Okay, some of you may have seen my post on the newcomer board. In a nutshell- it came about my H had a physical affair. Although we are now in piecing, and I am glad about that. While he was off stuck in his fog- I did a lot of working on me. And while we have been working hard at this. I feel he gets annoyed when I bring this up. If I have a question, although he will answer as he says I have every right to know- he says he just wants to forget this ever happened and that he has learnt his lesson. The thing is I'm starting to find this really tough some days. I get images of him touching her or kissing her and it makes me physically sick. I don't know how I move along from this. But it is hard, and the way he carries on sometimes like it never happened makes me feel that I want to walk. And while I know inside that I do want to be with him- this hurts. I had in my head when he kept saying how he wants to be the perfect husband to me- that he would be surprising me, or being sweet with me and trying his best. But it literally is just like its never happened..
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Hi Cherry, I saw your post on my thread and came over here to see what was going on. I'm so sorry that you are struggling right now. Sometimes it would be nice if it would be easy...but then I do know that if it's easy, it's not as worthwhile.
I am not a vet on this so will just give my two cents. Has he ever truly owned up for his betrayal and his part of what caused your marriage to falter? I know that you have done a great amount of work to find out who the best Cherry is. Has he done any work to find out his best side? Are you two going to counseling together?
I think he needs to understand that there needs to be trust rebuilt in your relationship and in order to do that communication of what went wrong needs to happen. Maybe set a time each day that you both check in and talk honestly? Set it for 15 or 20 minutes and then move on.
I think it is perfectly natural that you would be thinking along the lines of your images if you're not allowed to process what happened.
I wish I could give you a physical hug right now. I can tell you that I have faith that you will get through this time too. You have so much strength and love in you that you will figure out what's best for you and your child.
*hugs* E
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
It sounds like we are in very similar places. I have finally been able to get OW for the most part out of our bedroom. I did it by reclaiming it - frequently.
This may seem totally crazy, but I also plan on doing a sage burning in the whole house to cleanse it for negative energy.
And I really recommend MC. We go weekly to a DB counselor and it helps me organize my thoughts and concerns and present them there instead of ambushing H on a frequent basis. When we go to MC, he is prepared for uncomfortable conversations and knows that they have a limit. He expressed in our last session that he appreciates how I have backed off and that it helps him be more open.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Oh, I read a really interesting article about how our memories and feelings function.
The premise is that our thoughts and perceptions create our feelings, which in turn creates memories. Strong feelings create strong memories (Where were you on 9/11? Most people remember this in great detail.)
A thought that triggers a memory that has an emotional attachment will cause a physical/chemical reaction in the body. Think about being traumatized - you see or hear something that reminds you of the traumatic experience, a car of the same type or color as the one who hit you, a person who reminds you of an attacker, a gun - and boom - adrenalin is released, causing your heart to start racing, palms sweating, your legs shake, your breath gets fast, etc. Or you see someone who looks like your beloved grandfather, and feel a surge of warmth, love, comfort, joy. Another chemical reaction.
The point of this article - which was about overcoming an affair - was that we have 90-120 seconds from when we see or think about something emotional until the chemical reaction starts. It is supposedly possible to consciously interrupt the process and replace the thought with another thought, in order to change the chemical reaction and subsequent emotional experience/reinforcement.
In our case, it would be to look at H, have a thought about OW, but quickly replace the thought with a positive thought - a memory that places H in a positive context. This should, according to the author, change the outcome, and if you do it repeatedly, it can become automatic.
I find this kind of stuff fascinating!
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Eirinn, thanks for swinging buy.. In a sense no he hasn't really admitted his part- he just makes out that we hadn't made time for one another the way that we used to. Throughout this process, I've noticed although he likes to come across as a strong man- he is incredibly needy in the sense he needs a lot of attention- he likes to feel useful- desired listened to. He is willing to talk to me, but it's just he sees it as a mistake and wants to forget it ever happened- but as I tell him over and over, he completely broke my trust. He lost his virginity to me- so he can no longer say he's only slept with me, which is a big deal to me.
Painter- thanks for stopping by. Sorry to hear you are in a similar place. Intimacy hasn't been too much of an issue for us neither. That is really interesting about the psychology- I have read into a few things like this. He has said previously that if I wanted to go to MC he would.. I guess my issue is he just wants to act as though nothing has happened and I want to avoid these things happening again. Also I would say I am a jealous person- obviously I've had to learn to deal with this whilst he was in his fog- but now I find it difficult and feel like he should be doing all he can to redeem himself- but he isn't
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Since he is willing to go to MC, I would go. Just make sure you find a good MC who is pro-marriage. Our MC was trained by Michelle and will do everything she can to preserve our M, which not all counselors will do.
It sounds like he has work to do on himself.
Were you both each other's first? I honestly don't know if that would make a difference if you weren't... H and I married when we were 45 and 37, he had been married several times before and I had a teenage son from a previous relationship - so obviously not each other's first. It still felt extremely intrusive, violating and all the other feelings that come with broken trust. I think that when you enter into an exclusive relationship like M, it's like you start over and anything you did before, doesn't matter.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
I was his first, but he wasn't mine- I'd had a couple of partners before him.. It does feel intrusive as you say how you have your last first kid and yada yada, but I can say that and he can't. When I expressed this to him- he just dismisses that the A meant nothing so that still stands. I think he does need to do some growing up. He says he can't cope with the guilt he feels that he's been the man he always hated and how he has hurt me. But talk is cheap and he does need to find a way to address this productively.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
It still felt extremely intrusive, violating and all the other feelings that come with broken trust. I think that when you enter into an exclusive relationship like M, it's like you start over and anything you did before, doesn't matter.