I am hoping that this new thread will be the start of building my future for myself and my kids! I am going to be working on my issues that I need to deal with. I am going to be doing more GAL activities! I am also working on standing up for myself and my boundaries!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Talked to attorney this morning. Got a few things straightened out before we send her the paperwork. I have decided to keep it as a legal separation for now. It will address my main concerns right. The kids and the financial issues.
D21 texted me yesterday and said WW sent her a long text appologizing for everything. D21 thinks WW is starting to realize what she has done. At least as far as the kids go. That is good. I was happy they patched things up. WW told her she plans to move back up here in the fall.
WW sent me a email yesterday asking me what she needed to do about legal separation documents and wanted to be sure she was allowed to change her name. I have not responded. I am sticking to only talk about the kids. Attorney can handle the rest.
I see where other things on the internet say going dark is not a good way to handle this sitch. There is so much confusing information out there. My problem is I always worry I am doing the wrong thing. Especially now. All these years, I thought I was being a good husband and taking good care of my wife. Come to find out she has been unhappy for a long time.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Good to hear from you, Joe. There is always hope. My dad was a big believer in people changing, b/c he changed the man who he had once been. As you know, I feel that if a WW experiences the right loss in her life, it can cause her to start waking up at the reality she's created. Hopefully, since she's been gone and her family is not with her, she will get a true taste for how shallow and empty her life has become.
I admire the hard struggles you've handled and what a loving parent you are. You will never regret being this strong daddy for your kids. I pray your W comes to her senses and takes the steps to clean out this trash in her life. I really do. There is still hope.
Last edited by sandi2; 06/10/1503:01 PM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Good to hear from you, Joe. There is always hope. My dad was a big believer in people changing, b/c he changed the man who he had once been. As you know, I feel that if a WW experiences the right loss in her life, it can cause her to start waking up at the reality she's created. Hopefully, since she's been gone and her family is not with her, she will get a true taste for how shallow and empty her life has become.
I admire the hard struggles you've handled and what a loving parent you are. You will never regret being this strong daddy for your kids. I pray your W comes to her senses and takes the steps to clean out this trash in her life. I really do. There is still hope.
Thank You Sandi!
I also am a big believer in people changing. I also have changed in many ways. I changed from an alcoholic to a recovering alcoholic. I changed from a quiet person that avoided people to a somewhat social person. I was a real hard person. Now I am more easy going. The sad thing is if WW would have talked to me about our issues, I would have gladly worked on them.
The one thing I can say about all this, is I think most guys would have not taken on all that I have with WW. I took in her and her 3 children. I raised them as my own. Those 3 kids were no picnic! Lots of issues from abandonment from father and the divorce they experienced. I cared for her through all her health issues. I cared for the kids when she could not. I put up with the lies.( but deep down I was becoming resentful) I put up with the financial mess we were in including the house we lost because of her not sending the payments in. I tried my best to trust her. She made it so hard sometimes. I know alot of couples divorce over finances alone. I tried to tolerate this job she was doing because it seemed important to her.
I have been trying to think of the things that I can be positive about with myself through this. It is a struggle to keep myself from getting down on myself about all this.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
I think you're making a good progress here. Look, you're gonna have to tune out all that "other" stuff that's floating on the Internet and focus on DBing because it is working for you.
Keep it up, Joe. I'm happy looking at all the progress you've made. You did a lot because you loved that person and made sacrifices. Now you get a chance to do what you want to do for yourself and you family - you already have.
Keep posting. I love reading all the successes you continue to have every day.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
I think you're making a good progress here. Look, you're gonna have to tune out all that "other" stuff that's floating on the Internet and focus on DBing because it is working for you.
Thank You Wonka!
In some ways I feel like I failed my marriage and failed my kids. But I did try really hard to fix this or work things out. Can't make someone work on a marriage if they don't want to be in it.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Thanks Rip! Here is another success I have made! This year is the first time I have played golf since I was 17. I have dropped 2-3 strokes off each time I have played!! LOL!!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
I agree about the stuff you find on the Internet. The wider you search on this subject, the more various information you'll read. It can cause a lot of confusion for a person.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'm sticking with my going dark approach. I share info about the kids, but that is all. It seems to be working for me. If she feels abandoned by me, I can't help that. But so far she seems fine with it.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Not much new to report around here. Still just working and doing things with the kids. I am looking forward to spending the day with them on Father's day also. I guess one new thing is now SS23 is living with me also. He has been kicked out by his girlfriend. Kinda funny WW runs to CA and I am here taking care of our kids and hers!
I have received several texts the past 2 days from her asking about the kids. Than one today wondering when she can expect the papers from the court. This is the most I have heard from her since she left.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Just thought I should check in! Been very busy around here. With work and spending time with my kids, I have not had much time for anything else. I feel like SUPER DAD! Cooking, cleaning, laundry and running kids around. Setting up doctor appointments that should have been done awhile ago( WW was too busy I guess).
Been reading some at night before bed. Trying to better myself. Been reading alot on boundaries. Very interesting reading! Alot of things have been coming to mind how WW was good at manipulating me. My fault for allowing it. She was good at guilt tripping me also.
I am preparing for another guilt trip. My L put in the parenting plan that she is responsible to the cost of getting kids and bringing them back. It was also my understanding she was coming up here to pick them up after the 4th. Now she has scheduled a appointment and wants me to meet her half way. Part of me does not have a problem with this because that is what most people do in these situations. But the other part is saying that she moved away, I am stuck paying her health insurance, stuck paying a debt she left that got put under my name and I have not asked for child support from her. So any opinions would be appreciated.
Had to have the talk with D12 the other night. I explained that I filed the legal separation papers and what it meant. I also explained why I did it. I did not speak negatively towards her mother at all. But I did tell her that I filed the papers mostly to keep the kids here. She seemed glad I did that. But she was VERY upset. I just comforted her and told her I will be with her through everything and I loved her very much. It was a very hard conversation. I was a little bitter at WW the next day, but I got over it. Luckily I don't hear much from her.
