Maybell XXXV: Almost There

[Zues126]

I agree with focusing on the positive. I'm not a big fan of minimizing the negative. For me, I lost a woman- but a woman that was my partner to serve and share through our lifetime. I lost the ability to model marriage to my kids, and instead will have to accept that them and my grandkids will be more likely to divorce and have broken families and broken relationships. I could go on, but I don't believe in D and can't get on board treating it like somehow it's a good thing I'd recommend to a friend. Because if my STBX told me she wanted to get D to accomplish the positives, I would argue that we could do that without dismantling a family.

However- we didn't get a choice, so the fact that we choose to use this crisis as a catalyst for positive change in our lives is awesome. And there is no question that our lives may end up more fulfilling in many ways. I don't think this is because of the divorce. I think this is because of YOU. And it's great.

So I say, yeah, titanic loss, but you ran your ship and are being rewarded for your choices with many blessings. Oh and this-

We watched a couple of short shows, played Connect Four, did laundry, played chess, and read Fellowship of the Ring on the couch, all before bedtime.

This sounds like a night to remember. And you have those nights routinely. I know I feel that way with my kids too. I'm blown away with what we have. Maybe I'm more engaged. Maybe I just appreciate it more. Either way it's all good.

[Maybell]

STBX was never a proper partner. He began withdrawing the first year we were married, when he decided he'd prefer not to engage in things that made him uncomfortable or that he wasn't inclined to do, like discuss finances or plan for the future (even future vacations!) or clean the house. He didn't want to be a partner or know how to be one. Do you have any idea how lonely and demoralizing it is to try to build a life with someone like that? He just went off and did his own thing with no thought or generosity from me except when I demanded it, and the more I demanded it the more he resented me. The more I needed to demand it the less I wanted to have sex with him and he resented me for that too.

I believe in marriage as much as you do. I don't think that being a wife means being someone else's life Sherpa. Now I am free to be happy and to actually build a real, meaningful life. And if it's a little heavy sometimes then I'm free to choose whether to build the strength to carry the load or to choose to lay something down. All things considered, yes, basically I lost a guy and the trappings of married life. I've gained a lot, lot more.

[Maybell]

I should add that I would not feel this way had he been a more engaged partner more of the time. But he made intentional decisions to harm me and our family (regardless of how well he thought those decisions through) and I'm not going to minimize THAT. It is the role of a parent and spouse to protect the family unit, not to intentionally torch it.

[Zues126]

This has been on my mind a lot lately. There's this balance between 'reasonable expectations' and 'entitlement'. It's not just in marriage. It exists in any partnership.

My last job I was a supervisor. On the one had the leadership team wanted to do everything we could for our employees. We asked them for feedback, etc. Some of that was constructive, and we were able to do good things for some loyal employees. But many employees were just entitled and negative, and the more we'd do the more they'd want. They wouldn't be satisfied, and many were extremely entitled and unappreciative.

Same goes for parenting. Unchecked they will make mile long Christmas lists, buy every toy in the store, and go to Disneyland every day. As parents we have to listen to what they want, and it's nice to do some of that for them every once in a while. Meanwihle the kids too must learn that life isn't about getting everything they want.

When I think of marriage I think I was far too entitled. I google searched "marriage expectations" and pulled up page after page of people writing how expectations kill a marriage. Same with guys expecting sex. Or anyone expecting anything. Expectations lead to disappointment and resentment.

Yes, I know how lonely it can be. I didn't speak to my W for a total of 3 out of the last 5 years. We went over a year at a time without ML despite me explaining that was essentially the one thing I needed from her, so when it was denied over the years I felt divorced emotionally. It was very difficult to stay in that marriage.

But what I wonder is- what if I had just let go of expectations. Who I am to deserve a partner that is sexually fulfilling? Many men are stuck with selfish women that withhold affection and blame their partners. Why should God make an exception for me? Why do I deserve a partner that works together with me the way I think they ought to? Why do I deserve to not feel lonely? Is this my partners fault, or is this just the human condition and somehow I thought having a spouse would exclude me from the pain in the world?

I mean- right now you don't have a partner, so you don't expect anything from them, because they aren't there. Are you lonely? Maybe a little. But does it fill you with resentment? No, becaues you aren't expecting anything. Why does this change when we find a partner? Why do we have to set the bar beyond the reach of a flawed human?

Personally I think I should've just let go of all my expectation and served my W. If I could've had less resentment, accepted that I would be in an unfulfilling M, and just enjoyed having a partner to serve...I think that's what a healthy M looks like in many ways. AND it would've allowed her to respond in more loving ways so maybe it would've been better, AND I would've been more apt to appreciate what she DID do for me.

And no- I don't literally mean ALL. I wouldn't want to be in a M where my partner cheated, drank, gambled my money away, abused my children, and never spoke a word to me for the years we were together. What I'm saying is there is a balance, and I think that our society as a whole is way out of balance putting too much pressure on the M to do things it can't do, then blaming their partner for the dreary reality that is being human.

