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BE,

Gosh...you sure TALK A LOT. Do you like the sound of your own voice??!!!

STOP talking and use your ears more often.

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Originally Posted By: Wonka
BE,

Gosh...you sure TALK A LOT. Do you like the sound of your own voice??!!!

STOP talking and use your ears more often.



Not sure how to respond to that. Found it to be rude but I'm not going to be rude back. Thanks Wonka.

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Originally Posted By: BEClem


Points all taken Cal. But what about my thoughts from today?



Honestly .... I think you believe you are seeing progress but in fact you are not DBing ... which is a very slippery slope. Your WW is just content she has you off her back so to speak for a couple months .. seems you are just going to try to live up with the gag order for those couple months .... my question what has changed? NOTHING. You are only showing that you MAYBE can zip it for a month or two ... you are not GALing, you are still pursuing, you are not getting your W to notice your 180's but rather pointing them all out.

So from where I sit, you are still acting out of fear, insecure of where you are with W ... this is understandable, but it will not draw your W toward you, she can sense it even if you zip it for the 2 month agreement. This time is going to go by fast and I would suspect you need to do more than mow the yard and not have R talks to get your M back on track.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Originally Posted By: BEClem
Originally Posted By: Wonka
BE,

Gosh...you sure TALK A LOT. Do you like the sound of your own voice??!!!

STOP talking and use your ears more often.



Not sure how to respond to that. Found it to be rude but I'm not going to be rude back. Thanks Wonka.


BE:

Why do you find it rude? It's an observation that a virtual stranger has made about you. I know comments can be perceived to be rude/hurtful. Been on the receiving end of them. But what I've learned is that if it's hurting me, and it's coming from a virtual stranger(s) - digging into why it bothers me? Helps me identify within the process.

I hope you take the opportunity to dig a little to see why this comment bothered you.


M:32,H 32
T:10, M5
BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger
H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15
Served D Papers: 10/15
Divorced: 11/15
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Originally Posted By: BEClem
... Not sure how to respond to that. Found it to be rude but I'm not going to be rude back. Thanks Wonka.


Hi B, I like to examine how people respond/communicate in different circumstances. Here, you were attacked by Wonka.

But take a step back and see how YOU responded to the attack. You thanked her. That was weird b/c you did not understand her comment. You did not directly say she attacked you, instead you observed she attacked you ("Found it to be rude...") And then you self-righteously (perhaps passive aggressively) stated that "I'm not going to be rude back."

I think Wonka (who is a very wise vet) hit the nail square on the head with you. You were attacked. Instead of listening, or show any attempt to learn from what she was saying, you talked. And the words you spoke revealed some things about you. And what was revealed does not seem to be the words of someone who communicates well.

So when your W attacks you how do you respond? Do you use this same pattern that you are showing here in your response to Wonka?


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
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^^^^

BE, You said you see the 2 approaches that don't work. Going completely dark and fully pursuing.

You also said you are doing whats working this week, but that's still not the case. Which makes me wonder if during those 3 months you really were just leaving her completely alone.

Regardless, say you did go completely dark and then full pursuit, your going from opposite ends of the spectrum to what you need to be doing. Much less talking to her, give her space. LISTEN to what she's saying now, not before. You have to stop the damage that's being done now and change the relationship dynamics before you can win her back. Theres a time and place for everything.

As for seeing the comment as being rude, sometimes 2x4's come across that way. The whole purpose of them is to get a message across that people don't seem to understand, even after being told many times.

You can do this but you need to reconsider what you have been doing and really listen.


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Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
Originally Posted By: BEClem


Points all taken Cal. But what about my thoughts from today?



Honestly .... I think you believe you are seeing progress but in fact you are not DBing ... which is a very slippery slope. Your WW is just content she has you off her back so to speak for a couple months .. seems you are just going to try to live up with the gag order for those couple months .... my question what has changed? NOTHING. You are only showing that you MAYBE can zip it for a month or two ... you are not GALing, you are still pursuing, you are not getting your W to notice your 180's but rather pointing them all out.

So from where I sit, you are still acting out of fear, insecure of where you are with W ... this is understandable, but it will not draw your W toward you, she can sense it even if you zip it for the 2 month agreement. This time is going to go by fast and I would suspect you need to do more than mow the yard and not have R talks to get your M back on track.


I think what we are all saying is that you are equating "niceness" with "progress".

We are all concerned that by not going through this process, that in 2 months when you open your mouth about reconciling, she won't have changed her mind.

Now I don't know that this is the ONLY way to keep a WAS, and what you're doing MAY work. But it isn't the stuff that's inherent to this process and this site. So I'm willing to trust in the people that have seen this play out over and over again.

That's why we're all nervous for you.


At BD - Me: 33 Her: 33; M: 10 T: 15; D: 6 and 3

BD: 3/25/15
S: 4/20/15
D: 11/9/15
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BE

I do think instead of actually sitting down and letting the advice here sink in .. you give it a quick read, nod your head, maybe even see the logic but I do get the vibe you are going to do what you are going to do ... Good Luck with that approach as I think in your sitch you have to change ^^^^^ ... thats just my opinion.

There is really nothing in it for me to try and let you know I have been where you are, infact worse as I have had D papers drawn up and filed 3 times, W left, there was a A with a OM. I did what you are doing and it continued to do the opposite direction of where I wanted it to go. Call me the Ghost of Christmas Future trying to show you where you will end up if you do not change.

As far as attacks, 2x4's, whatever you will call it ... after a bit the vets will get frustrated after reading pages on pages of sound advice but the LBS continues to self destruct ... its hard to watch to be honest.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Guys. You are all right. I am wrong. I just messed up bad. W sent me a text saying she was having friends over for dinner so if / when I drive by to not freak out. I called her. I talked R. She became furious.

You are all right: I am not detached. I am terrified. I fear for my kids. I'm confused. I'm codependent. I keep pursuing and trying to understand thinking I can talk my way out of this.

I just want to quit.

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no no no, you don't quit, never quit.

Its understandable to be afraid, we all are/were. This isn't easy and it will take you time to figure it out BUT YOU CAN DO IT. STFU smoothie, keep thinking about that, all the time.

We all care what happens to you and want you to succeed. Take some time to just regain yourself tonight and don't talk to her at all.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
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