I have been golfing and fishing with the kids! Swimming and playing games! That has been my GAL right now.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
I am so grateful for this forum! I think about where I was and where I am now. I was not able to save my marriage, but I did save myself. I am learning more about myself all the time. I am able to handle things differently now. I used to be afraid to stand up for myself with my W. She was good at making me feel guilty to get her way. She is finding out that does not work anymore. I feel good about myself and the way I have stepped up to take care of my family. I am doing good at GAL. I just wanted to stop in and tell everyone THANK YOU! Especially V, Sandi, Wonka and Cadet!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
I have not been to your thread in a really long time. I am so amazed with the progress you have made. The tone of your thread is upbeat and positive. What a tremendous change. I had to do a double take and make sure you are the same person that arrived on the board a few short months ago.
The internet is a resource and a great big search tool, to give you info to make choices, but you make the choices and sometimes there are no right choices. Just better choices, so measure you on you. I wish you could see what I see, a tremendous success.
I picked the DB philosophy 1. It matches 12 step philosophy 2. I like 180s 3. I like Sandi guidelines 4. I like the fact it is about doing what works and if it doesn't work change it, modify it 5. I believe in self determining, learning , growing 6. Tolerance and the wisdom of crowds
More than anything, I like the honesty, the respectful posts and the club rules.
I would tell you the Buddah on the road story, a weary traveller meets the Buddah and asks I am on my way to the next village, what are the villagers like. The Buddah said, "what were they like where you came from" and the traveller said 'sad, despondent and uncaring'. The Buddah said ' they will be like that where you are going'
Whether the villagers are great or no, going in believing in sadness, deonsency and lack of care won't help.
Joe you have received that which you have given on this board and with your family. Those children and young adults are your core, your family, part of your purpose.
Whatever happens with WW, there is great success and love in your life. The Joe I hear from and read about is not different from the Joe who first joined the board, he is one who has grown into his own skin.
The potential Joe as a man and father is now the actual Joe.
Thank you for sharing your journey with us, it has been a great privilidge to share your path in real time.
Besides the lfat lady hasn't sung yet. V
Last edited by Vanilla; 06/28/1510:14 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Had a good weekend! Got the AC in! Much better! D12 had some friends over. They had a good time. Took kids to the pool Sat. Got lots of stuff done around the house. It makes me feel good to be able to take care of my kids, cook, clean, do laundry and fix things around the house all by myself. And I still get in some fun activities!
D21 sent me a card and some shirts for Father's Day. Got here late, but was well worth it! She told me in the card how much she loved me and what a difference I have made in her life. She told me how much she appreciated me stepping up and raising her as my own daughter. Made me feel good!
As far as WW, not much has changed. Told her the other day that kids are not going out there till she signs papers and they are filed with the court. Of course that did not go over well. But it is how it has to be. Now she sends me a text to ask if she can call S7 before bed to tell him good night. I told her if she wants to talk to them just call. She has been talking to them every night since she left. Don't know why all of a sudden she has started asking me. I usually remind the kids before bed to call her.
I am looking forward to 4th of July this weekend! Spending time with my kids! Lots of activities! Also going to get in some golf! I am enjoying playing golf now!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
You sound much happier and stronger. I know you are sad about M not being salvaged at all. Sometimes some M are meant to end for they are not healthy nor nourish you as a person.
Loved hearing about your Father's Day gifts etc. You are a rock to them. Funny how DB causes one to reflect and change priorities. You seem to have them in the right order.
You sound much happier and stronger. I know you are sad about M not being salvaged at all. Sometimes some M are meant to end for they are not healthy nor nourish you as a person.
Loved hearing about your Father's Day gifts etc. You are a rock to them. Funny how DB causes one to reflect and change priorities. You seem to have them in the right order.
Enjoy the 4th Weekend!
Thank You Wonka! I received several texts today from WW that made me feel better about my decision. I believe that DB really does cause one to reflect. I came here at the beginning focused on getting my marriage back. I was afraid of being alone, afraid of never finding someone else, afraid that my WW already has someone new( still think she does, but don't care now!) and afraid of losing my family. I was also so focused on her and what she was doing and thinking. Now I am focused on ME and my kids! My stress level has dropped so much, it is amazing. I have a whole new positive look at things. I have patience and understanding. I have let go of most of the anger. I say most, because it resurfaces from time to time. I have community members supporting me and offering to help. My relationship with God is stronger too!
I texted WW this morning asking her to make the last 2 payments of a bill of hers that I had been paying on and also felt she should pay her half of the health insurance since I have the kids and I have not asked for child support. I than began to receive texts about how D12 is really upset at me for saying mean things about her mom and she was texting WW all night last night. I have not said one mean thing about her. As a matter a fact, I told D12 that her mom loves her very much and I always remind them to call her every night. But I was worried that I said something that upset D12. I asked her at lunch if I did something to upset her or if I said something. She said no and she was not texting her mom all night. She did text her and tried to talk to her because she was upset and wanted us to work things out. WW would not talk to her. I told her that I am always here for her no matter what. I will ALWAYS make time to talk to her. WW NEEDS TO GROW UP!!! It is sad she is hurting all her kids. The only one she really wants to deal with is S7 because he is too young to understand.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Joe, I was you didn't have to go through the sitch with your wife, but I look at where you were even 2 months ago and the control you've taken back with your life, yourself and your family. You really are an inspiration for people like me who still fear being alone and failing.
When I read your sitch it helps me realize, I only failure if I stop working on myself and I'm only alone if I stop trying to meet new people, gal and reconnect with all the friends and family I already have. One person (ww) does not define our purpose in life.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
Good Morning DB Friends!! Hope everyone is doing okay this morning. I am in need of opinions please. Here is the situation. STBXW( I think I can say this now) is arguing that I should meet her half way to get the kids out to CA. My attorney put in the parenting plan that she is responsible for the cost of getting the kids back and forth. She does not have to pay child support and only has to help with school clothes and school activities. Now these papers are not filed yet. They were mailed to her and she is supposed to sign the acknowledgement and the temporary agreement for this summer. It states when she is supposed to bring them back in August. L told me he suggests I don't let them out of the state until we receive the acknowledgement of the papers and the temporary agreement. The final parenting plan can be worked out later.
