Hi, I apologise for the long essay but I'm quite lost and don't know what to do. I'm looking for some advice and support.
My H and I are both from different nationality. We have been together for 11 years and married 8. We have been separated since Jan but for me the separation was when he physically left the house. We have 2 kids D7 and D5. 5 years ago we had a lot on our plate: our 1st daughter was 19 moths, our 2nd was 6 weeks and at the time I was dealing with my dad having leukaemia (he was urgently rushed to hospital in September and the doctor said if we had waited one more week he'd been dead and they would try their best to help him). One night we got a phone call, there had been a accident. That night we list my MIL as she had been crushed by her own car in front of her own house. At that time I did my best to help my H (looking after the kids, abounding the little one to wake up too often at night so my H could sleep). On top of this he had to change job as he was self employed and wasn't getting any. We buried my mother in law two weeks before Christmas to my home country thinking that would help my husband to be away for a week, for me to see my dad and the rest of my family. The following next 4 years, I didn't spend Christmas with my family as my H blamed me that we should have stayed when his mum passed away. I did ask him if he wanted us to stay but he said no as he understood that I wanted to see my dad if it was to be his last Christmas. Fast forward few years, I'm now blamed for taking my family away that Christmas when we should have been with his family. Now looking back we should have stayed, but I thought that by going away it'd give us a different environment (my dad was out of hospital) just for a week to change our mind.
I would usually see my family every 3 months and I would always spend my holidays with them as we are very family orientated. 3 years ago we bought a new house (my H was very excited about it, but started to work everyday including weekends!). In the meantime he was telling me that he was low and that he contemplated suicide, to such I reply that he needed help as I didn't know how to deal with it and kept pushing it to be referred. I made the doctor's appointment for him, pushed him to fill the form, dropped it for him, told him that there was a message for him and when we received the letter asking to ring for an appointment I kept telling him he needed to call them. Now he's blowing un my face that I should have made the appointment for him, took a day off and go with him! I went through the same procedure and the questions are personal. Now he is seeing a counsellor after his sister made the appointment for him. He also started to blame me that we never go away as a family on holidays (we did a couple of times), that when we see my family he can't speak the language and blames me for not teaching my mother tongue. Then he said that I should take our kids to see there grand parents and cousins for 3/4 weeks in the summer ( when he told me that he couldn't anyway take some time off).
Fast forward 2 years ago and we hit a really rough patch, H told me that one day I'll regret what I have done. He was going out a lot and I knew he didn't recover from his mum death and let him have some time for himself (this when he started his affair with a work colleague). As he had shut down from me and was hardly home as he was working, I felt that he didn't love his family anymore. This January got a message from a friend saying that there were rumours of his being unfaithful for a long time. I questioned him and he obviously denied it, we decided that night that we needed some time apart. So we separated and he moved into the spare bedroom. On Valentines day got a text with the name of the OW, I confronted him and he told me that he was having an affair for 2 years! I cried and was socked as he hadn't changed his behaviour that much ( he was still home at the same time). Told me that she was a distraction, that he tried to end it but she blackmailed him to tell me and I guess you have guess the pretty lime excuses I got. I decided to give him another chance and 4 weeks later I found our he was back with her and kicked him out! Since then I have found some interesting news: all his family member new about his affair, all his friends knew about it and some of mine too! He even to her to his work Christmas do! I also found out that his dad cheated several times and his 3 siblings all have cheated on their spouses! I cried, begged and did everything to show him that what he did was wrong. He even told me that I was making changes but his shrink told asked him if I'd be able to sustain my effort and that he shouldn't come back to me??? ??. Until a couple of weeks ago I managed to stay amicable but lost it by telling him that I was in limbo and I wanted to know where I stood. Got the reply it's over! Until yesterday he was wearing his wedding ring and when I asked him why he took it off he said he had to do it for work???? I forgot to mention that he has moved in with a single male friend and now only goes out with single men! I can't afford to keep the house on my own, so it's up for sale. Regarding my life, the only change is that I'm on my own in the evening and for my girls they hardly asked where their dad is. My questions are is it really over now that he has taken his ring off ( I don't know if he is back with the OW or could it be his single male friends telling him why he is still wearing his ring if he has decided it was over!). I asked him a while ago if wanted a divorce and he said no but when I lost it a couple of weeks ago if not more I challenged him to proceed with it as for him it was over. Until a few week ago he wound kiss me when he would come round to see the girls, but have decided to stop it as I felt it was fake for both of us. Is my marriage really over now that he doesn't wear his ring? I don't wear mine as at the moment I feel there is no trust. Am I doing the right thing to have him back? Am I sending the wrong message ? Am I right to want him back as I feel like the laughing stock (everyone knew but was the last one to find out!). Wouldn't the kids and I be better without him?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hi pim. Recognise me from the other forum? I really hope you get the advice you so desperately need here. Good luck and keep posting. It's also a good idea to post on other threads. Then people will chime in on yours.
Peace.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Am I crazy to want to save my marriage? Everyone around me seems to think that I should file for divorce but I don't want to. Everyday I keep waking up thinking about it all. I have started to read DR and I'm hoping I'll see the light at the end if the tunnel.
Me:39 H:37 D7,D8 Rumours 11/01/2015 Separation 12/01/2015(separate room) PA 2013-2015 Left house 20/03/2015
No, you are not crazy in wanting to save your M. Other people who have never gone through what you are going through do not really know what they would do until they find themselves in the same position. Your M is not a piece if fruit that has gone bad and can just easily be tossed away. I think without trying everything you would end up having regrets. This way you can have piece of mind that you tried everything. Stay strong!
BW
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Agree with BW. I always assumed I'd toss my W out on her ass if she ever had an A. But I realize now how much she means to me and my family. So here I am, fighting other people are going to tell you what they want to make you feel better. You do what you think is the best for YOU.
I'll read through your S later and give other thoughts.
I'm a bit confused with the word terminology, isn't detachment the same as moving on which is to my mind the same as giving up? When are you really sure it really over, because to me it really looks like there is no way back. Really hurts to love and care for someone when he just gives you the close to the silent treatment. Will I be ever able to get over my felling and not feel for him? Have I blown it big time?
I'm a bit confused with the word terminology, isn't detachment the same as moving on which is to my mind the same as giving up? When are you really sure it really over, because to me it really looks like there is no way back. Really hurts to love and care for someone when he just gives you the close to the silent treatment. Will I be ever able to get over my felling and not feel for him? Have I blown it big time?
Have you read the detachment thread Pim? There's a lot in there. You'll also find this question answered a lot on this board.
Detachment does not mean giving up. Nor falling out of love. It means detaching from the outcome that you want. It means letting go. It means focusing on you and letting things out of your control be what they will be.
It's the difference between wanting your M to workout and needing you M to work out for you to be ok. It's a bit of a mind twister, but it's about focusing 100% on you and not letting your spouse's behavior take you on emotional roller coaster rides every day.
Others have said it better than I will on here, so do some reading of the thread and this board, but do know they are not the same. They may look the same and on some days feel almost the same, but they're not.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Sorry to hear about your situation pimouse, you are among friends.
