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Sotto #2578926 06/16/15 06:34 PM
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Just started first session with C and it was nice to say that it was based on me and not my marriage. It was good to hear that we are going to try to find solution to deal with my negativity and break the vicious circle of depression! He sent a text today to say he'll be taking the girls away for a week and I think he did it wind me up, but I was so proud of myself as I just acted As If and replied asking him what he'd need! Wow, I can't believe I did it. I know few months ago I would have reacted angrily but not today. I guess I'm on my way to letting go! As think as I don't see him face to face I'm fine, I suppose that it might take a bit longer to feel detachment when I see him. I can feel I'm getting there.

Rouky #2579131 06/17/15 12:42 PM
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Having a low day today, could it be related to the fact that H is supposed to come to see the kids today? I read a post from a lady saying that if she had kicked her H from their home, she knew it would be over as her H wouldn't come back because of his pride. Now this is going round and round in my head, as I kicked him out when I found out about his PA, and I know he is a very proud man and won't come back begging! Have I missed my chance of reconciliation? On the other side, while he was at home it was pure torture as I kept wondering where he was going and with whom he was talking to! Now he is out I have some welcome breathing space! So why am I starting to regret my decision? Oh boy!, today fear has a good grip on me :-(!

Rouky #2579144 06/17/15 01:36 PM
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Don't think you should regret your decision. If he really wants back he will swallow his pride and do what needs to be done. Your wellbeing is what is most important right now. I think with active PA there needs to be tough love. Just keep up PMA when you see him.


Me: 42 H: 40
M: 12
H moved out - 8/2015
I filed - 8/2015
Rouky #2579226 06/17/15 04:34 PM
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Originally Posted By: pimouse
Having a low day today, could it be related to the fact that H is supposed to come to see the kids today? I read a post from a lady saying that if she had kicked her H from their home, she knew it would be over as her H wouldn't come back because of his pride. Now this is going round and round in my head, as I kicked him out when I found out about his PA, and I know he is a very proud man and won't come back begging! Have I missed my chance of reconciliation? On the other side, while he was at home it was pure torture as I kept wondering where he was going and with whom he was talking to! Now he is out I have some welcome breathing space! So why am I starting to regret my decision? Oh boy!, today fear has a good grip on me :-(!


Hi Pimouse,

I'm sorry you for the situation you are in and that you are having a low day today. You had some super positive posts on the 13th. I encourage you to re-read those posts because they were so insightful and spot on.

It would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Please call me to discuss our program at 303-444-7004.


Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Rouky #2579227 06/17/15 04:44 PM
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Originally Posted By: pimouse
Having a low day today, could it be related to the fact that H is supposed to come to see the kids today? I read a post from a lady saying that if she had kicked her H from their home, she knew it would be over as her H wouldn't come back because of his pride. Now this is going round and round in my head, as I kicked him out when I found out about his PA, and I know he is a very proud man and won't come back begging! Have I missed my chance of reconciliation? On the other side, while he was at home it was pure torture as I kept wondering where he was going and with whom he was talking to! Now he is out I have some welcome breathing space! So why am I starting to regret my decision? Oh boy!, today fear has a good grip on me :-(!


Ironically I read that excact post you are refering to and I know of whom wrote it... I would not put THAT much weight on it to be honest .. Her husband very well could have still come back, to be honest I think for reconciliation there needs to be a bit of a pride swallowing act, if you read that poster some more in different areas you will also hear her say the WAS must not feel entitled as they do during the A, I think this is in line with the pride thing.

Regardless ... you did what you did .. its in the past .. just as your H has done what he has done ... what matters now is WHAT you do from this point forward. Don't live in the past .. no good resides there ... think about how you can become a better you NOW.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



Cristy #2579320 06/17/15 08:41 PM
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Hi Cristy,

I'd be interesting to have a chat with you but I'm not sure it'll be vis able as I'm based in the UK.