So my opinion is that she first must get the 2 items signed and back to L ASAP. Than I told her that I would possibly be willing to meet half way if she paid my gas. I explained that I am already paying 2 bills of hers and taking care of the kids. If she can't come all the way up here, than she should help with the cost. Now she is trying to make me feel guilty to get her way by saying the kids can't come out there because I won't meet her half way and she has to sign these 2 papers. I have a feeling that she needs to get back right away because of her night job. Also she told the kids she got them each a horse. Probably broke now too. Oh the joys of dealing with the STBX!!! LOL! The text she sent wasn't very nice either. Never said, can you meet me. It said "I want you to meet me half way".
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
I have gone through things like this my entire marriage. Always second guessing myself. Am I being a jerk? Am I being selfish? Am I not taking her into consideration? Than I would usually feel guilty and give in. It was much worse this past year. I think she felt I would give in on everything and she took advantage of that. I don't have to deal with it anymore! I can stand up for me and my rights now!
I still don't have her actual physical address! I told her the kids are not going out there till I get that plus the 2 signed forms.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
I think she felt I would give in on everything and she took advantage of that. I don't have to deal with it anymore! I can stand up for me and my rights now!
Hi Joe!
Sorry, it's been quite a while since I checked in on you.
I know what you mean. I feel the same way about my WAW. Look how strong you have become...good for you sir!
Hang tough and keep standing up for your rights.
Your friend,
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Thank You BOB and V! The one thing I really hope happens through all this is, I hope my kids look back on this and know that I was there for them and love them so much and that I am so sorry they have to go through this. And that I never abandoned them!!
D12 told me the other night that she is sad because her mom never talks to the older kids anymore. She is afraid when she gets older that her mom will stop talking to her. That was sad.
D12 is having sleeping problems now. Went to the doctor. I am scheduling a appointment with a family counselor for her. She is stressed about me and her mom. Doctor said if it gets worse she might have to be on anti depressants. I texted all this to STBX yesterday to keep her informed on doctor visits. Her response was "ok".
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Personally, I don't think it's the best for children to be handed over from one car to another like a package. I also don't think it's best for them to see their dad being a pushover.
Your STBEX sounds like she is quite lost. I'd have her come and pick them up, if I were you, so you can see what she is like. I absolutely agree with having her sign paperwork before she gets them. And I'd also check the laws of the state she is in, if they have a history of cooperating with other states in parental kidnapping cases.
I don't know if I think that not asking for child support is a good thing. Many mothers get off without paying because men have their pride as providers. However, it's not money for you - it's for your kids. Also, the woman who gets off easy may perpetuate an entitled attitude and not feel really responsible. She may spend her money on fun gifts and buying her kids' love (like horses!) while you have to take care of their daily needs. That could create long-term resentment in you, and it's hard to hide that - it tends to seep out (sounds familiar?).
I know I haven't posted in your thread before, but I have experience from a large number of stepfamilies and the problems that come from not following guidelines when splitting up.
Best of luck with everything! Sounds like you are personally in a good place.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Thank You BOB and V! The one thing I really hope happens through all this is, I hope my kids look back on this and know that I was there for them and love them so much and that I am so sorry they have to go through this. And that I never abandoned them!!
Joe,
You are most welcome. Your children will know this! ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Take care.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Hang in there Joe46. My W has never been the most attentive mother. After she started her A and became Wayward, her attention to the kids has dwindled. She has started to "try" and be with them more while she was still "trying" with me. But with the A at the forefront of her mind, there hasn't been time for anyone else.
My parents picked up the kids for the week on Wednesday. Tuesday night she was home for a couple hours before I got home, I was hoping to spend time with them. I got home and she was asleep on the couch while the kids watched TV. I hung out with them then put them to bed while she packed their travel bag.
W is so depressed over the end (for now) of the A. Still, we've stayed as up beat around the kids as we can and they don't know there is any issue.
It is a fear of mine though that she'll just kind of move on from them in the same way she seems to be trying to move on from me.
I still haven't given up yet though. Continuing to DB even with this horrible week.
Me: early 30s Her: same M: 5+yrs T:10+yrs D (2): under 10s OM PA - Began Apr/15 A Discovered/ILYBINILWY: Start of May Removed ring: End of June
Keep it up t33!! As hard as it is and as hard as it gets, just keep DBing. It will help you and these people here will also help you. I was the only one focusing on the kids when my STBX was still in the house. D12 told me the other day, she was tired of coming home and her mom just goes in her room and works. I think she is worried that when they are out there with her that it will be the same thing.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
I have gone through things like this my entire marriage. Always second guessing myself. Am I being a jerk? Am I being selfish? Am I not taking her into consideration? Than I would usually feel guilty and give in. It was much worse this past year. I think she felt I would give in on everything and she took advantage of that. I don't have to deal with it anymore! I can stand up for me and my rights now!
I still don't have her actual physical address! I told her the kids are not going out there till I get that plus the 2 signed forms.
Putting your kids first is anti jerk!
In my book it's jerk repellent.
Absolutely the right strategy Joe.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 07/03/1507:25 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Good morning everyone! I had a good weekend with the kids. Even though I have been doing good lately, I struggled some over the weekend. Seeing families together made me miss what we used to have. I hope one day I can have something like that again one day. I wonder sometimes who would want to be with a 42 year old single father that doesn't drink, is not rich and still has a good relationship with my step kids. Oh well, right now I am thankful for my children and for this day!
Last edited by Joe46; 07/05/1504:56 PM.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
"I wonder sometimes who would want to be with a 42 year old single father that doesn't drink, is not rich and still has a good relationship with my step kids."
Joe, I'm sure there are many lovely women out there who would want that!!
Glad you had a good weekend and are doing well. It's not surprising to struggle over the big holidays, but you made it though...