The thread posted by Cadet above explains detachment, its good to read over those links. Detachment does not mean giving up or moving on. It lets you move forward with your life and continue to love H without trying to fix or control him or allowing your emotions regarding him to control you.
Moving forward is the term I prefer, and it also doesn't mean giving up. Its just accepting you have no control over what he does, only you. You can continue to move forward with your life making quality changes. A benefit of this is that it can attract your H back to you, but at the end of the day its his decision to leave or stay. You also have that decision.
Even if things appear hopeless there is always a chance it can turn around. No one knows what will happen in the future, anything is possible. Those feeling take time to work through, its not an easy or quick process. With time it will get easier to manage them. The basics of DB (GAL, exercise, sleep, etc) are to help to cope with those emotions and start to function again in a healthy way.
No, you haven't blown it. You were responsible for your 1/2 of the M breakdown, he has his 1/2. You never take responsibility for his actions, they are under his control.
Continue to work on ways to improve your life while H is going through this change. You will be ok regardless of what your H does.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
I think of it as the difference between "moving on" and "moving forward".
You need to move forward with your life now. You need to GAL. You need to work on you.
This does not mean that you need to give up on reconciliation. But that's not going to happen tomorrow. Or next week. Or likely next month. So you need to move forward. You need to find ways to be OK without your M.
I was getting ready for work when H turned up home unannounced. He was only picking something up from the garage but he hardly spoke to me but I had butterfly when I saw him. I was happy before he came but this was better. Don't understand why I should be happy as he said it was over!
I'm finding detaching really hard, but I guess it's just early days.:-(
YES - PATIENCE.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I have bought the two books and just started to read DR. I'm hoping it will give me an indication of what I want for me if the marriage is really over. I guess one good thing is that even if I talked about divorce very soon after the bomb, so far none of us has filed for it, so I guess there might still be hope or he won't do it because he can't afford it at the moment. Last night he came round and discuss holidays. He said he can't take the kids away as he got no money, so he tought he could move back in for two weeks and stay in the separate room. Then I asked him if he could look after our dog while I go and visit my parents and he said he'll be gone by the time we are back. He said he didn't want to confuse the girls! How won't it confuse the kids if he moves back for 2 weeks? My feelings are he either moves back for good and we trying to salvage our marriage or he doesn't and he takes the kids out everyday. What should I do? I'm thinking of saying no for moving back in but will this not push him further away and give him the impression that I don't love him anymore?
Thank you cadet, now it's working I guess my computer was having a nervous breakdown:-)!. Would you considered these as small steps from H: he was running late to see the girls and texted me ( usually he turns up when he wants, but asked him not to do that as it's not convenient for me and I want to keep the girls in their routine) so i replied that I didn't mind but he needed to leave 30 min later as I was going out and had arranged for a sitter. At one point he got up and said I'm going and told him that I wasn't gone yet and he could stay a bit longer which he did! The other night he was talking to me about what he wants to do in the future (work wise) & I don't know what happened but on the way out I face him a kiss on the cheek and he didn't say nothing. I'm aware at the same time that he no longer wears his wedding ring and he told me that we we were pretty much over. So I'm getting confused. Tonight he has even accepted to finish work a bit early to take the girls out for a meal ( he has been promising it for the two times he came to see them), and when he gave me a time I said it was too late and he changed it. I know that his job is very important to him. Am I reading too much?
Don't understand what I'm doing wrong or am I too impatient? H came earlier to see girls but said he had to rush as he had a competition. 1st time I heard about it as he mentioned nothing yesterday! Hardly any eyes contact from him, did ask him how his day went but got short reply. Could it be that he is back with the OW? Could it be that it's REALLY over? If so why not asked for divorce and say I want it but can't afford it at the moment. He told me that he paid little less this week as he had to pay extra for his other daughter (from a previous relationship). He knows that I keep an eye on our joint account and he know that I'd have asked him ( I was a good girl but stopped myself asking him). I was weak and gave him another kiss, but he didn't move away nor forward! From what I can se he's enjoying his single life with his single friends! Why can't I seem to move on and to keep faith that we might have a chance to save our M?
Now, you need to realize that this is not a process that takes a few days. Your marriage did not break in a couple days; it won't be fixed in a couple days. You need to start by stretching out your timeline to months instead of days.
Now that we have that established, let's talk about what you're going to DO. My advice: - Stop worrying about the "state" of your marriage. ITS ALREADY OVER. There. Now you can free up all the energy you had been assigning to thinking about that. - Stop pursuing your husband. Stop asking non-crucial questions. Stop giving kisses/affection. Let him come to you. - Start focusing on YOU. What plans do YOU have tomorrow? What kinds of things are YOU doing? You need to start finding ways to be happy that don't involve your H.
I know it seems counter-intuitive, but you need to work on yourself before you are ready to work on your M. Be the best version of you that you can be. Sooner or later your H will be ready to see that and consider reconciling. You can't Zpull him back - he has to think there's a permanent change in you to be re-attracted to you.
I think my problem is that I can't get over the fact that it's over. I should better that when my H has made a decision he rarely changes his mind. I'm waking up every day and think about all that happened all day. Surely this can't be healthy, I'm full of fear that he'll never come back, that by kicking him out I have deprived my girls from having a dad and that I'll finish my life on my own. I know it looks very pessimistic. I have already started to look after myself more and I know that my next big task is changing my mind from negative to positive! That's what I call a challenge. So hard to let go! I guess it is a journey that I can only do by myself! It's heart breaking to be in this situation but I guess I have my share of responsibilities! When you talk about months, shall I give myself a goal and reevaluate the situation and decide what I want to do? What if he has gone to her? He is leaving with single friends so why would he even consider to come back to me? He is having a hell of a good time! No responsibilities to deal with the daily maintenance of the house, no financial worries, no dealing with kids daily life!
Pimouse - Here's my advice. Remember, my W is gone and I certainly am not expecting her to change her mind. So take this for what it's worth.
As I mentioned, in your H's mind, the M was over at BD. That doesn't mean that his mind will never change, but right now, you are fired from the job as his wife.
Your next step after such an event is to try to heal yourself. You emotionally detach, you start getting your own life, you reflect on your shortcomings as a W/mother/partner/woman and you work on improving those aspects about you. Your goal is to become the best version of pimouse that there is. When you emerge from that process, you will be self-sufficient, confident, and likely happy!
And you know what....those traits are ATTRACTIVE to a man. Once you go through the process, there's a chance your H will be ready to start considering R with you - and at that time, you'll be READY. And even if he doesn't, you'll be in such a good place, that you'll also be ready to move on. This is the best part about DBing - the steps for healing yourself from this trauma are the same as the steps for trying to get your husband back!
The trouble is that this process is always. You don't just wake up one morning as the best version of yourself. It takes self-reflection and ACTION. Luckily, your H is giving you the time now to put in this work. Use it!
Remember - this journey is about YOU. It doesn't matter what your H is doing now. He doesn't believe he's married. So, as hard as it is, take your focus off of him and put it on you. If, somewhere down the line, he starts talking about E R, THEN you can look back on this time and his actions and decide what you want to do. But there's no point in worrying about it now - you can't control him, and trying to will only push him away.
