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ralphy Offline OP
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NDY,

Thanks. Already talked to my L today. She is fine with me going. D2 is coming with me for the next few days. Worked out agreement with W in writing. W is also sending me an email that I'm not abandoning them, and that this is best for D2, and there has been no physical or mental abuse.

L is fine with all this. She's not thrilled, but she's fine with it.


Me: 39y/o male
Wife: 35y/o
1 daughter, 2y/o
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NDY Offline
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Ok, you need a vet. And now. Vets, calling all vets. Ralf, no. This is wrong. You're caving. I made the same mistakes. People on here hit me with more than a few 4 x2's. And the one that still resonattes with is , why are you facilitating your D when that's not what you want?

Last edited by NDY; 06/14/15 10:59 PM.

Me:43 Her:42
M:14
S:9
EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts)
PA started 2014/05/30
BD:2014/11/05
I left 2015/10/01
I returned 2015/05/02
She left 2015/06/10
OM still on the go.
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Hello Ralphy,

Turning on the bat light for any Vets who have time to assist our friend.

I know you're trying very hard, but I have to agree with NDY. Please wait until you hear from one of the Vets.

I'll dedicate a prayer to you in a few moments.

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Joined: May 2015
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ralphy Offline OP
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Well, I'm back home with my parents - at 38 years old. Wonderful. smile

Anyway, here is where I need some guidance. My W is saying that the separation is so that we can take time apart and start "dating each other" again. (Of course, she is also dating someone else in the meantime).

I understand detaching. But what if detachment is one of the things that she points out as being a problem going into this. She told me yesterday, she wants me to call her, she wants me to initiate contact, she wants me to show some affection. I feel if I detach from her, stop calling, stop responding, etc. that this will only further confirm her assumptions about me.

Now, granted, none of the things she's asking for will happen as long as OM is in the picture, but let's assume for a moment that she drops him and wants to proceed with "us". Is it better to give her what she wants, but do it in a confident, exciting, mysterious way, or is it better to follow the DB rules and completely detach while we are separated?

I really confused by my W right now. She wants to be separated, wants to keep OM, but wants me to pursue her at the same time. Obviously that will not happen.


Me: 39y/o male
Wife: 35y/o
1 daughter, 2y/o
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,458
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NDY Offline
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HI mate

You need a vet asap.


Me:43 Her:42
M:14
S:9
EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts)
PA started 2014/05/30
BD:2014/11/05
I left 2015/10/01
I returned 2015/05/02
She left 2015/06/10
OM still on the go.
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 234
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ralphy Offline OP
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I agree. Wish I had the money right now to call a DB Coach. I do have IC appointment in an hour, and I'm going to run this scenario by him as well. I'm pretty distraught right now. I know it will pass. This seems so weird to me though.

As I sat awake last night, I realized that I'm not sure that I love her anymore. Am I willing to go through this knowing that she really doesn't think she needs to change much at all? She says she knows there are things she needs to work on, but I'm not quite sure that she comprehends the extent of the help that she needs. I don't think she's seeing the right counselor, and I don't think she's addressing her control issues. But that's not for me to point out to her.

I want to make one last ditch effort at trying to work through this because I think we owe it to our Daughter to at least try. And deep down, when she's healthy and thinking clearly, she really is a great person.


Me: 39y/o male
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Originally Posted By: ralphy
I really confused by my W right now.
She wants to be separated, wants to keep OM, but wants me to pursue her at the same time.
Obviously that will not happen.

CAKE EATING.

What would you do if you were not married and someone you were dating had other boyfriends?

This is the same situation.


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ralphy Offline OP
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This stinks. Never been so alone and scared. Separated for a few days now. Trying to pick myself up and find the strength for PMA.


Me: 39y/o male
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1 daughter, 2y/o
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Keep your chin up Ralphy, it's a one day at a time proposition around here. Sometimes it's a one minute at a time proposition.

Do you have anyone you can call to hang out with? A buddy? Someone just to go for a walk with or go shoot some pool with? You're not going to be able to instantly forget about your situation but if you can get momentary glimpses of happiness it helps.

The "never been so scared or alone" line means you need to work on being cool with being alone. At one point in your life you probably were. Get back to being ok being alone, even if it is scary at first. It won't be forever. This is where GAL'ing comes in in a big way. Right now it's just the contrast of what your life used to be like with what it's like now that makes it seem so awful. Lots of people love being alone - just not LBS's.

We're right here with you man, everyday is a battle for mental supremacy. Zues always talks about getting after your own self improvement when you're separated, I'd give it a go as if you were a man possessed. Use this time, use the pain as fuel to better yourself. It's going to be hell either way, you might as well get as much out of it as you can.

Keep posting too. We're here for you.

Last edited by PigPen; 06/17/15 11:51 PM.

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Originally Posted By: ralphy
This stinks. Never been so alone and scared. Separated for a few days now. Trying to pick myself up and find the strength for PMA.

Hello Ralphy,

I totally understand - you are not alone and what you are feeling is so normal.

Whether you are a beleiver or not, I think this verse from the bible really fits your sitch right now. I hope you find some comfort in it:

“I cry to you, O LORD; I say, ‘You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living.’ Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need; rescue me” (Psalm 142:5-6).

Try not to panic. That would be one of the worst things to do now, buddy.

Your friend,

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
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