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Rouky #2575816 06/06/15 10:42 PM
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Ok pimouse -

First breathe. And again.

Alright.

Now, you need to realize that this is not a process that takes a few days. Your marriage did not break in a couple days; it won't be fixed in a couple days. You need to start by stretching out your timeline to months instead of days.

Now that we have that established, let's talk about what you're going to DO. My advice:
- Stop worrying about the "state" of your marriage. ITS ALREADY OVER. There. Now you can free up all the energy you had been assigning to thinking about that.
- Stop pursuing your husband. Stop asking non-crucial questions. Stop giving kisses/affection. Let him come to you.
- Start focusing on YOU. What plans do YOU have tomorrow? What kinds of things are YOU doing? You need to start finding ways to be happy that don't involve your H.

I know it seems counter-intuitive, but you need to work on yourself before you are ready to work on your M. Be the best version of you that you can be. Sooner or later your H will be ready to see that and consider reconciling. You can't Zpull him back - he has to think there's a permanent change in you to be re-attracted to you.


At BD - Me: 33 Her: 33; M: 10 T: 15; D: 6 and 3

BD: 3/25/15
S: 4/20/15
D: 11/9/15
Matt777 #2575862 06/07/15 08:45 AM
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I think my problem is that I can't get over the fact that it's over. I should better that when my H has made a decision he rarely changes his mind. I'm waking up every day and think about all that happened all day. Surely this can't be healthy, I'm full of fear that he'll never come back, that by kicking him out I have deprived my girls from having a dad and that I'll finish my life on my own. I know it looks very pessimistic. I have already started to look after myself more and I know that my next big task is changing my mind from negative to positive! That's what I call a challenge. So hard to let go! I guess it is a journey that I can only do by myself! It's heart breaking to be in this situation but I guess I have my share of responsibilities! When you talk about months, shall I give myself a goal and reevaluate the situation and decide what I want to do? What if he has gone to her? He is leaving with single friends so why would he even consider to come back to me? He is having a hell of a good time! No responsibilities to deal with the daily maintenance of the house, no financial worries, no dealing with kids daily life!

Rouky #2575870 06/07/15 11:01 AM
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Pimouse -
Here's my advice. Remember, my W is gone and I certainly am not expecting her to change her mind. So take this for what it's worth.

As I mentioned, in your H's mind, the M was over at BD. That doesn't mean that his mind will never change, but right now, you are fired from the job as his wife.

Your next step after such an event is to try to heal yourself. You emotionally detach, you start getting your own life, you reflect on your shortcomings as a W/mother/partner/woman and you work on improving those aspects about you. Your goal is to become the best version of pimouse that there is. When you emerge from that process, you will be self-sufficient, confident, and likely happy!

And you know what....those traits are ATTRACTIVE to a man. Once you go through the process, there's a chance your H will be ready to start considering R with you - and at that time, you'll be READY. And even if he doesn't, you'll be in such a good place, that you'll also be ready to move on. This is the best part about DBing - the steps for healing yourself from this trauma are the same as the steps for trying to get your husband back!

The trouble is that this process is always. You don't just wake up one morning as the best version of yourself. It takes self-reflection and ACTION. Luckily, your H is giving you the time now to put in this work. Use it!

Remember - this journey is about YOU. It doesn't matter what your H is doing now. He doesn't believe he's married. So, as hard as it is, take your focus off of him and put it on you. If, somewhere down the line, he starts talking about E
R, THEN you can look back on this time and his actions and decide what you want to do. But there's no point in worrying about it now - you can't control him, and trying to will only push him away.

SO - read the rules, take them to heart. Read the detachment thread. Start practicing. Start doing the GAL activities. Start doing 180s.

You can do it!


At BD - Me: 33 Her: 33; M: 10 T: 15; D: 6 and 3

BD: 3/25/15
S: 4/20/15
D: 11/9/15
Matt777 #2576239 06/08/15 07:04 PM
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Feeling much better today. He just came to see his kids for 45 minutes but texted earlier that he'll be late and asked if it was still ok to see them.
Before he would to turn up when he wanted, and one day he upset the girls as I told them that he'd see them, but it was so close to their bedtime that I had to text him to say not to bother as I didn't want to disrupt their routine. Then I asked him from now on to let me know when he is running late ( bear in mind that we have been together for 10 years and I never got a text to say that he'd be late!).
Tonight I only spoke to him briefly, and he is the one telling me about his day and his work at the weekend. What I'm so proud of, is that for the 1st time I'm feeling fine about him being late ( that used to wind me up big time!), and that now he is gone I feel ok: not too sad! Is this what detachment is about?

Rouky #2576304 06/08/15 10:10 PM
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Originally Posted By: pimouse
Is this what detachment is about?


I think....kind of.

In reading your post, it still sounds like your happiness is driven by his actions. As I understand it, detachment is having control and power of your actions and feelings such that they don't depend on what someone else may or may not be doing it feeling.


At BD - Me: 33 Her: 33; M: 10 T: 15; D: 6 and 3

BD: 3/25/15
S: 4/20/15
D: 11/9/15
Matt777 #2576519 06/09/15 03:40 PM
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I was wondering how you could have faith if you were to let go. Is it not moving on the same as saying that there is no way back? Getting confused with all these terms, don't they more less are identical?

Rouky #2576522 06/09/15 03:47 PM
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Pimouse,

I haven't ready your sitch but your post caught my eye. Letting go has absolutely zero to do with having faith. My perspective of letting go means that I can't control anyone or anything but myself. However, I have to let things transpire as they may(and they will) and none of us knows what tomorrow holds.

I am not religious rather spiritual, however, I have faith that things will all fall into place. That doesn't mean life is perfect, that I won't have hardships, or that I have no role in any of it. Ultimately to me it means that everything will play out as it is supposed to and my focus should be on my actions and behaviors.

Does that make sense? If you let go, then you just focus on living the best life you can.



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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Hi Pim,

Detachment is a tough one to grasp, but I'll reiterate what Gbelle said. You absolutely need to have faith to detach, but it's faith that what will be will be - and what will be is what is best. Not faith in the exact outcome you want.

Have faith that if you take care of yourself, everything will be ok even if "ok" looks differently than how you may think it has to today.

Hugs,
PP


M 39 W 36
T5 M3
BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day
Served 9/15
D finalized 6/17
Rouky #2576524 06/09/15 03:54 PM
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Think about a lighthouse. It doesn't hang on the ships as they go out to sea. But the stay strong and shining, lighting the way back home.

Nobody said you have to move ON to another guy; to another chapter in your life. You don't need to close your heart, you don't have to burn any bridges.

But you do need to move FORWARD. You can't stay how you are - you have to really think about who you want to be and BECOME HER.


At BD - Me: 33 Her: 33; M: 10 T: 15; D: 6 and 3

BD: 3/25/15
S: 4/20/15
D: 11/9/15
Matt777 #2576531 06/09/15 04:09 PM
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Originally Posted By: Matt777

But you do need to move FORWARD. You can't stay how you are - you have to really think about who you want to be and BECOME HER.


This is gold Pim. It's the becoming that takes time and needs the constant reinforcement. Good reminder Matt!


M 39 W 36
T5 M3
BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day
Served 9/15
D finalized 6/17
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