2577511 06/11/15 11:10 PM
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Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.


I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2560187#Post2560187

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.


Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2577525 06/12/15 12:04 AM
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Quote:
He said he loves me, thinks I am beautiful and the best person to be M to.

But he feels he can't grow old without the chance to be a full time Dad again.


Toots - one question about this - are you positive that the OW isn't ALREADY pregnant, or hasn't ALREADY had his child??

Stranger things have happened (read Mighty's threads here).

kml #2577595 06/12/15 06:49 AM
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Hi KML, fortunately it doesn't seem to be the case that he has got someone else pregnant. I occasionally snoop at his desktop when I call into the marital home. Last I knew (April/May) he had been to visit his folks in the US and there were some emails from his sister to him and a friend of hers, joking about them both being broody and they should get together. He then sent quite a flirty email to the friend.

OW was abroad from May'14-Feb'15 and mostly with her partner that time. She did return to the UK in Feb and is now in the same city as H. But I snooped at some text for an email he sent her in Jan. It was all about - if she comes back and they are to be together, he needs things to be simple - no mention of a baby! Then he emailed me in Feb, saying he had made a big mistake having an A and forgot what was important...My sense is she dumped him on her return to the UK, and he is now dating. But who knows??

Him wanting to have another family is something he's said a number of times since BD. He has also told me it was something he would have liked, but it's not central. And he has also said - I think it would be nice on the one hand, but - ugh - I'm 45, would I really want to go through all that again??

Well, I'm volunteering at the charity bookstore this morning, then off to see my parents later. Cadet, thanks so much for the welcome posts....and RD, thanks for following me over here smile Have a good day everyone! xx

Last edited by Toots; 06/12/15 06:51 AM.

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2577663 06/12/15 02:47 PM
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Toots ... yeah this age thing... ugh

My W always wanted more kiddos ... honestly I did to. We miscarried prior to S8, then his delivery was a tough one.. emergency C section, plus we never really dealt with that miscarriage ... so issues started back then and she swore she did not want to go through that again. Enter MLC and like you a snoop here and there I discover she wanted kids with OM ... at 43, thankfully OM went matrix and dodged that bullet but made me think ... starting all over at this age, we waited to long with S as it was but man ... the start driving and I'd be 60???!!! No thanks ... no way am I putting up with Driving Mr Daisy jokes!@!

I do think its that "I am missing out" thing that really drives them into Crazy-ville, for me I see W starting to calm down and not press so much in all areas of MLC crazy ... she still has that going on a bit but much more diluted now, seems currently she is trying to figure out who she is .. piecing the old her with the new her and its strange to watch.

Hopefully he comes to his senses prior to being the Granpa-looking dad!! laugh


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



CaliGuy #2577800 06/12/15 10:49 PM
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Toots I am following too. I know nothing about MLC.......

Only about fruit and nuts

Hugs

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 06/12/15 10:50 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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