SO - read the rules, take them to heart. Read the detachment thread. Start practicing. Start doing the GAL activities. Start doing 180s.
Feeling much better today. He just came to see his kids for 45 minutes but texted earlier that he'll be late and asked if it was still ok to see them. Before he would to turn up when he wanted, and one day he upset the girls as I told them that he'd see them, but it was so close to their bedtime that I had to text him to say not to bother as I didn't want to disrupt their routine. Then I asked him from now on to let me know when he is running late ( bear in mind that we have been together for 10 years and I never got a text to say that he'd be late!). Tonight I only spoke to him briefly, and he is the one telling me about his day and his work at the weekend. What I'm so proud of, is that for the 1st time I'm feeling fine about him being late ( that used to wind me up big time!), and that now he is gone I feel ok: not too sad! Is this what detachment is about?
In reading your post, it still sounds like your happiness is driven by his actions. As I understand it, detachment is having control and power of your actions and feelings such that they don't depend on what someone else may or may not be doing it feeling.
I was wondering how you could have faith if you were to let go. Is it not moving on the same as saying that there is no way back? Getting confused with all these terms, don't they more less are identical?
I haven't ready your sitch but your post caught my eye. Letting go has absolutely zero to do with having faith. My perspective of letting go means that I can't control anyone or anything but myself. However, I have to let things transpire as they may(and they will) and none of us knows what tomorrow holds.
I am not religious rather spiritual, however, I have faith that things will all fall into place. That doesn't mean life is perfect, that I won't have hardships, or that I have no role in any of it. Ultimately to me it means that everything will play out as it is supposed to and my focus should be on my actions and behaviors.
Does that make sense? If you let go, then you just focus on living the best life you can.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Detachment is a tough one to grasp, but I'll reiterate what Gbelle said. You absolutely need to have faith to detach, but it's faith that what will be will be - and what will be is what is best. Not faith in the exact outcome you want.
Have faith that if you take care of yourself, everything will be ok even if "ok" looks differently than how you may think it has to today.
Hugs, PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Think about a lighthouse. It doesn't hang on the ships as they go out to sea. But the stay strong and shining, lighting the way back home.
Nobody said you have to move ON to another guy; to another chapter in your life. You don't need to close your heart, you don't have to burn any bridges.
But you do need to move FORWARD. You can't stay how you are - you have to really think about who you want to be and BECOME HER.
I have just read the lighthouse story, and it's beautiful. I guess from an early age I never had to face any difficulties ( my parents were very protective), so I guess this is why I'm struggling with everything at the moment. It might sound silly as I was letting everyone else tell me what I should do, I never really had to stand on my two feet!. Now it's time to flee the nest ( better later than never:-)!) and I have to admit I'm afraid of the future. I think that I stayed with my H even if I was unhappy because it was comfort! I look at my parents relationship and I can se that I was reproducing it with my H, so in a way I can understand ( not agree) why he has done what he did. I needed a good kick up in the backside and I wish it wasn't done that way but what is done is done. I need to let go of my fears and take the pluge! I can't thank you enough for taking time to reply to me, to offer support and to listen to my winge! Can't believe I have just spelt my heart out, but it does feel good to do it without being judge. I guess I paid too much attention to what people thought about me, but not enough to what I REALLY want! THANK YOU EVERYONE :-)
Just reach the setting goal in DR and I'm wondering if I'm suppose to do a 180, shouldn't I set those goal for me and once I have reached them, set new ones but for my relationship? Silly question but what is the percentage of people who reconcile? Does it really work? I have been happier (genuinely) before my H. I have been going out and looking after myself but all I get is that he is avoiding eyes contact and speak the strict minimum with me. Am I doing it right?
There have been previous discussions about the goal setting content in MWD books. Consensus seems to be that the goals should be all about you. Because that is the only part you can control. Therefore, goals should really focus on the things you want to do for YOU!
Posters have suggested that goals as MWD describes them are better thought of as 'progress signs.' If you set relationship goals at this stage, I think you may be disappointed as things can progress slowly and you can feel like no progress is being made. As for reconciliation - it's hard to judge, but I think Starsky once had a guess at the stats.
He said that without DB (or similar) there may be a 10% chance. With DB, those odds maybe rise to 25/35% for reconciliation. However for moving on and living a good and happy life, DBing takes the odds up to at least 75% for those who stay the course, introspect and do the work.
The other thing that stayed with me was (I think) posted by Wonka. She said that hardly any sitches resolve in nine months. And many take significantly longer - years rather than months, particularly if MLC is a factor. But if you put in the work, manage to detach and build a good life for yourself, regardless of what your spouse is doing. Those timescales seem far less important.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Funny how I can change emotionally one day from another. Was feeling stressed yesterday as H was popping over to see kids, and today he isn't and I feel relaxed! He hardly looked at me but was telling me about his job! I don't think he has hit rock bottom. He has someone to stay with in the evening and he doesn't have to deal with kids and everyday life. Maybe this is going to change for him, as we had to put the house on the market (didn't really want to do it but I can't afford it on my own!). I am more concerned about the girls but I guess people move house everyday and they'll probably get used to it! If the house sells, he has already decided that we'll go our separate way (he recently said that our M was pretty much over), so maybe it'll be the point when he realised what he has done. Despite me loving him, I wonder if I can forgive 2 years of cheating, lies and I bet if I hadn't found out he'd still be carrying on his A!
I was curious to know how our WAS is living what we are living. I know that there is always two sides of a story and was wandering if the WAS goes back to LBS and what their mind was going through from the moment the PA is discovered to the moment of R. What was their thoughts? Was it really over in their mind? How / when did they realise that after all their M was worth saving?
I have been reading religiously DR & DB books and I can say that even if it is early days, I have noticed few changes in me. I have always seen things in a negative way and for the last 2 weeks, I have been feeling TRULY and honestly happy. How do I know it? I have always forced my smile when I had my pictures taken, but for the 1st time yesterday, when I looked at the pictures with my friends it wasn't a forced one! I know it might sound petty but for me it is a huge step. I now truly believe that if I want to save my marriage, I'm the ONE who needs to make the changes, not for my H but for ME. I still want my H to come home, but I can see that deep down he isn't ready to make the changes and prefers bury his head in the sand. Who knows,might it be guilt?. One thing I'm 100% positive about is that I needed a wake-up call, and the disclosure of his PA followed by the roller coaster that goes with it, to make me realise that I was wasting my life in being a victim and not proactive. The goals I'm setting at the moment are mainly centred on me as I need to be strong/ independent again before I can set goal for my M. It might not be the right path, but this is how I feel at the moment. My changes are for the long run and not to win my H back. I know that I still have a long way to go, and that few ups and downs will come my way, nevertheless I feel I'm going in the right direction. I still feel I'm a newcomer as it has only been 5 months since bomb dropped and 3 since separation, but I'm starting to see and feel the glare of a warm and reassuring light at the end of the tunnel. I just wanted to post something positive to let everyone else know that there is HOPE and a new beginning for us at the end of this terrible ordeal. Keep faith in what you are doing. Once we are stronger, I know that we will be able to climb the highest mountain and enjoy the breathtaking view
Your post made me happy. I am rereading DB as well in hopes of doing a bit of a restart. Got a bit off track with the knowledge of my H's A as well. Here is to finding and improving ourselves first!!