[Zues126]

I should add that I would not feel this way had he been a more engaged partner more of the time. But he made intentional decisions to harm me and our family (regardless of how well he thought those decisions through) and I'm not going to minimize THAT. It is the role of a parent and spouse to protect the family unit, not to intentionally torch it.

Posted before I saw this.

I want to be clear MB- I'm not accusing you of being entitled or unappreciative. I know you to be mature, loving, and committed. I don't really know what your H was like. When I said "this has been on my mind lately" it's simply because it really has, and I wanted to post about it.

[Maybell]

He wouldn't even sit in the same room with me the last 3-4 years we were together. He preferred to sit in his home office to read. If he spent time with me it was only to watch tv. But he went to "office happy hours" and dinners 3/5 nights a week when he wasn't traveling.

He wouldn't plan date nights, either because he objected to the cost of babysitting or because he was tired of eating out because he ate out for work every day.

When I had my own activities I wanted to include him in he declined. Just said no. I knew better than to press.

If I suggested other activities, like concerts or hikes, he'd say no because he didn't know where to park. Or because it was too much trouble to find childcare.

Once I wanted to take the kids to the beach and he said ok, but he didn't want them to get sandy.

If I asked him to help with the kids he would ONLY get them into bed. Not ask them to put their dirty clothes in the hamper or anything. Throw balled up poopy diapers on the floor with dirty baby clothes rather than put them in the diaper genie. Tell the kids to bathe themselves (at age four) rather than wash them.

The list goes on.

There is no part of that life that is worth going back to. I would not have walked away because I couldn't be the one to hurt anyone like that, and I always hoped I'd find the magic combination that would get him to act loving towards me again.

There is no part of this that the sheer vow itself made worth enduring. Marriage is not an end in itself. It is a defined relationship with promises from and responsibilities to both partners. I loved him and saw good in him. I miss those bits of good in him sometimes . But he didn't want to be that guy while married to me. Expectations on my side have nothing to do with it. All I wanted was to be happy together and his desires and expectations of what efforts he should have to make precluded that. Maybe I do svck; it's possible. But on the other hand, I have many close and reciprocal relationships with a wide variety of people, and I'm highly engaged with my kids and my communities. He's got very little of any of that. So I do t really think it's me.

I did PLENTY of just serving. It didn't help. I don't think that's the necessary path.

[Bob723]

Dearest Maybell,

Just stopping by to inform you I've been thinking about you. I’ve been very busy and haven’t been on the DB Forum much at all for a few days. I apologize.

I don't have much to add right now, other than a little encouragement. I liked this verse, which I came across today:

“But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength” (2 Timothy 4:17).

xoxo

Bob

[Ggrass]

Hey mayb, I'm in bobs camp not here as much these days.

But if you look back you will see how far we have come your self included.
It's reasonable to expect your h to act like a grown up. It really is.

But if they can not there is nothing you can do about it. I do look in a read a bit and I do wonder how you guys are all going. So keep it up, don't look back you don't want to go back there.

It's his choice if he wants to do any work and run to catch you.

[Mozza]

Maybell - I'll play my old tape again for you, but hopefully you see your Nice Girl tendencies playing out at work, where you really focus on what makes you feel rejected and you avoid rocking the boat, for fear of more rejection. You had a glowing review and a promise in writing for a raise, but you frame the whole thing as a dig by your boss followed by a risky demand.

I'm not saying you should change your behavior right now as I'm sure it feels very risky to you. But sometimes, just be aware of our patterns is a big step forward, even when we don't change them. I'll just say that even if you got fired over this (unlikely, but far-reaching, I agree), you would likely reduce your chances of being in the wrong work environment in the long run. To me, NMMNG is about finding happiness through honesty, and sometimes happiness is more than one step away.

Regarding your H, whom you know I despise at least as much as you do, I also thought of him in my last update about the genes of infidelity, based on a recent NYT article. It reminded me of a guy who said "Well, a couple of one night stands" after denying infidelity repeatedly.

[LisaB]

Hi Maybell, you know this already but your H is just lazy. I don't think all the behaviors you listed above are related to him not loving you. It's just his propensity to be selfish and lazy, or at least in this phase of his life.

It sounds like you tried so hard to do your best and that just allowed him to be lazier and more of a jackass.

In a way it is easy to say he is a horrible person and you are lucky to be getting rid of him, but he is your husband and father of your kids. You chose him because of some good qualities, which may have faded or disappeared or maybe just are outnumbered by his crappy qualities.

Nevertheless the only thing we can do now is go forward. To me what stands out is related to what Mozza said. No more Mr Nice Girl. Instead of focusing on his bad qualities as a husband and father and person, forget it. Let go of expectations that he is a decent person. But don't enable him to be a crappy guy either. This is difficult and means you have to stand up for yourself and be firm. Let him fall on his face and ruin his life. Yes he will probably screw up the kids somewhat. But that's on him and there is really not anything you can do! You are a great mom and person and that will balance it out. You can't sacrifice yourself for him anymore.

You've come far and been so strong! Keep up the good work!

Hugs, Lisa