Take care x
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Oh man, it so hard to keep my cool when dealing with STBX!!! I really bit my tongue today. One comment from her about dealing with separation was she just wanted to keep it simple. I told her that this is not simple, it is the break up of a family. She said well it isn't a family when 2 people are miserable. I so wanted to say, if you were so miserable why don't you just leave all of us alone. She has these kids all upset. Now she is trying to buy their love. She never talks to them but for a few minutes at night. Or send D12 texts once in awhile. I wish she would just leave all of us alone.
Now she says she is bringing a friend with her to come get the kids to help drive and keep them occupied. I told her is she shows up here with some guy, they are not going. She says it isn't a guy, but if it was I could not keep them from her. I told her those kids don't need to go through that kind of crap!! So now my kids will not only feel weird seeing their mom for the first time since Memorial Day, but now they get to spend 2 days traveling with some stranger. She does not want to play these games with me. I have tried to deal with this in a civil manner the best I can.
I know V, I am trying to just "BREATH".
I had to vent!! I got a little worked up!!!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
It baffles me how someone goes from seeming happily married and in love with you to hating your guts so fast!!!! I try to talk civil, but as soon as I stand my ground about something, they hatred is just crazy. I can feel it through the text message!!! LOL!!!!!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
That's pyrrhic. Fight with all your might for those precious ones. I am sending every ounce of support I can across the miles.
I learned a new trick on the breathing recently.
I learned to add colour and scent.
So breathe with green air and pine for health.
Breathe through nose and mouth with blue air and eucalyptus or peppermint for calm and peace.
Breathe with pink air and the scent of roses for happiness.
I am sure you get the idea..........
It really works. But don't do brown!!! Unless you want an unpleasant surprise.
V
Lol! OK V. I will have to try the different scents! I need calm and peace right now. I hate when I get sucked into a argument. My fault for allowing it to get to me!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Is there something wrong with me that I fear that my kids might want to live with their mom because she is trying to buy them? I have had a moment of weakness today after being strong. I am disappointed in myself for allowing her to get to me. I am better than that. The truth is I don't care what she does. My kids are my everything. Unfortunately I have to share them with a shallow, self centered, immature cheater. I question sometimes why God can't allow me to be happy with someone. Why do I constantly have to deal with drama!!!!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
The kids will eventually see past the gifts. The are much more perceptive than you give them credit for. Keep being a good person and they will love and respect you for the right reasons.
Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs EA: Started 3/2015 MC Started: 4/2015 She moved out and served 6/2015 PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015 2 young kids
"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
It baffles me how someone goes from seeming happily married and in love with you to hating your guts so fast!!!! I try to talk civil, but as soon as I stand my ground about something, they hatred is just crazy. I can feel it through the text message!!! LOL!!!!
Hi Joe,
I know exactly what you mean. I was just checking in to see how things have been going for you lately. Sorry to hear you've had such rough times recently. Somehow, I know you are going to get through this!
As Toots wrote: "Joe, I'm sure there are many lovely women out there who would want that!!"
I feel the same way. In my case, I'll be 55 near the end of this month. You are a "young man" compared to me. LOL!
Hang in there and keep your chin up.
Your friend,
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Thanks whyus and Bob! I would not say things have been tough lately. Just a struggle today. Never easy dealing with stbx.
I think alot of us wonder about finding someone else one day. After all, we all came here to save our marriages because we thought we had found the person to be with the rest of our lives. Unfortunately something changed and that person is not the person we thought they were. To be honest, I am not worried about finding someone right now. I would have a hard time trusting at the moment. I know it will change with time. But I am not going to lie, I would not mind finding a woman that was wanting a friend with benefits!!! LOL!!! It has been awhile!!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
You are in no shape to date at this stage. You are still emotionally tied to STBX. Embrace your "aloneness" and get comfortable with that state of mind. When I felt lonely, I itched to reach out and date. I knew it was for the wrong reasons so I fought to stay off the slippery slope.
I am glad for the choices I've made. Once I arrived at a stage where I was "perfectly" fine with being alone, it was when I started to date again. I dated from a position of "yeah, let's explore" instead of "ugh, I am so lonely...I am so needy." See?
You will find a healthy woman in time. Trust the process.
You are in no shape to date at this stage. You are still emotionally tied to STBX. Embrace your "aloneness" and get comfortable with that state of mind. When I felt lonely, I itched to reach out and date. I knew it was for the wrong reasons so I fought to stay off the slippery slope.
I am glad for the choices I've made. Once I arrived at a stage where I was "perfectly" fine with being alone, it was when I started to date again. I dated from a position of "yeah, let's explore" instead of "ugh, I am so lonely...I am so needy." See?
You will find a healthy woman in time. Trust the process.
So true! I am a living proof of this.
I am in total agreement with you Wonka! I don't want to date because my kids are my focus right now. It is hard enough for them dealing with the separation. Than you throw some stranger in the mix!! Not good for them. I want them to know that it is just me and them at our house and that they are my number 1 priority. Stbx already said she was bringing a friend with her to pick up the kids. I told her if she shows up with some guy, they are not going with her. They don't need that kind of stuff to deal with. She claims it is not a guy. I could care less. The kids have not seen her since Memorial Day. They don't need to travel 1-1/2 days with a stranger. D12 would freak out if some other guy was with her. Stbx is a dang looney!!!
Today, I am working on detaching again. I let STBX get inside my head too much yesterday! I am disappointed in myself for allowing that. I am also allowing my fears to take over. Today I am focused on getting back on track!!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
I was too busy posting on others threads this morning, I forgot to post on mine. Today has started off good. Been real busy which will help my end of the year bonus. I am waiting to hear from STBX about when she is picking up the kids. I am not going to lie, part of me hopes she just cancels taking them this year. But I think they want to see her and the grandparents. Can't help the fact that I can be a tad selfish with my kids. It will be a tough 4 weeks for me without them. I think I will live at the golf course till they come back!! LOL!! Anything to make the time go faster.