BW
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
I'm glad that my post makes you happy. What was a real deal breaker is that today I didn't care if my H would turn up or not to see our kids, as before I'd go mental and criticise him but today I felt different. Can't really puts words into it. I do believe that our path on earth is already planned, and that at times we have to go over hurdles ( for me and probably most of us, infidelity is the worst and highest hurdle to overcome); then arrive at a crossroad and decide which way to go. My H tried to press my buttons, and I just looked at him and ignored it. This when I realised that I was at the crossroad, and realised that not matter which way I turn to (ie with or without him) I'll be fine. Don't misunderstand me, what he did still hurt me but I was able to step back and not react. This is an AMAZING achievement for me!
Hi, just need an input from a 3rd party as I'm a bit confused. He came round after work to see the girls and was wondering if you could tell what your intake on situation is. I initiated conversation saying something like "hi, you are alright" and he would reply in short sentences. Then he went on to tell me that he'll b here tomorrow to put the girls to bed as I asked him a month ago of he could have them as I'm starting a new club and can't afford to pay for a sitter every time. He was never able to remember what I told regarding my commitments, but tonight he was. So my question is would you consider this as a small step from him. I also asked him if he could look after the girls on Fri and he said he couldn't so I said fine and told him that I'll get a someone to loll after the girls. He suggested that I dropped the girls to his sister, then he'll pick them up from there and will put them to bed while I'm out! Out if the blue he asked me of I would agree to swap days when he has the girls and if he could have them in the house while I go out for the day, saying that he couldn't afford to take them out for meal or the day. Could it be that he is starting to get our of his fog, and realising how expensive it could be for him to divorce. On the other hand, DB says not to believe what he says! He also brought us some spare garden chairs, saying that we might need them! Any thoughts anyone? I don't really want to have my hopes high and misinterpret things.
I think the best plan is probably to catch yourself with the interpreting. You could tie yourself all up into knots trying to work out whether this or that may be a baby step. Best to shift the focus from him and on to you...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Just started first session with C and it was nice to say that it was based on me and not my marriage. It was good to hear that we are going to try to find solution to deal with my negativity and break the vicious circle of depression! He sent a text today to say he'll be taking the girls away for a week and I think he did it wind me up, but I was so proud of myself as I just acted As If and replied asking him what he'd need! Wow, I can't believe I did it. I know few months ago I would have reacted angrily but not today. I guess I'm on my way to letting go! As think as I don't see him face to face I'm fine, I suppose that it might take a bit longer to feel detachment when I see him. I can feel I'm getting there.
Having a low day today, could it be related to the fact that H is supposed to come to see the kids today? I read a post from a lady saying that if she had kicked her H from their home, she knew it would be over as her H wouldn't come back because of his pride. Now this is going round and round in my head, as I kicked him out when I found out about his PA, and I know he is a very proud man and won't come back begging! Have I missed my chance of reconciliation? On the other side, while he was at home it was pure torture as I kept wondering where he was going and with whom he was talking to! Now he is out I have some welcome breathing space! So why am I starting to regret my decision? Oh boy!, today fear has a good grip on me :-(!
Don't think you should regret your decision. If he really wants back he will swallow his pride and do what needs to be done. Your wellbeing is what is most important right now. I think with active PA there needs to be tough love. Just keep up PMA when you see him.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Having a low day today, could it be related to the fact that H is supposed to come to see the kids today? I read a post from a lady saying that if she had kicked her H from their home, she knew it would be over as her H wouldn't come back because of his pride. Now this is going round and round in my head, as I kicked him out when I found out about his PA, and I know he is a very proud man and won't come back begging! Have I missed my chance of reconciliation? On the other side, while he was at home it was pure torture as I kept wondering where he was going and with whom he was talking to! Now he is out I have some welcome breathing space! So why am I starting to regret my decision? Oh boy!, today fear has a good grip on me :-(!
Hi Pimouse,
I'm sorry you for the situation you are in and that you are having a low day today. You had some super positive posts on the 13th. I encourage you to re-read those posts because they were so insightful and spot on.
It would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Please call me to discuss our program at 303-444-7004.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Having a low day today, could it be related to the fact that H is supposed to come to see the kids today? I read a post from a lady saying that if she had kicked her H from their home, she knew it would be over as her H wouldn't come back because of his pride. Now this is going round and round in my head, as I kicked him out when I found out about his PA, and I know he is a very proud man and won't come back begging! Have I missed my chance of reconciliation? On the other side, while he was at home it was pure torture as I kept wondering where he was going and with whom he was talking to! Now he is out I have some welcome breathing space! So why am I starting to regret my decision? Oh boy!, today fear has a good grip on me :-(!
Ironically I read that excact post you are refering to and I know of whom wrote it... I would not put THAT much weight on it to be honest .. Her husband very well could have still come back, to be honest I think for reconciliation there needs to be a bit of a pride swallowing act, if you read that poster some more in different areas you will also hear her say the WAS must not feel entitled as they do during the A, I think this is in line with the pride thing.
Regardless ... you did what you did .. its in the past .. just as your H has done what he has done ... what matters now is WHAT you do from this point forward. Don't live in the past .. no good resides there ... think about how you can become a better you NOW.
Thank you Caliguy for your post. I'm glad to see that you have been able to reconcile with your wife. How did you manage not to loose sanity over it all? At what point did you know that you had a chance to reconcile? I'm asking all these questions as I do want him back as I still have feelings for himand I don't want my kids to become another statistic of divorced parents. On the other hand I don't want to blind myself to what life as to offer if he doesn't want to come back. I know that what he did was wrong but I now understand that I had my share in it. I'm trying to change and I'm afraid that by doing so, my love for him will fade away. It is a strange feeling that I could potentialy fall out of love with my H
Would 3 months be too short to detach? For the last 2 years since haven't been great within my marriage, and I'm not gonna denied that at times I wanted to throw the towel in. After the initial hurt of BD and me kicking him out, I was in deep water and I thought I'd never get out of if, but as the days go by the pain is fading. Don't really understand because if seems so soon, and yet looking back it was a kind of expecting the end of my marriage for the last 2 years. Now I even question if I still have feeling for my H.
Tonight he came to see the girls but just stayed 30 min, which is funny as at the beginning he'd stay an hour. I guess he is going back to his true self (he was the same with his eldest daughter! I didn't bother me whereas before I'd have gone mental. He is clearly showing that he isn't interested in his kids and has moved on. On the other hand, he was very talkative (which he never was). Could he be tasting the water to see if my changes are for really? I know they are because I'm feeling so much better and happier :-)! I have come to like myself again and no matter what happens I'm going to carry on with my changes.
I know for all of us we don't seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel but in time we'll see it, take each day as it comes and don't look back. I realise that there will be ups and down along the way, I know it is part of my path and in the end I'll become a better person because of this.
