I decided to take charge this morning - scheduled a strategy session for the business at an open work space incubator in town, and I am pretty sure I was in command... at least at the beginning. My being in command is something that used to turn her on, so I did my best. I kept my glasses off unless I needed to read something (my habit of wearing them on the end of my nose is one of her complaints!), I dressed well, and best of all, I was standing by the whiteboard on the wall while she was sitting - reminding her no doubt of my "power days" as a school principal. Definitely created a perceived power differential... and she was looking down, lost, sad about things. Now, this didn't last the whole time... eventually I sat down, and she wanted to go off in a different direction about my making money some other way. But I got things back on topic, drove the car, just generally did all I could to seem confident and in control.
On the way back home, she got all stressed about money again. She wanted to talk about getting the boys moved out, and how we are going to handle things as "roommates" instead of partners with mixed income moving forward. This put a knot in my stomach, anything she says that indicates her desire to separate further does. But I played it cool, said we'd get to those discussions this week. She made a suggestion about an income opportunity she thinks I should pursue, and instead of validating her comment somehow, I countered with a reason why it wasn't viable. So things got a little tense in the car. I need to generate income outside of our business that isn't generating income. I like to think that kind of value will reorient her perception of me. But who knows. Right now, my perception of her isn't so great either.
I wanted to just drop her off and head back out, but I needed to do work on the big computer, so we are in each other's space this afternoon. She has no opportunity to see the OW today, since it's our son's birthday and we have plans. But I know she will be showing her houses tomorrow, probably followed by dinner with her. She's got a big BBQ with the OW and her friends on Saturday. I don't know about Sunday, other than an open house she's hosting. I am making my GAL plans for the weekend, but still. It gets tougher in lots of different ways.
She repulses me as she is now, but I love her so much. It just feels like things are hopeless between us, and that's something I find just so hard to believe.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Yesterday afternoon, the W had all these tasks she wanted to accomplish before the end of the day. She started working on them with her usual tenacity, while I worked on some other things for the business, when the doorbell rang. She'd arranged for, she thought, some guy to come test the house water for maybe half an hour. Turns out he was a water filtration salesman who was there for over two and a half hours demonstrating and doing his dog and pony show! We both stood there for a few minutes, after which she said, "Hon, you don't have to be here." But she was stuck.
By the time she came to the office, she was in a frenzy. "I can't get to the post office in time... need to distribute these cards..." this, that, and the other thing. "What time are we doing James's birthday dinner? I need to get to the gym..." Complete stress and panic mode, which of course is nothing new.
So I stepped in to calm the waters... took all the mail, the checks for the bank, the cards that had to be distributed... just took a bunch of things off her plate and told her to get to the gym, we'd do dinner around 6:30 or 7. I had to meet a friend (who'd also recently been dumped) for drinks at 5 anyway, so it all worked out.
As my friend and I had this wonderfully empathetic conversation at the pub, my phone died. W thought, for some reason, that we'd start our party at 5:30. I didn't return till 6:15. She texted, called, freaked out... even went driving in the neighborhood where I was supposed to be distributing the cards. But I had no idea because my phone was dead.
When I got home, she wasn't there. I thought she was at the gym, so I started in the kitchen. When she came in, she was all over me... "I was worried, why didn't you answer when I called, I know you see my name and you don't want to pick up the phone, but I thought maybe you got arrested or someone hurt you..." it was just nuts.
But the rest of the evening was pleasant enough... had a nice dinner, she sat next to me on the loveseat outside, I was weak enough to allow her to slide her foot under my leg and, at one point, grab my face, kiss me and squeeze me, and tell me how cute I was. I got terrible news before the night was over about a friend's son having committed suicide, so she was sort of compassionate about that. I made the mistake of telling her that if her back hurt, she could come to bed, just for the night. She declined... which was the right move, but I shouldn't have offered.
I'm looking at a weekend she has filled with plans, so I'm working on filling the weekend with my own. I have to say, I wish I saw more success stories on this board. It's great to have the support of people who are going through the same stuff, but I'd love to see a few more breakthroughs.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Dif - I think mozza has a thread somewhere with links to success stories that's not too buried. You should look for that. They can be inspirational at times when it feels like hope is lost. No matter how bleak your S feels, people HAVE recovered from worse to save marriages!
Thanks Matt. I know... she's living a fantasy romance with this woman right now. Everything associated with her is roses, everything that's routine or stressful is associated with me. I have to believe that once the dopamine wears off, and once we get out from under this startup business stress, she will be able to see more clearly that the one who slogs through the tough stuff is the one who's really more attractive.
At least that's my hope.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Really have to step up my GAL this weekend. She has dinner plans with OW tonight, a BBQ party tomorrow night, and a visit to a nearby town for a "stroll and dinner" on Sunday. So tonight I'm meeting another recently dumped friend for a few beers, tomorrow I'm going to a concert with another new friend not far removed from a breakup, and I'll probably have gin and dinner with my best friends on Sunday. It's exhausting, kind of, when you tend to prefer to just stay home and have a quiet night with your spouse, which has been our MO for years.
I don't know if I'm projecting, but I have a sense the OW might be coming on too strong, maybe overwhelming my W. But I am trying not to think about her, or them. Just focus on me.
Sorry for all these posts. This is my best sounding board.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
I know, Wonka. Detachment. Right now, I am fighting the urge to text her something snarky. She said the other day she doesn't have a cold heart, that she's trying to be "compassionate" and "help" me through this. Today, as she informed me she wouldn't be home for dinner because she has plans for dinner, she followed up with, "We have leftovers in the fridge, right?"
Textbook definition of cold, right there.
(Not that I'll be eating leftovers. I have some GAL plans.)
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
HAHA, Wonka! As for me, I gave in! Couldn't help it. I texted her, "Nope, no leftovers here. Maybe you can bring me back something." And she actually wrote back, "I'm sorry, I'll be late... can you order a pizza?"
Omg... these people... what aliens take over their brains???
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