Oh by the way Lady V, still can't get that image out of my head!!! LOL!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
WOW!!! I was just reading through some of my first posts. Man I have come a long ways since I started here. It was very interesting reading.
Amen Brother! You most certainly have.
Keep moving forward, my friend. You have this!
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Yeah buddy!! Cooked dinner for kids, did the dishes, watered the lawn, swept the floors, folded all the laundry, vacuumed, vacuumed my truck, armor alled the inside and put the kids to bed!!!!! Now I am off to a watch a little TV!!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Yeah buddy!! Cooked dinner for kids, did the dishes, watered the lawn, swept the floors, folded all the laundry, vacuumed, vacuumed my truck, armor alled the inside and put the kids to bed!!!!! Now I am off to a watch a little TV!!
Wow! If you run out of anything to do, you can come to my house.
Hey Joe, been keeping up with your thread. You are a good man and deserve the best.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Good Morning V and Sandi!! And everyone else! Sandi, I would actually kinda like coming by. I think of the conversations we could have after talking on here! It would so save my fingers!! No typing!! I would love to have a visit with you too V, but I don't like to fly and I am definitely NOT flying over the ocean!!
Took D12 to counselor this morning. She was nervous and asked me to stay with her for the first time. At first she did not want to go. I kinda made her. I think in this situation, it is best for her. I don't want her bottling up her emotions. I think it went well. D12 agreed to meet her again on Saturday.
Had a pretty good weekend. Kinda quiet other than arguing with STBX about her coming all the way and picking up the kids. And she still seems to think that I hired a lawyer to be a mediator!! NOT!! How hard is it to understand? If you don't like something in the parenting plan or court papers, hire a lawyer! But now I will NOT be manipulated or made to feel guilty so she can get her way!!
Thank you for your comment Sandi. Made me smile. Someday!! Right now my kids deserve the best!! My time will come!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Cooking, laundry, AND a clean vehicle? My heart went pitter patter. I have tons of cleaning to be done after you swing by Sandi's. I'll bring my A-game humor:)
Sandi is correct. You sound like a good guy and a great dad. Keep up the good work!
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Cooking, laundry, AND a clean vehicle? My heart went pitter patter. I have tons of cleaning to be done after you swing by Sandi's. I'll bring my A-game humor:)
Sandi is correct. You sound like a good guy and a great dad. Keep up the good work!
But do you have that sweet Georgia accent??? Your A- game humor and a sweet Georgia accent, I am on my way!!!
Oh man what conversations WE could have!!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
You are such a good man. Thank you so much for your post in my thread earlier today. It made me feel better!
Catch up with you later. On to see my IC soon.
I wish you well.
Your friend,
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Well the kids leave Monday for 4 weeks with their mom. This will be the first time without my kids around in a REALLY long time. I have had several talks with D12 this week as she is stressing some over her trip. I did my best to be supportive. She has cried alot. She wants us to be going as a family and is also worried about her dad being alone while they are gone. I told her that I will be fine. I will miss them terribly, but I told her I have alot to get done around the house. I do have plenty of GAL stuff planned while they are gone.
I am proud of myself for how I have dealt with the past couple days. I have dealt with alot of problems with the kids. I have not bad mouthed their mother. STBX sent me some texts yesterday accusing me of lying to D about divorce papers. I have told everyone all along that I filed "legal separation" papers. STBX told D I was lying to her and I filed divorce papers against her. She obviously never read the papers. I told D that I will not lie to her. I offered to show D papers if she wanted. I think she knew I was telling her the truth. I also told her why I filed the legal separation papers and what they meant. It is up to her mom if she wants to work on things. But I have some non negotiable terms if she does. And I would really have to think about things.
STBX text messages to me yesterday just made me more comfortable in my decisions. I was getting blamed for everything yesterday. But I handled it well. I validated and than ignored the SPEW!!
STBX has talked more to the kids this week than ever. She is also buying them things. I know she is going to try to buy them stuff to try to convince them to live out there. Guess it is easy to stock pile money when you steal some from your oldest D and ignore bills when you run from your problems. And when you hang out in your apartment conducting phone sex for money! Now she can put on this great image of the wonderful mother she is. Truth is she abandoned her kids. She has not had to deal with the emotional problems that all these kids have had to deal with.
Had a good night golfing last night with the guys! I am going to do some fun things with the kids this weekend before they leave Monday. S7 has been acting different also lately. He never wants me to leave. When I go to work, he gets sad and I get lots of hugs. I check on them often during the day and I get lots of hugs. At night time I get lots of hugs. I always ask him, "are you daddy's boy?" He always says yes. The other night he told me yes, forever and ever!! Made me happy!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Good for you! Hugs from little peeps are awesome aren't they? I must have missed something as I didn't know about your STBX conducting the sexay times on the phone. I just sort of wonder about some of these antics.....
I know these weeks will be a challenge, however, use the time to have some fun and rejuvenate. I'll be in the car today with 3 kids, the x inlaws, and a hamster blasting NKOTB and Backstreet Boys. D10 considers this "classic" rock. Ha!!
Hang in there. You are doing fab! Oh, and btw..maybe only a slight southern accent for moi. I have a very southern real name and I was a voice over artist for years. I do chuckle though because I have clients who call to say they just like to hear my voice. I'll take any compliment:)Makes my day!
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 07/17/1503:29 PM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Belle! I LOVE HUGS FROM MY KIDS!! D12 was not a big hugger until her mom started alienating herself. Now I get hugs all the time! S7 is gives lots of hugs.
Yes STBX started that phone sex job over a year ago. There were many fights over it. I did not like it. Our last talk we had, I restated my boundary. I do not want to be in a marriage with a wife that does phone sex for money and do not want to share my W with other men. She took that as I don't want anything to do with her! LOL! Funny how they turn things around!
So, car trip with 3 kids sounds fun! X in laws, a tad uncomfortable, but is nice they are going with you! Hamster? LOL! Backstreet boys!! Come on BELLE!! That is funny your D considers that classic rock! Classic POP sounds better! Although I would argue about the classic part!!
