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Thanks rd, SB.

It's been a while since I've written anything more than a couple of lines.

I'm back at the boys home now and I'm feeling just a bit down despite my 'progression' in the past few weeks. Daft lass has gone for the weekend but I don't fit in here any longer. The main bedroom doesn't have any of my stuff in it any more: her clothes are now occupying the rails and drawers where my once were. I don't want to sleep in there tonight but it's the sofa otherwise.

There are letters for me and us including a rent increase for this place. I want to take my name off the agreement and utility bills. I don't live here, it's not my home, I don't like being here, it brings me down despite being with my boys.

My other life however is bowling along: not quite as steady and slow as it should perhaps. My new lady friend is quite smitten with me it seems and her friend says I'm a 'keeper'. I think she's great too but ...

What are the buts? Fear? What am I afraid of? OK here comes a jumbled up stream of half baked thoughts.

Fear of being hurt? I don't think thats too big a one as although she is great, as I said, and has wonderful energy and a positive grab life attitude and of course I like being with her ... I've not fallen for her in the same way.

I look forward to seeing her and she sends loads of texts and messages with kisses on to which I respond but she had noticed that it is this way round. I'm unconsciously holding back a bit.

I have vulnerabilities, and so does she and we talk about stuff like this. We have opened up quite a way and this I think maybe one reason she thinks I'm different. I have learned a lot in the past year and I'm not afraid to discuss quite a of it ... but not all.

I fear hurting her ... and being a b*****d. She has been really good to me and I don't want to hurt her. I have never been on the dating scene, I feel I'm in a bit over my head. I feel as though I need to pull back a bit but I also want more.

I also fear that I am betraying my wife. Even though she has ended our marriage, as far as she is concerned, and is now seeing someone else, I was standing up for it. But now what? I've started seeing someone.

I would still prefer to reconcile. I would like to be given the chance to work on it, to save our family. Honestly though, I don't think she will and I also don't know how we could as I now live far away and don't want to come back here.

Ideally, we would relocate to where I live now. Fantasy I know but who knows what will happen in the future.

OK time for bed ... or the sofa.


M: 57 / EW: 52
T: 21, M: 8
S: 18, S: 15
Bomb: 1 Jun 14
EA Aug 2014 I think
PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
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Hi OD. Your right to question your thoughts re the new lady. It's a big step to start a new R.

Take your time and use your new found R knowledge to see real life from fantasy


Take care. Rd

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Hi OD

I understand your doubts as posted above. I know that people sometimes regret hurting a third person in their own pain. And for that reason it's best to take things slowly and be honest about where you are at IMHO.

I think the betrayal is a lesser thing to me. It has been my choice not to date as I am still M. But I could just as well have chosen otherwise and not worried about it. After all, my H's infidelity has broken our M contract just now.

However, the fact that I would hope to save the M if I could is a biggie for me. It doesn't seem fair to become involved with another on that basis. And I am surprised that your friend's friend calls you a keeper on this basis - unless she doesn't know that. I would be urging caution if I were her friend. Particularly with the benefit of recent horrible experience - red flags for me! But I may be extra sensitive.

So - I guess that's the message from me. Slow and honest. Honest that things are far from resolved with your W. And that it would be soon (and possibly unhealthy) to start another R. But friends and some flirting where no-one gets hurt? Very nice!!


T 13 M 7
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BD 7.14 PA
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We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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OD

I don't date for other reasons, simply I am not ready. My healing I has only just started. I still stand for my M and myself but this H is not in my playbook. I can't even read my own thread it's so destructive.

Several posters date, RD was one and he decided it was too soon, I know Mozza. Had an interesting discussion about dating. If you are ready to date, go date and do so with a good heart, which you are.

Your date is a grown woman and must take care of her self. You have told her the score, it's up to her. To decide for her is control and we know where that leads. Let your new gf decide for gf and you work your stuff. Her feelings and sitch are hers to manage.

Go enjoy your life in freedom from expectation.

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 06/21/15 05:56 AM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Yes I have read (some of) Mozza's thread, and Gg's.

I'm not sure I'm ready yet either. I guess I'm dipping a toe in to see. I am in two minds about it: no make that several minds.

Of course dipping a toe also means I'm holding back a bit too. Ah!

For someone who has codependent traits, it's complicated :-)


M: 57 / EW: 52
T: 21, M: 8
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Hi OD. For me it was too soon. My EXW is still denying OM is romantic and she is obviously depressed and a bit lost. When I went fr date the lady was pretty, intelligent and good company but I did feel like I was cheating and it just wasn't me. I like to flirt and have fun with some of the ladies on here but it's all done with the knowledge that we can all choose not to answer. After date the lady has contacted me a few times but I didn't pursue.

My point is that it's all a very personal thing For me you are questioning the R which is healthy and the right thing to do. Your W is gone for now and who knows how long for. OD was in a real bad place a few weeks back and I would encourge you to enjoy life and see what it brings while holding back until you are completly ready to move forward 100%

Take care. Rd

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OD

It's healthy to have reservations, it's natural and reasonable.

Especially so close to WW and your M sitch.

Sensible even cool

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 06/21/15 08:57 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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I had some of the same qualms about leading on, about being confused, etc. My therapist dealt with it by making me realize that these were all doubts related to the future, not the moment I was living. As long as I don't lie to my dates and that I act on my true desires (i.e. not doing what I think others expect of me), I should feel confident that the future will sort itself out. And it does. Many of things that worried me about my dates fell into place neatly a few days or weeks later, when the time had come.

And I will second Vanilla in saying that your date is a grown woman who will think for herself. Continue to open up, acknowledge to yourself and to her the limitations of your feelings and engagement, without fear of her reaction. She'll be grateful for your honesty, even when it's not what she hoped to hear.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
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"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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Sorry to hear that you're finding it a bit tough to be back at the house. I have to confess I've missed hearing you referring to Daft Lass wink Actually that term used to irk me a bit, but now you're able to say it with much more detachment. You feel very different from where I am sitting, OD...in a good way. I'm sorry Daft Lass hasn't come to her senses (yet).

In regards to the lady friend, it's tricky territory isn't it. Let me ask - what do you want to come from this lady friend? Are you open to a romantic relationship with her, and just need to work things through in your own time? If this is the case, then trust in the process....you'll get there in the end but it will take time and it sounds like you are being honest with where you are at which is great.

I'm sort of in a similar position though in my case I don't want anything more than friendship with this new guy friend I've made. In some ways, that leaves me even more confused as to how to proceed as I don't really know what he wants and I'm not yet game to ask.

Anyway, there will be an answer, OD, let it be....


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Gan, why not ask? What could happen?


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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