RD Movin on 7

[rd500]

Hi all Thanks for asking about me accross the different threads. I could have posted most days but to be honest nothing has changed Kids doing ok , lots of exams at the moment so not much going out. S20 started work with my company this week so it's nice to spend time with him He's exhausted because he's working in the warehouse picking and packing orders and sleeps the whole drive home !!!

D14 at a concert tonight and due home soon.

Im finding life a little easier now I let go of reconciliation with EXW. She still seems very upset and we have had a few incidents recently which could be viewed as positive but I view them as temp testing. ExW told D14 that she wants to come home but doesn't know how !!! ExW has also been texting abit more but then we have had a few disagreements in which exW has told me she won't be able to come to house once I find someone new I have just validated and said I jnderstand She normally gets anger when I respond like this Washing machine broke down and I ordered a new one and EXW had a bit of a moan that I should have got it fixed and she could have helped with washing untilit was fixed I declined and said it was my problem and I would resolve it.

EXW then told me she was telling a coworker how her H ( me , I think !! ) was looking for a new puppy. EXW then went on to say she still saw me as her business and hoped I still thought of her as my business. I just validated that we were linked through kids and 24 years is hard to just dismiss, EXW then hugged me a have me a kiss ( third this week ). We have ahead ages other hugs but at this stage I see them for what they are. Meaningless EXW has been having a really bad time at work and has called me a few times to chat about it. I have listened and giving EXW comfort. I find this easier now I know there is no way back


a friend of EXW called me the other day and said she had met with EXW and couldn't believe how terrible EXW looked. Friend said she just listened to EXW as EXW d her she was at Rock bottom and couldn't see anyway to sort out her life. Friend told me that EXW doesn't have OM and he is just someone she hangs out with and friend believes her Friend is a decent person who has had problems in her own M that she and H ( my friend ) have worked through. Her H is a really good guy but very old fashioned and stuck in his ways.

I feel along the same lines as Pink and don't think I want another R because I would trust anyone the way I would want to Life does change so we will see

Obviously the last paragraph does not apply to Pink , Toots or Vanillia ( wink Wink )

Thanks again for asking about me. Take care all. Rd

[Bob723]

Hello Rd!

Sorry, I’ve been extremely busy and haven’t been on the DB Forum much at all for a few days.

I read your last post--very interesting. Honestly, I'm not sure what to make of it. I wanted to let you know I've been thinking about you.

Any GAL activities planned for the weekend?

Take care!

Your buddy,

Bob

[Pink17]

Hey RD,

Sooooo...our RD getting hugs and kisses... that is positive my friend. I understand you are very skeptical about it, but maybe your W is seeing that her life was better off beside you and that there is not a fantastic life out there.

Things may look easier and different when you get yourself stock feeling depressed, tired, bored inside the R, but once outside, then she may be thinking it was just an illusion and that her family has more value then her freedom.

It seems that she still loves you a lot, that she cares about you and is starting missing you. You are doing great, keeping life together for all 4 amazing kids you have.

Nothing is falling apart and its maybe even better, so wife is seeing it all. She may feel like coming back, but in the same time she may be dealing with a lot of regrets and shame.

It may take some time for her to really commit again to the M, but I think that if you keep the road smooth, that she will eventually move forward to R.

About your kids, exams are a busy time. We just finished the school year here, and it was very stressful with lots of finals.
My kids did very well, I am lucky they are good kids. And you lucky too to have some great ones.

Have a nice weekend RD, Lots of hugs to you kiddos and you.

Pink

[Cadet]

I feel along the same lines as Pink and don't think I want another R because I would trust anyone the way I would want to Life does change so we will see

I am glad you left the last sentence in there cause you dont want to get stuck in life either.
You want to be able to keep moving forward.
You should not trust anyone again the way you did.
That does not mean you can not have a relationship.
The blinders are now off for all of us.
Yes this was a wake up call and you need to
learn from it, cause knowledge is POWER.

I work on trust issues every day in my business.
A customer says "Trust me"
and I think "Really?"

So there are all sorts of levels of trust, and
risks and rewards, you can CHOOSE to LOVE again, cause
I believe that Love is a Choice not a feeling!

My .02

[rd500]

Hi Pink. Thanks for posting. Re EXW wanting to come home I'm sure she does have her moments She has said this to me and the kids a few times but never actually done anything about. I'm also sure she's amazed at how we have coped without her and I would imagine that this would make any one sad that you are no longer needed.

I do miss EXW but I also think that I'm not mature enough to deal with a reconciliation The lies would always be there and hard to get over.

Thanks for posting cadet. Never say never but at the same time that's how it feels for me at the moment

Take care. Rd

[SunnyB]

RD, I think the fact that you can move on without her might turn out to be the very thing that allows you to reconcile. We've all read the success stories here--it's the point where you no longer need them that there's a possibility they'll return. In any case, I am glad you are feeling more detached these days, I always thought you were carrying a huge burden. Wishing you happier, freer times.