Rouky #2579327 06/17/15 08:51 PM
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Thank you Caliguy for your post. I'm glad to see that you have been able to reconcile with your wife. How did you manage not to loose sanity over it all? At what point did you know that you had a chance to reconcile? I'm asking all these questions as I do want him back as I still have feelings for himand I don't want my kids to become another statistic of divorced parents. On the other hand I don't want to blind myself to what life as to offer if he doesn't want to come back. I know that what he did was wrong but I now understand that I had my share in it. I'm trying to change and I'm afraid that by doing so, my love for him will fade away. It is a strange feeling that I could potentialy fall out of love with my H

Rouky #2580058 06/19/15 08:33 PM
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Would 3 months be too short to detach? For the last 2 years since haven't been great within my marriage, and I'm not gonna denied that at times I wanted to throw the towel in. After the initial hurt of BD and me kicking him out, I was in deep water and I thought I'd never get out of if, but as the days go by the pain is fading. Don't really understand because if seems so soon, and yet looking back it was a kind of expecting the end of my marriage for the last 2 years. Now I even question if I still have feeling for my H.

Tonight he came to see the girls but just stayed 30 min, which is funny as at the beginning he'd stay an hour. I guess he is going back to his true self (he was the same with his eldest daughter! I didn't bother me whereas before I'd have gone mental. He is clearly showing that he isn't interested in his kids and has moved on. On the other hand, he was very talkative (which he never was). Could he be tasting the water to see if my changes are for really? I know they are because I'm feeling so much better and happier :-)! I have come to like myself again and no matter what happens I'm going to carry on with my changes.

I know for all of us we don't seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel but in time we'll see it, take each day as it comes and don't look back. I realise that there will be ups and down along the way, I know it is part of my path and in the end I'll become a better person because of this.

Rouky #2580063 06/19/15 08:43 PM
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Originally Posted By: pimouse
Thank you Caliguy for your post. I'm glad to see that you have been able to reconcile with your wife. How did you manage not to loose sanity over it all? At what point did you know that you had a chance to reconcile? I'm asking all these questions as I do want him back as I still have feelings for himand I don't want my kids to become another statistic of divorced parents. On the other hand I don't want to blind myself to what life as to offer if he doesn't want to come back. I know that what he did was wrong but I now understand that I had my share in it. I'm trying to change and I'm afraid that by doing so, my love for him will fade away. It is a strange feeling that I could potentialy fall out of love with my H


I have not reconciled yet ... working on getting there and taking my time in doing as such. I will say I am FAR better off right now than I was 2 years ago .. but that has more to do with the growth I have made than the changes in the relationship with my wife.

As far as the sanity thing ... I firlmy believe it takes an ounce of crazy to go through this thing ... not sure if any sane person would subject themselves to the slow torture, it does get better, things bother you less, you heal ... and dare I say become not so much afraid of the future.

The point I thought/think we have a chance at reconciling ... I am not so sure I am there, there are things that I now must have in a relationship and I am not sure W will be able to provide those things ... time will tell ... and thos talks are yet to be had .. but there is a list for me that I need answers to. I want my M, but I want the new one ... the one I will be happy in .. not the one where I was a miserable person for several years.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



CaliGuy #2580333 06/20/15 08:17 PM
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I thought I'd make you laugh tonight. I took Michelle advice to the letter and did something my H didn't expect me to do! Last night he came to see the girls and told them that he'd put them to bed tonight! Way past their bed time, he sent a txt saying that he wouldn't come as he couldn't move as he had had a hard day at work!. I felt he was taking the p**##. As the girls weren't yet asleep, I drove them in their PJs to say good night to him as for me a promise is a promise! You should have seen his face as he was getting ready to go out! Then he had the audacity to ask me what was up with me! I just reminded him that our girls are still young and for them a promise is very important to their eyes. Got a text from him saying that he is sorry.

In a way I'm glad that I did that, as since he has gone, I have been pretty cool with his access to the girls, but it's the second time he did this to them. Each time I have to deal with the aftermath as he won't take responsability for his actions. So far he has had no consequences for his actions, as I now realise that I made his life too easy! For the 1st time I have been able to stand for what I believe is right without being scared of him or his reactions. I might have blown my chance to reconcile, but I'm starting to put boundaries in place to protect the girls and myself!

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