I actually think this time to myself will be good also. 4 weeks, I could do a heck of a road trip!! Stop Sandi's for some good converstaion and I guess some house cleaning? Stop by your place for some A game humor and housework and cleaning your car too I guess! Somehow figure out how to visit V for some TEA!! Oh that was good!! And stop back by Belle's for some more A game humor and take in the "shizzle" vibes!! Oh what a trip that would be!!
Slight southern accent!! Sounds just PEACHY!! Get it "Georgia Peach"!! LOL! I like slight southern! I am a huge sucker for a nice voice on the phone! There are a couple women, that work at some of the wholesalers that we order from, that I call in orders to. Those nice women voices make you forget why you called as soon as they answer!!
Have a fun trip! Make sure the hamster doesn't cook in the car!!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
I am sure we could go to Lapland and have Santa type tea, would love to meet the kids.
Georgia something you would consider?
Next year I am planning to do the Essential experience I can't afford it this year but it sounds amazing. And strongly recommended by a couple of the Vets. That's vaguely in the USA.
Joe, I really like the sound of all of those hugs with the kids. Absolutely 100% connection.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 07/17/1511:25 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I am sure we could go to Lapland and have Santa type tea, would love to meet the kids.
Georgia something you would consider?
Next year I am planning to do the Essential experience I can't afford it this year but it sounds amazing. And strongly recommended by a couple of the Vets. That's vaguely in the USA.
Joe, I really like the sound of all of those hugs with the kids. Absolutely 100% connection.
V
I was thinking about the boat trip thing also! BUT I just got done watching Shark Week a couple weeks ago!! Kinda like when the movie JAWS came out, everyone was scared to go in the water!! Heck I think I was scared to take a bath!! Thought some shark was going to come up the drain hole!! LOL!!
OK, now I am curious, Santa type tea? Lapland sounds like a stripper bar!! Is this the WILD side of V?? Why would you take me to a stripper bar V? Oh wait, maybe because I am single now?? LOL!!! If Lapland is not a stripper bar, it should be!! What an awesome name!!
Well here is an update on me, kids left yesterday. It was very hard. D12 cried alot. S7 doesn't understand what is going on. He was very upset. Gave me lots of hugs. I am counting down the days till they come back. Dog was looking for the kids last night. She usually takes turns sleeping with them. So I am "bachin" it for a while!! Got lots of things to get done around the house. I will play alot of golf! Probably do some fishing!!
Is it weird that I felt no emotions when I saw STBXW?? I was more hurt for my kids. I did not feel uncomfortable, angry, hurt, sad or anything. I was polite and helpful loading the kids stuff. I hurt for my children, but that was all. COULD THIS MEAN THAT I AM DETACHED??
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
I am going to vent on here! I am getting frustrated that D12 doesn't hardly talk to me since she left. When she was home, I would get texts all day. Now I don't get any and when I do get a reply, it is just a one word reply. She hardly talks to me on the phone at night when I call either. I know she texts her mom all the time when she was home. It kinda hurts my feelings. I thought they would miss me a little more. D21 sends me texts all the time checking on me. She knows I am missing the kids.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
I am done whining now! It is probably more that she is 12 and really only talks to her friends on the phone. But I still miss them.
I don't post very often on here because I don't feel that I have much to add to other peoples threads. I don't have alot of advice to give and my marriage is heading for divorce. I also think that I have a different sense of humor! Maybe a tad on the bad side some times, but I am that way. I have a raunchy sense of humor! I spend more time reading peoples threads than posting to them. I really don't know sometimes what I would have to offer them since I did not save my marriage. I also can have a "don't take any crap" kinda attitude sometimes and that may not be the best approach to certain situations.
But I am okay with it and I feel like I am a success story because I have changed. I have got my self confidence back with an added bonus. I can now look at myself and work on fixing myself also. I have now think that it is okay to make mistakes and that I am not perfect and I can learn from things. I can also change. I am able to look at things differently now. I owe it all to God and the people on this forum. And alot of self help books!!
So I just wanted to say thank you to all who have helped me along the way. Zues, Rip, Cadet, Bob, Sandi, Toots, GeorgiaBelle, and especially V!! And anyone else that has commented on my threads!!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Lapland is where Santa lives, maybe it's because of Mrs Santa! Makes me giggle to think of pole bars Santas tummy and Mrs S. The imagination runs wild on this.
D12, not only is she 12 but she may not have phone access and freedom. It will unfold in due course.
Yes indeed you are a success story, because of YOU! All credit to you Joe, your sobriety and growth are down to your hard work over many years not just since you came here. Those years of twelve steps are a really big achievement of themselves. Because of this and not in spite of it your posts lead by example, please accept that. My M is done too, really truly done, over and completely done, because of my sitch and not in spite of it there is much to contribute. Others can reject if they choose, humour is of great value too. So I encourage you to post, there is much to learn by doing it.
Thank you for the shout out, it means a great deal to me, it has been a very great privilidge to be a part of your journey.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 07/25/1512:44 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Lapland is where Santa lives, maybe it's because of Mrs Santa! Makes me giggle to think of pole bars Santas tummy and Mrs S. The imagination runs wild on this.
Okay I see! But I still think Lapland is a great name for a stripper bar!!!!
Quote:
D12, not only is she 12 but she may not have phone access and freedom. It will unfold in due course.
I put her on my cell phone plan so I could be sure I would always have a way to communicate with her. I was not taking any chances at being blocked by immature STBXW! But for all I know her mom could have fussed at her for texting so much while being there. D12 and her mom fought quite a bit for several months before STBXW moved out. I think D12 was getting tired of being treated poorly by her mom. Kinda sad.
Thank you V for your kind words. I think my humor has changed so much lately. I feel so at peace. I still have lots of hurdles to get over but I feel confident in crossing them. My finances will take some time to repair but I will get there. My credit is really going to take a hit, but I will get it back up there also.
I miss my kids, but I am comfortable on my own right now. I think that is important. I think being comfortable with yourself and not NEEDING someone in your life makes you a better partner for the right person. I am all about my kids and myself right now.