Thank you Caliguy for your post. I'm glad to see that you have been able to reconcile with your wife. How did you manage not to loose sanity over it all? At what point did you know that you had a chance to reconcile? I'm asking all these questions as I do want him back as I still have feelings for himand I don't want my kids to become another statistic of divorced parents. On the other hand I don't want to blind myself to what life as to offer if he doesn't want to come back. I know that what he did was wrong but I now understand that I had my share in it. I'm trying to change and I'm afraid that by doing so, my love for him will fade away. It is a strange feeling that I could potentialy fall out of love with my H
I have not reconciled yet ... working on getting there and taking my time in doing as such. I will say I am FAR better off right now than I was 2 years ago .. but that has more to do with the growth I have made than the changes in the relationship with my wife.
As far as the sanity thing ... I firlmy believe it takes an ounce of crazy to go through this thing ... not sure if any sane person would subject themselves to the slow torture, it does get better, things bother you less, you heal ... and dare I say become not so much afraid of the future.
The point I thought/think we have a chance at reconciling ... I am not so sure I am there, there are things that I now must have in a relationship and I am not sure W will be able to provide those things ... time will tell ... and thos talks are yet to be had .. but there is a list for me that I need answers to. I want my M, but I want the new one ... the one I will be happy in .. not the one where I was a miserable person for several years.
I thought I'd make you laugh tonight. I took Michelle advice to the letter and did something my H didn't expect me to do! Last night he came to see the girls and told them that he'd put them to bed tonight! Way past their bed time, he sent a txt saying that he wouldn't come as he couldn't move as he had had a hard day at work!. I felt he was taking the p**##. As the girls weren't yet asleep, I drove them in their PJs to say good night to him as for me a promise is a promise! You should have seen his face as he was getting ready to go out! Then he had the audacity to ask me what was up with me! I just reminded him that our girls are still young and for them a promise is very important to their eyes. Got a text from him saying that he is sorry.
In a way I'm glad that I did that, as since he has gone, I have been pretty cool with his access to the girls, but it's the second time he did this to them. Each time I have to deal with the aftermath as he won't take responsability for his actions. So far he has had no consequences for his actions, as I now realise that I made his life too easy! For the 1st time I have been able to stand for what I believe is right without being scared of him or his reactions. I might have blown my chance to reconcile, but I'm starting to put boundaries in place to protect the girls and myself!
Pimouse, your getting good advice here. I'm sorry about your sitch.
I just want to mention the wedding ring. Don't focus on that. Mine threw his off the first day he dropped the bomb on us a month ago.
He told me he was NEVER coming back....but he is coming home Wed to try and work on things.
I believe my husbands crisis started after his mothers death. Mama's and their boys. It's different bond. Sometimes mom didn't show them enough love or mom smothered them in it. I'm trying my best to get it just right with my son. I don't want him to have a mid life crisis someday.
My H didn't have a close relationship with his mom. He had many unresolved issues when she passed. He has been fighting with it since.
Just had a thought and was wondering if you could get some advise. One of my H grievance was I didn't look after myself, for the last 3 months I have doing well with that. My wardrobe is getting bigger (at one point H has more clothes than me), and I do really look after myself. Now my question is as H hardly looks at me in the eyes, can he notice the physical changes as I reay can't read him! He's like a closed book! I don't do it for him because now I like myself more and I'm feeling happier with my physical appearances! Gone back to wear bright colours which has always been me. I know that part of R is also reattracting him, but do men notice these kind of changes? Sorry for sounding plain stupid.
Pimouse, my guess is yes, though he is likely not to say anything. There could be a numbers of reasons. He does not want to get your hopes up, maybe he feels you have not found him attractive recently, pride, who knows what. I have been taking better care of myself, dressing nicer, lost 30lbs, etc. I have received compliments almost daily from others, so I know my H has to have noticed as well. He has not said a single word. Just keep doing it for you. He will notice!
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
I think I'm having a small meltdown! If in his mind he doesn't want to give me hope, so wouldn't the best decision for him to file for divorce? I don't want to be plan B for him! I have done things the wrong way this weekend: from last post yesterday, then today he said he'll be late for an hour to pick up the girls as it was Father's Day. He wanted to bring them earlier but I said no as for me it meant that he was having less time with the girls. He brought them back and forgot to give coats, so rang him to see where he was and he said he'll drop them later to which I said no as I want them for school tomorrow. In fact I wanted to know if he was going to the OW! How pathetic I am! I don't want him to introduce her to my girls if he's back with her! I can say that I'm jealous that he might choose her over me and doesn't want the responsability of bringing up his kids. As I also want him back, but I don't want to feel the stabbing pain I have felt the last three months. I don't think I'll be able to bear another heartache, as I'm hoping that we might get back together! Why can't I have a clean break from all this, so I'll know where I stand, and have a clean fresh start without thinking: "shall I wait for him to come back?" When deep down he knows that it's over!
I think I'm having a small meltdown! If in his mind he doesn't want to give me hope, so wouldn't the best decision for him to file for divorce? I don't want to be plan B for him! I have done things the wrong way this weekend: from last post yesterday, then today he said he'll be late for an hour to pick up the girls as it was Father's Day. He wanted to bring them earlier but I said no as for me it meant that he was having less time with the girls. He brought them back and forgot to give coats, so rang him to see where he was and he said he'll drop them later to which I said no as I want them for school tomorrow. In fact I wanted to know if he was going to the OW! How pathetic I am! I don't want him to introduce her to my girls if he's back with her! I can say that I'm jealous that he might choose her over me and doesn't want the responsability of bringing up his kids. As I also want him back, but I don't want to feel the stabbing pain I have felt the last three months. I don't think I'll be able to bear another heartache, as I'm hoping that we might get back together! Why can't I have a clean break from all this, so I'll know where I stand, and have a clean fresh start without thinking: "shall I wait for him to come back?" When deep down he knows that it's over!
Pimouse,
You don't know it's over. You are in the blackest pit of hell right now as he comes and goes and leaves you to guess where he is headed. I know it hurts. What you don't know your mind makes up even worse stories for. He is going to do what he will and he is beyond your control. The only you can control is how much you let it hurt you.
That is why it is so important to detach. It's not a tactic for him. It's for YOU. If you can detach you won't hurt as much. You won't wonder as much. You will be free to work on yourself.
The side benefit is that as you pull away you may draw him back toward you. That does happen. I have seen it with my W. As I pull away she comes toward me. We just have to be CONSISTENT.
Good luck. God be with you. You are among friends and kindred souls here. You will emerge from this stronger. You CAN do it.
Me: 39 W: 38 T-18yrs M-13yrs 2 Girls: 10 & 3 EA BD 5/24/15 Separate Bedrooms 6/12/15 PA BD 7/3/15 Separate Residence 8/8/15
Hi Pimouse. I havnt read through all your sitch but I will. Mum just responding to your last post. You can't move on because you can't just flip a switch and close your heart to him. You love him and that's not an on / off button.
Detachment takes work. Only you can do that work How about you start today ? Don't worry about what H is doing. If your mind starts to wonder , replace the thoughts with different ones. You might only get a few minutes but every time the thoughts of H return just replace them again and train your mind.
We all know what you are feeling and time and yourself are the only cures
I'd be interesting to have a chat with you but I'm not sure it'll be vis able as I'm based in the UK.
