I have just read the lighthouse story, and it's beautiful. I guess from an early age I never had to face any difficulties ( my parents were very protective), so I guess this is why I'm struggling with everything at the moment. It might sound silly as I was letting everyone else tell me what I should do, I never really had to stand on my two feet!. Now it's time to flee the nest ( better later than never:-)!) and I have to admit I'm afraid of the future. I think that I stayed with my H even if I was unhappy because it was comfort! I look at my parents relationship and I can se that I was reproducing it with my H, so in a way I can understand ( not agree) why he has done what he did. I needed a good kick up in the backside and I wish it wasn't done that way but what is done is done. I need to let go of my fears and take the pluge! I can't thank you enough for taking time to reply to me, to offer support and to listen to my winge! Can't believe I have just spelt my heart out, but it does feel good to do it without being judge. I guess I paid too much attention to what people thought about me, but not enough to what I REALLY want! THANK YOU EVERYONE :-)
Just reach the setting goal in DR and I'm wondering if I'm suppose to do a 180, shouldn't I set those goal for me and once I have reached them, set new ones but for my relationship? Silly question but what is the percentage of people who reconcile? Does it really work? I have been happier (genuinely) before my H. I have been going out and looking after myself but all I get is that he is avoiding eyes contact and speak the strict minimum with me. Am I doing it right?
There have been previous discussions about the goal setting content in MWD books. Consensus seems to be that the goals should be all about you. Because that is the only part you can control. Therefore, goals should really focus on the things you want to do for YOU!
Posters have suggested that goals as MWD describes them are better thought of as 'progress signs.' If you set relationship goals at this stage, I think you may be disappointed as things can progress slowly and you can feel like no progress is being made. As for reconciliation - it's hard to judge, but I think Starsky once had a guess at the stats.
He said that without DB (or similar) there may be a 10% chance. With DB, those odds maybe rise to 25/35% for reconciliation. However for moving on and living a good and happy life, DBing takes the odds up to at least 75% for those who stay the course, introspect and do the work.
The other thing that stayed with me was (I think) posted by Wonka. She said that hardly any sitches resolve in nine months. And many take significantly longer - years rather than months, particularly if MLC is a factor. But if you put in the work, manage to detach and build a good life for yourself, regardless of what your spouse is doing. Those timescales seem far less important.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Funny how I can change emotionally one day from another. Was feeling stressed yesterday as H was popping over to see kids, and today he isn't and I feel relaxed! He hardly looked at me but was telling me about his job! I don't think he has hit rock bottom. He has someone to stay with in the evening and he doesn't have to deal with kids and everyday life. Maybe this is going to change for him, as we had to put the house on the market (didn't really want to do it but I can't afford it on my own!). I am more concerned about the girls but I guess people move house everyday and they'll probably get used to it! If the house sells, he has already decided that we'll go our separate way (he recently said that our M was pretty much over), so maybe it'll be the point when he realised what he has done. Despite me loving him, I wonder if I can forgive 2 years of cheating, lies and I bet if I hadn't found out he'd still be carrying on his A!
I was curious to know how our WAS is living what we are living. I know that there is always two sides of a story and was wandering if the WAS goes back to LBS and what their mind was going through from the moment the PA is discovered to the moment of R. What was their thoughts? Was it really over in their mind? How / when did they realise that after all their M was worth saving?
I have been reading religiously DR & DB books and I can say that even if it is early days, I have noticed few changes in me. I have always seen things in a negative way and for the last 2 weeks, I have been feeling TRULY and honestly happy. How do I know it? I have always forced my smile when I had my pictures taken, but for the 1st time yesterday, when I looked at the pictures with my friends it wasn't a forced one! I know it might sound petty but for me it is a huge step. I now truly believe that if I want to save my marriage, I'm the ONE who needs to make the changes, not for my H but for ME. I still want my H to come home, but I can see that deep down he isn't ready to make the changes and prefers bury his head in the sand. Who knows,might it be guilt?. One thing I'm 100% positive about is that I needed a wake-up call, and the disclosure of his PA followed by the roller coaster that goes with it, to make me realise that I was wasting my life in being a victim and not proactive. The goals I'm setting at the moment are mainly centred on me as I need to be strong/ independent again before I can set goal for my M. It might not be the right path, but this is how I feel at the moment. My changes are for the long run and not to win my H back. I know that I still have a long way to go, and that few ups and downs will come my way, nevertheless I feel I'm going in the right direction. I still feel I'm a newcomer as it has only been 5 months since bomb dropped and 3 since separation, but I'm starting to see and feel the glare of a warm and reassuring light at the end of the tunnel. I just wanted to post something positive to let everyone else know that there is HOPE and a new beginning for us at the end of this terrible ordeal. Keep faith in what you are doing. Once we are stronger, I know that we will be able to climb the highest mountain and enjoy the breathtaking view
Your post made me happy. I am rereading DB as well in hopes of doing a bit of a restart. Got a bit off track with the knowledge of my H's A as well. Here is to finding and improving ourselves first!!
BW
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
I'm glad that my post makes you happy. What was a real deal breaker is that today I didn't care if my H would turn up or not to see our kids, as before I'd go mental and criticise him but today I felt different. Can't really puts words into it. I do believe that our path on earth is already planned, and that at times we have to go over hurdles ( for me and probably most of us, infidelity is the worst and highest hurdle to overcome); then arrive at a crossroad and decide which way to go. My H tried to press my buttons, and I just looked at him and ignored it. This when I realised that I was at the crossroad, and realised that not matter which way I turn to (ie with or without him) I'll be fine. Don't misunderstand me, what he did still hurt me but I was able to step back and not react. This is an AMAZING achievement for me!
Hi, just need an input from a 3rd party as I'm a bit confused. He came round after work to see the girls and was wondering if you could tell what your intake on situation is. I initiated conversation saying something like "hi, you are alright" and he would reply in short sentences. Then he went on to tell me that he'll b here tomorrow to put the girls to bed as I asked him a month ago of he could have them as I'm starting a new club and can't afford to pay for a sitter every time. He was never able to remember what I told regarding my commitments, but tonight he was. So my question is would you consider this as a small step from him. I also asked him if he could look after the girls on Fri and he said he couldn't so I said fine and told him that I'll get a someone to loll after the girls. He suggested that I dropped the girls to his sister, then he'll pick them up from there and will put them to bed while I'm out! Out if the blue he asked me of I would agree to swap days when he has the girls and if he could have them in the house while I go out for the day, saying that he couldn't afford to take them out for meal or the day. Could it be that he is starting to get our of his fog, and realising how expensive it could be for him to divorce. On the other hand, DB says not to believe what he says! He also brought us some spare garden chairs, saying that we might need them! Any thoughts anyone? I don't really want to have my hopes high and misinterpret things.
I think the best plan is probably to catch yourself with the interpreting. You could tie yourself all up into knots trying to work out whether this or that may be a baby step. Best to shift the focus from him and on to you...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