Lapland!! Now I am thinking of a new business venture!! I can be the owner of Lapland!! LOL! Probably not a good idea when you have kids!! 20 years ago maybe!!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Okay everybody!!! I have a confession to make!! I have found one thing that I do like about being separated!! I was out golfing yesterday afternoon and I could check out the hot women all I wanted!! LOL!!!!!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
V-I, too, wondered about Santa tea. Will Rudolph be joining us?
Joe- Raunchy humor is a bonus. Regarding checking out the hot chicks, in the words of the Spice Girls, "Zigga, zig zah!"
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 07/27/1503:49 PM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Rwarrrr! Bring on the ladies....I love looking at runner's legs. Nice, shapely and rippling muscles.
Ah...such freedom to check out other people from afar.
Since I have discovered golf again, I get to enjoy nice, tan, shapely legs and short skirts!! Yeah!! Buddy!! LOL! I am a sucker for women's legs!!! LPGA has some REALLY HOT women also!!!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Please update us on the kids especially D, did you get to talk?
How is the house, the step kids.
I am assuming some great GAL going on. Did the pot stop?
I am agog for news.
V
V, here is the update with kids. SS24 stayed with me a few days and than checked himself into a hospital for depression. They got him in touch with a counselor and put him on anti depressants. He than moved back in with his gf and began drinking again. She had enough and kicked him out. He is now going out to his grandparents for awhile.
SD21 is still angry with her mom about leaving and also not giving her car back or the money from her selling it. She is having a tough time now because her dog has cancer and has to be put down. I feel terrible for her, she does not handle things well and won't eat right or get sleep.
SS19 is working and I don't see him much. He only pops in for a day or two and then leaves back to work.
D12 and S7 are still out with mom. They finally saw their grandparents yesterday. They seem to be doing okay. I talk to them every night and text some. I do miss them terribly, but I am taking advantage of the break to do some things for me. I helped a friend the other day build some steps and I have played alot of golf. My dogs are not happy the kids are gone. The dog that takes turns sleeping with the kids is freaking out all the time. Whines like crazy when I get home.
Other than that, I am just keeping busy, working on the house, playing golf and checking out the hot ladies at the golf course!!!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Damn, rough situations for the kids, hope it gets better for them.
Its good the golf is helping. My IC actually suggested I just go out and people watch. Apparently if the people just happen to be attractive its a good mental boost to help with depression. Who am I to argue with a professional, lol. Taking the kids swimming at the lake has that role filled unintentionally
Few days ago S2 just swam up to a big group of about 15 vollyball players and tried to talk to them. Made me chuckle some, I feel like hes going to give me some grief in his teenage years, just like D4 will.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Well I can't sleep so I thought I would post. We will see how this goes from my phone. I kinda figured a long time ago that she was having a EA. I figured when she moved that there was someone else. I was just hoping that the kids would not be thrown right into that. What a sicko!! She leaves the guy at a hotel in another town while she comes and picks up the kids. Than picks him up on their way back. Now D12 is going through her nightmare. No wonder she has hardly talked to me since they left.
I feel so bad for the kids. S7 doesn't really know what is going on. D21 is devastated.
He can have her as far as I am concerned. Good luck! I don't care to be involved with a lyer, cheater and verbal prostitute. Now that D12 knows the truth about her mom, I will be switching my legal separation to divorce!!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
A random guy from a hotel in your D12 life you haven't vetted? Time for action, it's important can the kids stay with grandparents until you access them?
Get some L, urgently, I sense this is very important.
I am here listening.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I have to call L this afternoon. He is out right now. I am making arrangements to get them back ASAP!! S7 says he wants to stay till he is supposed to come back on the 14th. At least that is what STBXW says. But we all know about her lies. I will ask him myself. I also need to check with L since he filed a temporary agreement with the court.
This is not some random guy. This is the guy I suspected she was talking to since October. Found his number on her work phone and I got the tail tale of why it was on there!! I just never had proof. But this is why I DBed like I did. Like I said, now the legal separation papers get turned into divorce papers. I do not want any part of her lying, cheating ways. I do not want to reconcile ever.
Kids grandparents ( her parents) don't want to get involved. Plus she has told them lies about me of course. They are shady anyway! And now supposedly, I borrowed money from them and signed a letter that I would pay them back. This is news to me!!! So I will be calling her parents to get a copy of this "letter".
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
OK, so you know who this guy is? Is he friend of the family and his background. I guess your kids will give you the nod? If things go down who is the bail out?
Joe, I think this is my very first 2x2 ever, and you know I want to be the internet aunt even if I get there by boat.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 07/30/1511:18 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
All I know about the guy is his name. No he is not a family friend that I know of. I did a search back when I discovered the number and followed my suspicions. I believe she met him on the internet and they have been talking ever since fall of last year. Maybe sooner. He is 34 and that is all I know. Teagan told me he has a daughter same age as S7.
To me the whole thing is sick. But unfortunately she still has the right to see her kids. This was going to happen sooner or later. I can't make the kids come home early. D12 said she wants to stay awhile longer now. I don't know what to think.
I am hurt they are there with this going on. I tried to handle this the right way and my 2 children end up staying with their mom and her new boyfriend who she has been in a affair with since fall last year. Goes to show that no matter how hard you try to be good and do the right thing, doesn't really matter. The people that do whatever they want and hurt whoever they want, still get their way. And just keep on going.
I am hurt my kids are replacing me so easily. I thought I was a good Dad. I am hurt that I was replaced just like that!!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
I did not mean what I said. I was just having a bad night. I know they are not replacing me. I know they are stuck in a bad situation. I can never be replaced as their father. I am a good Dad and love my kids very much. My poor D12 probably doesn't know what to do. She doesn't want to upset her mom, but also doesn't want to be around a guy her mom is screwing around with. I can sense it in my S7 also.
It is sad that D12 told her mom that she wanted to spend the rest of her time with her without OM. Of course mom did not listen. It is hard for me to let go of the situation. There is such a big part of me that wants to go snatch my kids away from her. But unfortunately she still has a right to see her kids.