Pimouse,
We have many people call from the UK. The time difference is quite manageable. I'm in the office 3pm-11pm UK time on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. Please call 303-444-7004 during those times so we can chat.
Regards, Cristy
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Hurt and wanting to cry is what I feel right now. I just want to throw the towel in. H came to look after girls while I was at yoga. As I didn't hear from him, I booked a babysitter. He wasn't pleased but I told him that last night he said he'd let me know & I assumed he couldn't make it. I found out by the girls that he didn't stay with them and went to do some stuff in the garage. When I asked him why he didn't spend time with his kids he said that he saw them yesterday! I also found out that he has a second phone. I'd like for him to nan up for once and fill for divorce! So I'll no longer be in a limbo! Am I being unreasonable ?
The last few days have been hard for me, H gone quite aggressive verbally and I found it hard to deal with. This forum is full of good advice, but at the same time I can recognise myself in all the main topics, and keep thinking I'm going to try this but later on I find that it could be counterproductive. So now I'm really confused in what to do! My H told me that I have became cold towards him, and he's right as I wanted to protect myself from any hurt but at the end it didn't protect me. When we first got together I was very cuddly, touching but now I'm afraid that if I do that he'll see it as a way of manipulating him.
I personally feel that I need to go dark with him as I'm not consistent in what I want for mysellf. One day I want him, the next I want to file for divorce. I don't want to hurt myself anymore, nor him. So I'm hoping that going dark will help me to decide what I really want. I also know that it might mean the end of my M for good; if we are meant to be together it'll happen if not I'll try my best and as H said it is a little too late. .
My H's nephew is christening his boy and I got invited to the do. I decided to go as my H said he'd not be there, so I felt that the girls still should go as it's their family. Now I have found out that he is going, and I don't really want to go as I feel I'm not part of his family anymore. As anyone been in a similar situation? What did you do?
I say do what you want to do. Your decision for both going and not going has been based on your H. Either you feel a part of the family or not.
In my opinion, you should go because you said you were going - I don't think you want to get in the game of checking what your H is doing before you do anything. But that's just my opinion.
I guess you are right as I said I'd be going I must go. I only said I was going as H said he was working and couldn't take the girls, so I didn't want them to miss out. On the other hand, his dad and sisters all knew that he had been cheating on me for a long time, some from the beginning! Even though they helped me when I found out, I guess they did it out of guilt! Don't really want to go because of the lie and deceit they all show towards me!
He came back to cut the grass and started to tell me about a job interview he has on Monday. He was saying he was doing long hours and was getting tired. He usually has the girls on Sat and asked to have them on Sunday because of Christening, I told him that I was invited and he said it was ok with him. On a positive note I'm going out tonight the the cinema. I used to go there every week before I met my H, and really enjoying doing that again :-)!
I want to help you with your goal setting. I haven't read your whole thread, just this post - and I will help you refine your goals. I will repost your post, and then follow up with goal setting breakdown. After you refine your goals, I will help you with what to do next. In the meantime I will read your thread.
You said :
Hi, I have been able to set personal goal and can pretty much stay on task, but I'm really not good at the one for my relationship. One of his point to have an affair was that I was cold. I'd really like to work on this one, but I keep thinking that it'll be fake coming from me. I feel it won't feel natural to him as I'm still hurt from betrayal, the fact that I had to kick him out of the house ( basically I think I made the decision for him instead of him having to tell me that he wanted out of the M, so he'd have to feel guilty from walking out on his family, but I'm the one feeling guilty like hell for making that decision that I never wanted in the first place). I resent him for not spending more time with his kids (work is more important to him) and that I can't rely on him to look after the kids when I want to go out ( have to pay for a sitter & I can feel the financial strain from it).
My goal would be: to be less cold to H 1) H won't be on the defensive 2) I'll count to 7 before I react to his sly comments 3) H will want to stay a little but more to talk about general stuff when he drops girls.
Can I have any feedback? Is it too vague, is it asking too much?
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Summarizing the goal setting guidelines in Divorce Remedy (p 80) into bullet points, your goals should be:
* positively stated - what you want more of in your relationship, not what you don't whats missing *action oriented, versus a vague description -- something you can measure *small, bite-size, doable within the next 2-3 weeks (if your goal is bigger, break it down into smaller pieces, and just list the Next Step)
And as you did well, just start with about 3 goals.
So, working on your specific goals:
1). He won't be defensive How can you state that positively? If he wasn't defensive, what would he be doing or saying? If that is difficult, describe the scenario in which you feel he is defensive, and then state how you would like the scenario to go.
2) I will count to 7 before I react to his sly comments. This is more of a personal behavior. It is a good thing to do. What do you think will happen differently if you do this? What will you both be doing or saying?
3) H will want to stay a little, but more to talk about general stuff when he drops off the girls. Excellent goal. This is small, positively stated action oriented, and likely doable in a short amount of time. It is also a goal that can be built on--I.e, grow as the goal is achieved.
Nice work--keep it up!😀
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I think my first goal could be rewritten as follows:
1) H feels more relaxed around me a) I will breath deeply to control my emotions b) I will ensure that I'm smiling not matter what c)H will smile or laugh when I try to crack a joke ( got a very weird sense of humour:-)!
Looking at it, it doesn't seem to hard to achieve. I also started counselling and have asked to ask for someone who is more solutions oriented. We are going to work on low self esteem and brake the vicious circle of negative thoughts! I was told that both my mum and her mum suffered from depression, so I guess in a way I have inherited it. At least I'm doing something about it!
I have done everything wrong today! Went to the christening as he was late, so took the girls there. Once out of the church, he asked me if I was alright then straight after agressively asked me why I sat next to his dad when I should know he hates him. I replied that they sat next to us, then said I'll be going. He replied that I didn't have to go now! After I asked him why he had been so aggressive to me, and he said he was just asking me a question. Anyway he added that everybody at the party will get it! I asked him to step outside, and he agreed. I told him that he couldn't ruin his nephew Christening, that I still cared and loved him. This is when I went back to my old self. I asked him if he was back with her, he said what difference would it make if I was because to him we are no longer together! According to him, his girls are now his family! (Bear in mind that he doesn't seem to be spending much time with them: picking them later than he is supposed to and dropping them off earlier too!). He knew that his answer would make me react, and I did. I went to him and told him that I DON'T want that women near my kids! Said my goodbyes to everyone and left the venue ( on the verge of tears!). I'm back home crying as now I can see that there us no chance of us reconcile. What a fool I have been to believe that i could save my marriage. I guess I'll be part of the 50% of the divorcee! If his daughters were really his family, he should think about them first, not himself. Rant over, need to move on!
But really, what is different from yesterday? It's only been one month that you've been here. There hasn't really been enough time for you to really make permanent, consistent changes.
You can go file for divorce today. But what will be different? Instead, get back on the horse. Focus back on you.
Pi - I'll give you the biggest internet hug I can.
His hurting you is not about you. Imagine he's an addict. Or a mistreated dog. They just can't control their actions and who they hurt. And unfortunately, there's nothing you can really do to help. All you can do is take this time and use it for you and your children.
