The last few days have been hard for me, H gone quite aggressive verbally and I found it hard to deal with. This forum is full of good advice, but at the same time I can recognise myself in all the main topics, and keep thinking I'm going to try this but later on I find that it could be counterproductive. So now I'm really confused in what to do! My H told me that I have became cold towards him, and he's right as I wanted to protect myself from any hurt but at the end it didn't protect me. When we first got together I was very cuddly, touching but now I'm afraid that if I do that he'll see it as a way of manipulating him.
I personally feel that I need to go dark with him as I'm not consistent in what I want for mysellf. One day I want him, the next I want to file for divorce. I don't want to hurt myself anymore, nor him. So I'm hoping that going dark will help me to decide what I really want. I also know that it might mean the end of my M for good; if we are meant to be together it'll happen if not I'll try my best and as H said it is a little too late. .
My H's nephew is christening his boy and I got invited to the do. I decided to go as my H said he'd not be there, so I felt that the girls still should go as it's their family. Now I have found out that he is going, and I don't really want to go as I feel I'm not part of his family anymore. As anyone been in a similar situation? What did you do?
I say do what you want to do. Your decision for both going and not going has been based on your H. Either you feel a part of the family or not.
In my opinion, you should go because you said you were going - I don't think you want to get in the game of checking what your H is doing before you do anything. But that's just my opinion.
I guess you are right as I said I'd be going I must go. I only said I was going as H said he was working and couldn't take the girls, so I didn't want them to miss out. On the other hand, his dad and sisters all knew that he had been cheating on me for a long time, some from the beginning! Even though they helped me when I found out, I guess they did it out of guilt! Don't really want to go because of the lie and deceit they all show towards me!
He came back to cut the grass and started to tell me about a job interview he has on Monday. He was saying he was doing long hours and was getting tired. He usually has the girls on Sat and asked to have them on Sunday because of Christening, I told him that I was invited and he said it was ok with him. On a positive note I'm going out tonight the the cinema. I used to go there every week before I met my H, and really enjoying doing that again :-)!
I want to help you with your goal setting. I haven't read your whole thread, just this post - and I will help you refine your goals. I will repost your post, and then follow up with goal setting breakdown. After you refine your goals, I will help you with what to do next. In the meantime I will read your thread.
You said :
Hi, I have been able to set personal goal and can pretty much stay on task, but I'm really not good at the one for my relationship. One of his point to have an affair was that I was cold. I'd really like to work on this one, but I keep thinking that it'll be fake coming from me. I feel it won't feel natural to him as I'm still hurt from betrayal, the fact that I had to kick him out of the house ( basically I think I made the decision for him instead of him having to tell me that he wanted out of the M, so he'd have to feel guilty from walking out on his family, but I'm the one feeling guilty like hell for making that decision that I never wanted in the first place). I resent him for not spending more time with his kids (work is more important to him) and that I can't rely on him to look after the kids when I want to go out ( have to pay for a sitter & I can feel the financial strain from it).
My goal would be: to be less cold to H 1) H won't be on the defensive 2) I'll count to 7 before I react to his sly comments 3) H will want to stay a little but more to talk about general stuff when he drops girls.
Can I have any feedback? Is it too vague, is it asking too much?
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Summarizing the goal setting guidelines in Divorce Remedy (p 80) into bullet points, your goals should be:
* positively stated - what you want more of in your relationship, not what you don't whats missing *action oriented, versus a vague description -- something you can measure *small, bite-size, doable within the next 2-3 weeks (if your goal is bigger, break it down into smaller pieces, and just list the Next Step)
And as you did well, just start with about 3 goals.
So, working on your specific goals:
1). He won't be defensive How can you state that positively? If he wasn't defensive, what would he be doing or saying? If that is difficult, describe the scenario in which you feel he is defensive, and then state how you would like the scenario to go.
2) I will count to 7 before I react to his sly comments. This is more of a personal behavior. It is a good thing to do. What do you think will happen differently if you do this? What will you both be doing or saying?
3) H will want to stay a little, but more to talk about general stuff when he drops off the girls. Excellent goal. This is small, positively stated action oriented, and likely doable in a short amount of time. It is also a goal that can be built on--I.e, grow as the goal is achieved.
Nice work--keep it up!😀
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I think my first goal could be rewritten as follows:
1) H feels more relaxed around me a) I will breath deeply to control my emotions b) I will ensure that I'm smiling not matter what c)H will smile or laugh when I try to crack a joke ( got a very weird sense of humour:-)!
Looking at it, it doesn't seem to hard to achieve. I also started counselling and have asked to ask for someone who is more solutions oriented. We are going to work on low self esteem and brake the vicious circle of negative thoughts! I was told that both my mum and her mum suffered from depression, so I guess in a way I have inherited it. At least I'm doing something about it!