[Pink17]

RD,

That was some 2 x 4 on our heads coming straight from the wise Cadet. You know, life probably tough him more then tough us already, so we need to listen and the funny thing is that I actually agree with him:

LOVE IS A CHOICE, NOT A FEELING...

Never really tough about love this way, but since I came to this board and read DB and DR, I start thinking that it is really a choice. I have been loving my H as a choice much more then a feeling. If it was for my feelings, I would left him much earlier. But I made a choice to accept him the way he was, wake up every morning at his side, listen to his complaining about work, and so on.

Sometimes I told him that we would be very old and still thinking: "Oh well, that's the way he is and I am so use to this, that I even like it now."

So, he is right that there can be another R and it can be a better one indeed. We will need to work hard on trust issues, on self and mutual respect, the amazing communication issues, some tolerance, some individual space, gentleness, acceptance of rejection, and most letting go the guilt.

I think that for myself I have a hard time thinking about someone hugging me or kissing me. Just thinking about makes me feel like I am betraying someone. I guess only time will make all this to disappear and offer us a different view of love.

Love itself is indeed be best act of all acts, having this power of loving someone for what they are is an amazing gesture of humbleness. And loving someone to the extend of body and soul are the extreme gesture of giving.

We have way much ground to walk, we have been in this turmoil for not so long and we have been learning so much more now then we did during our 50 years of our lives. The roller coaster is still present in our lives and once on deep pit we can't see the light. But as you said to me, when you are back on the top, there is a bright light shinning at us and letting us see how wonderful life can be, how much hope we can have.

I believe you will be a happy man again, with you W or without her. Your life is filled with good, it seems that you go by your own business and just want to raise your kids, hope to see your grandkids, laugh, eat well, drink some beer, dance a little and why not? kiss and hug and make a good love to a woman that will be there beside you.

You will accomplish all this with the same grace that you have been showing in this board RD, life will smile at you, and Cadet will be there to say: "TOLD YA"

XOXO = what about that 2min hug to commemorate our smile today!
Pink

[Sotto]

Hey RD! Glad to see you posting on your own thread again and pleased to hear an update. Your sitch is like many of ours just now - bits of this & that - then more of the same - then more of the same. I think it is no bad thing to have given up on reconciliation. I'm at a similar point in many ways. For me, if it were possible to try and save our marriage, I think I would still want to give it a try - but I would really have to think about it now, and much would depend on H and how deep he was digging, how remorseful he felt and so on.

Another part of me feels quite happy to move on now. I'm kinda looking forward to getting the house sold and the finances split. I already chose a nice new car I'm going to buy myself, and I'll buy a little flat too. However, I haven't closed the door fully and I think that's a key thing for me. I wouldn't rule reconciliation out at this stage, but the conditions would have to be right you know?

I'm fully with you on the trust thing. And that's one of the things that I find hard to forgive and will need to work on. When I met H and we fell in love and got engaged, moved in together and married - I was all in. I thought I had found the best relationship possible with a great guy and I always trusted him. Never worried about what he might be doing when he was away.

Now, I feel he cr@pped all over that, and I don't believe I will ever trust anyone else in quite the same way. I don't see myself being alone forever, but I do see myself having £20k 'in the bank' as an 'out' should I need it. That's a legacy of what has happened for me. I'm also not sure that I would ever marry and pool all resources again. I may just want to live more independently and have an R on my terms. But I also recognise it is early days for all of us in these areas.

RD, I still feel plenty of hope for your sitch. You are clearly a lovely guy with lots to offer, and W would need to have her 'big ole blinkers' on to not see that. She hasn't left because she can't stand you, she has left because she has become lost and disconnected from herself and she needs to get reconnected again somehow before she can have any kind of healthy relationship. That's not going to happen overnight and in the meantime she is experimenting with her life in ways that aren't bringing her much happiness.

All I will say to you is never say never. We all have amazing capacity that we may not have thought we had, and who knows what can be overcome. The other thing I would say is - come over here for a bit old hug from Toots.....(((((RD))))) xx

[Bob723]

RD, I think the fact that you can move on without her might turn out to be the very thing that allows you to reconcile.

Hi RD,

I think Sunny "hit the nail right on the head" with the statement above.

And, our dear friend Toots just added an awesome post, too.

Please take things slowly. Never run from or toward anything too quickly!

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Bob

[rd500]

Hi Toots. Thank you. You are wise beyond your years. !!!!! Can I just say you have been such a good friend to myself and so many others on this board. I wish I had your strength.

I'm still affected by EXW but not as much. As time passes I'm hoping she will affect me less and less I think her own sitch makes it hard for me to detach None wants to see someone they love going through such a tough time

EXW was here yesterday and I fixed a problem with her car she appears so down that it's almost a relief when she leaves.

Hi Bob. Thanks for posting mate

Take care. Rd