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In my situation (and in advising others who are at the stage you are at), I try to understand an important distinction:

FEELINGS -- romantic, "IN-love-with-you" feelings -- will take several months and even a couple of years to return following an affair. That was depressing for me to hear that when I was just starting to attempt reconciliation with my wife, and I in fact denied it was true, but it took a good 2-3 years for my wife's feelings of love and respect for me to return, and vice-versa.

The DECISION however to do what is necessary to repair the marriage following an affair is just that -- a DECISION. It should take no more than 5 minutes to decide -- certainly not more than 24 hours. Whenever my wife would say "I don't know if my feelings for you will ever return," I would say "I understand that and I'm willing to be very patient in that regard -- it could take many, many months. But whether or not you're willing to do this short list of things that I say I need at this point, to me, isn't about feelings. It's a DECISION that you need to make, if you want to remain married to me."

Maybe that's just me, but the "fog" doesn't need to be fully lifted in order for a formerly wayward spouse to decide on full no-contact and transparency and working on their marriage with their betrayed spouse.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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^^^ That's pure gold bullion, Starsky!!! cool cool cool

Starsky, I hope you would copy and paste the entire post in your own personal archives for times when you can post it to other posters at the appropriate time. PERFECT choice of words and concept.

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Originally Posted By: Wonka
^^^ That's pure gold bullion, Starsky!!! cool cool cool

Starsky, I hope you would copy and paste the entire post in your own personal archives for times when you can post it to other posters at the appropriate time. PERFECT choice of words and concept.



Done! smile


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Originally Posted By: Starsky309
In my situation (and in advising others who are at the stage you are at), I try to understand an important distinction:

FEELINGS -- romantic, "IN-love-with-you" feelings -- will take several months and even a couple of years to return following an affair. That was depressing for me to hear that when I was just starting to attempt reconciliation with my wife, and I in fact denied it was true, but it took a good 2-3 years for my wife's feelings of love and respect for me to return, and vice-versa.

The DECISION however to do what is necessary to repair the marriage following an affair is just that -- a DECISION. It should take no more than 5 minutes to decide -- certainly not more than 24 hours. Whenever my wife would say "I don't know if my feelings for you will ever return," I would say "I understand that and I'm willing to be very patient in that regard -- it could take many, many months. But whether or not you're willing to do this short list of things that I say I need at this point, to me, isn't about feelings. It's a DECISION that you need to make, if you want to remain married to me."

Maybe that's just me, but the "fog" doesn't need to be fully lifted in order for a formerly wayward spouse to decide on full no-contact and transparency and working on their marriage with their betrayed spouse.


Starsky


I understand what you're saying, and I'm not expecting the feelings to return quickly for either of us. That's not what I'm basing my pace on. I really think it's a good idea to take my cues from the DB MC who is directly interacting with us and observes H. He is currently struggling with expressing his thoughts and needs, and I think it is very important that I don't override him or try to control him or push him. I'm not willing at this time to force the issue and risk that he a) walks away, or b) becomes resentful over being pushed too soon. At some point, our MC will explain to him the importance of doing this, and he will hopefully *choose* to do it. If he won't, I have a decision to make.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
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Ok.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

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If my approach fails miserably, you are free to say "I told you so". wink

I keep coming back to what you wrote about it taking 5 minutes or no more than 24 hours to decide if you want to give you marriage it all. I think it took longer than that for me, on my end, after I found out about the A.

I think H decided to work on the M when I returned home, but it's been a step-by-step process for him to understand what it entails. And it's a process for me, too.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
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Originally Posted By: Painter
If my approach fails miserably, you are free to say "I told you so". wink



I'd rather just see you save your marriage. smile


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Apr 2015
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A little update about some good things I'm noticing:

We're laughing and smiling more together. There hasn't been much of that except gallow's humor for a long time. We are much more together as a couple unit in counseling. It feels very different than it did the first several sessions. *Lightbulb moment* He's not spending the majority of the session complaining about me!

H is listening to the MC and still likes her and thinks she is smart and intuitive, even when she's giving him a hard time.

He's calling me a lot more.

I feel for the most part happy in my own sphere, regardless how he acts. The work with DB'ing is so positive for me that I'm enjoying myself and focusing on myself to where he can't really rock me.

One thing I'm curious about - on a couple of occasions, H has been upset that I didn't contact him - once that I didn't call him at work about something minor, and also that I didn't check with him before I signed up for a volunteer acticity for 2 hours in the morning on Memorial Day. This is out of character! The MC didn't pick up on it when I said I was so surprised by these reactions. Any insights?


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 701
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Painter, I am happy to hear that you are seeing more positives, especially laughing and smiling.


Me: 42 H: 40
M: 12
H moved out - 8/2015
I filed - 8/2015
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I haven't updated in quite some time, partly because nothing particular has happened, and partly because I had some privacy concerns. But things are going reasonably well. I wouldn't call us secure, but H has for some reason decided to stop fighting. That has been a huge change, because the frequent anger took such a toll on our relationship for many years before the A. There's still a rare outburst, but it's not so out of the blue and it's not nearly as bad. This has lasted for about 3 weeks now. I don't expect it to last forever, but I think it's interesting that he seems to have made a decision and is sticking to it. There is a genuine calm about him that doesn't feel forced. And I hope that when he experiences that our discussions or disagreements end quickly (like he wants them to) because he doesn't get angry but instead validates or just listens, it will encourage him to continue.

My lack of trust still sometimes pops up, so of course I wonder if this good mood is because of something else... but I try to not go with those fears.

The most important thing I have done to improve our relationship (and perhaps make him less frustrated), is my main 180 - backing off on managing him. I had a bad habit of having an opinion about most things and feeling like I needed to manage almost everything. H is indecisive and avoidant and I am not, but we got stuck in these roles and he became resentful and rebelled. I guess he wants to be avoidant and indecisive because of the freedom it gives him, while I like things to be organized and planned.
For me, I think it might also stem from a lack of display of affection on H's part - feeling like I had to assert myself in the relationship because he made me feel like a piece of furniture. A very big piece of furniture, but still furniture.

I think my backing off has done a lot to make him feel better about us. It's nice to see that perhaps something I did (or in this case, didn't), worked!


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
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