As a former MLCer, I was angry a lot of the time. I was feeling pressured, antsy, angst, and not quite 100% comfortable in my own skin. We want that miserable chit gone. So we lash out at those closest to us: the spouse.
Why? Because the spouse is an easy target.
It is NOT you. Rinse, repeat.
You're on the right track with not raising to the bait or responding to her negativity.
Believe me, W definitely noticed your pedi. We DO pay attention to the LBS even if we act otherwise. Crazzeeee, right?! Yup.
Haha about the pedi. It's a dark color - again a 180. It's dark blue not red like usual.
Yes, her mouth is frozen in the hardness, it's hard to explain, but she is definately angry and irritated with everything, especially me. We used to joke about "angry bitchy face, but now it's no joke, it's like a permenant expression now.
She makes mean comments when talking to other folks about duct taping the kids mouths shut so she can get some peace and quiet. I think that is a terrible thing to say, but everyone else just laughs.
So, I made myself scarce, enjoyed the show and scram. I smiled and laughed and hugged friends I had not seen in a while and just enjoyed the experience (with the exception of the wart hog who I am married to). I should not even have brought up the subject of kids activities, its just another reason to argue.
Its not about you ... they are in crisis ... not you.
I recall during my W's angry phase (seems it was a year long I swear) Nothing ... and I mean nothing I could do she would be ticked off at me .. that bought about Scouts and soccer ... My W told me S's baseball was ridiculous, she refused to pay for it ... I refused to allow her MLC to punish our son so I paid for it all ... fees, gear, all of it. Was about S not me ... not her. Well ya know what ... as much as she hated it ... she was there for every game, I almost felt she should pay me admission to watch S as if she had her way he would not have been playing .... but a few sips on my STFU smoothie and I knew in my heart I was the rock, the lighthouse not only for her .. but more importantly for S.
To touch on that "She is completely over me" line. I recall that ... the eyes, like Great White Shark-JAWS eyes ... black cold and lifeless. uR helped me and made me realize ... she is going through so much that all the feelings she has for you .. they are stuffed away in a lock box, she can not allow herself to open this right now, she has all sorts of stuff she is trying to process ... so yeah .. right now YOU may feel that way ... but its them, their crisis that they are dealing with.
I had to talk to W about summer plans and some gaps in the coverage. We talked for a long time, maybe 30 minutes. Again, nothing of substance, just schedules, kids, shared a laugh, doctors, summer plans, kids getting taller, headsets, and a variety of other issues.
This is the first time I have talked to her in a long time, just talked about nothing really, but connected. I have missed thatmore than words can say. There were a lot of long pauses like I felt she wanted me to say something or that I felt she wanted to say something. Nothing was said, just several long pauses.
More than anything, it was good to just talk without anger or argue but just talk. I listened very carefully to her words too. I did a lot of validating about how hard it is to make schedules and how frustrating it is for me to make them.
She told me she lost her keys and how hard that was and we laughed about it and where they might be. We talked about old friends and what they are up to. Again, nothing in particular, but it just felt good to hear "her" again. She was still there buried inside of all of this other crap.
I got her up to speed with the Scouting issues, and plans. She did say she wanted to help in a small capacity.
More than anything, it was good to just talk without anger or argue but just talk. I listened very carefully to her words too. I did a lot of validating about how hard it is to make schedules and how frustrating it is for me to make them.
So maybe the day wasn't a total loss.
Hey HeavyD,
That sounds like a little step in the right direction! That's fantastic that you did a lot of validating.
Sorry, I’ve been extremely busy and haven’t been on the DB Forum much at all for a few days.
What’s new with you? Any GAL activities planned for the weekend?
Take care!
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
A lot of GAL the weekend . I have kids so birthday party. Sleep over. Bowling with new friend. Visit to food pantry and lots of bike riding and trampoline jumping.
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
You know what struck me as how much STILL my emotions are tied up with WW. If we talk and it's a good convo, I feel much better, if we talk and it's an argument or she's angry I am upset.
You know what struck me as how much STILL my emotions are tied up with WW. If we talk and it's a good convo, I feel much better, if we talk and it's an argument or she's angry I am upset.
Mental note to self - Need to detach MORE
I totally get this. Just seeing I got a text from her, regardless of what it's about and my heart jumps a bit. Of course, right now it's usually about lawyers, but still.
I know I'm not completely detached. I don't know how I will ever get there. But I'm certainly more than I WAS.