At least my kids are seeing me doing the right thing. They are seeing Dad has morals, is honest and puts their feelings first.
I think going through this, we all have fears. I was afraid of losing my wife and marriage when I first came here. Now since I am getting a D, there are the fears of what goes on with kids when they are with their mom. I have seen first hand what STBXW does in these situations. She lies to kids, OM and her family and friends. She told me when we met that she was divorced. Wasn't till a few years ago that I found out she didn't file divorce papers till after we had been together almost a year. Than it took awhile for those to even go through. Her kids did not know either. They were young. Also found out recently that my step kids dad was trying to see his kids more, but got shut down by her. Very manipulative! Lies come easy to her. The truth always comes out eventually. Might just take 15 years!!!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
I believe what I am going through is what DBing is all about. The only thing I have control over is me. I have to be patient and be the best dad I can be. I am showing my kids what I stand for. Honesty, loyalty, faithfulness and caring. Doing good unto others. I believe God has a plan for me. I trust him. And I believe in karma. I believe what comes around goes around.
I believe there is someone out there for me that is not a lier and cheater. Someone that won't run when the going gets tough. But right now it's all about me, my kids, my dogs, my daughter's gunea pig, my golf game, my job, my friends, fishing, football is coming, college football is coming, school sports, college basketball, March madness and then back to the nice weather again!!
Wew! I have got alot going on! And I still have to clean Sandi house, clean Belle's house AND car, go see V, drink some tea in a stripper bar called Lapland with Santa and some hot female Elves, go back to Belle's clean some more, play a dance game with Belle, allow Belle to get me drunk(good luck) and take advantage of me! And than come home. Man what a trip!!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
You can get drunk and high on life instead. When we have control of our minds then who needs substances. So it sounds like a great adventure to me.
When you are already in China you don't need a plane, so it is with heaven, hell limbo or purgatory they are in our mind to travel to. The journeys can be done through your mind. There is a place in our dreams we can all meet up that we can go to sit and talk, meditate our way to it.
Have you seen the film Lovely Bones? It's slightly surreal and the place of rest is where I imagine we can meet in a big field under an oak tree. I love that film and it's set.
I shall be relieved when your D and S are home with you.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 08/01/1506:13 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Glad to hear someone's cleaning my house. . I know I have said this before and I'm going to say it again. I am impressed in your transformation from the Joe who first arrived here. It has been a painful road. You have grown b/c you saw you deserved better and stood up for yourself and your children. Your experience can be helpful to others who have a WW.
Take legal action to get those kids out of that mess.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Glad to hear someone's cleaning my house. . I know I have said this before and I'm going to say it again. I am impressed in your transformation from the Joe who first arrived here. It has been a painful road. You have grown b/c you saw you deserved better and stood up for yourself and your children. Your experience can be helpful to others who have a WW.
Take legal action to get those kids out of that mess.
Thank you Sandi! You have been a great help to me and my journey. Your threads are a lifesaver. The posts you made to me in the beginning really helped me to change the way I approached my situation.
I do feel like I deserve better. I deserve to be in a healthy relationship. I have admitted my wrongs and I am still changing them. But like I said all along I take my vows seriously. But I will not share my wife. There is only so much lying a person can take. And then when you add the affair, it's a whole different ball game. I was asked that question on this forum. " Is cheating a deal breaker for me " Absolutely. I applaud the people that try to work through the affairs. But I am not one of those people. Keeping the road paved smooth works both ways. If she would have just left with no lies or adultery I would have been willing to work on the marriage if she wanted to one day.
I am careful with what I post to other LBS. To be honest, I have become a little hardcore with some of this. I would not put up with some of the things others are putting up with on here. I don't want to say the wrong thing to someone. If I had to do it over again, I would have kicked my W out when she started doing the phone sex job. I would have given the ultimatum the job or me. I am able to say that now. I was not strong enough back then. I don't like that at all. I used to be that guy who was strong enough.
Adultery is biblical grounds for divorce. I think affairs are to easy now a days with internet, dating sites and cell phones. My personal opinion, now that I have become the man I want to be, is zero tolerance! I think the more these types of spouses keep getting away with little things, the more they will push the envelope. There are plenty of good, loyal people out in the world. I deserve someone like that and so does the people here.
Right now I am all about my kids. That special someone will show up when the time is right. And STBXW will wake up one day and say what did I do?? Lost the best thing that happened to me!! I have received a call from every serious relationship I have been in. Sometimes months, sometimes years. But they say the same thing. That they messed up and that I was good to them. Oh well, too late! Had your chance!!
And that is all I have to say about that!!! ( for right now) I am off to the golf course!! Wonka, I will check out some sexy legs for you!! And me of course!!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
I see you with a little Starsky style. You are you and frankly it doesn't hurt some posters to have a little ' tell it as it is". I often think my style is too soft, maybe you can compensate for V!
If this is authentic to you, be you and post your thoughts with honest compassion. I often don't post where I know a harder line is needed. You have much to offer to others as your journey has been uphill sometimes.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thank you for posting on my thread. It meant a lot to me!
I believe you started this second thread stating that you hope it will be the start of building your future for your children and yourself. Like Sandi, I have noticed big changes from the Joe who first joined DB. You seem to be on the right path.
Keep your chin up and stick with your plan. I have faith in you that you can do this. Remember what I almost always write...keep a PMA and GAL.
Your friend,
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
You're welcome, Joe! You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Hi Bob, you are such a busy man with all your GALing and send joy and love here in DBland. Thank you for taking time to stop by thread and wish me well and offer me a prayer. You do so much good here, you are a blessing x 1000.
It was very hard. D12 cried alot. S7 doesn't understand what is going on. He was very upset. Gave me lots of hugs. I am counting down the days till they come back. Dog was looking for the kids last night. She usually takes turns sleeping with them. So I am "bachin" it for a while!! Got lots of things to get done around the house. I will play alot of golf! Probably do some fishing!! 