He came back from Christening a lot angry and said that if we couldn't sell the house we should rent it as pensions for both of us, and the both of use should rent somewhere else! Like I was going to put my daughters in another house when they have this one! Gosh he has really lost a screw! Thanks for the hug Matt777
The scenario is just good information. The interactions between you didn't set anything in stone.
So in the future, be prepared for this. Do not let him make you react. Michele told me a long time ago..."Dont give yourself an out." He cannot make you react.
So, shock him and 'Do something different.' Be calm. Let's see....remember toddlers? If you react to them, they continue their show. If you just hold back and don't react, something different will happen. Don't engage in the drama.
Don't say I love you right now.
And as much as you'd like to control it, you cannot control whether or not he brings the kids around another woman. He knows your position. If he isn't deaf, he heard you. Don't repeat yourself. The more restraint you show, the more credibility you gain.
You've got this girl. Shake off today, treat yourself well, do something you enjoy before the evening ends.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
One thing that my H blamed me for having an affair was that I was too cold, and not being supportive. I have tried to keep to minimum conversation with him, but I reckon it'll not bring me closer to my goal. I'm working hard on not being cold, but I guess it's going to take time to change this attitude round.
I can see he's very tired, and doesn't seem to have much support from his family, therefore I think that one of my goal is going to be his friend. Even if in the long run, I might not save my marriage, I'll have at least create a good relationship to co-parent our girls.
I feel sorry for him now as I can see that he really didn't realise what the consequences of his actions would be. He has practically cut himself off from his friends from secondary school, has not many contact with his family, and he is looking for a new job.
As time goes by, I realise that my behaviour has been part of his reason to choose to cheat, but I can see that he has more deep rooted problems that have nothing to do with me. Only him can sort himself out. I can say that he is depressed but he is too proud to ask for help, and prefers buried his head in the sand. Thinking about his affair is still raw and hurts, but I have forgiven him.
Even if the situation I am in, is far from being ideal, it is teaching me a lot about what I really value in my life and what matters to me now. I'm ready to move on, and become who I always wanted to be but was too scared to do it as was scared about what the others would think about me and for some of it, it might go against the values that have been passed on by my family.
I'm so proud of myself when I replied to H. We agreed that he'd se the girls every other day and on Saturdays, he didn't come round Monday (because of work), and just texted me to say he also can't tonight because of guess what wok. I can believe how quickly I have adjusted my opinion; saying it didn't annoy me would be a lie, but instead of thinking about it over and over again, I asked myself a couple of questions. Can I control him coming over? NO. If I hold a grudge, who is going to be most affected by it and have the evening spoiled? ME. Is it worth it to have a bad evening? NO as I'll be only the one feeling bad, not him. I guess I can call it: my first proper and real step into detachment. Youpi! :-)
I have been reading a lot of posts here, and it seems that you need to be having a lot of contact with WAS, but in my case only see him when he comes to see the kids, if you to save your marriage. He doesn't interact much, only basic things about the girls. He answers my questions but never asks me anything. Two months ago he said he didn't want a divorce, but he doesn't seem to want to salvage this marriage. I'm a bit lost on what to do as I can see I'm not being consistent and confused in my approach.
Interesting day for me. A couple of weeks ago i went to a birthday party and left after I felt made uncomfortable by one of the guest. I knew this guy as he's my friend XH. Today his XW (my friend) told me that on that day he was laughing at me as I had been cheated on. I was fuming but as I was on my way to yoga, I didn't want to spoil it, and was pleased how I dealt with it. I saw my H tonight and I showed him the text. He first tried to make sense about the text, but added that if it was true his friend had no right to do what he did. Then he added that there was 2 sides to a story as HE is friend with this guy and I'm friend with his XW. My H told me not to be bothered about it, and gave me tips how to interact with his friend next time something again like this happens again. He validated my point of view when I said how rude it was of his friend to make fun of me, and my H said again he had no right to do that. Even if it doesn't seem important what his friend did to me, I feel happy that my H, even in no such words, condamned his friend behaviour. Maybe there is hope that my H's feelings for me aren't completely gone.
How do you control your fear? H says that he's going away with male friends abroad and that one of them is paying for him! I know you can have great friend, but I'm not too sure about them paying for you to go away for a long weekend. What if he is going with OW, or maybe a new OW? I know I don't need him but I still want him! Doubts are really playing with my mind now! When do you know it's over? When do you know that there is no hope left? If describe myself as not being intuitive at all. If I didn't see the signs of him having an affair, how am I suppose to see anything saying it's over. People say listen to your guts feeling but I feel really stupid but saying that but I don't think I have any gut feelings!
Pimouse don't beat yourself up for not being intuitive. My H had an affair several years back and I was clueless until OW H called and told me. I felt like a fool but then I realized I didn't need to carry any kind of guilt for his selfish actions.
If you feel like you can't trust your gut...start a journal about your sitch. Let it flow. You will find your voice and your true feelings about all of this.
Today was my birthday: one of the big 0!, but don't really feel my age. I spent a great day with my friends & my girls. One thing I found really funny, I have been with my husband for 10 years, and got a happy birthday text one day earlier:-)! It really made my laugh yesterday! Also it was before 7am, my H is never up before 9/10 am at the weekend when he isn't working! That was so funny too! I wasn't expecting anything from him, so I was pleased to get his message. One of my friend said he only did it to keep the peace as I'm still in our marital house. Another one said that her XH of 5 years still wishes her happy birthday! That might be true but that was nice of him (or could it be guilt?).
Everyone commented how well I look, and how I seem to move on with my life. I told them that I have no choice not to be strong as I have two young lady who need their mummy, but that doesn't mean that inside I'm not hurt! May I be sending the wrong message to H that I have moved on,and don't want him back? When in reality I still love him, and want him back. I realise I don't need him, but want him.
Can't believe that I dreamt about him and her! It was so bad that it woke me up. I'm finding it hard to let go as I think about the situation I am in everyday! Why can't I let go? Why can't I realise that whatever I do, he has made his choice that he isn't coming back! Gosh that really hurts!
Why can't I realise that whatever I do, he has made his choice that he isn't coming back!
Pi - You don't KNOW this. You never thought he'd leave and he did. So how can you KNOW he's never coming back. Their "relationship" is built on a foundation of secrecy, lies, and forbiddenness - more than likely, it won't survive actual life. So, instead of worrying about him, try try try try to keep focusing on you and your kids. Become the most attractive Pimouse possible.
I know he is no longer with her. I also know that once he has made his mind up there is no coming back. He decided to cut his ties with his dad about a year ago, and to this day he hasn't had any contact with him! We have been physically separated for 4 months now, and I reckon that he emotionally checked out on our marriage two years ago, so I can't really see a reconciliation. Also I saw a text he wrote to his sister, when I first found out about his alleged infidelity and confronted him, saying that his marriage is all but finished! That's when we decided to separate but he was still in the house. At the time he lied about the affair, and I thought that I could save this marriage, but now I am not so sure! He came tonight looking awful after his weekend away, but brought something back for the girls. He didn't stay long, and hardly spoke to me. I'm ready to give up as I'm really hurt, and really think I can't save my marriage. Feeling so sad :-(
I know how hard it is! Especially to be parenting young kids with an MLCer. You want the very best for your kids. I have found I can only control the kind of mom I want to be.
Part of what helped move me forward is my kids. At first I practiced a positive mental attitude for them. But then, as I kept it up I started to really feel it! And sometimes, now when I joke, even cranky H cracks a smile.
One of the things that I did opposite was to take ALL pressure off my husband when it came to the kids. And, hard as it was, I did it with a smile on my face. The more I took off his plate, the more he started to put back on. Since I wasn't nagging, guilting, passive aggressive, I assume he decided to be a dad because HE wanted to do so!
If your kids are old enough be ready to answer their questions about him. Think carefully of how to handle this.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I had a good day today. I woke up wanting to put my wedding ring back on, and did it. I was able to put it on without thinking of doing it in a manipulative way to get H back. I feel at peace wearing it.
I saw my C who said I made good progress, and has decided that we will need one more last session. I wanted to say thank you everyone as your help here has allowed me look deep inside, and to make these progress. I know it's going to be a long road, but my C feels that I'm well into healing.
Dark cloud is my H visit. I worked late, so he looked after the girls. He was very cold and very sharp. Don't think I can carry on with his cold, kind of superior attitude towards me. We have problem with the sell of the house, and he said he'll discuss it with the estate agent ( I quote: I have an idea how to deal with it), but wouldn't let me know what he intend to do!
You are doing a good job and Matt777 is offering some real wisdom. In the grand scheme of things a year isn't a long time, although it feels like it when you are going through things. My sister and I were estranged for 4 years and we are close now. It's just your *fear* telling you that you won't get back together. It's fortune-telling at best, and can be destructive to your efforts when you need to be focused. Keep your goals in front of you.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I think that one of my goal has to be to learn to be patient and take each day at a time! So far all my goals have been successful. Saw H today who is really pushing for the sale of the house. I don't mind it as it'll be a fresh new start for me and girls. At the moment, he is looking for his own place. Don't think he'll ever come back!
He is being very cold, sharp and avoid eyes as much as possible. Never asks about how I feel or how my day has been.
Don't know what is happening to me lately but I'm back in a limbo. Went out with few friends, and found 2 drawings done by Ds. Both labelled to mummy, no mention of their dad.
Then my mind started to go crazy. My kids don't deserve to be brought up in a broken home. I also never deserved to be cheated on for 2 years! Right now my heart is really sore, and I feel angry.
Can anyone give me a good reason why I should forgive him for being unfaithful, for him to make me responsible of his A, for hurting me badly for the last 2 years but I always put it on him being depressed, for making feel so stupid that everyone (his friends, our friends & even ALL his family member) knew about the affair, for even wanting him back (what kind of message I am sending to my girls: it's normal to be treated like a piece of meat, and still allowing him I my life).
Don't think I'm setting the right example to my daughters!
Can you go dark when you need to have contact with H regarding kids! H decided to do some work on his sister's house, instead of spending time with his kids.
I drove them to where he's working, and asked him how he'd b spending some quality time with his kids. He replied between two layers of paint he can play with them in garden!
What a lot of rubbish! On the way back I thought that what hurt the most wasn't the actual physical relationship he had with OW but the fact it lasted 2 years. As he says our marriage was/ is still over, why didn't he left me for her if she is so special to him.
What also hurt are the lies, and the fact everyone knew! I want to throw the towel, I don't deserve to feel guilty for his choices!
So I have 2 options either going dark or throw in the towel, and fill for divorce! As anyone who has been betrayed for so long been able to recover and was the marriage salvaged?
How can someone who you think you have known for 10 years, becomes such a cold and heartless person?
Was just reading a passage of Divorce Remedy which says " when prople announce the death of their marriages, they really mean it". I have the feeling that is the case for my H.
He was very sharp, hardly engaged in conversation about the sell of the house, and haven't looked at me once. This is taking too much of my energy? In already stressed as it is by work and running the house on my own. I really think I don't have the will power to carry on, let alone thinking there might be a slim chance and be hurt again!
Evidence that H is on another planet, H: will bring the girls back @ 9 pm as it doesn't matter as no school tomorrow ( me boiling inside as I do have something planned, that he knew about, which involves an early start)
Me: that's fine! ( I probably did wrong here, but he's usually on time to bring them back!)
H: can't have them tomorrow as I'm working (me inside: that's your choice not mine! & not happy as we've arranged access time) H: I'll have them the next day
Me: sure! What time for pick up?
H: around 10 so I can have a lie-in (wow just got swamped by intense anger, no chance of a lie-in for me ever as got them 24/7!, but did my best to smile, said goodbye.
Now I clearly feel like a doormat! I feel I should have said something. Finding difficult to put boundaries as I don't want it to be un amicable between us, and if I was to put reduce some access, it'll lead to confrontation like I don't allow him to see his kids!
No win situation for me whatever I do:-(! Got the feeling that now him spending time with his kids has became more of a chore than anything else!)
Don't get why he would prefer to reduce his visitation time and at time works than spending if with his kids!
Woke up with tears rolling down my cheeks, thinking he must really hate me to be able to have an affair that long.
He doesn't seem to have any remorse or even feeling guilty with what he has done! Why can one human being be so hurtful towards another?
Lately been thinking a lot ( everyday actually) about the situation I am in, and I don't think it's good. My IC keeps telling me that I'm grieving, and I should give it time. I just want the pain, the sadness and constant reminder of what I have lost to go away!
Why can't I be like my H who gets on with his single life (no responsibilities at all, no guilt, no shame for what he has done!)?
My husband has been saying he is done with our marriage for years..i don't have time right now to type out everything I want to.he left us twice for the same woman..horrible woman who he swears is a good person but anyway he is only getting our daughters every other weekend and hardly ever calls them in between and him and her kiss in from of the girls and everything and he told me yesterday him and her will probably be together for a long time and me and him are done for good...long story but I feel your pain and trust me it does get better..this time I kicked him out June 26th so it's only been a few weeks but I have had enough..i have decided to give up BC we are getting divorced anyway and even in God's eyes BC of the adultery I have every right to move on..not really what I wanted but he didn't give me much choice in the matter..IMO I think you are around him way too much right now even if it's only for the kids sake
Me-30 H/STBX-32 Daughters-10,7,18 months M-9 years T-11 years A few BD's since 2011 H left-March 16,2015 H came back-June 6,2015 Kicked husband out BC he was still seeing OW-June 26,2015
so it's only been a few weeks but I have had enough..i have decided to give up BC we are getting divorced anyway
Simply as an observation, the above doesn't sound like acceptance more like hopelessness, are you sure you are fully through the grief cycle yet?
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Wishing I have your strengtht to realise enough is enough and move on. I GAL quite regularly, but if I see him that much is that I saw how he behaved with his eldest daughter! I would only see her once a month.
I have always swore to myself that if we had children & ended up splitting up, there would be no way that he would behave the same way as he did with his first daughters. For all I care he is their father and it's also his responsibilities to look after them!
A year ago we went to MC, and said he never wanted any more kids! BTW he never said he didn't want any when we talked about it. Funny enough we have two! Don't understand his logic!
Then two weeks ago, he said that our kids are his only family! What was that? If the girls were his family, wouldn't it be normal for him to spend more time with them than working?
